Weekly World News » christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Frank Lake — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 14:14:00 +0000

Thank you readers and commenters. Have a jolly Christmas. Jingle all day!

It’s official… we have the best readers on the interweb!! WWN thanks you all for coming by so often and wish you a super happy Bat Boy Christmas!

May your day be shiny and bright!!

Sing along with Bat Boy:

BAT BOY PLUSHIE HOTTEST TOY THIS X-MAS!!!!

wwnneil — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 14:31:04 +0000

The Bat Boy backpack Plushie has been named one of the must-have toys for kids this Christmas by this year’s Consumer Report!

The competition this year is fierce, but Bat Boy has been named one of the hottest toys to have for Christmas 2011! The delightful plush toy comes to the U.S straight out of Osaka, Japan, where kids use it to carry everything from their Nintendo game systems to their cell phones. Perfect for boys and girls from ages 3 to 300, the plushie is as cuddly as it is cute! Get one before the holiday rush, and rest assured that your loved ones will have the most coveted gift of the year!

http://www.wwnstore.com/items/bat-boy-plushie-backpack

DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: HOLIDAY QUICK HITS

J-Train — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 17:57:45 +0000

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover..

Dude Dating with J-Train: Holiday Quick Hits

Q. I went to my holiday party for work last night and got so wasted I barely remember the solo dance party I had on one of the tables (Someone texted me a photo – my dress had a Jager stain on the front…Oh man, I hope it was Jager). What do I do? – Patti Mayonnaise, Bluffington, IA

Keep drinking. You need to go to work drunk for the next week – except each day be less drunk than the last. Yes, by Friday you will feel more anxious then after a trip to Tijuana but you need to soften the blow of your antics by dragging it out. All things become OK if you stick to them long enough without apology, like your racist Grandpa. I’ve seen WAY too many people dance on a table at a Christmas party, make out with a wall for 20 minutes, and then show up the next day coiffed like Hilary Clinton in her finest pant suit asking for the latest TPR reports – Ridiculous. You need to bathe in it for at least a week, embrace the celebrity you’ve become; even throw some off color comment to your boss like: “Hey your bulge looks great”. Now you’re little Christmas Party adventure isn’t so much of a shock – and less of a talking point.
Q. I’ve been dating a girl for about 6 months I feel like it’s too early to get her a gift. Right? – Cody Lambert, Milwaukee, WI

You’re absolutely right, except that she bought YOUR Christmas gift 4 months ago. Or you could just get a card and write: “These past six months have been a gift.” Then buy yourself a six-month supply of tissues because that’s the only soft thing your penis is going to touch for a while (get the tissues with the lanolin).

You need to get her a gift – 6 months is absolutely long enough. If you’re having trouble, think of one conversation you’ve had and get a gift that can be connected to that conversation. For example, she said she loves to see Christmas lights; drive her out to a botanical garden with a light show and buy her a nice dinner in the area. Very studly, no matter how bad the gift is because it shows you were paying attention. If you can’t remember any of your conversations and you don’t feel like breaking up with her right then and there, get her a big framed black and white photo of the city you live in; write on the card: “Now, you and I can “people-watch” from your couch”. All girls tell their guy that they love people watching and think no one else says this (I also like to people watch – if those people are two dudes in a steel cage trying to kill each other)

Or just get her some scarves. Girls love scarves.

Q. It’s tough to be sexual during the holidays with all of the food, bloating and family hanging around. How do I heat things up with my guy? – Topanga Lawrence, Philadelphia, PA

Tell your guy that you want to do something kinky in the holiday spirit, tell him you want to be his “HO HO HO”. Tell him you want to have “Sweater Sex”. Open all of the windows in the bedroom, put on long underwear and big fluffy sweaters. Then make love through the hole. Now you’ve held each other close without being naked – this means no man-boobs or sweating chicken grease after the holiday festivities. You both get off (hopefully) and you will finally know what it’s like to bang a beanbag chair.

I know this isn’t sexy but you made it sexy by saying the word “kinky”. Guys are dumb; all we need to know is that we are doing something out of the ordinary and that you’re into it. You could have said: ‘Lets do something kinky like drink hot cocoa and clean the kitchen,’ and he’ll be rock hard before you even reach for the Windex (though hot cocoa always gets me hard…and marshmallows make me climax).
Q. I’m Jewish and I’ve been dating a girl that celebrates Christmas. I’ve been invited to something called a “Christmas Dinner”. Will I be eaten? – Kyle Broflovski, South Park, CO

Yes. But first they will fake an interest in Judaism and then condescendingly tell YOU about the meaning of YOUR rituals since, you know, ‘JC was a Jew.’ Try your best not to show them your horns.

You’re welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

TOP 10 SALVATION ARMY CHRISTMAS SONGS

Frank Lake — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 14:16:16 +0000

WWN picks the top ten Salvation Army Band Christmas Carols from YouTube.

WWN huddled around Ph.D. Ape’s laptop the other day and selected the best Salvation Army Band Christmas carols off YouTube – an early Christmas gift from Bat Boy’s people.

The idea came from Swedish supermodel Anna Hofverberg, who was walking around the streets of New York City, shopping for gifts to bring to the Victoria Secret Christmas Smorgasbord, when she heard the Salvation Army Band on 42nd Street playing “Be My Little Savior”. She suggested we share the joy of Salvation Army Christmas music with our readers.

All the Victoria Secret supermodels then went online and visited the WWN STORE TO BUY ALL THEIR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. What’s better than getting a Bat Boy Bobblehead just like the one the supermodels love?

And you may want to put something in the SALVATION ARMY ONLINE KETTLE as well.

SO… here ya go. The Top Ten Salvation Army Christmas Songs – Bat Boy approved. Merry and bright!!

1) THE CHRISTMAS SONG:

2) AWAY IN THE MANGER:

3) RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

4) O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM:

5) JINGLE BELLS

6) HOLY, HOLY, HOLY

7) SEE AMID THE WINTER SNOW

8) O HOLY NIGHT

9) KERALA CHRISTMAS CAROL (from India):

10) LITTLE DRUMER BOY:

PIG HEAD PREDICTS FUTURE

Pierce Blodyn — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:31:46 +0000

METLATONOC, Mexico – Woman shocked when severed pig’s head predicts future, thousands flock to town.

Doña Maritza of Metaltonoc, a small town located in the southeastern section of Mexico, was beginning to prepare for a posada party when an amazing event took place. A posada party is a traditional Mexican fiesta (Spanish for party) which takes place in the 9 days leading up to Christmas. The festivities commemorate Mary and Joseph’s search for an inn during their time in Bethlehem shortly before the birth of Christ.

Doña Martiza was in her kitchen hard at work on a dish called pozole, a hominy and pork stew traditionally made with the head of a pig. This thick, rich, pork, chile and corn soup is a Christmas Eve tradition among many Mexicans. The stew takes several days to prepare due to its intricate and rigorous process. The dish is often garnished with cabbage, lime, radish, onion and sometimes Doritos. She was just about to place the pig’s head in the stock pot when the swine uttered its first of what would later be many, many words.

“I was so shocked when it spoke that I dropped it right into the pot. It let out the most bloodcurdling squeal so my husband, Jorge, rushed over and quickly pulled it out, ¡Hay Dios mio, que locura!” explained Doña Maritza. To make matters all the more bizarre the severed head not only spoke but it was also claiming to predict the future!

“We had been drinking tequila so at first we thought that the spirits had just gone to our heads. Until there was a knock at the door,” said Consuela Jimenez, Doña Maritza’s younger sister who was there that day assisting with the labor intensive stew. Upon opening the door, the siblings were surprised to see their Uncle Salvador, just as the pig’s head had predicted.

“It was wonderful to see good old Sal again,” said Jorge, “we thought that he was a goner after I sent him off, three years ago, to buy some furry dice to hang from the rearview mirror of my 1973 El Camino. This is truly a Christmas miracle. Not only did he come back with purple dice but correct change too!”

As word has traveled through the region, numerous people have begun to make pilgrimages and wait in long lines in order to see the severed swine’s head for advice, council and a chance to look into their futures.

PHOTOS by BOY MACK

OBAMA SPENDS BIRTHDAY IN STUDIO WITH MJ

Frank Lake — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 17:00:57 +0000

CHICAGO – President Obama spent his birthday alone, with Michael Jackson. They recorded a Christmas album.

President Barack Obama turned 49 on Wednesday. First lady Michelle Obama has taken their youngest daughter, Sasha, to Spain. Their other daughter, Malia, is away at summer camp.

Rumors were that Obama wanted to spend the night in his house in Hyde Park alone, but WWN learned the truth. President Obama is at Chess Recording Studios on the South Side of Chicago. Michael Jackson, who was summoned from the afterlife by President Obama was seen at the studio. Obama, who can “part the waters and heal the earth”, can also make Michael Jackson return from the afterlife.

Obama has always wanted to be a singer. Michael Jackson, James Brown and Joni Mitchell are his favorite artists. Joni couldn’t make it to the studio because she was too busy listening to NPR. James Brown didn’t answer Obama’s “call to heaven.” But Brown did send a message, “I feel good.”

Obama wanted to record a Christmas record, but felt that was “divisive,” so instead he decided to do a Holiday record with songs of Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Diwali and Festivus. But Obama was taking far too long to select the songs for the record. He couldn’t make up his mind. An impatient MJ suggested that they just sing some of his hits and a couple of rearranged rap tunes. Obama agreed with The Ghost of The Gloved One.

Here’s a list of the tracks being recorded today for Obama”s record currently entitled, BLACK AND WHITE.

1) MAN IN THE MIRROR (dedicated to Barry Obama)

2) BEAT IT (dedicated to the Tea Party)

4) DANGEROUS (dedicated to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)

5) WE ARE THE WORLD (dedicated to all Americans)

6) PRETTY YOUNG THING (dedicated to Beyonce)

7) BEN (dedicated to Ben Bernanke)

8) I WANT YOU BACK (dedicated to independents)

9) IT”S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP (dedicated to Netroots Nation)

10) GET ON THE FLOOR (dedicated to Glenn Beck)

11) RUBBERBAND MAN (dedicated to Joe Biden)

12) FIGHT THE POWER (dedicated to Barry Obama) and..

Obama wrote an original rap song special for his birthday and those nuts (the Birthers)… I WAS BORN IN HAWAII, FOOLS!

Obama will be in the studio all day, if you have any song suggestions/requests, WWN will forward them to him immediately.

Here’s a sample of Obama singing some Jackie Wilson:

Here he’s singing some Dionne Warwick:

And here he is singing Happy Birthday (to Ted Kennedy):

UPDATE: SANTA UNFROZEN

Reginald Cunningham III — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 16:52:04 +0000

UPDATE: Through a miraculous combination of teamwork and ingenuity, Santa Claus was saved and Christmas proceeded as scheduled.

Numerous attempts to free Santa from inside a giant block of ice failed. Blowtorches refused to start as a surprise blizzard came roaring through. Hammers and chisels made hardly a dent in the solid ice.

Finally, a daring combination of fresh chocolate chip cookies and gamma radiation saved the day. Head of the North Pole research department Sprinkles Von Bohrstein came up with the holiday saving idea to combine Santa’s favorite treat with a gamma powered “Cheer Emitter.” Mrs. Claus made up a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and placed them in front of the frozen Santa. Then Von Bohrstein aimed the experimental device at him, hoping the ice could be broken from the inside out.

Immediately results could be seen as Santa become hotter from the radiation and began to grow in size. With the thunderous crash of ice the mutated Santa Claus shattered his icy prison with a bellowing “Ho HO HOOOO!”

After a few cookies and a hug from his wife, Mr. Claus returned to his old self and immediately began preparations for his annual flight.

Receipt of presents by children all over the world proves that Santa Claus was able to make his run despite the setbacks. However due to his late start several wealthy families in Beverly Hills received glittery IOU’s attached to their fireplace.

December 24, 2008

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has yet again been frozen in a block of ice.

Delaying critical Christmas preparation, the elf union is working overtime to thaw out the yule time celebrity.

After going on his traditional pre-holiday bender, Santa drunkenly fell asleep outside the reindeer stables and was quickly frozen in a solid block of ice.

Experts believe he may have been hitting the bottle harder than usual due to his difficulty in receiving a federal bailout. Unsubstantiated reports say that Mrs. Claus may have been one of the unlucky victims taken in by the Madoff financial scheme.

A representative of the United Elvin Workers union confirmed that this is not the first time Santa has been frozen solid. “He does this every year. We’d hoped he would stay inside this year and just need a coffee the next morning. But it looks like we’ll need to dust off the glitter-powered blowtorches again.”

Will Santa be freed in time? Updates will be forthcoming as the diminutive labor union works to save Christmas.

AMY WINEHOUSE REVEALS ALL

Allie Pruitt — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:18:52 +0000

SAINT LUCIA – Amy Winehouse decided to bare all this weekend, including removing her signature beehive – and witnesses were turned to stone!

Winehouse is enjoying a relaxing Caribbean Christmas with friends and family after a crushing year. She flirted with rehab multiple times and recently began divorce proceedings, while her music career took the backseat.

In an effort to let it all hang out, Winehouse revealed not only much of her body but her natural hair as well, to the shock and immediate transformation of male onlookers. It appears her beehive was for more than just fashion: Winehouse has the Medusa effect!

The revealing of her true serpentine hair will turn any men who look upon her into stone, as many unfortunate tourists found out.The beach quickly cleared and Winehouse frolicked in the waves to her heart’s content.

Will she continue to keep her curse in check when she returns to England? Or will she begin using her powers for evil? Paparazzi, beware!

ALIENS USING KOTA TOYS TO DESTROY EARTH

Samuel T. Westbrook — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:45:30 +0000

TOKYO, JAPAN – Just days before Christmas, evidence has been found that exposes an alien plot to destroy the Earth and enslave mankind – using toys!

The Kota, a 40-inch robotic baby triceratops, is one of the most in-demand toys this holiday season. The first robot of its kind, a dinosaur children can ride, the Kota has been flying off shelves since its recent release and demand has yet to slow.

Representatives from Playskool, the company that supposedly manufactures and distributes the Kota, have declined to comment on the emerging details regarding a possible alien invasion.

Unnamed sources have leaked details to Weekly World News that some time after Christmas, once all of the Kotas have been opened from their boxes throughout the world, a signal will alert them to “wake up.”

“It’s a terrifying prospect,” Alan Winkleblack, father of 3-year-old Wayne Winkleblack. “Little Wayne has been begging for one of those things for months. I really don’t want him to turn into an alien and enslave my family after Christmas.”

Winkleblack is referring to the potential for riders of the Kota to be used as symbiotic partners of the alien beast. Perhaps the life-force of the rider gives strength to the Kota. It is also speculated that an alien may hatch from within the Kota itself and then use the toy as its steed as it marches through our cities on its reign of terror.

Stay tuned to Weekly World News for up to the minute details on this nefarious alien scheme.