STOCK-PICKING CHIMP IS BACK!

“To Err is Simian”  Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp Alas, Uncle Lancelot saw it coming: the stock-picking chimp violated his cardinal rule – “don’t fall in love with a stock” in this case, cryptocurrencies. So I’m back writing this column because I need the $ and since you’re reading, you probably do too! So let’s step …

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BLIND MOTHER GIVEN NEWBORN CHIMP

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NIGERIA – Blind mom Heather Hilton was leaving the hospital with her newborn son when hooligans kidnapped the boy, and sent her home with a baby chimpanzee!

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CHIMP ATTACK FAMILY SEEKS COUNSEL

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STAMFORD, CT – Travis the chimp was shot dead after brutally attacking a human, and now his family is seeking comfort and advice from the world’s only PhD Ape.

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