CLEVELAND, OH – The victim of this year’s infamous chimp attack has finally revealed her face to the public.

Charla Nash, 56, was the victim of a vicious chimpanzee attack earlier this year. While visiting her friend Sandra Herold, Herold’s pet chimp attacked Nash, presumably because he did not recognize her due to a recent hair cut.

Nash lost her hands, nose, eyes, lips, some facial bone structure, and also received some brain damage.

Nash has spent the rest of the year at the Cleveland Clinic, where she has received further surgery to try and repair the damage left to her face.

Knowing that photographers were after her for the first ever post-attack photo, Nash decided to reveal herself on her own terms. She invited Oprah Winfrey to the clinic for her first on-air interview. She removed the hat and veil she usually hides behind, for fear of startling others.

Warning: the video may be disturbing to some.

I’m madder than a chimp without his Xanax about that monkey cartoon!

Seems the New York Post did a cartoon everybody’s angry about. I don’t get it. Something about that crazy monkey that got shot, but also about the bailout. Guess I’m getting old – whatever happened to Mary Worth, for Pete’s sake?

Anyhow, that Reverend Al Sharptongue says the cartoon’s a prejudiced joke about Obama and black people. Now I really don’t get it. That’s like saying the Post’s “White Sale” ads are recruiting for the Klan.

That Reverend Al sure is a busy guy, though. When’s he not getting sued for calling the D.A. a rapist, or getting charged with tax evasion, or leading rioters through Crown Heights, he’s saying O.J. was innocent or threatening to beat up Jews.

I can’t figure out how he finds time to play golf or embezzle or whatever else preachers are supposed to do all day.

Now Reverend Al wants to march to the Post to protest this cartoon that nobody would’ve seen if he’d kept his bullhorn switched off. It’s the New York Post – who reads it anyhow?

Last time Reverend Al protested a place in New York, it got burned down.

I’m not saying burning down the Post would be a bad thing, except all the booze in the editors’ desk drawers would make the fire pretty hard to put out. But seems to me that everywhere this Reverend Al goes, something weird happens.

America: unless we all learn to laugh at unfunny, confusing cartoons, we’ll turn into one of those crazy Crapistan countries where they, well, riot and kill people over them. Maybe Al Sharptongue should move there.

You know, whoever said “Why can’t we all just get along?” must have been a very wise man…

STAMFORD, CT – Travis the chimp was shot dead after brutally attacking a human, and now his family is seeking comfort and advice from the world’s only PhD Ape.

Travis, the chimpanzee, resided in a suburban home in Connecticut with his owner. Loved by local residents and usually well-behaved, the city was shocked to hear that Travis went berserk and viciously mauled a human. The owner attempted to save her friend by stabbing the chimp with a kitchen knife, but it took local cops shooting Travis to finally stop him.

Travis’ family are grief stricken, and have turned to PhD Ape, therapist to the stars and primate family counselor. He was so incensed by the event that he hosted an emergency TV special this morning on human-primate violence.

“Travis was a beloved son, brother and friend,” said PhD Ape to the audience. “To think that such a bright and happy chimp had his life end so horribly is devastating. How did this happen? Was it completely his fault? Today, we are here to honor Travis’ life by exploring the reality of when human and primate worlds collide.”

The program featured experts from across the board, including  zoo keepers, movie stunt chimps, Travis’  family and primate rights activists. Rocky, head of the NERFP, or New England chapter of Rights for Primates, stated, “Can we totally absolve Travis of his attack? Certainly not. We feel for the human who was attacked; she did not bring this on herself. But, what conditions was Travis kept in? What happened to make him react so violently to a passive woman? That is not inherent in our nature!”

PhD Ape nodded in agreement, and moved to conclude the show. “These are definitely questions that need answering. I am concerned on how the press is presenting our poor Travis. But in the days ahead, my fellow primates, we must not not continue the cycle of violence! I advise anyone out there who wishes to make a statement to do so in a peaceful, mindful manner. We can make our message heard.”

Bonobos have already begun arranging a peaceful protest outside of Stamford’s city hall. It is expected that at least 1,000 chimpanzees, monkeys and apes will descend upon the town to grieve together. They have been warned not to throw banana peels at passing cops.