CHICAGO  -  Federal authorities have alerted residents that a large contingent of werewolves is headed for the Windy City.

The Werewolf Defense Panel (a division of the Defense Department) has issued a warning to residents of Illinois, especially Chicago, of a coming werewolf “insurrection” or “infestation”.

Professor Gregory Hayes of Oxford University – distinguished Professor of Lycanthropy – has been working with Defense Department officials for the last two months. He was brought to the U.S. because of  increased reports of werewolves in the United States.

“In the last two years, there have been an unusually high number of werewolf sightings in eastern Europe and sub-Saharan Africa.  But the largest number of reports in the past five months have been coming from the United States, particularly the Midwest.”

Members of the Werewolf Defense Panel would only speak to WWN off the record.  But members told WWN that there have been over six hundred reports of werewolf attacks in the last five months alone.  They would not say how many of those attacks were lethal.  They clearly do not want to alarm Americans.

Professor Hayes told WWN that a study on historical werewolf attacks occurring in the 18th–19th centuries indicated that victims were almost entirely children under the age of 12, with 85% of the attacks occurring when no adults were present. In the few cases in which an adult was killed, it was almost always a woman.

“What is alarming about the attacks occurring in the Midwest of the United States is that the werewolves are no longer attacking only women and children, the werewolves seem to be attacking young men and older women as well.   The werewolves particularly like high school football players.”

Werewolves used to just attack and bite their victims, but the latest reports are that they are “mauling” and “tearing apart” the victims – young men mostly.

This young Joliet man, 25, was bitten last week, but luckily he survived:

Mayor Rahm Emanuel is advising all Chicago residents to report any werewolf sightings immediately to the authorities and told citizens “not to try and apprehend the werewolf on your own.”   He will be holding another press conference tomorrow.

The Obama Administration has said it will send troops to Chicago if the werewolf insurrection gets out of control this weekend.

WWN will be in Chicago to monitor the situation.

LOS ANGELES – Larry Flynt and Hustler somehow got their hands on an Oprah sex tape and are going to release it!

Larry Flynt announced today that an “anonymous person” approached him with a secret sex tape of Oprah Winfrey.  The sex tape shows the talk show titan having sexual relations with an “unidentified person.”

Flynt would not reveal who Oprah was having sex with in the tape.

Outraged Oprah fans took to twitter immediately.  “This is disgusting.  Oprah is our Queen. You do NOT offend the queen,” said O-Lover on Twitter.

“Larry Flynt should arrested for doing this!”, said Oprahgoddess55 on Twitter.

Flynt said that he paid over $1 million dollars for the tape after it was verified with Hollywood Sex Tape Expert, Johnny Tribbles.

Tribbles has investigated hundreds of celebrity sextapes and is now the official authenticator of sex tapes before they can be released to the public.

“If Tribbles doesn’t authenticate, it isn’t real,” said Pamela Anderson.

Flynt is being tight-lipped about the Oprah sex tape, saying only that it was filmed in the last five years and the “scene” took place in Oprah’s house in Montecito, California.

He also said that Oprah has nothing to be embarrassed about:  “she looks fantastic in the tape and she is a world-class lover.”

There are rumors flying around the internet about who is on the sex tape with Oprah:  Stedman, Gayle King, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Barack Obama or some say it’s Denzel Washington.  Some people are convinced this is the guy:

Oprah has made no comment on the sex tape.

CHICAGO -  UFOs were spotted again over Chicago on April 2, 2011.

Nicole Dragozetich was driving down 35th Street and Western in Chicago at approximately 8 p.m. Saturday when she noticed at least a dozen people stopped in their tracks, staring at the sky. She used her cell phone to shoot video of what everyone was watching.

Here’s the video she shot:

“You could see the UFOS – just moving down the street. And they took form. At one point, it looked like an arrow, at another they looked like beanbag chairs.” Dragozetich  said..

Dragozetich told WWN that she saw the lights hover over her car and she could see oragne and red aliens in the front of the spaceship.  “I saw them, I definitely saw them,” she said.

Dragozetich said the lights were also orange, at the pattern they made was at times symmetrical, at times not.

John Malley of the United Nations Panel of Extraterrestrials was called to Chicago on Sunday.  He inspected the video and spoke to more than a hundred eyewitnesses.

“These were definitely spaceships from another planet.  My guess is they were coming from Planet Ximu.”

Malley went on to say that spaceships from Planet Ximu  and Planet Zeeba have been spotted across America (and the world) since October 2010.  “They are all part of the ongoing alien invasion, which began last October and will continue until December of 2015.”

Similar Chicago sightings:

CHICAGO – Oprah announced her latest book club selection:   GOING MUTANT – Bat Boy Exposed!

Nearly a decade after the public feud between Oprah Winfrey and Bat Boy Ms. Winfrey has selected “Going Mutant – Bat Boy Exposed” as her next book-club pick, according to booksellers who have seen early copies of the books. The selection is expected to be announced on Friday’s “Oprah” broadcast.

In 2001, Bat Boy was kicked off her set after he implied – with high-pitched screams – that s. Winfrey’s book club picks were middlebrow and that being chosen as a book club pick — meant a book was “bat sh%t”.

Bat Boy never apologized, but Oprah is still fascinated with the half-boy, half-bat.

The speculation about the book club pick began to build earlier this week, when editors across New York gathered to whine and moan about Going Mutant being selected.

“They’re just jealous,” said Dr. Barry Leed – the author of Going Mutant. “This is a ground-breaking book. I’ve got my Ph.D. in Mutant Bat Science and this book took many years of research and hard work.”

You should get the book now – RIGHT HERE – before it is sold out.

And here’s an interview with Dr. Leed about Going Mutant.

CHICAGO – Nurses in a maternity ward were knocked off their feet when they heard an unborn baby rapping  - in his mother’s womb!

“I would never have believed it if I hadn’t heard it with my own ears,” added Agnes Couperin, a nurses’ aide in a private hospital northwest of Chicago.

“I had just prepared the patient for an acoustic procedure that enables mothers-to-be to hear the heartbeat and the other little gurgles their unborn babies make in the womb.

“As soon as I turned on the amplifier, the sound of a rapper reverberated in the examining room. At first, I thought someone had turned on a radio.  But the amplifier clearly showed that the rapping had to be coming from the patient’s tummy.

“I don’t know much about hip-hop or rap,  but the little boy could throw down as good as Eminem or Lil’ Wayne, that’s a fact.  One of the other nurses who was there said he thought the boy was rapping “Not Afraid” – Eminem’s latest hit.

“All I know is it was clear as a bell and the rhymes were the best I’ve ever heard.  The language was a little R-rated, but it was the best raps I’ve ever heard.”

The only ones not surprised at the incredible crooning fetus are the parents, who are identified only as Donovan and Jamila  They said their unborn pride dan joy began rapping in the womb six months after she was conceived.

“it’s a miracle… a gift from God which we accept with humility and gratitude,” said Donovan a professional musician whose father sang with The Temptations.

“Jamila and I are hip-hop fans.  We play Beyonce and Jay-Z  night and day at full volume.  It’s no wonder our unborn baby has already acquired our love for opera.

“We both cried with utter joy and happiness when, lying in bed one night, we first heard that small voice rapping, Forget About Dre.

“In the beginning, I had to put my head to Angela’s belly to heard her the rap clearly. Now we can hear my son’s raps can be heard clear across the room.

Jamila explained that when not listening to Kanye West and other  rap artists, she and Donovan are singing or humming R&B tunes.

“It’s only natural that our little baby has followed suit,” shad added.  “In fact, we went to a psychologist, who tells us it’s common for children tolerant and retain words and sons, they hear while in the womb.”

Sound experts have listened to the singing fetus and have confirmed that no ventriloquism, tape recordings or any kind of trickeration is involved.

The quality of the son’s voice is extremely high, declared an acoustics expert asked not be identified.  But I detected an occasional gurgle between breaths. Doctors tell me that’s probably because the wombs is filled with fluid.  “That makes the fetus sound, at times , ass though he’s using auto-tune.

Everyone fears Zombies.  Forget Zombies!  Be on the lookout for Bat Boy!  WARNING:  Extremely bloody with obscenity.

Chicago, IL — Last night a brave South Side fireman took on the Chicago River Monster, who had been dormant for the last fifty-seven years.

The 200-ton reptile that first terrorized Chicago residents back in 1953 emerged again last night. The monster would have done millions of dollars of damage and may have cost a number of lives, if it weren’t for a brave firefighter who stood up to the monster on his own with a fire gun.   Alvin Johnson, who had just joined the CFD a year ago rushed in to lend a hand.  The battalion captain had advised all of his men to stay back and they were going to call in the National Guard, but Alvin couldn’t be stopped.

With no regard for his personal safety, Johnson ran to a water pump, got the controls and started unleashed a torrent of water on the monster.  “I didn’t think about it.  If I did, I would have run away, too.  My adrenaline was pumping and I just got to the controls and let that ugly monster have it,” Firefighter Johnson said.  Some baby boomers that were familiar with the Chicago River Monster thought Johnson was incredibly brave, others thought he was incredibly stupid.  “He could have got torn to pieces.  That boy had no sense,” said Sheila Bourelly.  “I ran home, locked the doors and prayed. That is one nasty monster.”

Weekly World News spoke with fifteen witnesses who say that the water from the fire hose only agitated the monster more, and the monster smashed a pier and a bridge. But Johnson persisted.  “I wasn’t gonna let that ugly thing get the best of me.  No, sir.”   Johnson kept at it and after forty minutes the monster went back into the water.  Local authorities think the monster may be in Lake Michigan now, but they can’t say for sure.

The Chicago River Monster was first sighted back in 1953 when Dolores and Fred Williams were on a stroll following their thirtieth wedding anniversary. They saw the monster rear it’ head out of the water.  They tried to run, but the monster grabbed them and tossed them at a nearby building.  At least they died together.

Firefighter Johnson will be honored at a ceremony next month and will receive the “Fireslayer of the Year” award.  He also received a call from President Obama who is thankful for him protecting his hometown city.

Many local residents are still on edge.  The Chicago River Monster has been dormant for a long time, but once he’s awakened, there’s no telling what he will do.  At least Chicago residents will be comforted to know that Firefighter Johnson is ready to take on the monster again.

CHICAGO, IL – The infamous Tsavo lions, said to have killed over 100 people, were found to have only eaten 35.

The pair of Kenyan lions, nicknamed “Ghost and the Darkness”, were killed in 1898 after reportedly eating 135 people! At the time, Lt. Col. John Henry Patterson was in charge of building a railway bridge over the Tsavo River to continue the Kenya-Uganda Railway.

The lions began entering the camps at night and dragging Indian railway workers out of their tents to devour them. Thorn fences were built around the area but the lions figured out how to crawl through.

After many unsuccessful traps, Patterson was able to shoot the lions three weeks apart. Only 28 Indians were recorded as being killed, however Patterson put the total number at 135, after including what he claimed were the deaths of unrecorded African locals.

Researchers at the Field Museum in Chicago have now concluded that the number was most likely 35. They analyzed the bones and pelts of the stuffed lions to determine what they had been eating.

“You are what you eat,” said researcher Bruce Patterson. “Just like salmon that eat mercury-tainted fish accumulate the metal in their bodies over time, so the chemical makeup of every animal’s diet is reflected in the tissues of their bodies.”

The researchers on the project believed that they are “95 percent confident that the lions ate as few as 4 or as many as 75 people total, with the highest probability falling out around 35 people.”

The exhibit at the Museum will be altered to include the new information.

CHICAGO, IL – A 51-year-old chunk of hair taken from Elvis’ haircut when he entered the Army is going up for auction this week.

The hair was picked up and kept by “a friend” who has held on to it ever since.  Only because of the economic crisis has he been forced to part with his beloved chunk of hair.

Similar items from Elvis’ life, collected by friends family and fans, will be available for auction.

A toothbrush once used by Elvis while he was on tour will be available for auction.  According to descriptions, the brush was used in the early part of his career while he was still doing small tours.  The brush is small, green, and basic with a rubber bit at the end, and was purchased purchased by Elvis specifically for the tour.

It has been kept by a resolute fan, who broke into Presley’s hotel room while he was sleeping, to grab whatever mementos she could. The Alabama woman wishes to remain anonymous, but it has been noted she walks with a limp from when Elvis threw a lamp at her as she jumped out his window

Ten years worth of fingernail clippings, collected by his maid during the 60′s, will be available at auction.  The clippings have been kept in a glass jar, hermetically sealed, and locked in a safety deposit box of a Swiss bank.

An undershirt worn by The King in a 1970 performance will also be available for sale.  The shirt has not been laundered since Elvis soaked it with sweat under the bright Las Vegas lights.  The shirt is said to turn anyone who wears it into a rock star.  Matchbox 20 is believed to only exist due to brief contact with the shirt.  In the nearly 40 years since it was worn by Elvis the shirt his believed to be at the center of a dozen mysterious deaths, 4 missing people, and 8 top 20 hits.

BALTIMORE, MD – A new GPS software program is being offered, which alerts any car driver to the presence of nearby Phantoms of the Opera.

Phantom Alert claims to warn drivers if their intended route is taking them by any known haunts of a Phantom of the Opera. The program depends on drivers reporting sightings to the company, who then builds a database of all known hot spots to be sent to customers’ GPS systems.

Raoul Fenway, CEO of Masquerade, International, explained, “We’ve seen a huge uptick in Phantom sightings in the past year. We believe this is due to the recession. Plays are closing across the country and the Phantoms of these failed productions seem to have gone astray.”

When asked if the Phantoms are dangerous, Raoul replied, “Oh no no. We just want to help drivers avoid collisions. The masks impair their vision, so the Phantoms tend to wander in despair into oncoming traffic. But they’re easy to avoid if you can spot them.”

Fenway said his company is currently in the works on a number of new GPS systems, such as ones that detect cats, foul-mouthed puppets and murderous chorus girls.