CHICAGO, IL – The infamous Tsavo lions, said to have killed over 100 people, were found to have only eaten 35.

The pair of Kenyan lions, nicknamed “Ghost and the Darkness”, were killed in 1898 after reportedly eating 135 people! At the time, Lt. Col. John Henry Patterson was in charge of building a railway bridge over the Tsavo River to continue the Kenya-Uganda Railway.

The lions began entering the camps at night and dragging Indian railway workers out of their tents to devour them. Thorn fences were built around the area but the lions figured out how to crawl through.

After many unsuccessful traps, Patterson was able to shoot the lions three weeks apart. Only 28 Indians were recorded as being killed, however Patterson put the total number at 135, after including what he claimed were the deaths of unrecorded African locals.

Researchers at the Field Museum in Chicago have now concluded that the number was most likely 35. They analyzed the bones and pelts of the stuffed lions to determine what they had been eating.

“You are what you eat,” said researcher Bruce Patterson. “Just like salmon that eat mercury-tainted fish accumulate the metal in their bodies over time, so the chemical makeup of every animal’s diet is reflected in the tissues of their bodies.”

The researchers on the project believed that they are “95 percent confident that the lions ate as few as 4 or as many as 75 people total, with the highest probability falling out around 35 people.”

The exhibit at the Museum will be altered to include the new information.

CHICAGO, IL – A 51-year-old chunk of hair taken from Elvis’ haircut when he entered the Army is going up for auction this week.

The hair was picked up and kept by “a friend” who has held on to it ever since.  Only because of the economic crisis has he been forced to part with his beloved chunk of hair.

Similar items from Elvis’ life, collected by friends family and fans, will be available for auction.

A toothbrush once used by Elvis while he was on tour will be available for auction.  According to descriptions, the brush was used in the early part of his career while he was still doing small tours.  The brush is small, green, and basic with a rubber bit at the end, and was purchased purchased by Elvis specifically for the tour.

It has been kept by a resolute fan, who broke into Presley’s hotel room while he was sleeping, to grab whatever mementos she could. The Alabama woman wishes to remain anonymous, but it has been noted she walks with a limp from when Elvis threw a lamp at her as she jumped out his window

Ten years worth of fingernail clippings, collected by his maid during the 60’s, will be available at auction.  The clippings have been kept in a glass jar, hermetically sealed, and locked in a safety deposit box of a Swiss bank.

An undershirt worn by The King in a 1970 performance will also be available for sale.  The shirt has not been laundered since Elvis soaked it with sweat under the bright Las Vegas lights.  The shirt is said to turn anyone who wears it into a rock star.  Matchbox 20 is believed to only exist due to brief contact with the shirt.  In the nearly 40 years since it was worn by Elvis the shirt his believed to be at the center of a dozen mysterious deaths, 4 missing people, and 8 top 20 hits.

BALTIMORE, MD – A new GPS software program is being offered, which alerts any car driver to the presence of nearby Phantoms of the Opera.

Phantom Alert claims to warn drivers if their intended route is taking them by any known haunts of a Phantom of the Opera. The program depends on drivers reporting sightings to the company, who then builds a database of all known hot spots to be sent to customers’ GPS systems.

Raoul Fenway, CEO of Masquerade, International, explained, “We’ve seen a huge uptick in Phantom sightings in the past year. We believe this is due to the recession. Plays are closing across the country and the Phantoms of these failed productions seem to have gone astray.”

When asked if the Phantoms are dangerous, Raoul replied, “Oh no no. We just want to help drivers avoid collisions. The masks impair their vision, so the Phantoms tend to wander in despair into oncoming traffic. But they’re easy to avoid if you can spot them.”

Fenway said his company is currently in the works on a number of new GPS systems, such as ones that detect cats, foul-mouthed puppets and murderous chorus girls.

CHICAGO, IL – Sears has worked hard to secure great Presidents Day sales by conjuring up the ghost of George Washington at its flagship store.

Customers arrived at the State Street store in Chicago early this morning to be greeted by the spirit of the first American president George Washington. Sears has admitted to using a company-sponsored seance to bring forth and trap his spirit. For today only, he is bound to the store’s entryway, forced to greet and entertain consumers. Local commercials featuring the unhappy ghost are bringing in curious residents by the thousands.

Every five minutes, Washington sighs and reads unenthusiastically from note cards. Some phrases he has been forced to utter include:

“Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble. Sign up for hassle-free Sears Credit today.”

“I have no other view than to promote the public good, so please visit our Presidents Day Mattress Event in the Home department.”

“The Sears Catalogue is the guide which I will never abandon.”

“Guard against the impostures of pretended salesmanship. Who can counter our 15% discount on all appliances?

“Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. Come see the softer side of Sears.”

Wal-Mart, one of Sears’ competitors, has countered by accusing the department store of witchcraft. A Wal-Mart spokesperson stated, “Of course we are not threatened by Sears’ unethical practices. Our customers want low prices, not devilish gimmicks. No God-fearing Americans are shopping at Sears today.”

WASHINGTON, DC – With February off to a rocky start, President Obama called an old friend for some much needed support – PhD Ape!

This week has seen continuing struggles for the newly inaugurated president as his economic stimulus package has been met with increasing resistence from the minority party in Congress.  Additionally, two of Obama’s nominees for Cabinet positions removed themselves from consideration as a result of income-tax related controversies.

Following a press conference in which he described feeling embarrassed and disappointed, President Obama personally called PhD Ape, asking the famous shrink to come to the nation’s capitol for the weekend.

“It is an honor to serve at the pleasure of the President,” PhD Ape told the White House Press Corp.  “Barack and I are old friends, we go way back.  When I saw how things were going this week, I had a feeling I would be hearing from him.”

President Obama and PhD Ape first met in Chicago in the 1980s where both men were working as community organizers in the city’s south side.  Although PhD Ape did stay there long, as the allure of the bright lights of Hollywood and high profile clientelle was too strong.

The biggest blow this week came from the usually Obama-friendly New York Times.  In an editorial on Monday the paper called for Senator Tom Daschle, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, to remove his name from consideration due to the emerging information regarding hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes.

The former Senate Majority Leader has been one of the key advisors on health care to President Obama throughout his Senate career and during his Presidential campaign.

President Obama had intended for Senator Daschle to act as Health Czar, overseeing the planned massive overhaul of the United States health care industry and creation of a nationalized system.

“Barack and Tom have been friends and colleagues for many years and were very much looking forward to getting to work on health care for the American people,” PhD Ape said.

“They are both saddened by this weeks turn of events.  And for the harshest criticism to come from the Times.  That was like being kicked while already down.”

“Barack, Michelle and I plan to have a low-key weekend to help get his thoughts and feelings in order.  Luckily, Nights in Rodanthe came in the mail before I had to leave for the airport.”

When asked by members of the Press Corp. whether he had any interest in the vacant Health and Human Services position, or possibly Surgeon General, another position without a nominee, the typically verbose PhD Ape simply smiled.

“No comment.”

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration travel plans are harkening back to a time earlier than any had predicted.

It was recently reported that Obama and his family would be taking a train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C., stopping along the way to pick up Vice President-elect Joe Biden in Delaware. However, Emmett Beliveau, the executive director of the Presidential Inaugural Committee, has issued a statement to clarify Obama’s plans.

“President-Elect Barack Obama has chosen to ride horseback to his presidential inauguration. His decision honors the rich history and tradition of previous inaugural journeys, such as those of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. His denial of automotive transport is also a statement against our dependency on foreign oil.

“Millions of citizens have expressed a desire to see Obama sworn in, but sadly, it is not possible to accommodate a number of that magnitude. By riding horseback out in the open through three states, we hope to include as many Americans as possible who wish to congratulate him.”

When asked by a CNN reporter if Michelle Obama and her children would be joining him, Beliveau laughed and shook his head. “Oh no no no, she and the girls will be taking the train. Michelle told him if he goes through with this, she doesn’t care if he’s the leader of the free world or a plumber, she doesn’t want to hear one peep about his sore behind.”

CHICAGO, IL – Sources inside the Obama Transition Team have confirmed that Rahm Emanuel tipped off FBI to Governor Rod Blagojevich’s schemes as payback.

Emanuel, Chief of Staff to the President-Elect, known throughout the Capitol as “Rahmbo,” is a political ball-buster and ruthless opponent. It has been no secret in Illinois that Emanuel, a popular member of the House of Representatives, is no fan of the embattled Illinois Governor.

Rumors have circulated for years that during the Clinton Administration, Emanuel, a top political adviser, challenged several members of the House to a duel on the lawn of the Illinois State Capitol. Blagojevich was reportedly the only one to accept the challenge.

They met at dawn and stood back to back before walking 20 paces and turning to face one another.  Emanuel’s gun misfired.  In his anger, he showed Blagojevich his favorite finger.

Blagojevich, with surprisingly good aim, shot off the tip of Emanuel’s middle finger on the right hand.

It was the first time Emanuel was on the losing end of a political gunfight, and he would never forget the lost phalange. As Blagojevich began making blatant attempts to sell Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder, Emanuel saw an opportunity for payback.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Emanuel asked the FBI to allow him to settle the matter with Blagojevich through a duel. When asked about the allegation, US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said, “I cannot comment on that.  But it sure sounds like Rahmbo.”

CHICAGO, IL – Obatma was wrongly arrested this morning for conspiring to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and his chief of staff were arrested Tuesday morning after the FBI revealed wiretaps exposing Blagojevich’s plans to trade the Senate seat for cash and a well-paying job for his wife.

Obatma was also picked up from his makeshift cave in Grant Park. FBI agents believed he was involved in the planning but were admittedly confused by his motives. Why would Obatma conspire against his own half-brother’s old seat?

Upon reviewing the tapes, the error was found. Obatma’s grasp on English, let alone any human language, is extremely poor. Obatma was able to explain through a sonar interpreter that when Blagojevich called, he thought they were talking about selling seeds for honey. Honey is very valuable in his home country of Kenya, and Obatma occasionally ventured from his cave to trade seeds with the honey hunting Ogiek tribe.

The taped conversation went as follows:

R: I’m going to keep this Senate option for me a real possibility, you know, and therefore I can drive a hard bargain. The seat is a valuable thing – you just don’t give it away for nothing.
O: squeak!
R: I want to make money.
O: squeak squeak!
R: Are you in?
O: squeeeeaaaaaaak!
R: Wow. Keep our fingers crossed. You’re the man. Good job, son.

Obatma was returned to his cave, but not before he was given five minutes to sit in the front seat of the police car and turn the sirens on and off repeatedly.

CHICAGO, IL – With the economy continuing its roller-coaster ride this week, retailers are expecting a different type of crowd.

Interplanetary shoppers are anticipated to make up as much as 74% of Black Friday shoppers.  Americans are tightening their belts and keeping their wallets pocketed this holiday season as bonuses are cut and lay-offs looming right around the corner.

“Typically we have a good amount of shoppers the week leading up to Thanksgiving,” Wal-Mart manager Susiana Thornward told reporters.  “But this year we haven’t noticed a dramatic spike in sales in November.  We’re a little worried about Friday.”

Experts don’t share Thornward’s skepticism.  Although big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Best Buy have not seen significant growth during the financial crisis, online retailers of those same companies, as well as Amazon.com have noted that interplanetary and intergalactic sales are booming.

Brian Dipther, consumer trend specialist for Newsweek Online said, “Since Black Friday deals are only available in stores, we expect to see large numbers of aliens flocking to stores to snatch up the incredible deals being offered by big box retailers.”

“If you thought it got ugly when hundreds of mid-westerners rush around a store trying to grab up sale items, just wait until six-armed, three-headed, slime-covered 14-foot tall aliens are fighting over a Tickle-Me Elmo.”

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama has gone a step further in diversifying his transition team.

So far, Obama has named a number of openly gay people and people of color to his transition team. The team was created to lay out the agenda and priorities for the upcoming Obama Administration. Minority groups have applauded his efforts, but one group was left out until now.

Obama has been in talks to hire Xaxal, a well-known alien rights activist in the extraterrestrial community. His expertise alien-human relations makes him an exceptional candidate for one of the Agency Review teams. These teams provide the president-elect with information needed to make strategic policy, budgetary, and personnel decisions prior to the inauguration.

President George W. Bush has all but ignored even bringing alien rights to the table for the past eight years. Many extraterrestrials living in the United States are now looking to President-Elect Obama to make radical policy changes.

When pressed to explain at a recent press conference, Obama simply stated, “Look, I’ve known Xaxal for a long time. He attended Ykard University, the galactic sister school of Harvard Law, and has defended minority rights on 27 different planets in the last 300 years. If anyone else is more qualified in alien issues than him, I’d like to meet them!”

The reporter replied that the President-Elect had already met Cindy McCain, who had alleged relations with the Alien, but Obama quickly moved on to the next question.