GENEVA – Scientists say they are on the verge of proving dark matter. That might not necessarily be a good thing!

Dark matter makes up 25 percent of the universe according to scientists. However, its existence has never been able to be proven. That is until now where a giant particle collider at CERN might do the trick, the research center’s head said Monday.

“We don’t know what dark matter is,” said Rolf-Dieter Heur, Director-General of the European Organization for Nuclear Research on the Swiss-French border near Geneva.

“Our Large Hadron Collider (LHC) could be the first machine to give us insight into the ‘dark universe,’” he said. “We are opening the door to New Physics, to a discovery period.”

Astronomers and physicists say that only 5 percent of the universe is currently known, and that the invisible remainder consists of dark matter and dark energy, which make up some 25 percent and 70 percent, respectively.

That sounds like a great theory, but Weekly World News’ group of scientists have a different opinion. They have been fevorishly comparing and sharing notes with CERN, and have developed their own theory. That “dark universe” that Heuer talks about is actually the result of the Chaos Cloud.

The Chaos Cloud was spewed from a black hole 28,000 light years from Earth and is vaporizing everything in its path, says WWN’s astronomers. Anything from comets, asteroids, planets and entire stars is devoured by the cloud. Worst of all, they think that it’s heading towards Earth. The swirling 10 million-mile-wide cosmic dust cloud has been likened to an “acid nubula” and is moving towards us at close to the speed of light – making its estimated time of arrival the first week of June 2014.

“The good news is that this findind confirms several cutting-edge idea in theoretical physics,” announced Dr. Allan Sherwhiskey, a Cambridge-based astrophysicist with close ties to NASA.

“The bad news is that the total annihilation of our solar system is imminent.”

A senior White House official, speaking in anonymity, addressed this matter. “This is a lot like global warming, where the jury is still out on whether it’s real or not,” he said. “The existence of this so-called chaos cloud is only a theory. Americans shouldn’t panic until all the facts are in.”

BANGKOK, THAILAND – The Chaos Cloud is apparently unhappy over the uproar in Bangkok’s airport.

Protesters from the People’s Alliance for Democracy poured into Bangkok’s international airport as Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat was due to arrive. Wongsawat’s flight was diverted and the airport has been completely shut down. Stranded foreigners are being relocated to hotels as thousands of protesters settled in for the long haul.

The Chaos Cloud arrived late last night in Bangkok, leaving citizens to awaken to its sun-blocking gloom. Thai journalists believe the Cloud is not concerned with the political outcome of the protests, only that complete anarchy not occur. The Chaos Cloud is attempting to contain any chaos until its final descent in 2014.

The head of Thailand’s army has now assured the public and the Cloud that the military will not commit a coup, but strongly encourages the government to allow free elections. “The government should return power to the people,” stated General Anupong Paochinda, with a fearful eye to the sky.

SANTA BARBARA, CA – As the fires die down in Southern California, the Chaos Cloud moved in and set his ominous scowl.

The California fires burned through over 40,000 acres and hundreds of homes, and over 30 people were injured. The smoke and ash blanketing the area is so bad that some schools have been closed due to the poor air quality.

The Chaos Cloud emerged from the black smoke last night over Santa Barbara, apparently miffed at the recent allegations that some of the fires were human caused. Its angry grimace is expected to scare the perpetrators into turning themselves in. It is well known that the Cloud does not want any chaos on Earth until its final descent in 2014.

BEIJING, CHINA – The Chaos Cloud has been spreading across Asia to finally center in on one of the world’s most polluted cities.

According to Shai Oster’s article in the Wall Street Journal, the Chaos Cloud is wreaking havoc across the continent, presumably in unhappiness over the pollution problems. China’s habit of coal burning has caused its air quality to plummet. The World Health Organization has found that 750,000 people die prematurely each year from respiratory problems, and acid rain falls on 30% of the country.

Experts believe that the Cloud is unhappy over so many premature deaths. It is predicted to touch down in 2014 and destroy the world in total chaos, and presumably wants as many human lives to end as possible.

The Director of Ministry of Environmental Protection is currently hiding under his desk and refusing to release any public statements.

NEW HAVEN, CT – The Chaos Cloud settled over New Haven City Hall yesterday in preparation for the start of official gay marriages.

Barbara and Robin Levine-Ritterman, one of the eight couples who successfully sued the state to allow same-sex marriage, received the first marriage license Wednesday morning. However, their photos may come out a little dark as the Chaos Cloud was hovering right above them.

Like some experts, the couple believes the Cloud is there to ward off potential anti-gay marriage demonstrators. “We don’t think the Cloud feels either way about same-sex marriages. We just think he’s here to keep the peace, so to speak,” said Barbara.

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – Rumors that President-elect Barack Obama will close the Guantanamo Bay prison has left more than just humans concerned.

It is being reported that Obama’s advisers are currently drafting a plan to move terrorism suspects to the United States to face criminal trials. As soon as the rumors started circulating, the Chaos Cloud appeared above the Guantanamo Bay prison and has not moved since.

It is widely believed that the Chaos Cloud is nonpartisan.  In fact, it seems to have completely non-human motives, but scientists have been unable to discern much beyond its desire to keep chaos under control until its final descent in 2014.

Chaos Cloud specialists have stated that the Cloud is warning disagreeing parties to keep it civil, lest it must come down and make us. Decmocrats and Republicans have agreed to stay calm, as no one wants to see what the Cloud would have in store for us.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After the presidential election went off without a hitch, many citizens were hoping the Chaos Cloud would vanish. But it isn’t satisfied just yet.

The senate race in Minnesota between Incumbent Senator Norm Coleman and former SNL star Al Franken has become dangerously close. As of Wednesday, there was only a 477 vote difference in the election.

While Coleman is asking Franken to concede, Minnesota law requies a recount for such a small margin. Franken supports the recount and stated, “Let me be clear: Our goal is to ensure that every vote is properly counted.”

It appears the Chaos Cloud has parked himself directly over the recount, to act as a warning against any poll-counting shenanigans. It is widely believed the Cloud does not want any chaos to break out before his final descent to destroy the world in 2014.

We can only hope the Chaos Cloud is not driven to act…

WASHINGTON, DC – On the eve of the most important presidential election in years, the Chaos Cloud has descended upon the nation’s capitol.

Following stops in crucial swing states such as Ohio and Florida, thought to be monitoring the election to prevent the turmoil seen in 2000 and 2004, it is now thought that the Chaos Cloud is going to monitor the final days of the Bush Administration in Washington DC.

President Bill Clinton was widely criticized for 11th hour pardons and judicial appointments made in December 2000 and January 2001 just days before leaving office.  While there have been no negative long-term effects of those decisions, Clinton left office under very different national and international conditions.

Bush will leave the White House with the nation in a recession, the military still embattled in Iraq and with an every deepening national debt.  It is widely feared what Bush might do in the 11th hour of his second term.

DNC Chairman, Howard Dean told reporters, “The presence of the Chaos Cloud, while an ominous portent for the year 2014, provides at least some comfort for the final days of the most harmful and hubris-inspired administration in this nation’s history.”

JACKSONVILLE, FL – It looks like the Chaos Cloud has picked its final destination before the elections begin: Florida!

After visiting Ohio, Indiana and Pennsylvania, the Cloud seems to have settled over Jacksonville’s Municipal Stadium, where it has been hovering since late Sunday night.

It is believed that the Chaos Cloud is warning government officials to not repeat the problems that were made during the infamous 2000 presidential election. This fits in with the Cayan prophecy that the Cloud is waiting to bring ultimate chaos and the end of the world in 2014.

Florida State University professor Dr. Adam Gamal explained, “The Cayans were a pre-Columbian Central American tribe renowned for their astronomy and mathematics. They worshipped a god-king mathematician who spent thirty years solving their greatest calculation: when the world would end.

“Their calendar ends in 2014, when an evil mist will descend and consume our world. I believe the Chaos Cloud is trying to limit any chaotic events until his time has come. Basically, he’s a bit of a prima donna.”

Florida officials are promising citizens that the balloting process will go as smoothly as possible. It appears that the Chaos Cloud will be insuring that.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/3571/chaos-cloud-settles-in-florida/feed/ 1 Hideaki Tailor chaoscloudflorida http://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/3537/chaos-cloud-moves-to-pennsylvania/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/3537/chaos-cloud-moves-to-pennsylvania/#comments Thu, 30 Oct 2008 10:33:38 +0000 Hideaki Tailor http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=3537 ]]>

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Once again, the Chaos Cloud has shifted its sights and has settled over the City of Brotherly Love.

First Ohio, then Indiana, and now Pennsylvania. The path has not been straight, which is causing much speculation on its intentions.

Nancy Burke, CNN’s Political Weather Analyst, said on air this morning, “This cloud definitely has some kind of agenda. I’m not saying it’s liberal or conservative, nothing like that. The weather has been fairly non-partisan throughout recorded history.”

When asked by Heidi Collins, CNN Newsroom anchor, what may come next, Nancy replied, “It left Toledo and Indianapolis unharmed, so Philly should be okay for now. But did you know the Cloud is made of dust particles from space? How can we predict how something so… unearthly will act?”

Nancy and Heidi stared ominously at the camera for a few seconds, before Nancy went on to report about a chimp that can ride a Segway.

Keep checking Weekly World News for more Chaos Cloud updates!