NEW YORK -  New York set a record today with temperatures in Central Park hitting 126!

Meterologists in New York recorded the highest temperature EVER in Central Park with temperatures staying above 120 with humidity close to 95%.

The previous record in Central Park was 117 degrees in 1978.

“It’s a real scorcher out there,” said Mayor Bloombergy, who advised all New Yorkers to stay inside with the air conditioning on “high.”   “I think everyone should leave work, go home and take a cold shower,” Bloomberg told reporters.

“Except for gay New Yorker who want to get married,” Bloomberg added.  “They should be outside preparing for their weddings.”

The National Weather Service has issued heat advisories for all of New York and New Jersey.

The blistering temperatures in New York will continue for the rest of the month.  “We expect it to remain very hot until August,” Al Roker said at a Temperature Conference in Manhattan.  “We advise people to drink a lot of water and a lot of Diet Coke.  Or Coke Zero.  This heat is real and it’s best to drink the real thing.”

“This is definitely the hottest day in the history of New York City,” said Jonathan Larwon, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service. “There’s a chance New York can break through 130 by tomorrow.”

People in Central Park are sweltering and the Great Lawn has turned into a nude beach.  Many in Central Park are taking off all their clothes to cool down.

The NYPD said that they will NOT arrest anyone for public nudity.  “It’s a public safety issue,” said NYPD spokesman, Jerry Tatler.  “People are sweating in their clothes, it’s better to just take them off.”

Even the NYPD officers are horseback were taking off their clothes.  “They can be just as effective nude as they can be with their uniforms on.  Who’s going to challenge a nude cop?” said Tatler.

David Letterman is considering doing his show tonight in the nude – in a sign of solidarity with the Central Park Swelters.

CENTRAL PARK, NY – Homeless man builds underground snow castle for winter residence.

The northeast has been ravaged by old man winter and his fury does not seem to be ending anytime soon. New York City’s Central Park has already seen an accumulation of 36 plus inches of snow since winter began. Owners of homes and apartment complexes have been cursing the snow as it continues to settle into the metro area week after week.

But one homeless man has taken this proverbial lemon and made not just lemonade but an entire lemonade factory so to speak.

Jimmy “Iceman” James, has been living on the streets of New York since the late 1970s. He has lived in various locations including the dumpster behind CBGB, the now abandoned City Hall subway station, and of course Central Park.

“The streets of the big apple have always treated me well,” recounts Iceman while standing outside of the unassuming entrance to his new digs, “Most of the places where I have deiced to rest my head have always been decent places.”

It was just after the blizzard this past December that Iceman got the idea to make a place that he could call home.

“The idea came to me when a heaping pot of day old lo mein was dumped on my head while I was sleeping in the dumpster just behind Tung Shing House. I woke up, looked outside of the dumpster, saw the monstrous amount of snow on the ground and it hit me like a snowball. But I realized I was actually hit by a snowball by some punk kids. After wiping the snow from eyes I realized that I no longer had to live in dumpsters. I could make my own home out of the snow.”

Iceman recounts that he immediately made a swift voyage back to Central Park, what he likes to refer to as his summer home, where he began making plans for his new winter abode. He knew that the structure needed to be inconspicuous or the Parks Department would surely knock it down.

To combat this problem Iceman decided to make an elaborate underground castle-like labyrinth of a home, having a great hall, bedroom, and of course a bar. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The entire underground layer encompasses a whopping 13,000 square feet.

When Iceman was asked how he could accomplish such an amazing feat he simply replied with a toothless grin, “You’d be surprised what other homeless people will do with just a little bit of convincing and lots of crack cocaine.”

NEW YORK, NY – Researchers have been using satellite-aided georgaphical analysis to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s location, but he may be closer than they think.

A research team at the University of California-Los Angeles has been using nighttime satellite images and hiding-place location probabilities to attempt to find terrorist Osama bin Laden. Their conclusion is that bin Laden is most likely hiding out in Parachinar, a small Pakistani border town. They have even been able to pinpoint three specific compounds he may be living in.

However, Weekly World News has received word from numerous sources that Osama may actually be hiding out in New York City’s Central Park!

Classified documents list numerous witness accounts of seeing a very tall man in a white turban creeping around the wooded areas of the park. He is often seen cackling and drumming his fingers together. When one policeman approached him, he dove into a hole in the ground and disappeared.

The FBI have since discovered a network of tunnels under the park that the man conceivably dug. They have yet to fully explore it.

Will bin Laden be caught on the very land he committed his most heinous crime?

NEW YORK, NY – Britney Spears’ “Circus” has topped the charts this week, and she is ready to celebrate!

Spears’ comeback is officially a success after her sixth album debuted at the top of Billboard’s sales charts. Her accomplishment comes less than a year after a downward spiral of personal problems that threatened to end her career. Barry Weiss, chairman and CEO of the BMG Label Group, stated, “People are just loving how she is doing right now.”

Perhaps this is why they have been keen to keep her nighttime antics as “Batney” a secret. Britney has befriended the country’s most lovable mutant, and the pair have been spotted causing juvenile mischief in the wee hours, when she is able to escape her handlers.

Batney celebrated her album’s success with Bat Boy at a private club in New York City. Neither of them drank alcohol, but did get extremely hyper after overloading on sugary Shirley Temples.

Bat Boy then presented her with his own homemade gold record, fashioned from bat guano and used tinfoil he had collected.

When a fan spotted the singer, the pair fled into the night, hightailing it to Central Park where Bat Boy showed her how to catch mosquitoes: running through a field at high speed with your mouth wide open.

Batney could be heard squealing, “BEST NIGHT EVER! BEST NIGHT EVER!”

New Holland, PA – The Amish have begun using zombies for manual labor. Despite their reputation for resisting change and a simple life, the Amish are quickly replacing horses and other beasts of burden with the walking dead in many rural communities.

A recent outbreak in nearby Philadelphia brought scores of zombies to Pennsylvania’s idyllic “Amish Country.” Quilt shops and covered bridges from Lancaster to Brandywine were littered with animated corpses. But in tragedy, Jebediah Rosmarin saw an opportunity.

“The town was filled with zombies, and the Jenkins needed their barn raised. Seemed like the natural thing to do.” Rosmarin organized members of his community to corral and tie up the slow moving creatures. Then a volunteer acted as “bait” to lure the lumbering undead in a particular direction, and a barn was raised in record time.

Given their long lifespan and limited food requirements, zombies have become an ideal pack animal for a slow economy. Now covered buggies pulled by zombies can be seen slowly hobbling throughout Lancaster County.

When asked if it is ever awkward to see former friends and loved ones as living-dead pack animals, Rev. Kurtzweill responded “We know they would forgive us for denying them peace, and we forgive them for trying to eat us. In the end the work gets done and that’s what’s most important.”

Now other cities are considering the green alternative of zombie energy. Boston’s Transit Authority has begun work on zombie rickshaws and New York hopes to have zombie-pulled carriage rides through Central Park available by Christmas.

NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy visited David Blaine during his “Upside Down Man” stunt, where Blaine is hanging by his feet for 60 hours in Central Park.

Bat Boy didn’t seem to understand what all the hooplah was about, as he sleeps every day by hanging from the top of his cave in West Virginia.

To show his support, he brought a swarm of mosquitoes for Blaine to feast on for sustenance. Blaine thanked him but politely declined.