NEW YORK, NY – Researchers have been using satellite-aided georgaphical analysis to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s location, but he may be closer than they think.

A research team at the University of California-Los Angeles has been using nighttime satellite images and hiding-place location probabilities to attempt to find terrorist Osama bin Laden. Their conclusion is that bin Laden is most likely hiding out in Parachinar, a small Pakistani border town. They have even been able to pinpoint three specific compounds he may be living in.

However, Weekly World News has received word from numerous sources that Osama may actually be hiding out in New York City’s Central Park!

Classified documents list numerous witness accounts of seeing a very tall man in a white turban creeping around the wooded areas of the park. He is often seen cackling and drumming his fingers together. When one policeman approached him, he dove into a hole in the ground and disappeared.

The FBI have since discovered a network of tunnels under the park that the man conceivably dug. They have yet to fully explore it.

Will bin Laden be caught on the very land he committed his most heinous crime?

NEW YORK, NY – Britney Spears’ “Circus” has topped the charts this week, and she is ready to celebrate!

Spears’ comeback is officially a success after her sixth album debuted at the top of Billboard’s sales charts. Her accomplishment comes less than a year after a downward spiral of personal problems that threatened to end her career. Barry Weiss, chairman and CEO of the BMG Label Group, stated, “People are just loving how she is doing right now.”

Perhaps this is why they have been keen to keep her nighttime antics as “Batney” a secret. Britney has befriended the country’s most lovable mutant, and the pair have been spotted causing juvenile mischief in the wee hours, when she is able to escape her handlers.

Batney celebrated her album’s success with Bat Boy at a private club in New York City. Neither of them drank alcohol, but did get extremely hyper after overloading on sugary Shirley Temples.

Bat Boy then presented her with his own homemade gold record, fashioned from bat guano and used tinfoil he had collected.

When a fan spotted the singer, the pair fled into the night, hightailing it to Central Park where Bat Boy showed her how to catch mosquitoes: running through a field at high speed with your mouth wide open.

Batney could be heard squealing, “BEST NIGHT EVER! BEST NIGHT EVER!”

New Holland, PA – The Amish have begun using zombies for manual labor. Despite their reputation for resisting change and a simple life, the Amish are quickly replacing horses and other beasts of burden with the walking dead in many rural communities.

A recent outbreak in nearby Philadelphia brought scores of zombies to Pennsylvania’s idyllic “Amish Country.” Quilt shops and covered bridges from Lancaster to Brandywine were littered with animated corpses. But in tragedy, Jebediah Rosmarin saw an opportunity.

“The town was filled with zombies, and the Jenkins needed their barn raised. Seemed like the natural thing to do.” Rosmarin organized members of his community to corral and tie up the slow moving creatures. Then a volunteer acted as “bait” to lure the lumbering undead in a particular direction, and a barn was raised in record time.

Given their long lifespan and limited food requirements, zombies have become an ideal pack animal for a slow economy. Now covered buggies pulled by zombies can be seen slowly hobbling throughout Lancaster County.

When asked if it is ever awkward to see former friends and loved ones as living-dead pack animals, Rev. Kurtzweill responded “We know they would forgive us for denying them peace, and we forgive them for trying to eat us. In the end the work gets done and that’s what’s most important.”

Now other cities are considering the green alternative of zombie energy. Boston’s Transit Authority has begun work on zombie rickshaws and New York hopes to have zombie-pulled carriage rides through Central Park available by Christmas.

NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy visited David Blaine during his “Upside Down Man” stunt, where Blaine is hanging by his feet for 60 hours in Central Park.

Bat Boy didn’t seem to understand what all the hooplah was about, as he sleeps every day by hanging from the top of his cave in West Virginia.

To show his support, he brought a swarm of mosquitoes for Blaine to feast on for sustenance. Blaine thanked him but politely declined.