RICHMOND, MA –  Killer Fisher Cats are attacking cats, dogs, bears, horses and humans in the Berkshires.  Locals are advised to stay indoors!

There’s widespread panic in the Berkshires in Western Massachusetts.   A wild pack of fisher cats are terrorizing the area – killing hundreds of cats and dogs, dozens of ducks, several black bears, nine horses, five pigs, three cows, and one three-month old baby.

Fireman Billy Els of Lenox, Massachusetts was walking his dog, Casey, near the Stockbridge Bowl, when two dozen rabid fisher cats attacked him.  ”It was crazy, man… they came out of nowhere.  I picked up a stick and started beating them off as hard as I could, but they were too vicious and rabid. I was scared to death.”

Els did some quick thinking.  He managed to grab Casey and climb a tree.  He then swung from tree to tree until he got to his pick-up truck in the parking lot.  Then he dropped forty feet into the flatbed of the truck and beat off a few more fisher cats (one that was clamped on his neck) and drove away.  He broke his left arm and right leg, but he made it home in time for his hot wing soup.

Here’s Fireman Els before the vicious attack:

Els’ wife, Kim, was also attacked.  She didn’t know what to do when she saw the five rabid fisher cats in her driveway, so she started singing Kumbaya – very loud, very fast.  She then  kicked the fisher cats over her Hyundai and climbed on the roof of her house with her daughter, Sydney, and son Quincy.  They’re still up there.

Others in the area haven’t been so lucky.  Joe Corkeran of Richmond was riding his horse and the fisher cats attacked.  ”They just jumped us and I fell off the horse.  I watched them take down Chili, and they killed him – right in front of me.  I ran into the lake, took off all my clothes and swam as fast as I could.  I’m just glad they don’t swim.”

Don’t tell Corkeran, but fisher cats can swim.  Maybe when he took off his clothes, the scent threw them off track.

Local authorities say that fisher cats have long been a problem in the Berkshires.  ”You never leave a cat outside up here.  Them Fisher Cats will attack and eat it,” said Sargeant David Lynch of the Great Barrington Police Department.  Lynch showed WWN a fisher cat he gutted and put on a stick in his front yard.  ”I use it as a warning to other fisher cats.”

These beasts are referred to as “fisher cats” even though they seldom eat fish, and are not cats – they are weasels. Fishers are one of the largest members of the Mustelid family, which includes species like the mink, weasel, otter and skunk. The name may have been derived from “fitch,” the European polecat, a species familiar to early settlers who may have mistaken the fisher for the polecat.

The fisher has a long, slender body, short legs, a wedge-shaped snout and an elongated, bushy tail  The fur is dark brown to black. Their bodies measure 20 – 30 inches with an additional 13 – 17 inches of tail and weigh from 4- 14 pounds. The fishers are known for their thick shiny fur coats, which provide good insulation against the cold and inclement weather.

The Killer Fisher Cats are known to have fangs that can be up to five inches long – and claws that can extend ten inches.

Why these fisher cats are on the rampage is not clear.  ”But I’m not going outside unless I have my beast broom,” said Billy Els.  ”If I see one of those wild weasels, I’m gonna beat it to death, then sweep him up.”

WORCESTER, MA  –  A cat was born with two faces!

“They initially walked up with the look of ‘oh what a beautiful cat’ and then as he turns I see the look of horror come across their face.”

Marty, Frank ‘n Louie’s owner says her cat with two names is also the cat with two faces and after turning 12 earlier this month, he’s now the oldest two-faced cat.

He was nominated by Guiness World Records for the longest living Janus cat, which is a new term for two faced cat, says Marty. The term Janus cat refers to the Roman God Janus who had two faces.

But Frank ‘n Louie almost didn’t make it. When he was just one day old a breeder dropped him off to be euthanized. Marty, a veterinary nurse, adopted him right away, “Nobody had claimed him and I said ‘I’ll take him I’ll take him’ and everybody just told me don’t get your hopes up, they don’t live and I said, ‘let me just try.”

“Everything works in unison, so when this side eats, this side sometimes goes up and down… He see’s out of the two outside eyes here, the middle eye is not functional but it doesn’t bother him at all. He’s fine with the way he looks,” says Marty.

It’s twice the cat and twice the cute!

Frank ‘n Louie wasn’t expected to make it longer than four days, much less 12 years. His life expectancy is between 13 and 15 years but his owner is hoping he’ll keep his miracle cat status going and live well into is 20′s.

LOS ANGELES – Chris Brown’s neighbors hate his guts.  He couldn’t take it anymore, so he started shooting.

Chris Brown’s neighbors complained to the building manager about noise, parking violations and a mysterious case of elevator vandalism ever since Chris Brown moved in a few months ago.  They complained and complained, but Chris Brown wouldn’t alter his behavior.

The neighbors also complained of loud music.  Apparently, Chris Brown loves to listen to Broadway show tunes at a VERY loud volume.

One day his neighbors smashed his Original Cast Recording of “Cats” and Chris Brown went up into his room to get his bazooka.  He couldn’t find his bazooka, but he did find his Uzi.   He went outside, ate some marshmallows and started shooting.

Luckily, he didn’t hit anyone, but boy were the neighbors scared.

Brown also FIRED on his Twitter page — saying HE is the real victim. “My neighbor carves my name in our elevator to incriminate me so it looks like I’m a reckless 22 your old.  Just because I was shooting an Uzi doesn’t mean I’m not a nice guy.”

TMZ had photos showing Brown parking in his neighbors handicapped spaces. Brown explained, “My parking spaces in my building that were assigned to me when I [bought] this crib are painted over with handicap and no Parking signs.”

He added, “A person should be able to live in his or her own company of their house! I’m barely home so these stories and accusations are so childish!”

Brown then fired his Uzi at WWN photographer Boy Mack.

The building manager says everyone is fed up with Chris Brown and they’re now planning on towing Chris’ cars if he dares park there again.

And they are firing back – they’ve all bought Uzis!

Animals around the world were shocked as well.  Casey better stay away from zoos for a while.

Matt Stopera at Buzz Feed first documented the animal reactions.  WWN photographers captured some additional ones.

PALO ALTO  – Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, loves to kill animals and eat them.

When he’s not too busy connecting people across the universe, Mark Zuckerberg is pursuing a new “personal challenge,” as he calls it. “The only meat I’m eating is from animals I’ve killed myself,” says the Facebook founder and CEO. “And I love hunting animals every day.  I love killing them!”

The 27-year-old Internet billionaire has taken to slaughtering goats, pigs, horses, ducks, cows, dogs, cats and chickens, “I’m eating a lot healthier foods. And I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals,” he says. “It’s easy to take the food we eat for granted when we can eat good things every day.”

Zuckerberg’s new goal came to light, not surprisingly, on Facebook. On May 4, Zuckerberg posted a note to the 847 friends on his private page: “I just killed 20 pigs and a ten goats.”
This drew a stream of emotional comments, which were a mixture of confusion, curiosity, and outright disgust. Zuckerberg posted his own comment in response, explaining that he fixates on a personal challenge each year (in 2009, he wore a tie every day), and this year’s is about slaughtering as many animals as possible.

Last night, Zuckerberg massacred fifteen pigs, nineteen sheep and a nine rabbits.

Zuckerberg’s guide on this strange journey has been a well-known Silicon Valley chef named Jesse Cool. She lives in Palo Alto, eight houses away from Zuckerberg, and owns a local restaurant called Flea Street Café. Cool has introduced Zuckerberg to nearby farmers and advised him as he killed his first chicken, pig, and goat. “He cut the throat of the goat with a knife, which is the most kind way to do it,” said Cool.

“We had to pull Mark off the goat.  He kept slashing the throat – over and over again,” said Cool.

Killing is just the kickoff. After that, Zuckerberg personally butchers the animals, cuts them into parts. Zuckerberg and his longtime girlfriend, Priscilla, have been cooking what he slaughters, eating what many people would not dare consume.

He recently ate a horse he slaughtered, including the heart and liver, and used the hooves to make stock. He posted a photo of a dead bear on his Facebook page, along with a list of the dishes he made from it.

Here’s two sheep Zuckerberg brutally stabbed to death a few days ago:

Only Zuckerberg can explain what this is really all about. Now in Europe for Facebook meetings, he sent Fortune an email detailing his thoughts:

“To start, let me give you some background on what I’m doing. Every year in recent memory, I’ve taken on a personal challenge — something to learn about the world, expand my interests and teach myself greater discipline. I spend almost all of my time building Facebook, so these personal challenges are all things I wouldn’t normally have the chance to do if I didn’t take the time.

Zuckerberg’s has had to deal with a learning curve when slaughtering animals. He moved from sea creatures to land animals. His first kill was a lobster, which he boiled alive. He says it was a difficult kill, at least emotionally. He had an entirely new feeling once he took a bite: “The most interesting thing was how special it felt to eat it after having not eaten any seafood or meat in a while.”

After the lobster, the next animal to fall at his hands was a chicken, then a pig, then a sheep, then a horse, then his own dog and cat.  What’s next on this journey? He’s told people that he’s interested in going hunting.

Zuckerberg says the new kill-what-you-eat diet hasn’t changed his frequent restaurant goings; he just limits himself to places where he can eat vegetarian. There has, however, been one unintended side effect: he notices that when he invites friends over to his house, they’re loathe to eat too much of what he’s making. He attributes that to them wondering if there’s enough to go around. “I guess they feel like I don’t have too much meat, so I should eat it myself,” he says. “I prefer sharing though.” Spoken like a true social media baron.

LONDON – The world has a new “Loudest Cat” champion!

The award for the loudest purr by a domestic cat goes to – Smokey!

Guinness says the gray-and-white tabby earned her place with record-setting 67.7 decibels. In a video on the cat’s website, the 12-year-old, ordinary-size feline purrs with a sound akin to the cooing of an angry dove.

Smokey first rose to prominence in February, when her owner, Ruth Adams, ran a local competition for the most powerful purr. A community college recorded the purr and submitted it to Guinness.

Guinness says the loudest animal sounds are the low-frequency pulses made by blue whales and fin whales when they communicate with each other – sounds that reach 188 decibels. By comparison, a lawnmower is 90 decibels.

WATCH a report from March (before Guinness confirmed the record):

NEW YORK, NY – One man has given his cats a life that any other cat would envy!

If you’re a cat and Craig Grant is your owner, than your pretty much living a sweet life. Grant didn’t always love cats – actually he borderline hated them. Thanks to his son, however, that slowly changed.

When his son moved out of the house, he left his cat Pepper behind. It turns out that Pepper was pregnant and shortly after gave birth to five kittens. Grant was about to give them up for adoption when his son told him that the kittens had to stay with their mom for at least 8 months. “It wasn’t long before the kittens were swinging from my curtains,” he notes on his website.

Well that was the start of a beautiful relationship between Grant and his cats. He developed a fondness for the felines – so much so that he purchased a 30 acre piece of land and built his collection of cats a beautiful “cat village.” In 2003, Grant had 11 cats. That number has gone up a few today – 660 total cats.

The cat habitat – Caboodle Ranch – takes up barely 5 acres of the 30-acre piece of land. The ranch has the seal of approval from the Tallahassee Humane Society and the Tallahassee/Madison County Animal Control.

Each individual cat costs about $550 a year to tend to. All of the costs come out of Grant’s pocket and donations from the public.

Some folks took a different approach to getting a litter of kittens adopted. No kitties were harmed in the process!

Do you remember the carnival game Whack-a-Mole? Where you hit the toy moles popping out of burrows? Well, replace those little guys with real-live kittens, and you’ve got Whack-a-Kitty!

It’s not as horrific as it sounds. It is merely a video stunt uploaded to Youtube to help get some of the cats adopted. As of today, the creator wrote:

“We had a lot of fun making this video and so did the kittens. If anyone is interested, we still have one male kitten and the mother cat available for adoption. We are looking for good homes. Please contact me for more info.”

Just watch the video and try not to want one:

Heard of cat yodeling? Not sure how to get started with your own cat? Well, Paul Klusman is here to help!

After posting a successful video online of cats yodeling, Klusman, an engineer in Kansas, was bombarded with requests for help. How did he get those cats to yodel? And how can an everyday cat owner do the same?

Well Klusman has provided a very helpful how-to video, with a special cat chorus at the end. Watch and learn!

BALTIMORE, MD – A new GPS software program is being offered, which alerts any car driver to the presence of nearby Phantoms of the Opera.

Phantom Alert claims to warn drivers if their intended route is taking them by any known haunts of a Phantom of the Opera. The program depends on drivers reporting sightings to the company, who then builds a database of all known hot spots to be sent to customers’ GPS systems.

Raoul Fenway, CEO of Masquerade, International, explained, “We’ve seen a huge uptick in Phantom sightings in the past year. We believe this is due to the recession. Plays are closing across the country and the Phantoms of these failed productions seem to have gone astray.”

When asked if the Phantoms are dangerous, Raoul replied, “Oh no no. We just want to help drivers avoid collisions. The masks impair their vision, so the Phantoms tend to wander in despair into oncoming traffic. But they’re easy to avoid if you can spot them.”

Fenway said his company is currently in the works on a number of new GPS systems, such as ones that detect cats, foul-mouthed puppets and murderous chorus girls.