I’m madder than Ted Kennedy at a cash bar! Today’s May 1, the big commie holiday. Yeah, there are still some commies around – old Ed didn’t kill ‘em ALL off in Korea, though I tried my damndest! Got a few of ‘em right between the eyes up on Pork Chop Hill.

Those days are gone. We thought we’d beat the commies, thanks to Reagan the Great – but now there’s a commie in Reagan’s old job! Old Lady Thatcher said Reagan won the Cold War without firing a shot, but Obama won the White House without firing Hillary Clinton.

No, it didn’t take much to fool my fellow Americans. Our government owns the banks and the car companies, posters of Obama are all over the place – America’s turning into North Korea with 7-Elevens.

No wonder Joe McCarthy drank himself to death. Saving your fellow Americans from commies within is a thankless job. Now our colleges are full of them, plus Hollywood, and now Washington: rich people who want everybody to be poor!

And our kids wear t-shirts of that commie Cheeto Guava guy, who killed more people than Charles Manson. Stupid brats don’t realize their hero would strangle them with their own earphone cords for listening to rock & roll.

Their heroes are guys like that Jon Stewart, who just called Harry Truman a “war criminal” on his TV show! Son, that “war criminal” is one the reasons you’re a millionaire today and not a lampshade on Hirohito’s nightstand.

Soon we’re gonna wake up and find they’ve stuck a black beret on the Lincoln Memorial, and carved Castro’s face into Mount Rushmore. For the Communist-in-Chief, every day is May Day in America! We’re doomed!

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

I’m as fired up as a wooden Indian outside a burning drugstore about last night’s big speech.

No, I’m not talking about the Teleprompter Kid. We all expected him to get up there and lecture us like a Berkeley professor, blame everybody else for everything — then to make things even worse. If he’d been speaking Mexican, I would’ve thought he was Castro!

What I can’t believe is the speech that little Republican fellow gave later. Johnny Mathis or whoever he is gets talked about as our future Commander in Chief, but after last night, I’m not sure.

What he said was really good if you read it. But he acted it out like a robot statue in that Disneyland Hall of Presidents. I half expected him to start sputtering and steaming half-way through like the bald bad guy in “Westworld”.

Bobby Jindal says he’s from Crapistan or one of those hellholes, but do we know that for sure? Maybe he’s really a Terminator from the future, except instead of laser beams, he can kill you just by talking. At least that Cheney robot we had for eight years didn’t go on TV and bore you to death, and that Romney one’s programmed to smile once in a while.

And shouldn’t Bobby Jindal have been back home last night anyway, supervising the annual Drunk Naked Folks Shooting Each Other Parade in New Orleans? Although I don’t see the difference between that day and any other in that Satanic cesspool!

Next time God decides it’s time to give the French Quarter another good long washing out, Bobby ought to volunteer to be a life raft. That boy’s so wooden, he probably floats! Good thing it wasn’t a fireside chat last night, or Bobby’d have burst into flames!