LEON, SAMOA – A Fiji Mermaid was denied federal student aid, and debate over mutant and Islander rights has exploded.

Jason Ratu Choudhry is a mermaid of Fiji descent living in American Samoa.  His family swam away from their homeland during the military coup of 2000 with only whatever possessions they could strap to their fins.

Jason had hoped to enroll at college this year, but he is being denied Federal financial student aid.  The government is denying Jason’s request since he is technically not a US citizen.  Mr. and Mrs. Choudhry believe he is being treated unfairly due to being a Fijian and a mermaid.

“Dozens of times we have applied for citizenship!” says Arthur Choudhry.  “But Samoa isn’t a state, so that made things difficult.  Then the form asked for race, and there was no box to write in mermaid!  Then we were told to go through the Bureau of Mutant Affairs, and they don’t have an office within 800 miles of here!”

Arthur Choudhry has worked with the Coast Guard for eight years and his wife Maria works at the local aquarium.  Without financial aid they cannot afford to send Jason or to college.  Currently Jason helps bring money into the home by posing for pictures with tourists who pretend to have caught him with a fishing rod.

Mutant and Islander rights groups are up in arms over the issue believing this is indicative of the unfair treatment given to two underrepresented minorities.  Debate has begun again in the halls of Washington over what rights should be given to island territories and mutants seeking citizenship.  Opponents claim that providing assistance denies the territories cultural identity, and in this economy the last thing the government needs is to hand out more money.

The National Association for the Advancement of Cryptid-People in conjunction with the Mutant Anti-Defamation League is putting together a fund that will allow Jason to go to school in the fall.

Jason hopes to attend NYU or UCal to study Underwater Archeology and French.

UPDATE: Obatma rejoices over Clinton’s nomination for Secretary of State position: the Bureau of Mutant Affairs is his!

Insiders are confirming that President-Elect Barack Obama will be nominating Hillary Clinton after Thanksgiving following days of negotiation. Obatma will now be free to claim the new Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs.

The Mutants for Clinton organization has begrudgingly announced that they will switch their support to Obatma.

November 18, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hillary Clinton is speaking out on the Cabinet position she wants, and Obatma is not going to like it.

Despite news that President-Elect Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State, Clinton has now publicly declared her wishes.

At an “impromptu” press conference, Hillary was surrounded by mutant Americans as she stated, “I am most interested in heading up the new Bureau of Mutant Affairs!”

“I for one know what it’s like to be persecuted for being a minority,” she explained while crying softly. “It was very difficult running to be the first female presidential nominee. But if I could get through that, I can certainly help these mutants break through their own glass ceiling!”

Obama aides are saying he has taken this as a personal affront on his family, as it was well known that Obatma was to be the first Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs. Many Americans feel that Obama owes Clinton a position in his cabinet after bumping her out of the primaries, so he may bring unwanted scorn if he turns her down.

A female mutant at the rally also felt conflicted. “Who should I support more? The first female Commissioner or the first mutant Commissioner? I really just don’t know.”

Insiders are not expecting Clinton to challenge Obatma to a debate, as it could be viewed as malicious due to his inability to speak any human language.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Obatma appeared on Larry King Live last night to “tell” his life story.

Due to his inability to form human words, Obatma used an easel and markers to describe his difficult childhood in Kenya. Obatma grew up in the total darkness of caves with only wall paintings to keep him entertained. He did not disclose how he ended up there, only that he felt very alone and neglected.

He then went on to explain how he was discovered by a local university professor, who upon seeing him, made the connection with President Elect Barack Obama. His description of the day he was led out of the darkness to meet his new half-brother left many viewers extremely touched. Obatma’s drawings of his acceptance into his new Obama family even had King shedding a tear.

Democratic Party insiders noted that this personal appeal may be in preparation of his rumored appointment to Obama’s presidential cabinet as Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs. One source explained, “We’ve got to make him as cute as possible for the American public to accept him and the new Bureau. Humans will not want to feel like Obama is putting creepy mutants before us.”

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama will soon be appointing members to his cabinet, and insiders are predicting one surprising addition.

While it is still early yet, speculations have already begun on who Obama will be selecting to join his presidential cabinet in January 2009. Names like John Kerry, Caroline Kennedy, Colin Powell and Bill Richardson have been bandied about, but one name in particular stands out: Obatma.

When asked about the possibility at a brief press conference, Obama explained, “Look, I want to clarify, this would not be an act of nepotism. Obatma is an intelligent, cool-headed mutant, wise beyond his years.

“If he were ready, willing and able to take the position, I would happily make him the Commissioner of my newly created Bureau of Mutant Affairs.”

Obatma was unavailale for comment, as he is currently in the swamps of Gallatin County taking a well-earned break from campaigning for Obama.