WASHINGTON, DC -  Nancy Pelosi went on all the news shows to make a proclamation:  the world will end on August 2nd!

“What we’re trying to do is save the world from the Republican budget. We’re trying to save life on this planet as we know it today.”

Nancy Pelosi is convinced that there will NOT be an agreement on raising the debt ceiling by Tuesday.

“This will call the U.S. to default and the world financial markets will collapse,” Pelosi said.  “That will leave to a total collapse of everything we have ever known.”  Pelosi predicted that the markets collapsing will then cause the riots and revolutions and… then there will be volcanoes, earthquakes, “and the earth’s core will explode.”

Pelosi said the earth will explode into a “gazillion pieces” by midnight on Tuesday.  “If we do not raise the debt ceiling – life will end, the earth and the universe will cease to exist.”

Pelosi is also predicting an extremely painful – but quick – death for every individual on the planet.

“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised, most people will experience horrific pains in their brains and hearts.  These pains will grow in intensity until the brain and heart explode.  The explosion will hurt even more.  We must raise the debt celing.”

Who does Pelosi blame for the end of the world and the death of every citizen of earth?

The Tea Party.

“The Tea Party has ruined the world.  When the history of the universe is written, the Tea Party will be the villains that caused the world as we know it to end.  The Tea Party, collectively, is Satan.

Pelosi ended her press conference by saying, “have a nice day.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama revealed his “top secret” method for reducing the $14 trillion debt – he’s selling the White House!

When Obama unveiled his $3.7 trillion budget package last Tuesday, Congress quickly dismissed it for putting to much financial pressure on the American taxpayer.

But in an exclusive press conference held just moments after the Congressional meeting, President Obama told reporters that he had one more budget cut up his sleeve:  selling the White to the highest bidder.

“I couldn’t think of a better way to stimulate the economy than by selling the White House back to the American people,” said Obama during an interview in the Oval Office. “Besides, that house gives me the creeps. I think it might be haunted.”

Obama told reporters that the proposed plan to sell the White House, which real estate specialists estimate value at $350 million dollars, will help meet his goal of cutting the in half by the end of his first term.

“I know it seems like a desperate measure, but I want to do whatever I can to help, even if that means selling the most respected piece of real estate in America to some schlub off the street.”

The president said the decision to sell the White House was one of the hardest he’s ever had to make.

“My only other option was to cut the entire Coast Guard,” he said, “but that just felt wrong for some reason.”

Republicans in Congress lampooned the president’s plan to sell the White House, calling it “the stupidest thing the president has done since taking office.”

“$350 million won’t make a dent in the US budget deficit,” said Rep. Paul Ryan, a Republican from Wisconsin. “If the president really wants to make some headway, he could start by selling all his stupid ideas. I bet he’d make a fortune!”

But some Americans are excited for the opportunity to own and live in a piece of American history.

“I’ll be right there with my checkbook as soon as the White House goes to market,” said John Dupont a warehouse worker from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. “It would sure beat living in my trailer!”

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending.  Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.  At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada.  It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s.  Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies.  Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray –   Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack –   A wearable cheese powered propulsion system.  Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men –      Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability.  Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime –     Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot.  Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth.  Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell.  Thanks for the memories.

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR