BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

Nowadays everything is being outsourced from customer service to technical support and the list keeps growing. Everyone has had an experience calling a customer service or technical support number and getting someone on the other end that has a thick accent and basically sounds like they are reading from a script.

Ultimately, when you hang up, distraught and dissatisfied, you often think, “Wow, a trained monkey could do that person’s job.” Well now a company in China is taking that concept almost literally. The Bei Mou Nu Corp. of Beijing is offering outsourced computer technical support by way of chimpanzees. That’s right. Chimpanzees are the ones giving the tech support.

Gan Ju Huan, founder and CEO of the Bei Mou Nu Corp. said that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of late 70s, early 80s American television classic BJ and the Bear.

“When I see Bear do so many amazing task on his own, I realize there something I can do with chimp,” said  Huan, “ One thing about show I not understand; Bear, he no bear, he chimpanzee. Americans, what they think of next. This why USA children so stupid. All USA children learn from TV. They get mix message, people calling chimp bear.”

Chimps have always been known for their high levels of intelligence and comprehension. But this is the first time that humans have been able to use chimpanzees for a customer service based job. Many computer manufactures such as Dell, Gateway, Asus, and Apple have already signed up for the ground breaking service.

The service, however, has been receiving mixed reviews from customers.

“I got one of the chimps on the phone the other day. There was a lot of screaming and hooting on the other end but surprisingly, I had my iPad back up and running in no time. Bubbles, the chimp who helped me, even gave me access to the new unreleased app, Windows,” said Timothy Sanders of Springfield, MO.

Read about the new Apple iPad app Windows here.

“I recently had a chat session with a tech support rep that I know had to be a chimp,” said Sheila Belafonte of Carson City, NV. “Not one word was spelled correctly and after 3 hours of chatting with the chimp nothing was resolved. Worst experience of my life.”

Many animal rights organizations are raising concerns regarding the well being of the chimpanzees as well.

“Chimpanzees are not supposed to sit behind desks, answer phones, and chat online. They are supposed to be in the wild, enjoying nature and flinging feces” said Virginia Wells of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), “let’s leave all this technical monkey business to the humans!”

LOS ANGELES, CA – John Mayer performed at Michael Jackson’s memorial last night.  Sources confirm that Mayer was never invited and instead snuck in.

Crowds were surprised at the Staples Center last night in Los Angeles when John Mayer took to the stage.  Up to that point the performers at Michael Jackson’s tribute memorial had been people close with the star.

Sources confirm that John Mayer snuck into the Staples Center to perform last night.  Security camera footage shows the 31-year-old crooner climbing fences and sneaking past guards to get in the building.  At one point he put a lone security guard in a sleeper hold, then stuffed him in a locker before moving closer to the stage.  Once in the backstage area, no one questioned Mayer’s presence.

Backstage Mayer attempted to fit in with the properly billed artists.  He tried to make small talk with Diana Ross, and other legends of Motown but was consistently shot down.  Quincy Jones tried to make the boy feel welcome before quickly losing his patience with him.  In the end Mayer spent most of his time standing in a corner with Corey Feldman, whose Michael Jackson outfit made many wonder if he had started doing drugs again.

At what was supposed to be an intermission John Mayer took to the stage. The audience wondered why the house lights had come up for his performance, and why he was not on the program.  Mayer’s performance was highly out of place between the various musical legends and tribute acts.  Both Bubbles the Chimp and LaToya Jackson had to be kept from flinging poo at the stage.  At the end of his song Mayer received polite applause from the bewildered crowd before he ran off stage and into the night.

No official criminal charges will be filed against John Mayer for trespassing at the Staples Center.  However Macauley Culkin has sworn a vendetta against John Mayer and is believed to be seeking vigilante justice.