SOUTHERN NEVADA  – Dennis Hof, of Cathouse fame, has opened a new brothel that features sex with aliens.

The reality television star and outspoken sex merchant recently bought a rundown bordello 90 miles northwest of Las Vegas and unveiled plans to renovate and reopen it with a science fiction theme.   There will be girls dressed in “sci-fi” costumes, but if you have enough money, you can have sex with a female (alien.

He is calling it Alien Cathouse and promising “girls from another world.”

Hof purchased the brothel and adjacent gas station, bar and convenience store on U.S. Highway 95 from notorious longtime Nye County brothel owner Maynard “Joe” Richards.

The store is being rebranded as the Area 51 Alien Travel Center and will feature its own line of merchandise emblazoned with little green men and women.

It’s all an attempt to cash in on the property’s location just south of the federal installation formerly known as the Nevada Test Site — though nowhere near the actual Area 51.

Hof, whose Moonlite Bunny Ranch east of Carson City is the setting for a long-running HBO reality show, expanded his adult empire into Southern Nevada last year when he bought Richards’ two brothel properties in the tiny town of Crystal, north of Pahrump.

With his latest acquisition, Hof now holds five brothel licenses, the most ever by a single owner. He hopes to add one or two more in the near future.

Where did Hof get the alien prostitutes?

He’s not saying, but a representative from the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrial, Jose Quintero, said that the U.N. has an agreement with Hof to help “bridge relations” with aliens from the Planet Zeeba.  “These aliens are here to help heal our planet, and they want to do anything they can to  help us.  Zeebans are peaceful beings.”

The Alien Cathouse is expected to open for business in a month, and there are only two appointments left for sex with the aliens.

The only glitch… The FBI will be taking names of all U.S. citizens that have sex with aliens.  “The government needs to keep records in case there are any inter-species diseases.”

Will the female aliens use protection?  “They don’t need to,” said Hof.    He wouldn’t elaborate on his answer.

Hof said that the sex at Alien Cathouse will “out of this world” and thinks once the word gets out… he’ll become “the best place in the world for a man to have sex.”

WWN is sending Hideaki Tailor to Alien Cathouse for an in-depth report.

HOLLYWOOD – CBS has decided to help Charlie Sheen get the help he needs.  They’ve bought him his own brothel in Nevada.

Executives at CBS have been debating for months what to do about Charlie Sheen.  He had a meltdown with an escort at The Plaza Hotel in New York, he spent a weekend with  porn stars in Las Vegas and he still has a serious drug and alcohol problem.

What is a network to do?  He is a role model to many young adults across the country.  Should they fire him?  Should they cancel Two and a Half Men?

No!

They’ve decided, as all networks do, that ratings are far more important.  Ratings trump everything – and if the networks has to be complicit in the physical and moral breakdown of an individual to keep their ratings up, well then so be it!   Since Charlie is such a professional when he is on set, they decided that they just need to help him better organize his life outside of the show.

Ergo, they’ve bought him his own brothel just outside Las Vegas.

The Charlie Ranch will open next month.  There will twenty professional prostitutes hired to tend to Charlies needs – and only Charlies needs.  The prostitutes will be changed every three months – to keep Charlie happy.  Some of the prostitutes will be porn stars, others will be actresses hoping to “audition” for future roles in future films with Charlie.

Here are the first three girls selected for The Charlie Ranch:

Sheen’s personal publicist, Sol Weitz, said in a statement.  “Charlie continues to do his job at a very high level.  He is the greatest sitcom actor in the history of television. Charlie is extremely happy that CBS has decided to help him with his off-set life.  It will make him more effective while he is on set.”

Sharon Teller, the head of CBS Television, said that she had a “high level of concern” about Charlie and that after several long meetings, executives decided that it was in everyone’s best interest to facilitate Charlie’s deviant ways.

“He comes to work,” she said. “He does his job extremely well. He treats the crew well.  And, most importantly, the ratings are high.”

CBS plans to stock The Charlie Ranch with more cocaine, alcohol and pain killers than Charlie could ever use. They’ve also built rooms in the brothel for Denise Richards and his children, so that they can visit and be together as a family.

Teller dismissed complaints from viewers who wrote in after learning about the brothel.  “Look, we have to deliver a top quality show.  Viewers don’t care what he does in his personal life.”  She went on to say, “We’ve spent too much energy and time trying to control Charlie.  If you can’t beat him, help him.”

Teller also confirmed that Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson will both have sitcoms on the network come fall.  “And we’re going to enter into similar arrangements with them.   Happy stars mean high ratings.”

This ground-breaking move by CBS already has ABC and NBC rethinking the way they handle their “high-maintenance” stars.

LAS VEGAS – Early voting has assured victory for Harry Reid in next week’s midterm elections.

Election workers in Nevada, primarily members of the Service Employees International Union, have been counting the early votes and have announced that Harry Reid has defeated Sharron Angle to keep his seat in the Senate.  They have certified his victory.  It’s official.

This year has seen a large percentage of voters going to the polls early in Nevada.  In 2008, 571,000 Nevadans voted in the election.  This year, SEIU, reports that 300,000 voters in Nevada have voted early and that 58% of those votes have been for Harry Reid.   This makes it virtually impossible for Sharron Angle to overcome Reid’s lead next week.

There have been numerous voter fraud reports in the last week coming out of Nevada.  In particular, a number of early votes said that when they went into the voting machine Harry Reid’s name was already checked and they couldn’t change it.

“Nonsense,” said Sal Gravado of SEIU.  “We’ve checked and re-checked those machines. They are working fine.”

There were also reports that there were over 50,000 votes from illegal immigrants, many of whom don’t even live in Nevada.  “We can’t disenfranchise illegal immigrants. They have the same rights as all Americans, and we want them to vote,” said a representative for Harry Reid.

Nevada election officials are considering cancelling next week’s election.  “We might not need the “late voters” to vote at all.  Senator Reid is a shoo-in, it’s best if he go back to work and get busy fundamentally changing our country,” said Reid aide William Workman.

President Obama flew to Nevada last night for the a victory party for Harry Reid:

“All the pundits were predicting that Harry was going to lose, but I knew he would win, and I made sure it happened,” said President Obama to a massive crowd of SEIU workers.  “Now, we just gotta get the Republicans to sit quietly in the back of the car, put them in a baby seat and shove  bottles of pablum in their mouths.  I’m going to drive this country and I don’t need any more whining from the babies in the back.”

Republicans were furious that Nevada election officials already certified Reid as the winner.   “If they keep this up, I’m going to throw them out of the car,” said Obama.  “And then when they’re out of the car, I’m going to run them over – several times.  This is MY car.”

Harry Reid was happy to be declared the winner.  “It just goes to show you that we know how to get things done in Nevada.   Las Vegas has a long history of getting things done the right way… and they did it again.

Senator Harry Reid – back for another six years.

TONOPAH, NEVADA — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has decided to work for a male brothel in Nevada, part of a new campaign strategy “to serve all Nevada voters.”

Senator Harry Reid is in a tough re-election battle with Tea Party Candidate Sharron Angle.  The latest Rasmussen poll shows Angle with a 46% to 43% lead over Reid.  So Reid is pulling out all the stops to win over Nevada voters.

The Shady Lady Ranch is located 31 miles north North of Beatty, and their motto is “a Gem in the High Desert.”   In January of this year, The Shady Lady hired the 25-year-old “Markus,” Nevada’s first male prostitute.  Markus, a former porn actor said he didn’t “discriminate based on race, color, creed, ethnicity, or skin tone.”  He did leave out gender. The 71-year-old liberal Reid said he would not prevent any registered voter from using his services.  He also said that his experience ramming bills through Congress would help him get in the mood for the job.

In March of this year, Markus quit The Shady Lady because he only had ten paying customers over the two-month period.  Senator Reid is confident he will “crush” Markus’s record.

Senator Reid will be working at the Shady Lady during the August recess.  Bobbi Davis, who co-owns the brothel with her husband, said that Senator Reid has already booked thirty-three clients.  Reid, who will be going by the name Phil Buster when at the ranch, has already been trained by his co-workers – Rio, Angel, Veronica and Sadie.

The Reid campaign was thrilled to make this announcement because just yesterday they lost the vote of a dead woman.   It was disappointing because the deceased typically vote heavily for Democrats.  The family of the recently deceased Charlotte McCourt, an 84-year-old Nevada woman who was once a supporter of  Reid, and helped in his election bids, followed her wishes and urged Nevadans not to vote for Reid in the upcoming election.  The obituary read, “Please, in lieu of flowers, vote for another more worthy candidate.”

Reid hopes that he can win over all  sexually active  Nevadans and is confident that his stint at Shady Lady as a gigolo will help propel him to victory.  If he fails to perform up to expectations, he intends to blame it on George W. Bush.  When Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was told of Harry Reid’s plan and asked if she would be stopping by to support him in his efforts, the Speaker ran screaming from the Capitol.   She is currently listed as “missing.”

Here is Price Sheet for Phil Buster (Reid).

40 minutes $200.00
40 minutes with the lights on $500.00
One hour $300.00
One hour with the lights on $650.00
Two hours $500.00
Two hours with the lights on $1,000.00

Couples parties starting at $1,200.00 an hour. One hour minimum.

Over night stay starting at $3,500.00

Viagra not included.

Registered Republicans please note that prices will be doubled.

Sharron Angle has already declined an offer for “free” services.  Here is Reid’s first booked client.  Misty:

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/19112/harry-reid-joins-male-brothel/feed/ 20 amosaya reid_shady4 busty_woman1 http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/2885/investment-bankers-flood-into-mexico-canada/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/2885/investment-bankers-flood-into-mexico-canada/#comments Wed, 24 Sep 2008 11:58:08 +0000 Garrett Hawley http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=2885 ]]>

TORONTO, CANADA – Thousands of proud but recently fired investment bankers are flooding into Mexico and Canada in a desperate bid to find steady work and job security that are no longer available in the U.S.!

A spokesman for the U.S. Border Patrol says an astonishing 500 to 1,000 citizens are crossing our Northern and Southern borders every day, some with the help of smugglers who charge up to $10,000 a pop to pack them in refrigerator boxes or roll them up in carpets and sneak them over in trucks.

Mexican border patrol officers are now working around the clock to stop this new influx of American immigrants.

“They used to try to stop us from heading over there, but now they want to come over here,” says one member of the Mexican policia whose squad lines up to stop flow of briefcase-carrying freeloaders.

“They make fun of us and don’t want us over there,” he says. “Well, we don’t want them over here either!”

“I grew up in America and I love my country, but Lord knows, I have to make a living,” Peter Starmeyer, 38, says from the makeshift plywood and cardboard shanty he now calls home on Toronto’s increasingly seedy west side.

“When Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy and I lost my job, I had no other choice. The only way for me to keep living the American dream was to move to Canada where businesses value and respect workers and try to help them hold on to their jobs.”

When asked where he is working now, he pointed at a brothel across the dock. “With my investment advice, Madame Cherry will be able to expand her business in no time!”, he proclaimed with a proud smile.

Montreal, looks like you’ll be seeing Cherry’s Orchard 2 soon!