ATLANTIC CITY – Hurricane Irene is weakening and may not be the “apocalypse” that authorities in multiple states are making it out to be.

The worst storm in the history of the world?

Armageddon?  The apocalypse?

Once in a lifetime storm?

Well, looks like Irene was just teasing us.  Yes, it is a major storm, but “Armageddon” – probably not.

Dr. Simon Atkins, CEO, of  Advaned Forecasting Corporation as the hype over Hurricane Irene is overblown.  He predicts that “North of Delaware, most hurricane force winds will very likely be gusts, not sustained winds.”

Atkins goes on to say that, “The demise of Irene has already begun. There is no visible eye. The storm intensity is down to 99 mph. This would be a low-end category 2 or a strong category 1 storm, while 36 hours ago some predicted a catastrophic category 4 storm. Air Force Reserve aircraft have found that Irene’s eyewall has collapsed, and the central pressure has risen — rising pressure means a weakening storm.”

But that’s not stopping Mayor Bloomberg from putting the fear of God into New Yorkers:

“Do not be fooled by the sun outside—that is the calm before the storm,” Mr. Bloomberg warned during a televised news conference from City Hall Friday afternoon. “You can’t wait until there are gale force winds and driving rains arrive. It will be too late then. You have to start your preparations to leave right now.”

Many New Yorkers were ignoring his warnings.  This woman on Coney Island Beach didn’t seem worried:

He issued mandatory evacuations for all New Yorkers in Zone A.   He shut buses, trains and subways.  Governor Cuomo said he would shut down the George Washington Bridge and the Tappan Zee Bridge, if winds get over 60 mph.  Basically, the Mayor and Governor were telling New Yorkers to… “get out!!”

Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey, was blowing a lot of wind himself.  “I want everybody off the beaches.  If you stay on the beaches, I’m personally gonna come over and beat your a**.”
Dr. Atkins told WWN.  “The reduction in storm intensity likely confirms that this storm is not going to be as monstrous as it has been publicly forecast to be. Yes, it will be windy. However, north of Delaware most hurricane force winds will very likely be gusts, not sustained winds.”

Advanced Forecasting Corporation, modeled the following predictions:

1)    There will be wind damage over eastern-most North Carolina as well as some storm surge flooding up the Pamlico Sound. Some houses in the Hamptons will be flooded and destroyed. Flooding might occur in New York’s Battery Park Subway station and on the FDR Drive since the city could get up to 8 inches of rain. There may be some New England neighborhoods submerged due to rivers overflowing.

2)    With 90% confidence, we predict a total damage bill below $1 billion. Unless there is an unexpected secondary or tertiary event, this is not going to be a huge-loss storm.

So, will it be Armageddon or a Hard Drizzle?  What do you think?

BROOKLYN – A young mother let her baby roll off the train to fight with another passenger.

It is believed the young mother heard, “Let it go! The baby!”  And did just that.

After exchanging words with another female passenger (in white) during the morning commute on a Manhattan-bound L train, the mother (in blue) released her grip on the stroller (in red) allowing it to roll off the train and onto the platform.

While one passenger graciously captured the mayhem, other Good Samaritans kept watch over the young child as the women got their catfight on.

The lady in white clearly won this one by staying on the train and losing only her wig in the battle. The lady in blue, who was rescued by even more friendly New Yorkers, eventually reconnected with her baby on the platform to wait for the next train.

Yesterday afternoon, the mother was interviewed and filmed for Ricki Lake’s new motherhood documentary, “Don’t Throw Momma From the Train.”

NEW YORK – Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner has signed a deal to be the new spokesman for Viagra.

Anthony Weiner is finally giving in – having realized his days as a Congressman are coming to a close and that he will never be Mayor of New York City.  All because of a the “junk shot seen round the world.”

After a long night of briefings with his staff, Weiner has decided to capitalize on his crotch close-up – “turn it into a real money shot.”

“I can say with certitude that this has had a negative effect on my family and my job, the one New Yorkers thought they sent me here to do.  I must look to the future.  And that future is… Viagra.”

Weiner was quick to point out that he has never used Viagra in the past.  “I do not have ED and I have been told I am  a  – stud-monster.  Ask my 21-year-old friends.  They haven’t seen one picture of me in which I wasn’t erect.”

Weiner will be no longer be talking about the National Debt, Jobs or the War in Afghanistan.  He will be talking about “when the moment is right” for Viagra.

He turned down Cialis  and Levitra because – “who needs an erection to last more than four hours?” – even though his photo erection has lasted over a week now.

Weiner said that Viagra isn’t just for Erectile Dysfunction.  “Viagra also helps blood flow in the body, which includes blood flow in the brain.  I think I could use a little help in that department.”

“I take Viagra.  Not for my penis, but for my brain.”

Maybe they are one in the same…

WWN’s Elsa Akesson had previously reported on Brett Favre’s deal with Viagra and Cialis.

BROOKLYN –  Faravores, followers of the latest food craze, demand distance for their delicacies.

Like locavores, faravores are people who pay attention to the origin of their food. They are committed to variety and eating food from as many faraway places as possible. They support what they consider “real” farmers.

Bob Gulvey, graphic designer and founder of Brooklyn Faravore, explained the motivation behind this quickly developing food trend.

“Real farmers are men in overalls with fields and pastures and tractors. This is where we want our food to come from. I don’t trust these locavore Brooklyn nuts with their hand-fed, backyard goats and their rooftop lettuces. It’s disgusting. It’s like breaking the ten-second rule on a New York City street and serving it up on a plate for $27.95.”

Gulvey continued, “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to eat a chicken you ordered online and had shipped to your little urban coop. And I definitely don’t want some nasty cock-fighting bird you bought off a guy underneath the Major Deegan. Faravore is about quality and selection. I support farmers who let their chickens run and roam. But they should do it in Iowa or Nebraska or somewhere with plenty of open space.”

When asked what brought him to organize, Gulvey did not hesitate.

“Coney Island Caviar, if you can believe it. I was at Met Foods on Fulton Street and they were giving away samples. Normally, I’m a big sample guy but you’ve got to be kidding me. I get the Russian influence of the neighborhood and all. But caviar should not come from Coney Island. Those are infected waters down there. It was like a lightning bolt struck me, I knew I had to do something. I don’t care how long it takes or how many gallons of gas are wasted or how many trees are chopped down, the caviar I eat will come from the Black Sea or even the Caspian. That’s the moment I became a faravore.”

Brooklyn Faravore will be holding their first rally at the Grand Army Plaza Greenmarket this Saturday, May 28th from 12-2PM. Supporters are encouraged to wear red. “Send It To Me!” and “Far For Me!” signs will be distributed.

NEW YORK – Solar cabs die during monster snowstorm!

New York’s TLC Commissioner David Yassky’s much heralded launch of solar cabs earlier this week met with an end as fiery as the sun meant to fuel the planned fleet.

The eco-friendly cab, piloted by its owner Vinay Roy, erupted into flames shortly after the morning snowy rush hour.  No one was hurt in the incident, including a Manhattan mother and her 15-year old son who were on route to a nearby private high school.

The cause of the fire is still under investigation.  Solar cab experts believe the fire was likely triggered as the vehicle’s electric engine was over burdened by the extreme weight of its solar absorption skin and the poor traction of the snow-covered road.

Mr. Roy was selected among 2,500 New York Taxi medallion owners for the honor of driving the world’s first solar cab. His four-minute music video, replete with a five person traditional Hindu band and one Bollywood-style dance routine, netted him the honor and the envy of fellow drivers at his Brooklyn garage.

The TLC’s solar cab program was launched in late March 2010 and marked a bold first phase in Yassky’s “New Deal” for NYC transport.  After 10 months of development, on 1/1/11 – a date revered for its unique binary uniformity
- the first solar was put into service.  But for a few overcast days when the solar system became depleted, “the cab has driven like an angel sent from the heavens,” commented Mr. Roy.

In response to his good fortune and the absence of any fuel costs, Mr. Roy has steadfastly refused all gratuities from his passengers, and generally takes the most direct routes to his passengers destinations.

But Mr. Roy’s 15 minutes of fame came crashing down as his beloved cab, means of livelihood and dreams for a future of clean air in his native country, went up in flames.  Adding insult to injury, his passengers refused to pay the fare as Mr. Roy was neither able to verify the fare amount nor provide a valid receipt.  While trying valiantly to access the burning console and
taxi meter to secure a receipt, a vile of cinnamon air freshener exploded violently on the dashboard.  The sound and barrage of flying brown clear plastic sent Mr. Roy’s passengers on hasty retreat down nearby side street.

They have not been identified.

Though the initial results from the solar cab trail have been disappointing, Commissioner Yassky is undaunted in his quest for a city full of solar cabs.

“I’ve learned from my career in politics, that you can’t let a minor setback hold you back from your dreams.”  To honor Mr. Yassky’s passion, the New York City Council is considering a bill to enshrine the burnt cab in a curtain of glass, right where it rests in the middle of Flatbush avenue.”

Speaker Christine Quinn, commented, what better message can we send to the world than to turn that lemon cab into a monument to lemonade?!”

Meanwhile, Mr. Roy has had to pick up the pieces of his life and seek employment as a Pedi-cab driver in midtown.   “I’d prefer to let the sun do the work, but all I’ve got now are my legs – so I will start there.”

NEW YORK – Zombies attacked New  York last night.  They came from Brooklyn!

Zombies came across the Brooklyn Bridge last night and terrorized residents of Manhattan!

They started in Chinatown.   They bit over 300 Chinese-Americans, Vietnamese-Americans, Korean-Americans – put their innards in some soup, stirred them up with some noodles, then they headed for some dessert in Little Italy.  They found some Italian-Americans and ate their brains with some tiramisu.

Here’s the leader of the Zombies:

They then made their way uptown and busted into the Waldorf-Astoria where there was a party going on for Hillary Clinton’s 63rd birthday.  The Secret Service ushered most of the dignitaries to safety, unfortunately the woman of honor wasn’t so lucky:

The Zombies then headed down to the Village to catch a few bands.  They ate a few alt-rock bands on Bleecker Street then went over and caught a Death Metal act on the Lower East Side.   The Death Metal act was actually happy to be bitten by the Zombies.  “We played much better after the bites,” said lead singer Chas Floyd

NYPD tried to stop the Zombies, but many of them got to close and were also bitten.  Mayor Bloomberg was up all night trying to control the Zombie outbreak.  He was distraught to learn that over 5,000 New Yorkers were bitten.  But he was happy to learn that many of the Zombies were on bikes and were taking advantage of the new bike lanes he has created over the last few  years.  “I was happy to see that the Zombies were not polluting the city with car fumes, when they were biting people.”

A number of Zombie Killers arrived in the city late last night.  There was a lot of gunfire on the streets as they used sawed-off shotguns to blow the zombies heads off.  Most New Yorkers didn’t even wake up.  “We’re used to loud noises and sirens, why get up,” said Lisa Zotkowski of Chelsea.

Even though most of the Zombies have been chased out of Manhattan and are heading to New Jersey,   many New Yorkers are still worried.

What do you do if you are attacked?   Just follow the advice in this video:

EL PASO – A UFO was spotted over El Paso last night.    The same UFO that was over New York last week!

Federal authorities have confirmed that a UFO was hovering over El Paso last night.  Authorities believe it is the same UFO that was over New York City last week.

WWN reported last week that the “mysterious lights” that were over New York City on October 14th belong to a UFO,  which was confirmed by the Defense Department.  “We don’t regularly release this information to the public,” said Defense Secretary Robert Gates who went on to say, “I do believe that the alien invasion is underway.  There is overwhelming evidence now.”

Here’s a comparison.  The picture on the left was taken of the UFO that hovered over New York last week.  The picture on the right was the UFO seen over El Paso last night.  You think it’s the same UFO?

Last night a number of witnesses in El Paso  area called local police stations and newsrooms to report the UFOs that mysteriously appeared in the sky over the southern state.

Many reported a light appearing, which split into three ‘orbs’, each with a tail behind it. A fourth light appeared briefly, before all the lights were suddenly extinguished.

“It was definitely a UFO.  I know an alien when I see one, ” said Toby Blake of El Paso.  “I knew something was going on because the cows ran for the barn.  They were scared.  And you know something, we was scared, too.  The whole damn town was scared!”

The lights, which were captured on video,  were reported to the Federal Aviation Administration.  The FAA confirmed that the lights belonged to an alien spaceship – though they later denied it.

“We thought we shot the UFO down over the Atlantic last week.”   said a Navy pilot.  The Navy confirmed the take down, but the UFO is back.   “It looks like the same UFO, but it may just be part of an Alien Spaceship Battalion,” said John Comito, Director of the FAA.

Here’s an incomplete  news report about the EL Paso UFO:

BROOKLYN, NY – Google Earth has found the entrance to Heaven, and it’s in Brooklyn.

Google Earth cameras accidentally caught a glimpse of what religion scholars believe to be the entrance to Heaven.  The gateway to Paradise is on 9th Street in Red Hook, just off the Gowanus Expressway and near the Ikea.

Residents of the area are reluctantly growing accustomed to having the entrance to Heaven in their neighborhood.  While the proximity to Heaven illicits a feeling of sublime joy, bodega owner Carlos Jimenez says “You get used to it.”  He continues “At first it was great, but that light shines right into my bedroom and it never goes away.  I gotta work in the morning man!”

No word yet if this is just another step in Brooklyn’s progressing gentrification.   Some locals are afraid that this will raise rents in the area and force them out of the neighborhood.    Vatican developers are in talks with the owners of Jimmy’s Garage on the corner of 9th and Clinton.

One anonymous woman said “I’m a Catholic.  I can’t take God to court, can I?”

NEW YORK, NY – A Brooklyn man has been arrested for dressing up as his dead mother to scam the government!

Thomas Prusik-Parkin spent six years impersonating his mother in an elaborate ruse to collect social security checks, rent subsidies and even file a lawsuit against himself. His mother, Irene Prusik, died in 2003, but Thomas gave the funeral home an incorrect Social Security number and birthdate so she would not be registered as deceased.

Thomas then began collecting her $700 a month checks from Social Security. Soon after, “Irene” filed bankruptcy, so Thomas could take in another $39,000 in city subsidies for rent on their apartment.

However, this is only the tip of the iceberg in his fraudulent behavior. Thomas went so far as to sue himself so as to keep his home! In 1996, Irene deeded their Brooklyn home to Thomas. Thomas took out a mortgage to pay for a start-up company that eventually failed. He stopped making mortgage payments, and the house was bought in 2003 by Samir Chopra.

In order to get the house back, Thomas posed as Irene and sued himself, alleging that Thomas forged the 1996 deed transfer. The house was given back to “Irene”, who took out an almost million-dollar mortgage, of which $300,000 in cash went to Thomas.

It was Samir Chopra, the true owner of the house, who tipped the cops off to Thomas’ scheme. Police soon discovered that Thomas had actually been dressing up as his mother and been chaperoned around town by a “nephew”, Mhilton Rimolo, in order to cash checks in Irene’s name and deal with property issues. Mhilton, a friend of Thomas’, has been arrested as well.

Not realizing the police were onto him, Thomas met with investigators over the property dispute, showing up as Irene “wearing a red cardigan, lipstick, manicured nails and breathing through an oxygen tank,” prosecutors said. Since his arrest, he has pleaded not guilty to grand larceny, criminal impersonation and other charges. Both men are being held on $1 million bail.

BROOKLYN, NY – The Beastie Boys held a secret show in their hometown, and a certain beastly boy was on hand to collaborate.

One of the longest-lived hip hop acts, the Beastie Boys originally started as a punk band but was shaped by famous producer Rick Rubin into a three-man rap crew. They found critical and financial success with hits “So What’cha Want”, “Sabotage” and “Intergalactic”, all of which they performed at their surprise concert at the Music Hall of Williamsburg last night.

During their final song, “Fight For Your Right”, Ad-Rock spotted the one and only Bat Boy head banging in the front row and pulled him on stage. His contribution mainly consisted of shrieking into the microphone, coincidentally harkening back to the band’s hardcore phase.

Bat Boy was so excited he offered them chocolate-covered mosquitoes after the show, but the Boys declined as Mike D. is now vegan.