BROOKLYN –  Faravores, followers of the latest food craze, demand distance for their delicacies.

Like locavores, faravores are people who pay attention to the origin of their food. They are committed to variety and eating food from as many faraway places as possible. They support what they consider “real” farmers.

Bob Gulvey, graphic designer and founder of Brooklyn Faravore, explained the motivation behind this quickly developing food trend.

“Real farmers are men in overalls with fields and pastures and tractors. This is where we want our food to come from. I don’t trust these locavore Brooklyn nuts with their hand-fed, backyard goats and their rooftop lettuces. It’s disgusting. It’s like breaking the ten-second rule on a New York City street and serving it up on a plate for $27.95.”

Gulvey continued, “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to eat a chicken you ordered online and had shipped to your little urban coop. And I definitely don’t want some nasty cock-fighting bird you bought off a guy underneath the Major Deegan. Faravore is about quality and selection. I support farmers who let their chickens run and roam. But they should do it in Iowa or Nebraska or somewhere with plenty of open space.”

When asked what brought him to organize, Gulvey did not hesitate.

“Coney Island Caviar, if you can believe it. I was at Met Foods on Fulton Street and they were giving away samples. Normally, I’m a big sample guy but you’ve got to be kidding me. I get the Russian influence of the neighborhood and all. But caviar should not come from Coney Island. Those are infected waters down there. It was like a lightning bolt struck me, I knew I had to do something. I don’t care how long it takes or how many gallons of gas are wasted or how many trees are chopped down, the caviar I eat will come from the Black Sea or even the Caspian. That’s the moment I became a faravore.”

Brooklyn Faravore will be holding their first rally at the Grand Army Plaza Greenmarket this Saturday, May 28th from 12-2PM. Supporters are encouraged to wear red. “Send It To Me!” and “Far For Me!” signs will be distributed.

BRONX, NY – A poisonous Egyptian cobra is on the loose in the Bronx!

A 3-feet long Cobra escape from the Bronx Zoo today!

Visitors ran screaming from the zoo, especially because the zoo officials new that the cobra had escaped before they had even entered the zoo.

The snake, dubbed Cobra-dini by zoo-goers, escaped from its enclosure at the Reptile House on Saturday night and hasn’t been seen since.

Rumors are that the snake is heading for Wall Street – to meet up with a bunch of friends.

“We are confident that we can find the  snake and bring him back to the Reptile House without having to fire any shots,” said Zoo director John Comito.  “When the snake gets hungry or thirsty, it will start to look for humans to bite. Once that happens, it will be our best opportunity to recover it.”

The brownish cobra, with a uniquely large, broad head, is among the most venomous reptiles on the planet — its poison can kill a person in fewer than 5 minutes.

Sylvia Cruz, of The Bronx, who was at the zoo with her 8-year-old daughter, Melissa, griped: “They aren’t doing a good job of alerting people about it. We went to the Reptile House and found out it was closed. It’s really scary and makes me want to leave the zoo before something bad happens.”

Several passengers of the 6 Train spotted the cobra and… kept their distance.   One passenger, Ginger Batacan, said she saw the cobra eat three rats.  “It was amazing, I wish we had more snakes in the subway.  I hate rats.”

If you see the cobra, do not approach… run!!!

NEW YORK, NY – Times are tough. The economy is tanking.  And some sports leagues, teams, and stadiums have imposed a ticket price freeze. Don’t kid yourself.  That trickles down to the athletes.  These guys aren’t making only small fortunes now.

So why are they not sharing in the federal bailout?   These guys are American too you know*.
*Except half the NHL is from Canada and Europe, and 30% of baseball is Latin**.
**Stop splitting hairs, you ‘America should look out for America only’ bigots.  Your hatred is ugly.

Did you know Stephon Marbury only makes 21.9MM??!!  That’s only $10.5 million after taxes, agent fees, posse maintenance, and excessive partying.  That $28,000 per diem has to sustain him for a whole 12 months!  That has to be his walkaround money for the year.  That’s unacceptable.

Instead of charities, public works, and infratstructure, can we please get our priorities right? The rumor out of the Bronx is that the New Yankee stadium nachos have only 2 kinds of cheese options, due to budgetary constraints.  Yeah, like having a 3rd grade art class is more important than that?

You ignore this countries greatest cross-section, you make them tighten their belt, and you watch how fast we become a 3rd world sports power.

How is a marginal athlete expected to finance his HGH habit?  How is a NFL’er expected to make it reign?  How is any NBA player expected to knock up groupies? If each of them does not have the proper capital to blow foolishly.

Come on, Congress. These guys are just like us (on roids), work almost as hard (for about half the year) as your typical factory worker, and have the same concerns as everyday Americans (who have won the lottery).  They board private jets just like the rest of us (would).

Stop ignoring their needs, and let us help them.  It’s the right thing to do.

BRONX, NY – Fatfoot is looking for a companion who can love all of him.

After months spent fighting an eating disorder, Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, feels comfortable enough with himself to try finding a mate.  As Sasquatches are a very rare species, particularly outside the American Northwest, he has taken to internet dating sites to speed the process.

Several weeks ago, Fatfoot was caught binge eating outside a Manhattan Dunkin’ Donuts.  Concerned wildlife experts sent him to The View to receive treatment.  The popular daytime talk show let Fatfoot express his feelings about growing up feeding out of New Jersey dumpsters and gave him a makeover.

With winter fast approaching, Sasquatches are drawn to prepare for hibernation.  And that means finding someone to hibernate with. Fatfoot has turned to the one place where love can happen before physical attraction.

He has created profiles on the most popular web sites: match.com, eHarmony and Chemistry.com. However, though headway is being made in the mainstream sites, there are still not many computer literate overweight Sasquatches registered.  Most are still using specialty sites like ChubbyYeti and BigBeautifulCryptids.com.

Sasquatches are a notoriously shy species so genuine success rates for the matching services are still comparably low, but primatologists from the Bronx Zoo are helping Fatfoot spice up his listings and facebook page.  His insistence on using the theme song to “Footloose” may be hampering his efforts.

Hopefully Fatfoot will soon find the missing link… to his heart.