PALO ALTO, CA – A new study out of Stanford University reveals that the British accent is no longer considered a positive trait for attracting  sexual partners.

In a comprehensive new research study conducted jointly by the Department of Linguistics and the Department of Psychology at Stanford University, three thousand American men and women ranging in age from 18 to 54 were monitored to detect sexual arousal after hearing different foreign accents.  The  study was named after Professor John Comito, who worked with Alfred Kinsey in his youth and is now a pioneer in sexual linguistics.

Each subject participating in The Comito Study was put in a mood-enhanced room (low-lighting, soft music), then they were played samples of native speakers reciting simple phrases in English (i.e. “would you like to have dinner?” you look beautiful,” “let’s stroll in the park,” etc.).  Subjects also heard several regional accents:  New York, New Jersey, Midwest, Southern, Texas, and California. Electrodes attached to the subject monitored sexual arousal.

The results of The Comito Study surprised researchers. Women and men have always been aroused by French and Italian accents, and women have always seemed to go “weak in the knees” over British accents. No more. While the romance languages account for the majority of accents that attract the opposite sex, the British accent is slowly losing its sex appeal.  “Women today seem unimpressed with the British accent.  They are more attracted to accents of the more hot-blooded countries – Spain, Brazil, Greece.”

Here are the results of The Comito Study.  The top 15 accents that caused sexual arousal in subjects:

FOR MEN

1. Italian
2. French
3. Spanish
4. Southern
5. Greek
6. Irish
7. Russian
8. Australian
9. Canadian
10. Chinese
11. Swedish
12. Jamaican
13. New Jersey
14. British
15. Dutch

FOR WOMEN

1. Italian
2. Spanish
3. French
4. Greek
5. Irish
6. Dutch
7. Swedish
8. South African
9. Australian
10. Russian
11. Canadian
12. Cuban
13. Southern
14. Hungarian
15. British

Men are slightly more attracted to the British accent than women, but that may be because TV producers regularly give the hot, female lead to British actresses. One researcher,  psychologist  Jacob Vizmans speculated that it may because American men are just growing tired of American women.  His female research partners strongly disagreed with his comments and had him fired from The Comito Study.

One of the Comito researchers, Dr. Linda Masterson said, “For decades British men have been coming to America with the idea that women will just drop their skirts when they hear their accent, and for decades it worked.  But now, American women are turned-off by the accent.”   One subject wrote this on their data form, “I used to like British accents because I used to think of Jude Law and James Bond, but now when I hear it all I think of is bad teeth and oil spills.  Ewww.”   Even though the study was conducted in May of this year, researchers with the Comito Project say that the BP oil spill did not affect the findings.

Dr.  Lisa  Masterson, who is married to a Jamaican set designer said, “The fact is that British accents have become… a bore.”

In general, subjects felt that if you had an accent your chances of having sex were better than if you didn’t.  That word spread quickly on campus and since the study was released, there appears to be a lot more men at the bar with Italian accents.  Hmmm….

The Comito Study is now expanding its research to Europe.  They want to see how effective an American accent is in creating sexual arousal in Europeans.  “It’s not going to be easy, Europeans don’t always respond to an American accent with arousal.”  We look forward to the results.

MILAN, ITALY – George Clooney announced today that he will be running for President of the United States in 2012.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, the former Governor of California, met with George Clooney in Santa Monica on Saturday and convinced Clooney to run for President in 2012.

That’s right:  George Clooney for President in 2012.

It’s true that Clooney is very close to the Obamas, but Clooney has not been happy with the way The Obama Administration (not Barack Obama himself) has been managing the country.  “George feels that he can put together a stronger team than Barack Obama and can get the country back on track, bring the citizens of this country together,” said Schwarzenegger.

It’s been a while since we had our last actor president, and, whatever liberals may think of Reagan, celebrity earns you extra points with the public and knowing how to deliver one’s lines is an asset in politics, so Clooney already has an advantage over any potential democratic challengers.

Clooney’s girlfriend (soon to be wife), sexy Italian TV Host Elisabetta Canalis would certainly be the perfect First Lady.    They certainly would be the sexiest President and First Lady in the history of the United States.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have come out strongly in support of Clooney’s decision.  “I think George will be a great President, a great leader of all the people in the United States.   I love Obama, but George would get the country back on track,”  Pitt told reporters.

Pitt said that Clooney has already asked him to be his Campaign Manager and Chief of Staff.   Pitt immediately accepted.

Clooney has one divorce in his background, but no scandal beyond clipping David O Russell round the ear on the set of Three Kings, which is the kind of thing that plays well in the Red states – much like shooting lawyers in the face.   His closet is clean.  Clooney might merely be expected to apologize for Revenge Of The Killer Tomatoes.

Politically, a Clooney presidency will probably strive to return sanity to the national debate. The American right has long smeared Clooney as just another loopy Hollywood liberal, but there’s no evidence that he’s anything but an old-fashioned American centrist.

What do you think?  Does Clooney have a chance to become President in 2012?

NEW YORK, NY – If it were up to Brad Pitt – BP would have to face some serious consequences!

When it comes to BP and the Gulf Oil Spill, Brad Pitt is direct and to the point. If he was in power, those responsible for the oil spill would have more than cleanup efforts to worry about. Pitt has said that the death penalty would be a viable option if it were up to him.

The “Ocean’s Eleven” actor said he usually opposed capital punishment but would make an exception if he could. Lucky for BP executives that Pitt is not in a seat of power.

Pitt’s harsh words for BP are found in Spike Lee’s new documentary about New Orleans – “If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don’t Rise.”

“I was never for the death penalty before – I am willing to look at it again,” the 46-year-old said when asked about the situation.

The superstar actor has been heavily involved in rebuilding part of New Orleans, with the Make It Right project to build 150 affordable and sustainable homes there.

The documentary was originally intended to end on a high note – with the New Orleans Saints winning the Superbowl. However, when the Deepwater Horizon oil rig exploded in April, Lee felt compelled to include it in his documentary.

“This would have been a much more upbeat documentary for sure,” Lee said.

NEW YORK, NY – Don’t believe us? Go ahead and search for her – we dare you!

Cameron Diaz may be hot, sultry and stunning – but her killer looks could be fatal for your computer. Don’t let her playful giggles and innocent appearance fool you because Diaz has become the most dangerous celebrity on the Internet.

Diaz, 37, has catapulted to the top of the “most dangerous celebrities to search for online” list. She beat out second-placed Julia Roberts, according to security company McAfee, Inc. Last year’s most dangerous Web celebrity, Jessica Biel, fell to third.

One in ten websites featuring the “Knight and Day” star contain malicious software intended to infect computers and steal data from users, according to research released on Thursday by McAfee. Creators of malicious software use celebrities as lures, baiting fans and followers to click and download seemingly innocuous content containing programs designed to steal passwords and other private information for profit, said Dave MArcus, director of security research at McAfee labs.

“They know that people want to have screensavers of popular individuals. They follow hot topics on the Web and create their poisonous content accordingly,” Marcus said.

“This relates to a larger trend of using social engineering lures. A lot of times a cyber criminal will mine Twitter, or follow Google Trends, to poison those links. It’s very clear they will use news trends to lure,” he added.

Think twice next time you click on anything Cameron Diaz – it just might spell the end of your computer/personal data.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Rumors are circulating about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt nearly splitting up.  The argument stemmed from Jolie wanting to adopt Bat Boy!

News broke over the weekend that Brad and Angeline nearly broke up.  Unconfirmed sources were reported in a British paper saying that the two nearly split due to a massive argument.  Most experts believed the argument revolved around Pitt’s new beard.  However Weekly World News reporters have discovered the real cause of their argument: Bat Boy!

Back in 2008, Angelina Jolie attempted to adopt America’s Favorite Mutant.  However Bat Boy broke free and escaped, scratching Pitt’s face in the process.  Thankfully for Pitt his face has a $3 million insurance policy, which adequately covered the cost of a band aid.  Despite her initial failed attempt, Angelina wanted to try again to adopt the precocious mutant.

An anonymous source who works at the Brangelina household says that Angelina confronted Brad after hearing a news report about Bat Boy being sighted at a local mall.  Pitt vehemently refused, fearing such an action might endanger his precious face.  They began a fight which lasted for two days and nearly dissolved their marriage.  Even their many children who can’t speak English could tell this was serious.

The two finally reconciled, agreeing that Angelina could adopt an entire Haitian village and Brad could grow his beard another inch and a half.  Petit Port-a-Michele in northern Haiti will now be known as Petit Port-a-Angelina in exchange for a sizable donation made by Jolie.  Also all residents of the town can now list Angelina Jolie as their legal guardian.

Bat Boy, thankfully, was unharmed by the entire ordeal.  In fact he had heard nothing of it until reporters tried to reach him for comment.  In response he simply offered to share some mosquitoes he had been eating.

The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals!  I, the great and terrible Poseidon, can supply you with boundless alternative energy. Cleaner than clean coal.  Less wasteful than nuclear waste.  And with more career peaks than oil and Sylvester Stallone put together.

I offer you the limitless, otherworldly power of an ancient celestial god.  I offer you myself.

Another comeback lies before me, mortals, but only if you come back to me.  Audiences may be fickle, but the glory of we Immortal Ones remains.  And like I keep telling my agent, we just need to give the people a reason.

You are beginning to sense that the manipulation of your planet’s resources through traditional scientific means will not bring you the favor or the riches you seek.  The truth you all choose to forget is that we great Olympian gods are the real guardians of fortune.  And fortune cannot be taken by force: siphoned out of the bowels of the earth or captured from the sun’s rays or milled out of the very wind itself.  It must be given to you—by me.  And I’m not giving it up without a little respect.

You would not ask Brad Pitt to perform in films without the adoring attention of his fans.  You would not expect Britney Spears to sing without recording the minutiae of her life for all to see.  And you should not expect this great deity to provide you with a renewable energy source without affirming your devotion.

So pursue the blind alleys of witchcraft and sorcery you call science, if you so choose.  Ignore, if you will, the great passions and intricate scheming of gods that determine your earthly fate.  Pretend that you are not subject to my ever-changing moods, that it is not my anger that clouds the skies, my fury that propels the winds, and my tears that rain down upon the earth when I look back upon the glory days of old.

Foolish mortals!  Your quest for cold fusion will be met only with the cold fury of the gods if the flame of my fame is allowed to go out.

Worship me, and you shall be energized!

WASHINGTON, DC – Nancy Pelosi Made It oh so Right with Brad Pitt yesterday when she tried to steal him from Angelina Jolie!

The actor was in town to meet with Pelosi and Rep. James Clyburn about the future efforts in New Orleans. Pitt founded the organization “Make It Right” to build environmentally-sustainable housing for those who lost their homes in Hurricane Katrina.

Tongues are wagging over how “welcoming” and “overfriendly” Pelosi was with Pitt, which is fairly evident in the clip below of their shared press conference.

After the conference, it is rumored Pelosi treated Pitt to a “private” tour of the United States Capitol building, which included the Illuminati Lounge, the secret Ben Franklin Erotica Collection and her own chambers, where she had “accidentally” left some of her lingerie out. Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the Night” was heard blasting from the room as the door closed behind them.

After Pitt missed his scheduled meeting with President Obama, Angelina Jolie stormed into the building to retrieve her man. She burst into Pelosi’s chambers to find the two sitting closely in a settee, giggling while discussing Pelosi’s Honest Leadership and Open Government Act.

Weekly World News can confirm that Pelosi received a large bouqet of flowers today from a “Ms. Jen A.”, and Pitt has been implanted with a GPS tracking unit by Jolie.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – In an attempt to further diversify her brood, Angelina Jolie has made a bold choice.

Jolie recently stated on the Today Show, “I want to create a rainbow family. That’s children of different religions and cultures, from different countries. And Bat Boy is the perfect example of that.”

Jolie took a moment to dab her welling eyes and then continued, “I have saved all of my children from loneliness and neglect in those orphanages. Bat Boy is out all on his own. It is my duty to be photographed while rescuing him and give him a better life in front of millions of people.”

According to eye witnesses, Jolie used mosquitoes as bait to lure and trap him. With Brad Pitt’s assistance, she dragged him kicking and screaming to the local courthouse to have the adoption finalized.

But Bat Boy had other plans. He nipped Pitt on the cheek, who dropped him and began screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”. Our young hero took off out the back door and has not been seen since.

Jolie and Pitt are now in the process of adopting a Tibetan yeti to supplement Jolie’s new interest in Buddhism.