LOS ANGELES, CA – Rumors are circulating about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt nearly splitting up.  The argument stemmed from Jolie wanting to adopt Bat Boy!

News broke over the weekend that Brad and Angeline nearly broke up.  Unconfirmed sources were reported in a British paper saying that the two nearly split due to a massive argument.  Most experts believed the argument revolved around Pitt’s new beard.  However Weekly World News reporters have discovered the real cause of their argument: Bat Boy!

Back in 2008, Angelina Jolie attempted to adopt America’s Favorite Mutant.  However Bat Boy broke free and escaped, scratching Pitt’s face in the process.  Thankfully for Pitt his face has a $3 million insurance policy, which adequately covered the cost of a band aid.  Despite her initial failed attempt, Angelina wanted to try again to adopt the precocious mutant.

An anonymous source who works at the Brangelina household says that Angelina confronted Brad after hearing a news report about Bat Boy being sighted at a local mall.  Pitt vehemently refused, fearing such an action might endanger his precious face.  They began a fight which lasted for two days and nearly dissolved their marriage.  Even their many children who can’t speak English could tell this was serious.

The two finally reconciled, agreeing that Angelina could adopt an entire Haitian village and Brad could grow his beard another inch and a half.  Petit Port-a-Michele in northern Haiti will now be known as Petit Port-a-Angelina in exchange for a sizable donation made by Jolie.  Also all residents of the town can now list Angelina Jolie as their legal guardian.

Bat Boy, thankfully, was unharmed by the entire ordeal.  In fact he had heard nothing of it until reporters tried to reach him for comment.  In response he simply offered to share some mosquitoes he had been eating.

The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals!  I, the great and terrible Poseidon, can supply you with boundless alternative energy. Cleaner than clean coal.  Less wasteful than nuclear waste.  And with more career peaks than oil and Sylvester Stallone put together.

I offer you the limitless, otherworldly power of an ancient celestial god.  I offer you myself.

Another comeback lies before me, mortals, but only if you come back to me.  Audiences may be fickle, but the glory of we Immortal Ones remains.  And like I keep telling my agent, we just need to give the people a reason.

You are beginning to sense that the manipulation of your planet’s resources through traditional scientific means will not bring you the favor or the riches you seek.  The truth you all choose to forget is that we great Olympian gods are the real guardians of fortune.  And fortune cannot be taken by force: siphoned out of the bowels of the earth or captured from the sun’s rays or milled out of the very wind itself.  It must be given to you—by me.  And I’m not giving it up without a little respect.

You would not ask Brad Pitt to perform in films without the adoring attention of his fans.  You would not expect Britney Spears to sing without recording the minutiae of her life for all to see.  And you should not expect this great deity to provide you with a renewable energy source without affirming your devotion.

So pursue the blind alleys of witchcraft and sorcery you call science, if you so choose.  Ignore, if you will, the great passions and intricate scheming of gods that determine your earthly fate.  Pretend that you are not subject to my ever-changing moods, that it is not my anger that clouds the skies, my fury that propels the winds, and my tears that rain down upon the earth when I look back upon the glory days of old.

Foolish mortals!  Your quest for cold fusion will be met only with the cold fury of the gods if the flame of my fame is allowed to go out.

Worship me, and you shall be energized!

WASHINGTON, DC – Nancy Pelosi Made It oh so Right with Brad Pitt yesterday when she tried to steal him from Angelina Jolie!

The actor was in town to meet with Pelosi and Rep. James Clyburn about the future efforts in New Orleans. Pitt founded the organization “Make It Right” to build environmentally-sustainable housing for those who lost their homes in Hurricane Katrina.

Tongues are wagging over how “welcoming” and “overfriendly” Pelosi was with Pitt, which is fairly evident in the clip below of their shared press conference.

After the conference, it is rumored Pelosi treated Pitt to a “private” tour of the United States Capitol building, which included the Illuminati Lounge, the secret Ben Franklin Erotica Collection and her own chambers, where she had “accidentally” left some of her lingerie out. Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the Night” was heard blasting from the room as the door closed behind them.

After Pitt missed his scheduled meeting with President Obama, Angelina Jolie stormed into the building to retrieve her man. She burst into Pelosi’s chambers to find the two sitting closely in a settee, giggling while discussing Pelosi’s Honest Leadership and Open Government Act.

Weekly World News can confirm that Pelosi received a large bouqet of flowers today from a “Ms. Jen A.”, and Pitt has been implanted with a GPS tracking unit by Jolie.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – In an attempt to further diversify her brood, Angelina Jolie has made a bold choice.

Jolie recently stated on the Today Show, “I want to create a rainbow family. That’s children of different religions and cultures, from different countries. And Bat Boy is the perfect example of that.”

Jolie took a moment to dab her welling eyes and then continued, “I have saved all of my children from loneliness and neglect in those orphanages. Bat Boy is out all on his own. It is my duty to be photographed while rescuing him and give him a better life in front of millions of people.”

According to eye witnesses, Jolie used mosquitoes as bait to lure and trap him. With Brad Pitt’s assistance, she dragged him kicking and screaming to the local courthouse to have the adoption finalized.

But Bat Boy had other plans. He nipped Pitt on the cheek, who dropped him and began screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”. Our young hero took off out the back door and has not been seen since.

Jolie and Pitt are now in the process of adopting a Tibetan yeti to supplement Jolie’s new interest in Buddhism.