BOSTON – The same UFO that was seen over Virginia two days ago was seen over Boston last night!

People all across Boston were shocked to see a Blue UFO in the sky last night.  It first appeared at 1:30 a.m., and was sighted off-and-on for the next two hours.  The UFO seemed to change in size, but the circular shape remained the same

The same exact UFO was spotted over Centerville, Virginia on Monday.  Local authorities dismissed the sighting (as they always do) and said that there was a logical explanation for it – though they did not offer one.

They were quick to say that they do not think it is the same UFO that was spotted in Virginia, but UFO experts are convinced that this is part of a larger alien battalion of UFOs.

The Defense Department and Homeland Security confirmed to WWN that the UFO was spotted over Boston, but declined to make any further comments.  UFO experts are Harvard aren’t holding back, “That was definitely a UFO.  We think it is part of the alien invasion that has been predicted to take place in 2010 and 2011.  We must all prepare,” said Professor David Collins a Harvard astrophysicist.

“I woke my whole family up,” said Paul Costello of South Boston.  “I couldn’t believe me eyes, but it was there.  My children my scared, especially because they heard a high-pitched sound.  I didn’t hear it, but… we are scared to death.”

Costello said that though they were frightened for a couple of hours, he thought that the alien spaceship looked beautiful.  “We couldn’t take our eyes off it.

In the last month there have been UFOs spotted in New York, El Paso, Virginia, Boston, Sante Fe and Chicago.  Is there an explanation for the increased number of sightings?  Is something under way that we don’t know about?  Where will the next UFO be seen?

The mainstream media is not reporting most of these sightings and the government, once again, is covering up.  But WWN is on it.  We will keep you updated.

BOSTON, MA – Bat Boy has been spotted lurking around MIT! Is he there to see his musical?

After being off the radar for some time, Bat Boy surfaced today on MIT’s Boston campus. The world’s most adorable mutant was seen hiding behind trees, watching a freshman game of frisbee golf, before scurrying up onto the Great Dome.

What is Bat Boy doing so far from his West Virginia caves? Although he is a fairly modest mutant, students believe he may be there to watch the school’s production of Bat Boy: The Musical, an homage to his life.

Are you in the Boston area and want to show your love for Bat Boy? Come on down to MIT’s Kresge Little Theatre and maybe you’ll see our favorite mutant shedding a tear.

BOSTON, MA  -  Bat Boy is outraged over the postponement of the Red Sox home opener.Bat Boy was scheduled to attend his first baseball game at Fenway Park this evening. However, officials have cancelled the game due to heavy rain. Dressed and ready to go in his newly purchased fan gear, Bat Boy was very disappointed when he showed up at the stadium unaware of the game change.

After arriving at Fenway Park, Bat Boy decided to join other outraged fans who had decided to camp out overnight and wait for the highly anticipated home opener. The game against the Tampa Rays was rescheduled for Tuesday afternoon.

Bat Boy and his new friends strolled over to Who’s On First to meet up with other loyal Sox fans.
Italian Sausages and lemonade were the items of choice for Bat Boy while others consumed multiple PBR’s.  I can only imagine – a few PBRs and the night will be flooded with tunes of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”.

Nothing like some Sox spirit for Bat Boy’s first game debut.

BOSTON, MA – Starting tomorrow, the malicious computer worm Conficker.c will turn computers into zombies. Will one of them be yours?

Conficker.c is an aggressive program transmitted through use of the internet, which is thought to have infected 5-10 million computers. While it is unclear what the program plans to do on April 1, it will essentially take control of every infected machine to do its bidding.

How can you tell if your computer is infected? Check for these signs:

• Rusty, foul smell
• Tower is cold to the touch, no matter how long your computer has been running
• Hard drive continually makes a low, moaning sound
• Screen begins to yellow and go out-of-focus
• A Google search page for “BBBBRRRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS!!!” keeps popping up

If your computer has two or more of these symptoms, it is probably infected! So what do you do?

Greg Marin, Director of Paranormal Technology Studies at MIT, said, “Go directly to Microsoft.com and download their Emergency Patch. The software will attempt to clean out the infection and restore the computer to its original state. However, most machines are too far-gone at this point and will need other intervention.”

Professor Marin suggested that first, you take the computer to whatever place of worship you attend, so that it can be placed on holy ground. Then, empty out a Windex bottle and fill it with blessed water. Open the back of your tower and spray the insides until it is thoroughly coated. Wait until it has fully dried before plugging the tower back in.

Finally, detach the monitor, take it outside and smash it apart with a baseball bat, tire wrench, or whatever blunt object you may have lying around. Wait seven days and then buy a new monitor. Your PC should be in the clear!

When asked what laptop owners should do, Professor Marin merely shook his head. “I’m afraid all is lost,” he whispered.

BOSTON, MA – A local citizen decided to spice up Pepsi’s new ad campaign banners in Boston’s South Station with Bat Boy.

It was revealed in late 2008 that Pepsi would be redesigning its logo for most of its products in early 2009. The old logo was turned sideways, and has appeared in major campaigns across numerous American cities.

In order to help the campaign, a concerned citizen decided to help out by adding the face of the one and only Bat Boy!

The culprit agreed to speak to Weekly World News, but only on condition of anonymity, for fear of being charged with defacement of property. “I just wanted to brighten people’s day, you know? I kept seeing these ads around that said HOPE, and I just thought, who’s the face of hope? Who’s the face of justice? It seemed so obvious.”

Weekly World News cannot legally encourage readers to replicate this good citizen’s idea, but we do advise you to think that it is awesome.

BOSTON, MA – After striking out at the plate in Game 7 of the ALCS, slumping slugger David Ortiz finally scored off-the-field with Cynthia, the estranged wife of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez.

Ortiz hightailed it out of Tampa Bay last night to enjoy a morning stroll in Boston Commons with C-Rod earlier today.

Alex Rodriguez, rumored to be conducting his own off-hours activities, could not be reached for comment.

BROOKLYN, NY – Using the popular website Craigslist, the Devil has started trading human souls for basic goods and services.

“This is so much easier,” said the Devil. “No haggling, no violin lessons, I don’t even have to leave my living room.”

Items the Devil has traded for souls include: an old couch, workout equipment, a slightly used bean bag chair, a Corona Light foosball table, tickets to a Nine Inch Nails concert, an advanced copy of SPORE, and a microwave.

To obtain your immortal soul the Prince of Darkness will even do menial labor. So far he has done gardening work, helped people move, and gave one man a ride to Boston.

“That was kind of annoying, ‘cause we had to make small talk for a couple hours. I probably won’t be doing that again.”

New Holland, PA – The Amish have begun using zombies for manual labor. Despite their reputation for resisting change and a simple life, the Amish are quickly replacing horses and other beasts of burden with the walking dead in many rural communities.

A recent outbreak in nearby Philadelphia brought scores of zombies to Pennsylvania’s idyllic “Amish Country.” Quilt shops and covered bridges from Lancaster to Brandywine were littered with animated corpses. But in tragedy, Jebediah Rosmarin saw an opportunity.

“The town was filled with zombies, and the Jenkins needed their barn raised. Seemed like the natural thing to do.” Rosmarin organized members of his community to corral and tie up the slow moving creatures. Then a volunteer acted as “bait” to lure the lumbering undead in a particular direction, and a barn was raised in record time.

Given their long lifespan and limited food requirements, zombies have become an ideal pack animal for a slow economy. Now covered buggies pulled by zombies can be seen slowly hobbling throughout Lancaster County.

When asked if it is ever awkward to see former friends and loved ones as living-dead pack animals, Rev. Kurtzweill responded “We know they would forgive us for denying them peace, and we forgive them for trying to eat us. In the end the work gets done and that’s what’s most important.”

Now other cities are considering the green alternative of zombie energy. Boston’s Transit Authority has begun work on zombie rickshaws and New York hopes to have zombie-pulled carriage rides through Central Park available by Christmas.

BOSTON, Mass. — Last month, following a lovely dinner at Japaneteria, David and Jane Bennett were celebrating their honeymoon in the middle of Weller Lagoon when David’s amorous advances became a little more than the boat could handle.

“It was a moonlit night and I was feeling very ‘in the moment,’” said David. “I grabbed Jane and moved in to kiss her. She became startled and recoiled, tipping the boat and sending us both into the water.”

If Weller Lagoon had been an ordinary pond, the couple’s unscheduled swim might have been amusing. “But it was a goldfish pond,” said David with a shudder. “There were thousands of them, which is why we chose it.” It took five minutes for the Bennetts to extricate themselves from the water.

“During that time we were enveloped in goldfish,” said David. “They got in my shirt, my shoes and my pants. In the light of the full moon, I glimpsed their soulless, little eyes rushing past me, felt their puckered lips sucking on my skin. On top of that, Jane was screaming something about drowning. It was horrible for me.”

David later found out that it was worse for his wife. “I had my eyes tightly shut but I felt their slimy, fast-moving bodies squirming all around me,” said Jane. “While I was shrieking one goldfish swam into my mouth. I swallowed it. I think I’ll always feel it wriggling down my throat like — well, like a goldfish.”

After pulling themselves from the pond, David and Jane stumbled to the boathouse where they collapsed from fatigue and shock. “We’ve been in intense therapy since the incident,” said David. “We’ll obviously be avoiding ponds, boats, parks, pools and even baths.

“And, of course, it’ll be a while before we have sushi again.”