I’m madder than a goose sucked into a jet engine! So the White House had the great idea to take pictures of the President’s plane flying over New York. Nothing like the sight of a big jet buzzing Ground Zero to make you feel safe and secure!

It’s all part of Obama’s stimulus package: think of all the money New Yorkers spent on kleenex and booze the other day!

Is Obama the President or a movie director? Over his next 100 days, he’ll celebrate by blowing up the Goodyear blimp over New Jersey, then getting a giant monkey to climb the Empire State building. How’s about a spaceship crashing into the Washington Monument? Just think what they could do at Pearl Harbor!

That Mayor of New York was really mad, but that’s just cuz he heard the pilot was smoking.

What’s really scary is how dumb this makes the people in charge look. And you want them running your health care? Will they try to cure your cancer by jumping out of your closet and yelling “Boo”?

The government gives fancy food and free Muslim bibles to the guys in Gitmo, but the people they tried to kill get to be scared, unpaid extras in Obama’s personal action movie. Doesn’t that qualify as torture?

I guess the Teleprompter Kid was jealous when ordinary folks decided to reenact the Boston Tea Party and didn’t invite him.

I’ve got an idea for the next historical reenactment and photo op. He could make like Nixon and “resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow”!

My fellow Americans, today is a great day! All over the country, folks like you and me will be getting together at Tea Party protests.

Now normally, old Ed here doesn’t go in for protests with funny signs and yelling. I leave that to the dirty hippies who wrecked our country. And unlike dirty hippies, you and I have jobs we’re supposed to be at.

But today is different.

While the Communist-in-Chief is busy feeding gourmet pizza to his new dog, and growing marijuana for his unicorn in the Rose Garden, the rest of us are getting madder every day.

America is turning into Cuba except with slightly better cars and lousier weather! The Teleprompter Kid wants to steal our guns, put Rush Limbaugh in prison, make us use those funny looking light bulbs that cause pollution when they break — and he’s gonna charge us for the privilege!

Monday was Tax Freedom Day. That means that every dime you made working, since January 1, has gone to pay your taxes. And those taxes are due today. Taxes that pay for a bunch of politicians’ fancy airplanes and big houses and crappy hairpieces!

Taxes that pay for terrorists’ lawyers, and operations for drunk driving illegal aliens, and condoms in schools, and “farmers” who live in downtown New York.

So find out where your fellow patriots are meeting today, pack a tea bag, bring a flag, and remind the Teleprompter Kid and his cronies: we pay their salaries, and we don’t like the job they’re doing!

Remember: mobs of ticked off people refusing to pay their taxes were what got America started!

CHICAGO, IL – As tax day approaches, protest “tea parties” rev up to high gear in preparation for nation-wide movements by sending out recipes for a successful tea party.

National event coordinator for the Tea Party movement Suzie Howard sent an email blast this weekend to supporters.

“While there is no right way to stage a tea party protest, there are many things you can do to ensure a successful event,” Kramer said.  “You can’t do this alone and you must be organized.  You may want to think about holding an organizational planning meeting with other people.”

With the number of interested people growing into the dozens nationwide, Kramer decided to take a more active role in helping smaller Tea Parties with the necessary tools for staging the protest.

“I have received at least two e-mails from supporters asking for an official Tea Party recipe to make sure their event is up to the standards of the national movement.  And as I said earlier, there is no one recipe we are endorsing, as each Tea Party should be brewed to the tastes of the local constituency, I will share the recipe being used for the National Event in  Sacramento, California.”

Obtained from an anonymous source on the groups email list, the Tea Party recipe shared by Kramer with supporters is printed below in its unedited entirety.

1 fat guy with a megaphone
11 frothing-at-the-mouth fiscal conservatives
14 vaguely colonial costumes, powdered wigs encouraged, but not required
3 out-of-place black guys
7 confused elderly women
6 misspelled signs
1 self-loathing homosexual
23 textbooks featuring evolution, the New Deal or the moon landing (to be used as kindling)
1 effigy of FDR
1 vague message about fiscal responsibility muddled by decries of Socialism in government

Choose one of the following, but be careful to not combine more than two:
6 Asians (preferably female, or if male, over 40)
No more than 4 Jews (none over the age of 45, the kvetching sours the tea)
1 Latino man, over the age of 30, preferably resembling Jaime Escalante
7 minority babies in Baby Bjorns or 3-wheeled strollers

Oversized tea bags w/dollar signs printed on the side
Up to 1 trillion dollars in small bills to fill the tea bags
As many tea pots or large cauldrons as needed to serve protesters, spectators and the press

Mix all the ingredients in the tea bags, set fire to the text books to bring water to boil, steep the mixture in the water for 8 years or until the Republican party takes control of the House and/or Senate.

MOBILE, AL – On April 15th, patriots will meet all over this nation to celebrate Tax Day by staging massive tea parties.  The tea of choice on the menu – money!

Following in the conservative footprints of New American Tea founder, Rick Santelli, many Americans have decided to signal their displeasure with government spending, specifically the bailouts of selfish, ignorant home mortgage holders, by refusing to pay the government any taxes they owe on their 2008 returns.

Rather, they will steep that money for 1-3 minutes, depending on taste, and drink it down, savoring its patriotic flavor.

Speaking to a group of supporters, Santelli said, “Americans are finally waking up!  They can see with their own eyes what our government is trying to do with our tax money!  We can’t be fooled by the news networks who are in the pocket of the Obama Administration.  I don’t care that they say the Dow is up every day for the last week.”

“Where are my Dow points?  Huh?!  Can I buy another car with Dow points?  Can I pay rent on my Madison Avenue Condo with Dow points?!  NO!”

“But I can with my tax dollars!  Which is exactly why I, like tens of other patriots around this great nation, will refuse to pay any more taxes for 2008!  We are going to drink it instead!  Americans know how to use and spend their money better than the government.  This is proof positive of that!”

Protests are scheduled for Mobile, Alabama, Palm Beach, Florida, and Cleveland, Ohio, among one or two other locations.

However, the Palm Beach event has not been confirmed yet because organizers have not been able to raise the 500 dollars necessary to acquire a permit.

“All the money available for the event has already been tied up in the tea,” Ralph King, event organizer told reporters.

“Its literally tied up.  We bought cheese cloth and twine and put our money inside.  Steve from Steve’s Hardware on Main Street tied them off.  And anyone who knows Steve, knows that guy can sure tie a knot.”

Check out the swinging anthem protesters will be singing come April 15th:

BOSTON, MA – Rick Santelli plans to throw the world’s most expensive Tea Party to protest of the Stimulus Plan, serving hundred dollar bills steeped in hot water!

Santelli is an arch-conservative CNBC reporter, who has received a lot of media coverage over the last week for an on-air rant decrying government spending and waste embodied, he says, by the passing of the recent stimulus bill.

His new organization, The New American Tea Party, acting like an umbrella organization encompassing several fiscally conservative political watch and advocacy groups, aims at undermining the stimulus by preventing the funds from reaching their assigned targets.

“There is so much pork in this bill it would give the healthiest man a heart attack!”  Santelli bellowed on CNBC.  “Millions here for the arts.  Millions there for roads.  What’s a couple hundred million for unemployment benefits?!  Sure, why not?  Lets encourage people not to get jobs.  Let’s just give them more taxpayer money to not work and not pay taxes which would go to someone else who is not working!”

“It’s lunacy!”

Santelli’s organization is working closely with conservative lawmakers, specifically governors and state legislators who will most directly receive stimulus funds.

“We’ve already had somewhere in the ballpark of 50 million dollars of stimulus money pledged by local lawmakers for use in the tea party,” Santelli says in a blog posting on the groups website.

“Rather than that money going to these ridiculous and wasteful pet projects, we are going to proverbally put it our pipes and smoke it!  But rather than smoking it, we’ll be drinking it.  In our tea.  Literally.”

Inspired by the Boston Tea Party, which famously threw crates of tea into the Boston Harbor rather than have it sold for inflated prices and with outlandish taxes, the New American Tea Party will in fact steep hundreds of hundred dollar bills in near-boiling water.

“I’m going to drink it down and urinate it out!  I plan to show that the stimulus money will be as effective at stimulating the economy as my urine will be to stimulate my lawn.  Which is un-stimulating!  It will kill my lawn!  And the stimulus will kill the economy!”

UPDATE: The Tea Party organization has released a suggested recipe for upcoming parties. Click here to read!

I’m madder than Larry Craig with a broken leg about the latest environmental craziness!

Everybody knows Australians are crazy. They’re the spawn of criminals who got kicked out of England with their hooker girlfriends and had to go live with God’s weirdest animals on a desert island. No wonder they drink so much.

I guess all that beer is causing a big problem: toilet flushing.

The Australian government, which I didn’t even know they had, is now charging folks a tax every time they flush the toilet!

Never mind the Boston Tea Party – if the British tried that on us red, white and blue-blooded Americans, the you-know-what would’ve hit the fan! Ben Franklin and Paul Revere would’ve strung toilet paper all over the city. A man’s latrine is his castle – why do you think they call the toilet the “throne”?

These greenies say water is scarce, but the whole world is covered in it, and it falls from the sky for free. Hell, the Aussies are plum surrounded by the wet stuff. They also say toilet paper’s made of trees, and you know how these hippies feel about trees. But doesn’t that just make toilet paper “natural”? Would they rather we made it out of plastic? I just don’t get it.

I’m pretty sure a country whose water goes down the drain backwards has no business in my crapper, and is probably Communist.

Give our restrooms a rest and stay out of my outhouse, you crazy dirty panda-loving hippies! You’ll have to pry my privy chain out of my cold dead hands!

PORTLAND, OR – After a 1,900% tax hike was proposed to help the state budget, Oregon residents have protested by dumping beer into the Portland harbor.

The state of Oregon is currently facing  a budget deficit, much like many states during the recession. The lawmakers proposing the hefty tax hike state the extra money will go towards prevention, treatment and recovery programs for those addicted to alcohol and other substances.

But consumers and local beer brewers are rallying against the tax hike, both to save microbrewers and to keep pint prices down. David Mulligan, owner of Portland Porthouse, said, “All of that hike is going to go right to the consumer. We’re a small, family brewery, we can’t cut corners here. I don’t think those lawmakers have a clue what kind of riot they’ll have on their hands if a pint goes up to $6.”

Despite their peaceful, laid-back reputation, some residents have pre-emptively shown their anger by sneaking onto boats in the harbor and throwing cases of beer into the water. Jim Snyder, a local investment banker, agreed to speak to Weekly World News about the protest. “We are just following the old American tradition of opposing unfair taxation!”

When asked if they were using beer stolen from the ship ala the Boston Tea Party, Snyder looked confused and responded, “Well, uh, no, we bought it at a local grocery store  and Bob’s wife over there brought it in her mini-van.” A middle-aged woman in a lawn-chair waved happily from the dock.

The five men onboard explained that they will continue dumping the beer in the harbor until the tax hike is struck down, or the police politely ask them to leave.

I’m madder than a double-entry bookkeeper with a single-entry wife about all this Tom Daschle craziness!

The guy resigned his big new job with Obama before it even started, all because he didn’t pay some taxes.

First off, someone gave Daschle a gift subscription to ‘Car & Driver’. So what? Who’d think to put that on their taxes?

More importantly, not paying taxes is as American as motherhood, apple pie and wearing pink sweatpants in public.

Why, our great nation was founded by men who didn’t pay their taxes. John Hancock didn’t just take up half a page signing his name. When a British big shot came on Hancock’s ship to collect taxes on his cargo of booze, Hancock locked the guy up in an empty cabin to avoid paying up.

Between Daschle, that Geithner fellow, Killefer and all the others, the Communist-in-Chief’s Cabinet are practically the signers of the Declaration of Independence! Who’d have thought the only one who wasn’t a crook would be Mrs. Hillary?

The big traitor in the White House these days is Biden. That crazy Hair Club Vice President says paying taxes is patriotic. That just proves his plugs have put down roots in his brain.

My fellow red, white and blue Americans, this is our chance to finally reenact the great Boston Tea Party! When April rolls around, everybody fill in their tax form the Democrat way: under ‘Occupation’, just write ‘Obama Cabinet Guy’, then put zeros everywhere else. When the IRS shows up, lock them in your laundry room.

They waste all our money on cucumber condoms in kindergarten anyway. Heck, I’m getting myself a tri-corn hat right now! Join the rebellion or your name is ‘Benedict Arnold Rosenberg’!

I’m madder than a schoolteacher with a rotten apple over the big hubbub about kids cheating in school. A government study that just came out says 70 percent – seven of 10 – high school students fessed up that they cheat on tests. And crybaby teachers say the real figure is probably much higher than 70 percent – and climbing every day. Thank heavens, I say!

It’s about time we got back to what made America great. Ever since President Nixon got caught telling some fibs back in the 1970s, Americans have been all tied up in knots trying to tell the truth all the time and never cheating or lying. And it’s killing our country, by jiminey.

Do you think great Americans like Teddy Roosevelt and Gen. George Patton worried about lying every time they talked to the troops before charging into battle? No way, Jose. And you know that famous picture of John Wayne raising the flag at Iwo Jima? That happened a week after the battle was over – it was all just a posed photo session. And what about the glorious old cheating scandals we used to have at West Point and the Air Force Academy? Back in those days, a great scandal like that would be front-page news for weeks at a time.

Nowadays people would be afraid to even mention it. Our biggest problem in this country is that we have too many dag-blamed rules in the first place. A man can’t drive down the street without being pulled over for having his seat belt buckled wrong or not yielding to a school bus when approaching a six-way intersection or something stupid like that.

Back in the Bible days, even God needed only 10 rules. And according to my preacher, some of those commandments, like the one about not casting the first stone, aren’t really that important if you don’t get caught breaking them.

Americans have a long and proud history of cheating. What do you think the Boston Tea Party and the Revolutionary War were all about? Our forefathers were fed up with all the stupid rules the King of England was shoving down their throats. Remember when George Washington said he couldn’t tell a lie about cutting down the cherry tree? Well, that whole cherry-tree story was a big fat lie that George made up to trick folks into thinking he was super honest.

In some countries, you know, cheating is a national sport. I say if only 70 percent of kids are cheating in school, then we need to do something to teach the other 30 percent how to get on the bandwagon. Why not go all out and start cheating classes in our schools – beginning with the first grade, by gum.

Teach the future leaders of this great country how to get around the idiotic rules that seem to be multiplying faster than we can count ‘em. Start with teaching them the right way to fill out those pesky tax forms. I guarantee you that learning how to save a few bucks at tax time will prove a lot more valuable than learning that A plus B equals C in algebra or calculus.

And when we’re all cheating, our great nation will be back on the right track again. I guarantee it.