NEW YORK -  After leaving MSNBC tonight, Keith Olbermann signed with Fox News.

Keith Olbermann, who last November was suspended indefinitely without pay from MSNBC for donating to three Democratic candidates during the past election cycle but then was rehired – quit MSNBC tonight.

Olbermann is out at MSNBC!

“We didn’t like Keith made political contributions, but then he apologized and we hired him back and then we decided we should have fired him instead of suspending him and we should never have rehired him, but tonight he quit, even though we really fired him, so we’re all happy,” MSNBC president Phil Griffin said in a statement.

As soon as Roger Ailes, the head honcho of Fox News heard that Olbermann quit, he offered Keith a spot in the nightly lineup.  Olbermann, who said the money Ailes offered was three times what MSNBC was paying him, quickly accepted the deal.

In a statement Friday, Olbermann said, “I don’t like being a popular TV host on a channel that doesn’t love me.  I went over to Fox and Roger Ailes said that he loved me and I then I went back to MSNBC and told them that if they wanted to keep me they had to tell me they loved me even more and that they always loved me, but they didn’t say anything, not even an ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’  So, I quit and went over to Roger Ailes who gave me a big bear hug.  He loves me, he really loves me.”

Olbermann went on to say,  “I am thrilled to be joining the team at Fox News.  Mr. Ailes has assured me that I will continue to do my program in the same format, and with the same viewpoint, that I had at MSNBC.  I will continue to do the Worst Person in The World.  And my first Worst Person in The World on my new Fox News show will be MSNBC president, Phil Griffin.”

Olbermann will be replacing Greta Van Susteren in the 10 pm. slot.

Rachael Maddow went on the air to urge Olbermann to reconsider and return once again to MSNBC, but Olbermann said that he’d rather go to duck hunting with Dick Cheney than return to MSNBC.”

Fox News stars – Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck – were livid when they learned of Olbermann’s hiring.  “They have to run everything by me on this network.  Everything!”  O’Reilly said.   Ailes said he likes conflict between his hosts, “it keeps them on their toes.”

So there you have it… Keith Olbermann is joining Fox News, starting in four months.

Don’t miss it!!

NEW CANAAN, CT – Glenn Beck announced yesterday that he will be taking his controversial talk-show to China – permanently!

According to inside sources, Chinese media giant CCTV offered Glenn Beck a $3 billion dollar/year contract to move his show to China.

“We believe the Chinese people will embrace Beck’s love of government and respect for authority,” said Jin Yao, VP of Social Relations at CCTV. “He is an expert fearmonger and a skilled propagandist. The People’s Republic of China can only benefit from his scare tactics and fanaticism.”

Representatives from Glenn Beck’s television show, The Glenn Beck Program, say that the deal has already been finalized, and that Beck and his family have already purchased a home in Beijing.

“Glenn Beck is excited for the move,” said Alexandra Dumascis, Beck’s publicist. “He can’t wait to take his political extremism overseas and help the people of China become patriotic, red-blooded Communists.”

“He’s already brushing up on his Mandarin!” she added.

However, not everyone at Fox News shares in Beck’s excitement.

“Glenn Beck is a hypocrite,” said Fox personality Sean Hannity. “He’s violating all of his principles by selling out to China. How can he call himself an American?”

Others were less subtle.

“Glenn Beck is a Commie!” said Bill O’Reilly. “I always knew he’d betray his country sooner or later. All it took was the right amount of cash.”

“Glenn Beck, you are a disgrace to America!” added O’Reilly.

According to police reports, thousands of fans from across the country have taken to the streets in protest.

“We want to let Glenn Beck know that he’s a disgrace to American conservatism!” said Wendell Yastrimski, who organized a protest outside of Beck’s Connecticut home. “He’s a sell out and he should be ashamed of himself!”

Glen Beck refused to comment to major media outlets about his decision to defect. However, he did make a private call to the Weekly World News office to explain his motives.

“$3 billion dollars is a lot of money,” said Beck. “You’d have to be a complete idiot to turn down that much dough. The American people can complain all they want, but the truth is: I’d sell my soul to the devil for $3 billion bucks!”

NEW YORK  – Fox News today fired the hosts of Fox & Friends and replaced them with chimps.

Fox & Friends is going bananas!  Out go the monkeys, in come the chimps.

Why did Fox News toss aside their morning hosts like a used banana peel?

Jetpacks.

The hosts of Fox News morning show, Fox & Friends, reported that Los Angeles is going to spend $1 billion on jetpacks that can fly a person up to 63 miles per hour and soar to heights of 8,000 feet.

The hosts of the show – Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Gretchen Carlson – took credit for the story, but everyone in the nation knows that it was broken right here by WWN’s own, Frank Lake.

After doing a story about glazed donuts and how terrorists were using them to make people in New York City constipated, the hosts spent a half-hour talking about the jetpacks.  Their reportage was filled with gaping holes including Kilmeade making a wild claim about LAPD Helicopters.

Kilmead said, “”It’s a bloodbath up there.  Police choppers are shooting down Jetpack Law Enforcement Officers in the skies over L.A.”  Kilmeade then spent five minutes making “machine gun sounds” with his mouth.

Replaced by Chimps

Roger Ailes, President of Fox News Channel couldn’t take his moronic morning hosts anymore, so he fired them late last night.  Ailes wanted to hire Rick Sanchez to host Fox & Friends, but realized that Sanchez doesn’t have friends anymore.

Ailes came up with yet another brilliant “casting” idea… he hired 3 chimpanzees to take the place of the three fired hosts.

“I decided we should stick to our brand and hire hosts with underdeveloped frontal lobes,” Ailes said.

Ailes did a test show with the three chimps in front of a live audience.  “The audience couldn’t tell the difference. The audience thought the chimps had more intelligent things to say than Doocy, Kilmeade and Carlson – combined,” said Ailes.

To promote the new show with the three chimp hosts, Fox is bringing out the heavy guns this morning to sit on the Fox & Friends’ couch.  Bill O’Reilly will discuss his new book, Foxes on Fox,  Sean Hannity will be discussing President Obama’s bathing habits and Glenn Beck will explain to the chimps how evolution is nothing but a Progressive plot to take money and freedom away from all human beings – even the ones on Mars.

Kilmeade, Doocy and Carlson are still hosting their show in the backyard of Doocy’s New Jersey home.  “Our kids love us,”  Doocy said.

As for the chimps… they plan on taking over Fox News primetime by January 1, 2011.

NEW YORK, NY – Bill Clinton is getting some sharp words from an unexpected source.

Rachel Maddow falls in line with Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly - they share their opinion on anything and everything … even if you didn’t ask for it. They have become so empowered by their talk shows that they feel it gives them the right to make outlandish claims or be the moral compass on any issue. Maddow has feuded with her share of people, but she has recently started a new one with an individual who held a very important office.

In a recent segment on her show, Maddow compared the Barack Obama administration to Clinton’s. She noted that President Obama had been moving to the right on health care and she expressed how his presidency began looking like that of Clinton’s.

Maddow said, “What we ended up with is what we ended up with, in my opinion, is the two terms of the Clinton administration, which is that Bill Clinton was probably the best Republican president the country ever had, if you look at the policies that he passed.”

Oh no you didn’t! Good old Bill is not amused or pleased by your comments. So much so, that in responding to you, he doesn’t feel you deserve to be mentioned by name.

While speaking alongside Tony Blair at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, Clinton took exception with the comments Maddow made on her program in March.

“One of the leading commentators on one of our liberal cable channels said i was the best Republican president the country ever produced, which would come as quite a surprise to the Republicans, half of whom still think I’m a closet communist,” he said.

“What she meant by that was I didn’t necessarily follow their ‘conventional wisdom,” he added. “I said, ‘What do you mean?!’”

Take that Maddow. How does it taster?! Wild Bill takes nothing from no one. Perhaps she should focus her attention on more meaningful things – when we decide what that is, we’ll let her know. Thoughts?

WASHINGTON, DC – Glenn Beck told his audience last night that he is related to Martin Luther King, Jr.

Right-wing media star Glenn Beck will lay claim to the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy in a rally Saturday on the National Mall, in the exact location that MLK gave his “I Have a Dream” speech.  Beck reserved the Lincoln Monument over a year ago for his rally.

Black Civil Rights leaders are furious that Beck snagged the Lincoln Memorial  on the 47th anniversary of the Dr. King’s historic March on Washington.  The Rev. Al Sharpton, however,  is planning his own rally, which will be held at Dunbar High School in DC.   Rev. Sharpton said that “Beck has no business being on at the Lincoln Memorial on MLK’s anniversary.  No business.”

Glenn Beck surprised Sharpton and other Black leaders when he said last night, “the fact is, I deserve to be there more than they deserve to be there.  Martin Luther King, Jr. was my brother.  We might have been born at different times to different parents, but he is my brother.”

Asked how Beck can make such a preposterous claim Beck said, “I was sitting in the den of my mansion in Connecticut and Martin Luther King’s appeared, sat down next to me.  He said we were brothers in another life and that we still are brothers and always will be brothers.  Martin Luther King is the one who told me to hold this rally. I’m just honoring his wishes.”

Sharpton responded to Beck’s claim, “I thought Beck was a little crazy before, but now I know that he got hit on the head when he was a kid.   Must’ve been a big rock. The man is certifiably insane.”

Beck said that not only did MLK tell him that he was his brother, but MLK told him “Glenn Beck, you are a black man.  You are the blackest black men in American right now.”  Beck told WWN, “I’m black and I’m proud and on Saturday, I’m going to say it out loud.”  Sharpton said, “If he’s black, then I’m a mermaid.”  Beck then challenged Sharpton to a “black-off” to see who can be more black. Sharpton declined.

Beck also made the wild claim that he was with MLK when King made his “I Have a Dream Speech” in 1963.   This makes no sense, given that Beck was born in 1964, but Beck offered this picture as proof that he was there:

Beck’s rally will be taking place at the Lincoln Memorial between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. this Saturday.  DC Police are expecting 50,000-100,000 people.  Glenn Beck estimates that there will be over 10 million people at the mall.  “We’ll be ten times better than the Million Man March.  Why?  Because I’m better than everybody.”

The rally’s official theme is “Restoring Honor.”  But the unofficial themes are: “Glenn Beck Is A Black Man,”  “The Glenn Beck Rally For Glenn Beck.”

There was no comment from Abraham Lincoln about the rally.  But Frank Lake of WWN will get him to talk this Saturday.

NEW YORK, NY – Two of the hottest individuals in entertainment today have decided to start some romance!

Kim Kardashian has always had the media’s attention and she’s been the fantasy of countless men. Justin Bieber’s star seems to know no limits – the 16-year-old is a millionaire and has girls across the globe going crazy over him. Both are hot commodities and Weekly World News has discovered that they are going to be hot together.

The A-list socialite and the pop sensation are an official couple. Kardashian and Bieber are off the market – for now.

“When it comes to love, age is just a number,” Kardashian told WWN.

The two became close, closer than many expected, during their Elle photo shoot. Both were playful and happy, while they frolicked in the water on a beach.

Bill O’Reilly, no stranger to meddling in the business of others, was severely disgusted with the photo shoot. He blasted Kardashian, arguing that if a 16-year-old girl was photographed suggestively with a 29-year-old man, he’d be in “big trouble.” O’Reilly needs to relax and worry about himself – let the couple live!

Kardashian appeared on “Lopez Tonight” on Tuesday, where she proceeded to say that she would date Bieber “if he was of legal age.” Clue number two.

“He definitely has this swag to him,” she said. “You just have to meet him. I thought that the shoot was all in fun. We had a good time. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.”

The first clue came way back in May. Kardashian and Bieber attended the White House Correspondent’ Association Dinner. The two were coy, with Bieber going so far as to tell E! that Kardashian was the person he most wanted to meet.

Shortly after their “first encounter,” Kardashian Twittered that she officially had “Bieber fever.” He responded to that by calling her his “girlfriend.” Joke – WWN thinks not!

After serious investigative work and borderline harassment, WWN has broken the truth.

“We’ve tried to hard to keep it a secret,” Bieber told WWN. “Society is always so judgmental and has a negative view on a situation like ours. Sure she’s older, but we click, we laugh and we enjoy each other’s company. We’re just going to roll with the punches.”

Good for Bieber. Kid has got it made right now. It’s going to be a few years before they’re hitting the club together, but Bieber doesn’t care about Kardashian’s implant problems. So it looks like a match made in heaven.

NEW YORK – Dan Rather went on MSNBC and confirmed to Lawrence O’Donnell that he is, in fact, an alien.

Dan Rather went on MSNBC, with his alien friend, Tookle-M7, and spoke on behalf of all aliens.  “We want all Americans and citizens of the earth to behave in an appropriate manner when we fully invade the earth,” Rather said.  The former CBS anchor confirmed Stephen Hawking’s belief that there are aliens in the universe and on earth.  “Stephen Hawking is one of us,” said Rather.   He went on to say that humans were just useless “noobs” and served no real purpose in advancing Galactic Society.

Lawrence O’Donnell then revealed to his MSNBC audience that he, too, was an alien from Planet Zeeba.  “I’ve known Dan, whose real name is Ootoo-545,  for 3 gozwillion years.  We are both alien scouts working to prepare the earth for the invasion, which will be coming soon.”

Rather implored Americans to abandon alien Halloween costumes and other derogatory depictions of aliens.  “They are demeaning to my beings.  Please respect us and we will respect you when  we take over.”  Rather compared the coming alien invasion to the time Europeans conquered America.  “We do not want to slaughter all Americans like the Indians were slaughtered.  We are more compassionate, but if you do not behave… it will be a massacre.”

There was speculation that Lawrence O’Donnell and Rather were simply “joking” about being aliens because they are both in the upcoming film, Skyline, but then Tookle-M7 spoke to the audience through his alien translator (Rather) and said, “we produced that movie.  It is all part of the preparation for the invasion.”

Rather and O’Donnell advised all Americans to send money to the Democratic Party because Aliens will favor those Americans that are registered Dems.   “If there is any trouble, we will eliminate Republicans first.”

Rather said he was first abducted by aliens when he was a cub reporter in Huntsville, Texas.  “They took me back to Zeeba and taught me how to be a news anchor. Then they guided my career.”   Rather said that it was the aliens that allowed him to be the first to report on JFK’s assassination.  “They blocked the signals of all the other networks.  It was quite easy actually.  What a great day that was.”

The controversy surrounding Dan Rather when he left CBS was also planned.  “They wanted it to appear that I did not have all my faculties, but I did and I do and I will and I am.”   Tookle-M7 slapped Rather in the head.  “Sometimes he gets stuck,” the alien said (through Lawrence O’Donnell).

Rather has reported on UFOs and aliens for years. Coincidence?

Hmm….

NEW YORK – Bedbugs in New York have formed a militia and are targeting CNN.

CNN has alerted all its employees about bed bugs that seem to be targeting CNN and their employees.  The bed bugs were originally found in the Time Warner Center in New York City, but they have also been found in CNN offices in Atlanta and New York City.

Bed Bugs normally do not carry disease, but these bed bugs seem to affect news gathering, news reporting and news commentary. CNN has known of the problem for months, but they just released the information to the public.

Bed Bug attacks leave the victim babbling incoherently, searching for words and causing temporary brain seizures.  The seizures supposedly cause temporary moron-itis.

For some reason, the bed bugs have not attacked Larry King at all.  When asked what he thought about this, King said, “Hello, Milwaukee!”

The bed bug attack has baffled Pest Control Specialists.  Tom Hillstrom, a bed bug exterminator told WWN, “I’ve never seen this before in my twenty years of killing pests.  These bed bugs formed an army and are going right after CNN employees.  Something ain’t right.  But I’ll find out.”  Hillstrom later entered CNN offices… and has not been seen since.  Was he another victim of the Bed Bug Militia?

There’s rampant speculation that these are not just ordinary bed bugs. CNN president, Jon Klein, said “these are genetically engineered bed bugs, that also have a robotic component.”  Asked how would create such pests, Klein simply answered, “Roger Ailes.”

After the disappearance of Jon Klein, the rest of CNN employees have join the chorus of voices blaming Fox News for the bed bug attack. “Ridiculous,” said Roger Ailes.  “CNN is looking for any reason to explain away their terrible ratings.  This bed bug conspiracy is a joke.”  WWN did later find two boxes labeled, “BB Militia” in Ailes car.  Ailes later said the BB stood for “Bill and Beck.”

Fox News has used other pests to take down CNN:  Beck, Hannity and O’Reilly.

MSNBC employees are also blaming these bed bugs for their dismal ratings, though there have been no sightings of bed bugs in any MSNBC office, anywhere.

Anderson Cooper and Rick Sanchez are currently in the hospital with Bedbugoria. They are expected to be released in the next few days, and should be back to full strength, though CNN’s ratings may never fully recover.

NEW YORK, NY – Bill O’Reilly has a bone to pick with Jennifer Aniston!

Jennifer Aniston stars in the movie “The Switch” which is due out on August 20th. Aniston has been making appearances to promote her film and speaking on the theme of the film – becoming pregnant through artificial insemination. The former “Friends” star raised some eyebrows with some recent comments regarding her beliefs that women do not need a man to have a family. Bill O’Reilly took exception to that.

The Fox News anchor isn’t shy and is always willing to share his opinions. He’s currently involved in a minor tiff with Rachel Maddow. O’Reilly did not appreciate Aniston’s comments and feels as tough she’s sending the wrong message.

“Women are realizing more and more that you don’t have to settle, they don’t have to fiddle with a man to have a child,” Aniston said at a recent public appearance to promote her new film. “They are realizing if it’s that time in their life and they want this part, they can do it with or without that.”

The conservative talk show host held a round table discussion on Wednesday to address the actress’ comments.

“She’s throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that hey, you don’t need a guy, you don’t need a dad,” O’Reilly said. “That’s destructive to our society.”

O’Reilly went on to argue that remarks like Aniston’s are hurtful to fathers, saying, “She’s diminishing the role of the dad.”

O’Reilly did extend an invitation to Aniston to come on his show and clarify her comments. “If she wants to explain it, she can get her butt right in here!”

NEW YORK, NY – Two news hosts have engaged in a war of words!

With ratings dropping, news hosts are feeling the burn. There is added pressure to get higher ratings and stress is at an all time high. With those expectations in mind, some hosts have to resort to new ways to attract the appropriate ratings. Bill O’Reilly and Rachel Maddow have decided to battle for those ratings – in a very public way.

Wednesday night, O’Reilly called Maddow out. The host of The O’Reilly Factor said Fox News “kicks your network’s butt every single night, madam.” He followed that statement up with a question: “You have to be kidding with this fake ACORN scandal stuff. Unbelievable. Do you live in this country?”

Maddow did not pass up an opportunity to go at it with O’Reilly and responded to his comments on Thursday night.

“If by this country you mean is my office right across the street from yours? Yes,” Maddow said. “Unless there’s an unguarded border down the middle lane of Sixth Avenue, yes, I live in what you call this country.”

She took a great liking to his use of “madam” and stated that O’Reilly fell back on ratings to avoid the substance of her argument, which is that stories like the Shirley Sherrod scandal are exactly what Fox News is all about.

“Mr. O’Reilly, you and Fox get great ratings,” she said. “It is so awesome how great your ratings are. You have very big ratings this year.”

She proceeded to list a variety of entertainment programs – from “Deadliest Catch” to “The Closer” to WWE Wrestling to “Spongebob” – that beat both her show and O’Reilly’s show, and said that facts are more important than TV ratings.