LAS VEGAS -   Tragedy struck Kim Kardashian last night on a private flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas.  Her left butt cheek exploded.

Many have debated for years whether Kardashian has had butt implants or not, but the proof was in the rupturing last night when Kim’s pilot took the Gulfstream 5 above 38,000 feet to avoid turbulence.  When implants fly above this altitude they have been known  to rupture, and that’s exactly what happened to Kardashian.  As she reached for her third deep-fried Oreo cookie, she felt a “bang” in her butt.  She was sitting next to the new man in her life, Miles Austin, the 25-year-old Dallas wide receiver (whose been doing just that with Kim).

The implant burst and her cheek immediately began to sag.  Pilots cleared the runway for an emergency landing at North Las Vegas Airport.  Kim was taken to Sunrise Hospital on Maryland Parkway. Her sisters, Khloe and Kourtney and mother, Kris, all rushed to the hospital to be with Kim.  Luckily they were all nearby at their new boutique at the Mirage, Kardashian Khaos.

There almost was total chaos at the hospital when the staff was unable to find a female plastic surgeon whose first name began with the letter “K” (as Kris demanded) but soon Dr. Karen Engeman showed up and replaced Kim’s left cheek implant.  “We’ve had a few cases like this before.  It’s not always safe to fly with her butt filled with silicone, but Kim’s a brave woman.”    Austin was the first one to slap Kim’s new left cheek.  “It felt good.”  He said.

Kim is resting at her Las Vegas home today and is expected to make a “full” recovery.  Austin, on the other hand, feels that this tragic accident was not due to Implant Altitude Syndrome (IAS), but instead was something more nefarious.  “Reggie Bush is behind this.”  Austin said.  “He wants to get back at Kim for dumping him, but it’s not gonna work.  She’s mine now. All of her.  Both cheeks.”  When WWN asked Austin how he thinks Bush planted the butt IED, Austin said, “Reggie’s always been a sneaking guy.  Remember the Bush Push?  Well, somehow he snuck into the hotel we were staying at in New Jersey, knocked us out with rufies or something and then injected some explosive serum into her left butt cheek.  They he paid off the pilots and had them fly too high. The man is sick jealous!”

When Bush was asked about Austin’s accusations he said, “What?  He better watch his mouth. I’ll blow his ass up next!”

Doctors advise all women with butt implants to speak with their plastic surgeon before boarding another plane.  “You don’t want to be in that mile-high club,”  Dr. John Malley said.

Even with this explosive new information, there are STILL some who refuse to believe Kim has (or had) butt implants.  In an effort to help our readers decide for themselves, we’ve included some pictures for you to examine.  Study them carefully and let us know what you think.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E :  Why not.

HOLLYWOOD -  A new plastic surgery procedure is all the rage in Hollywood.  Women are getting a uniboob!

Women are deathly afraid of having a  unibrow, but now they all want – the uniboob.  This is a new plastic surgery that conjoins a woman’s breasts.

“The uniboob actually enhances a woman’s breasts,” said renowned Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, Dr. Randy Wilkins.  “It keeps the breasts firmer, and will keep them in the desirable ‘up’ position for far longer, well into a patient’s 70s or even 80s.”

“I got the uniboob in April and I’m thrilled,” said Missy Conrad of Brentwood.  “Some of my girlfriend’s were horrified to learn about it, but once they’ve seen how I look in dresses and tank tops, they are thrilled.  Everybody wants to get it done.”

The Uniboob also looks good in bikinis.  “Look, it all depends on how much you want to show.  And it’s sexier to show a hint of cleavage, than letting everything show.  The uniboob still allows for a dab of cleavage and looks great in most bikinis.”

Tell that to the Brazlians, who are not shy to have plastic surgery.  “Uniboob?  That is ridiculous.  I would never get uniboob.  I want my breasts to show to everyone.  Sound like new stupid American thing,” said Lenina Goao.

Look who got a uniboob:

But many women in Hollywood are sporting the uniboob and loving it.  “I’ve had more sex since I’ve had the uniboob, then I had in the last five years combined,” said Michelle Wagner of Malibu.

Here’s another starlet with a uniboob:

The American Board of Plastic Surgery has approved the “uniboob” procedure – and should be available in all 50 states soon!

All for one?

BEVERLY HILLS – Plastic surgeons across the city have confirmed a serious Botox shortage. There’s fighting in the streets!

Women in Beverly Hills, and across Los Angeles, were in a panic over the weekend when it was announced that there was not enough Botox to last through this week. “We won’t be able to inject anyone with Botox for at least nine more months,” said acclaimed plastic surgeon Gregory Hayes.    Screams were heard as far away as Sydney.

Allergan Pharmaceuticals, the major supplier for the Botox in Los Angeles, had an explosion at their main factory in Westport, County Mayo in Ireland.   All Botox in the factory was destroyed.  It will take at least nine months to get the factory up-and-running again and it may be several more months before Allergan can once again meet demand.

“I get injections in my forehead ever four months, what am I going to do?,” said a concerned Anne Warbash, 39, who was being consoled by her husband.  “I won’t be able to go to work anymore.  Everybody thinks I’m 28.  I’ll be completely exposed!”  When WWN told Anne that we were going to publish her real age, she destroyed our cameras and punched Frank Lake in the face.  Luckily, there was a plastic surgeon nearby.

Several desperate Beverly Hills women have taken matters into their own hands.  Their have been a number of break-ins at plastic surgeon offices across the city.  “Women are stealing the remaining supply of Botox. We had seventeen break-ins just this past weekend,” said Officer Blanton of the Beverly Hills Police Department.  Some other women are just attacking doctors on the streets, demanding to be treated.  Like this woman attacking Dr. Ralph Carson of Wilshire Plastic Surgeons:

There are a number of men who are feeling anxious as well.  “I haven’t told a soul, not even my wife or mistress, that I get Botox injections.  Now what am I going to do?  I might have to go to Brazil or Colombia to get my injections. This is a real tragedy.”

A lot of big donors to President Obama’s election campaign are big Botox users. They have appealed to the President to see what he can do to get more Botox into L.A.  “We know there’s that oil spill in the gulf and a couple of wars going on, but… this is real life.  This is Hollywood.  We need our Botox!,” said an unnamed brunette actress who used to be on Friends but now stars in Cougartown.

Robert Gibbs announced that the President is returning from his weekend in the Gulf to handle the Botox Disaster.  “We hope to get enough Botox in L.A. by next week.”  Robert Gibbs later admitted that he, too, uses Botox.  “It gets rid of my worry lines.”

LOS ANGELES -  Judge Marsha Revel threw tarballs at Lindsay Lohan’s while sentencing her to jail.L.A. Superior Court Judge was so angered by Lohan’s disregard for the law that while sentencing her to 90 days behind bars she threw tarballs at her.   “I wish I had feathers to go with that tar,”  said the irate judge.

The “Mean Girls” star is headed to jail for violating her probation on a pair of 2007 DUI busts.  Judge Revel branded Lohan a serial liar as she hurled tarballs at her face and neck.  Lohan, overcome with emotion, was stunned by the Judge’s bizarre behavior (and her strong arm).

Lohan made a final teary-eyed plea for freedom as she attempted to pull the tarballs out of her blonde mane and mentioned the charity work she’s done with Moroccan children.  She wanted to prove that she’s a good person.  But several Moroccan children appeared in court and asked Judge Revel  to keep Lohan far away from Morocco.  They wanted to throw tarballs at Lohan too, but the Judge overruled their request.  “This is MY courtroom.  This is My tar.”

Judge Revel sentenced Lohan to three consecutive 30-day sentences – three times what prosecutors were seeking – to be followed by rehab and a trip to the Gulf of Mexico to clean up the beaches.   “Lilo is a nasty girl,”  said Revel.  “No more excuses.”  And with that the judge reared back and fired a final tarball at Lohan – a direct hit to Lohan’s forehead.  Lohan was knocked out.

When asked later why she was throwing tarballs in the courtroom, Judge Revel said that she had just returned from Louisiana and was horrified by the ecological calamity.  She brought back several tarballs to show her co-workers and had not intention of hurling them in court, but Lohan so angered her that she just started throwing.  “It felt good.  The Louisiana coastline is a disaster for this country and so is Lindsay Lohan.  I’ve recommended that she be tarballed every day while in jail.”

Court officials seemed unconcerned with Judge Revel’s behavior, and actually enjoyed watching Lohan get pelted.  Michael Lohan stood up to complain about Revel”s assault on his daughter, but the judge picked up another  tarball and said,  “Shut your pie hole, or you’ll get some of this, too.”

A scout for the Los Angeles Dodgers was in the courtroom and said that he thought the Judge had great accuracy in her throws and was planning on talking to her about a possible career change.  Meanwhile, Lohan was carried out of court by the L.A. Hazmat Team.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is not only unloading his family’s home to line his pockets, but key Playboy Mansion items are also going to the block.

Hefner has owned the house next to the Playboy Mansion since the late 90′s, in which his estranged wife and two teenage sons resided. But now that his children are off to college, Hefner is selling the mansion to rejuvenate his dwindling coffers. Sales for Playboy magazine have been steadily decreasing over the years since the onslaught of readily available Internet pornography.

Now Hefner has announced that he will also be putting up famous Playboy Mansion items for sale, much to the delight of Playboy enthusiasts. These items will include:

• Adult-sized pink tricycles used by the Bunnies, complete with training wheels
• King-sized bed from the secret “Elvis Suite”, including sheets made from Elvis’ original jumpsuits
• A Hugh Hefner robe, made from pure threaded gold
• Mechanical bull ridden and signed by Tennessee Williams
• Playboy Mansion’s much sought-after Bible of Mixed Drinks
• Only known existing pair of Marilyn Monroe’s “frumpy” pajamas
• Hugh Hefner’s first Little Black Book from age 12

The sale is set to begin on Friday, March 20. Hefner’s live-in nurse staff will be modeling the items.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – After dumping recent boyfriend, Paris is going where no human woman as gone before.

Paris Hilton was in a well-publicized long-term relationship with Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden. After weeks of speculation, the pair announced that they had gone their separate ways.

Never one to be out of the spotlight for long, Paris has quickly dusted herself off and found a new man. Sort of…

Last night, Paris was spotted at LA eatery Mr. Chow with the one and only Manigator!  What brought her over to the reptile side? His cool demeanor? Crass sense of humor?

It couldn’t be his manners, as he was seen snapping at the sweet and sour shrimp and loudly washing it down with the Chinese beer Tsingtao.

Some gossip columnists are hinting that Paris is only dating the mutant for publicity, but eyewitnesses say she was totally charmed by his rough Southern ways. Anything seems possible these days. Heidi Montag married the Invisible Beard Man.