EASTONVILLE, CO  -   3D TV Glasses have permanently cured one man’s lazy eye.


Benjamin Cartwanker, Media Specialist at the Eastonville Library, recently made a purchase that not only fulfilled a childhood dream but also cured a life long affliction.

Earlier in the month Cartwanker treated himself to a 55″ 3D 1080p LED TV to celebrate his 35th birthday. “I had always dreamed of watching television in 3D at home, ever since I saw Captain Eo back in ‘86 at Disneyland. I never dreamed it would change my life!” exclaimed Cartwanker.

After several weeks of non-stop 3D television marathons, Cartwanker noticed a change in his appearance. His strabismus had finally been cured. Strabismus commonly referred to as cross-eyed, wall eyed, spaggy eye, cock eye, lazy eye, droopy eye, loose looker, a Sammy Davis Jr., a Columbo, or a Johnny Scrubber is when one eye moves normally, while the other points in a completely wrong and awkward direction.

“My Johnny Scrubber always made me feel self conscious and I could never meet girls,” said Cartwanker, “but now, now I’m a new man.” Cartwanker is so confident that he has actually gone out on a date and he even popped the question to a lucky lady.

Benjamin Cartwanker, everyone at WWN wants to wish you the best of luck in you new life with fiancée Betty Boomheimer and, yes, Bat Boy would be honored to be your best man.

“My stepson to be, Timmy, has a Johnny Scrubber too. Little tyke reminds me of when I was a kid,” said Cartwanker as he tried to hold back tears. “I’m just glad that he can live in a world where you can see a man being punched in the face with fish in 3D and where a loose looker doesn’t force you to lament life.”

Cartwanker and his family plan to seek Best Buy’s Geek Squad for all future medical advice. “If the Geek Squad could fix Benji’s eye, there’s no telling what they can do for us all,” said Betty, “especially my little Timmy. God bless the Geek Squad, everyone.”

Best Buy declined to comment on any new medical based business ventures.

PHOTOS by BOY MACK

BALTIMORE, MD – Bat Boy’s attempts at fitting in for the holidays have again failed miserably.

In the usual shopping center custom, the White Marsh Mall in Baltimore started their month-long Santa Claus residence. Part of America’s Christmas tradition includes children being brought to malls to sit on Santa’s knee and list off their requested items.

A lull in the line occurred when the children heard Best Buy had just received a shipment of Rock Band 2. Bat Boy, hiding in the cover of the giant Christmas tree, saw his one chance and took it. He scurried up to Santa, shrieking with excitement, and tried to hand over his guano-covered list.

Seeing only a blur of big pointy ears and sharp teeth, the mall Santa took off at high-speed, making it to the food court before tripping over his baggy red pants and crashing head first into the Cinnabon stand.

Weekly World News retrieved Bat Boy’s list, which consisted only of crudely-drawn pictures, including:
Nerf gun
Mario Kart Wii
Complete ‘The Naked Brothers Band’ DVD set
‘Wall-E’ sleeping bag

CHICAGO, IL – With the economy continuing its roller-coaster ride this week, retailers are expecting a different type of crowd.

Interplanetary shoppers are anticipated to make up as much as 74% of Black Friday shoppers.  Americans are tightening their belts and keeping their wallets pocketed this holiday season as bonuses are cut and lay-offs looming right around the corner.

“Typically we have a good amount of shoppers the week leading up to Thanksgiving,” Wal-Mart manager Susiana Thornward told reporters.  “But this year we haven’t noticed a dramatic spike in sales in November.  We’re a little worried about Friday.”

Experts don’t share Thornward’s skepticism.  Although big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Best Buy have not seen significant growth during the financial crisis, online retailers of those same companies, as well as Amazon.com have noted that interplanetary and intergalactic sales are booming.

Brian Dipther, consumer trend specialist for Newsweek Online said, “Since Black Friday deals are only available in stores, we expect to see large numbers of aliens flocking to stores to snatch up the incredible deals being offered by big box retailers.”

“If you thought it got ugly when hundreds of mid-westerners rush around a store trying to grab up sale items, just wait until six-armed, three-headed, slime-covered 14-foot tall aliens are fighting over a Tickle-Me Elmo.”