NEW YORK, NY – Bernard Madoff was sentenced yesterday for committing the biggest ponzi scheme in history.  The courts are insuring he serves as much time as possible.

In a New York court yesterday, a federal judge sentenced Bernard Madoff to 150 years in prison.  Madoff plead guilty to stealing over $68 billion from his clients, leaving many of them financially destitute.  After initially making a run for it, Madoff was finally brought to justice by friend of the Weekly World News, Bat Boy.  Bat Boy was a key witness in Madoff’s resisting arrest charge, and was in the court room for sentencing.  US District judge Denny Chin said that Madoffs actions were “extraordinarily evil” and that he “will be made an example of” to future white collar criminals.

According to court papers, Bernard Madoff will be kept alive by whatever means necessary to serve his entire 150 year sentence.  When medical science begins to fail and death appears imminent, his body will be cryogenically frozen, to be thawed at a time when he can be treated and made to serve the remainder of his sentence.  Only after his sentence is completed in full will Madoff be allowed to die.

Thanks to a special arrangement between the Federal courts and legal representatives of Hell, Madoff’s suffering will not be limited to this life.  In a deal brokered shortly before sentencing, the court has ensured that upon his death Madoff’s soul will receive special treatment in his own private section of Hades.  Madoff will be sent through washing and drying machines, to remind him of all the money he laundered in life.  Night after night for millennia, he will be washed in scalding water, wrung out and dried with Satan’s undergarments.   During the days he will work as the assistant fry cook at a fast food restaurant, serving angry representatives of those he stole from in life.

Some have argued if this sentencing is extreme, and if the Federal court has any business making deals with the Devil.  In answer to this, Judge Chin said, “He deserves it.”

PALM SPRINGS, FL – Continuing a terrible holiday season, Bernard Madoff was forced to celebrate Hannukah with an unlikely Jew – The Alien!

After details of an investment scam came to light in the last two weeks, Madoff’s own children disowned him and have ceased communication since the reports first emerged.

Madoff was hoping the spirit of the season would warm the icy tension that had developed within his family, but relations had not improved in time for the first night of Hanukkah.

“It’s terrible not being with your children during the holidays,” Madoff told reporters.  “No one will talk to me, no one wanted to share my latkes or drink my Manischevitz.  That’s why I was so delighted to get a call from the Alien.  He knows what its like to be scrutinized and probed.”

Questions have surrounded the existential and religious beliefs of the Alien for years.  Although the Alien has never admitted to having a Bar Mitzvah, it is now believed that he practices Judasim.

While the Alien may celebrate the minor holiday Hanukkah, not everyone is convinced that the Alien is a practicing Jew.

“Who knows what this actually signifies,” Rabbi Eli Weisberg of Temple Beth Shalom Israel said.  “Plenty of Jews celebrate Christmas not as a religious holiday but as an excuse to get together with friends and family and be joyful.”

“And I know plenty of shiksas and goyum who stick a Menorah on top of the tree, light a candle or two then eat gelt for a week and open more presents.  It’s a little meshuga if you ask me, but what do I know?  I’m an alter kocker.”

There are reportedly photos of the Alien comforting a weeping Madoff after he lost chocolate coins during a dreidle game, but Weekly World News has yet to verify this.

NEW YORK, NY – Having been released on bail, Bernie Madoff is now open game for Bat Boy!

Bernie Madoff made his first public appearance since his arrest at a New York City federal courthouse, signing over his real estate to help cover his $10 million bond. He surrendered his passport and must abide by a curfew to stay in his apartment from 7PM to 9AM.

But it’s likely Madoff will spend the next few months holed up at home to avoid Bat Boy!

After announcing his mission of vengeance, Bat Boy has been on the hunt ever since, haunting the streets of Manhattan in the search for Madoff. He has been using his attuned sense of smell and echolocation to track the investor, but hasn’t made the final strike yet.

Madoff has not been making it easy for the world’s most famous mutant. He’s used a number of tricks to confuse Bat Boy, like wearing deer pheromones, urban camouflage and fake mustaches.

The only effective defense has been mosquito traps, which Bat Boy has fallen for every time.

Will Bat Boy triumph over evil?

PALM BEACH, FL – In a move surprising many of his fans and clients, PhD Ape is traveling to Florida in light of the Madoff investment scam – to meet with the victims!

It is no secret that PhD Ape has been good friends with investment consultant, Bernard Madoff for many years.  Allegations that PhD Ape was involved in the scam in some way are unsubstantiated and not supported by existing facts.

“It’s the spirit of the holiday season to reach out to those in need,” PhD Ape said.  “What happened to these rich old folks is a travesty.  They took their millions of dollars and trusted Madoff to invest it and make them billions.  And now they wake up to see they’re no richer than the folks who clean the pool and shuffle board table.”

“It’s a real Mitzvah what that ape is doing for us,” Palm Beach Country Club member Albert Weissberg told reporters.  “We’re in the middle of quite a pickle down here.  It’s hard to know who to trust, and out of nowhere, this guy comes down to listen to us and just make us feel like someone cares.”

“I don’t know if apes practice Judaism or not, but PhD Ape is a tsadek if I’ve every seen one,” Weissberg said emotionally.  “Oy gut, just look at me.  I’m all vaclemped just thinking about it!”

SENECA FALLS, W.VA – Bernard Madoff may be free on bail from fraud charges but Bat Boy has pledged to see him punished!

Bernard Madoff, chairman of an investment fund, was arrested by the FBI last Friday on criminal charges of securities fraud. It is believed that investors lost $50 billion due to his scheme, making it the largest investor fraud ever attributed to a single individual. And yet he is now walking the streets a free man, after posting his $10 million bail.

Bat Boy reportedly flew into a rage when he heard the news on his cave’s short-wave radio. It seems he has now made it his personal mission to bring Madoff to justice.

He was videotaped last night breaking into an army navy surplus store and stealing handcuffs and pepper spray. He also grabbed a woman’s wig and a fake moustache, presumably for two separate disguises.

Bat Boy left a piece of paper nailed to the local police station’s door explaining himself through drawings. Apparently he invested some of his profits from the special peak guano he found in his cave and is furious the money has now disappeared.

Madoff was so shaken by Bat Boy’s threats that he has approached the NYPD for protection. When a lieutenant showed him no pity, Madoff screamed, “Have you seen that freaky kid? Have you seen his teeth?! You have to help me!”

When queried about Bat Boy’s investment, Madoff smacked his forehead in frustration. “Oh god, you mean that box of [expletive] I got in the mail? I threw it out, I thought my six-year-old granddaughter sent it after I wouldn’t buy her a pony. Please, tell the bat kid I don’t have his money!”

Madoff began taunting policemen in the hopes of being locked up, but they kicked him to the curb. How long do you think it will be until Bat Boy finds him?