WASHINGTON – The White House has approved the redesign of U.S. currency. Barack Obama will be on the new dollar bill.

Ben Bernanke says that the worst of the recession is over and the economy will level out, thanks to a large reserve of gold found hidden under Mount Rushmore.

WASHINGTON, DC – Bernanke finally admits how he predicted the end of the recession: Astrology!

UPDATE: John Thain’s push for $10 million bonus is possibly orchestrated by aliens!