Weekly World News » beer

STARBUCKS TO SERVE ALCOHOL

Frank Lake — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 06:41:03 +0000

SEATTLE — Starbucks will begin serving alcohol – beer, wine and hard liquor – in two months.

Starbucks executives have struggles for the last few years, trying to decide how to expand their brand. They finally have their answer: alcohol.

According to CEO, John Malley, Starbucks will serve coffee until 2pm (as per usual), then they will switch over to an all-liquor menu including beer, wine, vodka, scotch and grain alcohol.

Baristas will become bartenders and the music will switch to all techno and hip-hop. “We want Starbucks to reflect the culture. People like to wake up in their morning with their coffee and they want to party down with drinks , liquor. “We intend to keep our customers high and then help bring them down. We like to keep our customers on a “buzz” no matter what kind.”

Starbucks is also considering putting in stripper poles into their stores. ” Some of our hotter baristas will hit the pole in the afternoon, but we want to encourage our customers to get on the pole as well. Starbucks is going to “party central” for everyone,” Malley said.

It makes sense. U.S. Starbucks stores get 70% of business before 2 p.m. “The stores are virtually empty after 2pm. The space is going to waste. We need to get the party started,” said Chief Barista, Wendy Luck. “It’s going be a wild party at every Starbucks. We’re putting a disco ball in every store.”

Starbucks, which turns 40 next year, is looking forward to being the dominant player in the “bar space.” What better way to celebrate your midlife corporate crisis than to throw a nationwide party?!

In California, the Starbucks will also be selling joints and bong hits. “California will be legalizing marijuana in a month, so we want to make sure we don’t miss out on all the marijuana dollars that will be available in a few months,” said Malley.

The 16,000-unit chain ranks among the world’s most widely copied brands. When Starbucks sneezes, global pop culture feels the draft. Starbucks isn’t going to sneeze, it’s going to… “blow, baby, blow!”

Here’s a small sampling of the after new Starbucks Bar menu:

Venti Jagermeister

Grande Screwdriver

Tall White Russian

Tall Sam Adams with two shots of Patron on the side

Two shots of grain alcohol – with or without lemon

Grande Bloody Mary

Irish Coffee

Sambuca Grande

Ron Ron Juice

Ecstasy

Mojito Blue

Chai Vodka

Fresh Leaf: Afghan Train (only in California)

Venti straws

MANIGATOR DANCES WITH ELLEN

Samuel T. Westbrook — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 10:31:01 +0000

LOS ANGELES, CA – Popular daytime talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show was interrupted by infamous mutant, Manigator.

DeGeneres, dancing through the aisles, stopped to bust a move with a young couple, when Manigator emerged in typical fashion holding a lukewarm can of beer.

Initially undeterred by the abrasive mutant, DeGeneres humored Manigator by dancing with him. Manigator mistook DeGeneres’ good nature for something more meaningful.

“He asked if I wanted to take him back to my trailer and share his beer,” DeGeneres told the audience after Manigator was ejected from the studio, “then he pinched my toosh.”

Things got even more out of hand following the drunken attempt at a pick up. DeGeneres, dancing the whole time, told Manigator that she is in fact a married lesbian.

Manigator stopped dancing and threw his beer can to the ground. He turned, bit a nearby audience member and ran through the studio to the nearest exit door screaming, “Prop 8! Prop 8!”

DeGeneres apologized to her audience for the disruption and gave away free tickets to High School Musical 3 to show her regret for the ignorant outburst.

MANIGATOR SPOTTED ON GEORGIA BEACH

Gerry Dorsey — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 10:59:01 +0000

JEKYLL ISLAND, GA – A terrifying creature with the head of a man and the scaly body of an alligator was seen making its way along Georgia’s Jekyll Island – and frightened scientists are pleading with citizens to stay away!

“Numerous witnesses saw the manigator stumbling along the beach ,” said Officer Dave Jones.

“He appeared to be very inebriated; two of the men said they smelled the beer on him before they saw the can in his hand.”

Witnesses are also reporting he was extremely belligerent to a seagull he passed by, slurring “You don’t know me… You don’t KNOW me!”

Scientists believe he is making his way south into the state of Florida, but have admittedly lost track of him.

Will he play a hand in Florida’s election chaos? Weekly World News will continue to follow these reports.

PALIN POSED WITH ALIEN BEER

Reginald Cunningham III — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:46:13 +0000

Racy photos have emerged of Sarah Palin posing with alien beer during her beauty queen days. A young Palin is clearly seen in an advertisement for Old Clandathuu’s Best lager.

Sarah Palin, beauty queen turned Vice Presidential hopeful, was crowned Miss Wasilla, Alaska in 1984. Television coverage was broadcast from the event and picked up by aliens on the planet Wazeela.

Wazeelans, noticing for the similarity to their own planet’s name, were entranced by Palin, who won the contest easily after field dressing a moose for the talent portion.

Shortly after her win, Palin was approached by executives from Old Clandathuu’s Best for a brief advertising shoot.

Some are worried that the racy photos, featuring Palin in a swimsuit and tiara with a suggestively foaming beer bottle, could damage her folksy image or her credibility as a leader. Sean Hannity decried these concerns as “sexist” continuing, “So what if she’s a babe?”

Given her renewed celebrity, one of Wazeela’s premier gentlemen’s magazines has offered Palin the chance to pose for a centerfold, should her election bid go south.

The McCain/Palin campaign has yet to comment officially on the issue. Palin’s relationship with Wazeela has been investigated before.

UFO Found on Beach After Hurricane Ike

Erik Van Datiken — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 09:32:29 +0000

Inebriated alien pilots found onboard!

HOUSTON, TX – Weekly World News has learned from a respected scientific source that survivors searching for wreckage stumbled across a UFO half buried in the beach on Galveston Island, a barrier island on the Texas Gulf coast.

Officials have desperately tried to hush up the staggering find, but WWN has managed to obtain top-secret photos of the craft, which measures 90 feet across.

The source tells WWN that the drowned corpses of two space alien astronauts were found in the saucer-shaped craft’s cockpit. What appeared to be unearthly beer bottles scattered on the floor suggested that the aliens had been flying inebriated.

The government, which has seized the UFO, has imposed a total news blackout, with officials refusing to confirm any aspect of the sensational story.

But scientific sources who believe the earthshaking discovery must be shared with the whole world leaked the news along with dazzling photographs to Dr. Wilton, who passed them on exclusively to Weekly World News.

“The creatures found in the cockpit are classic ‘gray aliens’ with bulbous heads, elongated limbs and two belly buttons,” says the scientist, well known for his balanced writings about the possibility of extraterrestrial life. “Clearly, they are not of this Earth.”

Experts aren’t sure how the craft ended up in the water and on the beach. Scientists suspect the UFO was flying low to avoid radar, when it was unexpectedly blown into the hurricane.

Initial findings indicate the aliens drowned. “The cockpit window had been breached and a preliminary autopsy found they had water in their lungs,” says Dr. Wilton.

Exceedingly high amounts of alcohol were found in their blood and, presumably, kidneys. “Frankly,” said Dr. Wilton, “ we have no idea what half of their body organs are…”

Other amazing discoveries reportedly found inside the saucer include: a McDonald’s Happy Meal, a collection of intergalactic microbrewery beer bottle caps and a DVR box holding two weeks’ worth of the new supernatural TV show, “Fringe”.