WASHINGTON – The White House is pushing through a bill that will give Affirmative Action benefits to ugly people.

The Obama Administration has felt for a long time that ugly people are facing discrimination in all sectors of the United States – jobs, college, healthcare etc.

The Administration first looked at amending”ugly” to the definition of “disabilities” under the American’ With Disabilities Act (ADA), but they figured it would take too long to enact.

Now, they are just going to declare “ugly people” to be an official minority that should be protected under Affirmative Action laws.

Republicans were quick to point out that “ugly people” might actually be in the “majority” – and felt certainly that to be the case in terms of the RNC (and the DNC).

The White House pointed to a study that showed that an American worker who was among the bottom one-seventh in looks, as assessed by randomly chosen observers, earned 10 to 15 percent less per year than a similar worker whose looks were assessed in the top one-third — a lifetime difference, in a typical case, of about $230,000.

The Administration said that “for purposes of administering the law, “ugly” is defined as the bottom 1-2 percent of  “ugly people” in the United States.

The difficulties in classification are little greater than those faced in deciding who qualifies for protection on grounds of disabilities that limit the activities of daily life, as shown by conflicting decisions in numerous legal cases involving obesity.

The White House responded:  “You know it when you see it.”

There are other objections. “Ugliness” is not a personal trait that many people choose to embrace; those whom we classify as protected might not be willing to admit that they are ugly. But with the chance of obtaining extra pay and promotions amounting to $230,000 in lost lifetime earnings, there’s a large enough incentive to do so. Bringing anti-discrimination lawsuits is also costly, and few potential plaintiffs could afford to do so. But many attorneys would be willing to organize classes of plaintiffs to overcome these costs, just as they now do in racial-discrimination and other lawsuits.

Short people, bald people, cross-eyed people and people with “bad hair” are all applying for Affirmative Action protection as well.

In the meantime, if you think you are ugly – call the government and… get protected!

NEW YORK – Mayor Michael Bloomberg is banning the sale and giveaway of tote bags in New York City.

At a press conference at City Hall this afternoon, Mayor Bloomberg explained, “For years, the problem was regular plastic bags from grocery stores and bodegas. They were littering our streets, filling our landfills. We started a mandatory recycling program at stores and implemented a 5-cent refund for customers. We’ve had great success in those measures.”

He continued, “I could have never anticipated the tote bag craze, but now businesses are giving away or selling them for next to nothing. And I mean everyone from Trader Joe’s to The New Yorker to Carnival Cruise Lines to the public schools. Have you walked down the street lately? There are billboards everywhere, but they’re on sustainable, organic canvas. It’s an epidemic. What happened to mugs and magnets?”

Bloomberg is said to have support from several NYC council members, as well as the NYC Department of Sanitation.

“I still support the BYO Bag initiative. I just want to put a stop to the new wave of bags, particularly the free with subscription or purchase bags. Not to mention, we want to nip this thing in the bud before election season. Can you imagine? What savvy politician isn’t going to distribute tote bags to his or her constituents and supporters? It’s got to stop, and before the ‘Keep the Change’ bags of 2012 are available.”

Marcia Kleinfeld, who watched on as Bloomberg explained his position, agrees with the mayor. “I moved to New York so I could be nameless. These tote bags are labels. And I’m tired of being labeled. Of course, I wanted to do good by the environment. But I miss the anonymous, throw-away plastic bag days.”

No word on how Bloomberg’s proposed ban will impact ticket sales for American Beauty 2: Tote Bag in the Tree which is set to be released this November, just in time for the holidays and Oscar nomination season.

TAIWAN – A pair of liger cubs has sparked controversy!

A zoo keeper at a private zoo in Taiwan has come under fire as he is linked to the birth of two new liger cubs. Authorities are investigating the zoo keeper for breeding a lion with a tiger. Breeding and crossing of rare protected animals is illegal in Taiwan and if convicted, a fine could be worth up to €1,000.

Huang Kuo-nan, the zoo keeper under investigation, insists that he did not mate the two animals on purpose. The liger cubs are the first created in the country. The mother was a Bengal tigress named Beauty and the father was an African lion named Simba. Beauty gave birth to triplets but only two survived.

“Usually when a lion and a tiger are kept together, they will for sure attack each other to death, but these two have been spending time together since they were small,” Huang said.

The cubs were rejected by the mother so they are being hand-reared. Huang says that the two animals have been mating for about three years – but this is the first pregnancy.

“The pregnancy of the tigress caught me totally unprepared,” Huang added.

The cubs were born Sunday at the World Snake King Education Farm in South Taiwan. The Tainan county government seized the cubs later in the day and moved them to a home for wild animals in another southern county. According to the Tapei-based Apple Daily, there are only around 10 surviving ligers in the world.

That Obama really smashes my atoms!

The Communist-in-Chief just said he wants to ban all nuclear bombs. When he says such stupid, corny stuff, he sounds more like Miss America than the President. Except beauty queens don’t need Teleprompters! (And I’d like to see Obama twirl a baton while we’re at it!)

Nukes are what made America great! First off, they helped us win World War II. We had to nuke the Japs twice to get ‘em to smarten up, but it worked! All they did later was make a bunch of crappy Godzilla movies about giant radiation monsters. The Japs seem just as crazy now than they did before we bombed them, but at least they leave us alone!

Then we used nukes to scare the Russians into leaving us alone. Turns out they were just a bunch of drunks who couldn’t find the nuke button anyway. Losers!

If we outlaw nukes, then only outlaws will have them. Those sneaky Iranians and Koreans won’t give theirs up. I know those Koreans first hand – I fought them on Pork Chop Hill and you can’t trust them as far as you can throw a grenade. They’re jealous because Japan and China are like their cooler older brothers who got all the fancy outfits and takeout food that dumb Westerners like so much. Come on: it’s not like anybody’s gonna buy a snow globe full of barbequed beef.

Nukes create jobs for American scientists and factory workers and spies, not to mention all those anti-war hippies who need something to protest!

Mark my words: if Teleprompter Kid gets his way, he’ll turn West Point into a “Full Monty” touring company!