ARLINGTON, VA – Billionaire-on-the-run Allen Stanford has been located and taken into custody, all thanks to Bat Boy.

A prominent financier, Stanford was charged on Tuesday with massive ongoing fraud to the tune of $8 billion. Stanford attempted to flee the country, but was unable to leave unnoticed. He instead went into hiding at his girlfriend’s home in Virginia.

Little did he know how close he was to our young Bat Boy’s home cave in West Virginia. After his crusade to take down Bernie Madoff, it appears Bat Boy’s appetite for punishing white-collar criminals had not been sated. He followed Stanford’s scent to his hiding place and devised a plan to trap him.

Early Thursday morning, Stanford woke to the sound of screeching outside his window. He peered through the blinds to see a large pile of cash sitting in the middle of the lawn. After dashing out with a suitcase to steal the money, Stanford slipped on a mound of bat guano and became ensnared in a rope trap, leaving him hung from a tree by his ankles.

The FBI followed a path of arrows drawn in bright blue chalk from their headquarters to the captured criminal. The Bureau will neither confirm nor deny Bat Boy’s involvement, but could not explain the guano-smeared state of Stanford.

NEW YORK, NY – Britney Spears’ “Circus” has topped the charts this week, and she is ready to celebrate!

Spears’ comeback is officially a success after her sixth album debuted at the top of Billboard’s sales charts. Her accomplishment comes less than a year after a downward spiral of personal problems that threatened to end her career. Barry Weiss, chairman and CEO of the BMG Label Group, stated, “People are just loving how she is doing right now.”

Perhaps this is why they have been keen to keep her nighttime antics as “Batney” a secret. Britney has befriended the country’s most lovable mutant, and the pair have been spotted causing juvenile mischief in the wee hours, when she is able to escape her handlers.

Batney celebrated her album’s success with Bat Boy at a private club in New York City. Neither of them drank alcohol, but did get extremely hyper after overloading on sugary Shirley Temples.

Bat Boy then presented her with his own homemade gold record, fashioned from bat guano and used tinfoil he had collected.

When a fan spotted the singer, the pair fled into the night, hightailing it to Central Park where Bat Boy showed her how to catch mosquitoes: running through a field at high speed with your mouth wide open.

Batney could be heard squealing, “BEST NIGHT EVER! BEST NIGHT EVER!”

BALTIMORE, MD – Bat Boy’s attempts at fitting in for the holidays have again failed miserably.

In the usual shopping center custom, the White Marsh Mall in Baltimore started their month-long Santa Claus residence. Part of America’s Christmas tradition includes children being brought to malls to sit on Santa’s knee and list off their requested items.

A lull in the line occurred when the children heard Best Buy had just received a shipment of Rock Band 2. Bat Boy, hiding in the cover of the giant Christmas tree, saw his one chance and took it. He scurried up to Santa, shrieking with excitement, and tried to hand over his guano-covered list.

Seeing only a blur of big pointy ears and sharp teeth, the mall Santa took off at high-speed, making it to the food court before tripping over his baggy red pants and crashing head first into the Cinnabon stand.

Weekly World News retrieved Bat Boy’s list, which consisted only of crudely-drawn pictures, including:
Nerf gun
Mario Kart Wii
Complete ‘The Naked Brothers Band’ DVD set
‘Wall-E’ sleeping bag

LOS ANGELES, CA – After announcing his acting retirement to focus on his music, Joaquin Phoenix revealed that he will be partnering with Bat Boy!

At this morning’s press junket, Joaquin explained, “I think it’s just moving on. It’s discovering something else, something new and great. And I’ve discovered that in Bat Boy.”

When asked how he found Bat Boy, he answered, “A package arrived at my agent’s office for me, with the return address merely reading ‘CAVE’. I opened it up to find a CD case caked in bat guano. I mean, how avant garde is this kid?! The CD was just 80 minutes of shrieking and squealing. Real early Yoko Ono stuff. I had to have him.”

In regards to recent exploitation accusations, the band’s manager clarified that per Bat Boy’s request, he will be paid in jars of mosquitoes and sleep in the recording studio’s basement.