NEW YORK, NY – Everybody loves a good trick shot!

The art of the trick shot – few master it, but many try. Every sport produces its crop of individuals that try and make the most ridiculous trick shots. Some groups, like Dude Perfect, make trick shots their life. Some just do them to pass the time. Whatever the case is, we all love seeing a good trick shot.

We have all, at one point or another, attempted our hand at a trick shot. We can attest to the frustration we experience when it doesn’t go according to plan. We can also attest to the utter jubilation of seeing a trick shot succeed and the realization that your time was well spent. Below is a sample of some of the latest trick shots making headlines.

NEW YORK, NY – After weeks of speculation as to why she quit/stepped-down/quit her duties as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has resurfaced… in the sporting world. Today in New York, a press conference is scheduled to announce that the former ‘almost’ 2nd most powerful person on the planet has taken the lateral move to become commissioner of the WNBA.

(pause for silent applause and reflection).

Said current NBA czar of the universe, David Stern, ‘We couldn’t be more excited to have Sarah join our family.  She’s smart, hot, finishes most jobs, and has the kind of experience we’re looking for because she played point guard in high school.  Plus you know we are always talking about expansion in the WNBA, well she can see Europe from her new office in New York, and that has to count for something’.

The Governor-quitter was unavailable for comment yesterday, but her free-loading soulmate of a husband did offer some insight as to why Sarah would take the position. ‘First and foremost, it’s a really cool title’, said Todd Palin.  ‘Sarah didn’t like the word ‘vice’ anyway, and commissioner solves that problem.  Plus, can you think of anyone with a more qualified resume than her?’ Actually, this reporter can. But all of them have jobs.

How this effects the former Republican VP’s long-term political future is uncertain. Will this new 7-year appointment become her new 2-year passion?  Or will the experience of running an unpopular league, dealing with dwindling fan bases and an uninteresting product, be the opportune springboard to a much higher office in 2012?  I bet Newt Gingrich won’t be able to match this resume builder.  Let’s see Mitt Romney come off his high horse of health care reform to talk about the new drama in the Mystic front office.

Way to go Sarah. You have once again proved that if they set their mind to it, women can do anything.  Now if only the LPGA could lure Hillary Clinton to take a career step up, we’d start to have some gender equality.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Move over Pro bowl, horrible NHL All-Star goal fest, and no-D NBA all-star crapfest. Step aside soccer exhibition matches, one-on-one celebrity poker tournaments, and pretty much the entire Olympics. Golf has decided it wants in on the all-star game phenomena.

This week, to coincide with the MLB’s midsummer classic, the USGA announced that it too will hold an ‘All-Star’ event, perhaps as early as 2020.

Officials stated their need for the decade long delay, to work out the kinks in the system, but most expert analysts, and Jim Nantz, believe golf will follow the baseball format.  Meaning: Players will be selected by flawed fan voting; the game will be played in the middle of a season to maximize player schedule disruption; there will be some sort of skills event (think putt putt, longest drive, and a ‘fan-interactive’ club toss); and players will be forced to wear stupid uniforms signifying the event.

Said one pro, “I think it’s great.  It will be so unlike the regular tour.  Instead of the best 120 golfers competing each weekend, this will take the best 100-120 golfers, and have them compete over a weekend.  But individually.”

True.  Unlike majors, where major titles, legacies, and reputations are made, a ‘Golf All-Star Event’, will allow the players to play for something they can’t get at regular events, majors, skins games, or charity pro-ams.  This will be an ‘All-Star’ tournament, mostly because it’ll say ‘All-Star’ on the trophy.

Said John Daly, “As long as there’s a Hooters nearby, I’m in”.  Then he continued, “Actually I’ll take a 7-11 if the beer is cold and they smell smokes.’” (can you say lock for fan-vote champion?).

Who knows, if successful, maybe tennis and boxing will follow suit.  This writer doesn’t just believe we ‘should’ have ‘All-Star’ Golf.  We need ‘All-Star’ Golf.  Hey, if the WNBA can have one, why not golf?

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

Twenty-five years ago Carl Lewis owned the ’84 Olympics.  Actually it might have been ’88, but stay with me.

Everyone in America knows these names: FloJo, Jackie Joyner Kersey, Mary Decker, Edwin Moses, and that weird guy from Russia who won like 300 straight pole vaults.  But, somehow track and field has lost its way.

Drugs, other sports, doping, TV, doping and drugs, and the fall of the importance of the Olympics each have played their part.  Now the governing body of Track and Field, the GBoTaF, has decided to take a pro-active role, by hiring a marketing firm to ‘rebrand’ their brand.

As of 2010, track and field will now be called ‘Adult Gym’.

Said one official,”We really feel this will make us more relatable to adults and kids. Every kid loves gym, and what adult wouldn’t love to back to the comic absurdity of gym class, opposed to working at his desk”.

And the argument has merit.  Many of track and fields main events are gym class staples: the triple jump, long jump, sprint, and 800.  This reporter can’t believe they haven’t dones this earlier.

And going forward, who wouldn’t like to see the pegboard, floor hockey, and dodgeball added to track events.  It would make them more interesting, and increase sponsorship potential.

Way to go, adult gym. I look forward to your next meet, where all of you have to wear the same outfit, including the reversible shirt.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Last night, in a stunning announcement, Brett Favre admitted that much his childhood hero, Spock, he is only half-human. The other half, it was discovered, is robotic.  Said Favre, ‘I’ve hid it for a long time, and I think it’s about time I spill my guts – well at least half of them anyway.’

The story broke prior to Brett’s appearance on sportscaster Joe Buck’s new HBO show.  But the rumors have been circulating for years.

Many consider Favre’s durability and arm strength impossible.  The 39 year old still possesses a cannon on his shoulder, and now it turns out, his arm “was in fact modeled after a howitzer”, said an anonymous source that this reporter tracked down in a remote robotic lab in Louisiana, which may in fact have constructed the quarterback.  “Look at his injury record”, the source continued. “He plays the hardest position in sports, and no one comes close to matching his durability.  I can’t believe people never put 2 and 2 together before. He never gets hurt because he can’t get hurt.”

Is it so far fetched? A half-robotic athlete? This reporter has seen the movie X-Men.  If they can do it with Wolverine, who’s to say some crazed scientist wouldn’t do it with a sports figure?  In fact, it helps explain the rationale of his countless retirements. The human side of him knows it’s time to quit, but the robotic half keeps telling him that’s just his emotions talking, and his robotic lifespan will allow another 20 years.

We’ll see come September if Brett will play again in the NFL, but at least now we have a better understanding of how he was built, why he never gets injured, and why his endless comebacks are so methodical.  It’s in his DNA and programming.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Amidst all the hoopla surrounding the new Yankee Stadium:  Is it home run friendly, is it too big, can A-Rod still choke when it matters in more spacious surroundings, etc., one thing has gone under the radar with local fans.  The team’s decision to alter the National Anthem.

In an effort to be more PC, team officials decided over the summer that starting this year, they were going to alter the song to assure no ethnicity, race, team, fan, political entity, and Islamic extremist was offended.

Said one Yankee spokesman, ‘First of all, call me spokesperson, so I don’t offend any females.  We thought that with a new President, and a new stadium, now would be the perfect time to show the world that the Yankees are expanding their brand.  It’s the right thing to do.  We expect it to catch on.”  Then he continued, “Plus in this economy, s***, we need as many people as possible to pay for the seats we totally overpriced.  S***, don’t print that last part.  If you do, I’ll just deny it.  Wait, is that a tape recorder.  F*** me.”—(inaudible commotion).

DBB research has obtained a few of the changes to the Yankee’s new version.
‘bombs bursting in air’, will be changed to ‘tireless peace talks’;
‘our flag was still there’, will be changed to ‘our flag was still there but we’re not occupiers, and we’re not here to colonize your Arab country’;
‘home of the brave’, will be changed to ‘home of the very cool’.

Is this going too far? Will the Yankees regret this decision?  Does anyone even listen to the anthem or are they getting beer and finding their seats? Short answer.  Maybe.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – News broke this morning that the MLB had come up with a solution to finally put to rest the performance-enhancing scandal: ‘An All-Juicing League’. A counter-baseball league where all players on every team ‘MUST’ juice from their choice of HGH, Roids, Greenies, or the latest illegal synthetic blends made available from Track and Field.

Said one spokesman, who refused to be identified by name, but said if you want to follow him on twitter, his sign-in was BudSelig54, “A lot of fans know most of our players cheated, and yet attendance was still through the roof.  This new ‘juicing’ league just allows us to capitalize on that.  And we don’t have to worry about any askterisked records”.

Purists may not like it, but if you think about it, the proposed plan makes a lot of sense. Just think about the level of talent that could instantly feed such a league.  Barry Bonds, A-Rod, Roger Clemens, and Sammy Sosa.  The new league might even rival the old for interest.

“I’d love to play again”, said the Rocket.  “And this time, I wouldn’t have to worry about what to misremember, or who sees what in the locker room.”

Owners say the new league could generate much-needed revenue, in a time where financial crises are looming.  Said the owner of one New York team, “Sure, we’ve added a pharmacist to our club-house staff, but lucky for us, most of our trainers already had the skill set.”

The J-MLB, Juiced Major League Baseball, will debut in 2010 and the plan to include teams in every major market (and Kansas City) currently home to a big league team.

For more comedyntary, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

DETROIT, MI – North Carolina wins the NCAA Basketball Championship.  Broadcast interruption sparked riots in small towns across the country.

Coach Roy Williams led North Carolina’s Tarheels to victory last night, beating Michigan State 89 to 72.  This is their second championship in five years.

Throughout the course of the evening broadcast was interrupted in small towns throughout the country.  Reception would falter or go out entirely during particularly dramatic moments in the game.  Large sections rural Indiana lost reception entirely.  Riots ensued.

Street signs were torn down, cars overturned, and bonfires set in regions where the Basketball Championship was blacked out last night.  Technical help lines were flooded with frantic calls, but no technical reasons could be given for the interruption.  People flooded electronics stores, hoping a television would be on and showing the game, then destroying everything in their path when it was not.  Sports bars in Indiana, Michigan, both Carolinas, and Illinois quickly turned to violence and pagan sacrifice.

One Indiana family, who lost reception shortly before halftime, built a large wicker man on their front lawn and set fire to it hoping this would appease whatever gods were listening.  Across the American farm belt livestock was sacrificed in front of television sets by desperate sports fans.  Residents of a South Carolina mill town burned down half of the downtown area before riot police reminded them that Dancing with the Stars was still on.

In Chapel Hill North Carolina, students from the tech department created a receiver which was able to pick up broadcasts of the game coming from Japan.  Punctuated by commercials for unusual game shows, the game came in loud and clear to a jubilant student body.  Once the game was won thousands of ecstatic students poured onto Franklin Street in downtown Chapel Hill, where fires were set and cars destroyed but this time out of happiness.

No definitive evidence has yet been given for the sporadic interruption of service.  Some are claiming it is part of a government mind control experiment.  Others believe it may be a cruel joke played by Ted Turner.  One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the ruling body of the Illuminati are big Michigan State fans.

NEW YORK, NY – Times are tough. The economy is tanking.  And some sports leagues, teams, and stadiums have imposed a ticket price freeze. Don’t kid yourself.  That trickles down to the athletes.  These guys aren’t making only small fortunes now.

So why are they not sharing in the federal bailout?   These guys are American too you know*.
*Except half the NHL is from Canada and Europe, and 30% of baseball is Latin**.
**Stop splitting hairs, you ‘America should look out for America only’ bigots.  Your hatred is ugly.

Did you know Stephon Marbury only makes 21.9MM??!!  That’s only $10.5 million after taxes, agent fees, posse maintenance, and excessive partying.  That $28,000 per diem has to sustain him for a whole 12 months!  That has to be his walkaround money for the year.  That’s unacceptable.

Instead of charities, public works, and infratstructure, can we please get our priorities right? The rumor out of the Bronx is that the New Yankee stadium nachos have only 2 kinds of cheese options, due to budgetary constraints.  Yeah, like having a 3rd grade art class is more important than that?

You ignore this countries greatest cross-section, you make them tighten their belt, and you watch how fast we become a 3rd world sports power.

How is a marginal athlete expected to finance his HGH habit?  How is a NFL’er expected to make it reign?  How is any NBA player expected to knock up groupies? If each of them does not have the proper capital to blow foolishly.

Come on, Congress. These guys are just like us (on roids), work almost as hard (for about half the year) as your typical factory worker, and have the same concerns as everyday Americans (who have won the lottery).  They board private jets just like the rest of us (would).

Stop ignoring their needs, and let us help them.  It’s the right thing to do.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Towering, 9-foot basketball player Koyati has no trouble keeping one eye on the ball – the Maasai hoop star is a real-life Cyclops! This gentle giant is starting his basketball career today, at the open of the 2009-2009 NBA season.

“My dream was to be a great hunter,” Koyati explains through an interpreter. “But I was too big, too loud. So I went with my second choice,” he laughed.

Koyati, who stands head and shoulders over the tallest U.S. player, is part of Kenya’s Maasai tribe, who are renowned for their height. However, his cyclopean nature can be a disadvantage.

“Since Koyati has only the one eye in the middle of his forehead, his depth perception is not so good,” admits his sports agent Bruce Simmons. “But once he’s in position under the basket, all his teammates have to do is get the ball to him and he can score at will. He can dunk while standing flat-footed on the floor!”

Koyati will be playing for the Washington Wizards, which, given his own supernatural attributes, has been a perfect fit. Anticipation of his first game is so intense that Wizards fans have already started lining up outside the Verizon Center stadium, wearing patches over one eye in his honor.

See if Koyati helps the Wizards trounce the New Jersey Nets tonight at 7:00pm EST!