NEW YORK, NY – The hottest thing in baseball right now is reaching out for a little extra help!

What were you making when you were 17? I don’t know about you, but I was making close to minimum wage at some fast-food chain. For Bryce Harper, minimum wage has been permanently deleted from his vocabulary thanks to last night’s events. The 17-year-old baseball phenom signed a 5-year, $9.9 million contract with the Washington Nationals. The teenager will make 500k a year for the next two years … must be nice!

That contract already puts Harper in the record books. He becomes the youngest highest paid baseball player – non-pitcher. Harper has been compared to LeBron James – ego and theatrics aside – as the next biggest thing to grip his respective sport. Sports Illustrated ran a feature on Harper when he was 16, placing him on the cover, next to the words, “Chose One.” Sure, his talent and hype precedes him, but the kid knows he has a long way to go.

“It feels so great to do what I love and make a career out of it,” Harper told Weekly World News. “This contract means nothing, however. I still have to go out and perform and I know that I have a long ways to go before I’m placed in the company of some of the greats to ever play the sport.”

Harper shed some light on his next move and he shared with WWN that he has extended an offer to Bat Boy to become his mentor and personal coach.

“Listen, I am still young and while I’ve been in the spotlight to a degree in recent years, that’s nothing to what is in store for me in the coming years,” Harper added. “I need someone who is no stranger to such attention and who handles it as gracefully as possible. I also need someone who can help me improve my game and become the best. Bat Boy encompasses both of those goals and I would love for him to join my management team.”

Bat Boy is a huge follower of baseball, America’s pastime as he is America’s favorite human. Bat Boy’s spokeswoman shared with us that it isn’t a matter of if but when Bat Boy will join Harper.

“Bat Boy is busy … very busy,” his spokeswoman said. “That doesn’t mean he’s going to pass up this opportunity. This kid has all the makings to be the best ever. Bat Boy knows that he can get him there and he’ll be joining the Harper camp sometime in the near future.”

The future certainly looks bright for this kid.

A leading archaeologist says the ancient Egyptians invented baseball 3,500 years ago before Abner Doubleday, the creator of today’s version, was even born!

“Baseball might well be the great American pastime but if they think they invented the game, they’re crazy,” Dr. Peter Drost told reporters in Arnhem, Holland.

“The Egyptians were playing a near identical version thousands of years ago. They called it ‘hit-catch’ and liked it so much they played teh sport year-round.”

The expert based his shocking claims on the translation of a papyrus scroll discovered in Egypt last year.

If his interpretation is accurate, Egyptian hit-catch was played by two six-man teams using crude leather gloves, wooden bats and a ball composed of tightly wrapped palm fronds.

The ancient game used only three bases, unlike today’s four, but the object was otherwise the same: Hit the ball as far as possible and round the bases to score.

Perhaps the most unusual aspect of the Egyptian version was an element of violence, said the expert.

Outfielders were equipped with small daggers and were allowed to hurl them at base runners after they rounded second and attempted to score.

“Players had the status of minor gods and almost always came from the upper classes,” said Dr. Drost.

“The lower classes and slaves were strictly forbidden to play but were very aware of the scores and top players.

“Spectators were almost exclusively from the families of the pharoahs and their courts,” Dr. Drost said. “They often viewed the action from what would be called sky boxes in our modern major league stadiums.

“Games were followed by wild parties and feasts. Winners were treated like heroes.”

The scroll the describes the Egyptian game is written in rule-book form and doesn’t say when the Egyptians started playing hit-catch.

It does suggest that the game was most popular between 1460 and 1390 BC, not long before the famed King Tut was born around 1370 BC.

Other evidence shows the game was still being played during Tut’s life.

“It’s not very clear why the Egyptians stopped playing, but we know that they did because there are no other references to the game in the historical record,” said Dr. Drost.

“I imagine after a while, people just get bored and start doing something else.”

NEW YORK, NY – After weeks of speculation as to why she quit/stepped-down/quit her duties as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has resurfaced… in the sporting world. Today in New York, a press conference is scheduled to announce that the former ‘almost’ 2nd most powerful person on the planet has taken the lateral move to become commissioner of the WNBA.

(pause for silent applause and reflection).

Said current NBA czar of the universe, David Stern, ‘We couldn’t be more excited to have Sarah join our family.  She’s smart, hot, finishes most jobs, and has the kind of experience we’re looking for because she played point guard in high school.  Plus you know we are always talking about expansion in the WNBA, well she can see Europe from her new office in New York, and that has to count for something’.

The Governor-quitter was unavailable for comment yesterday, but her free-loading soulmate of a husband did offer some insight as to why Sarah would take the position. ‘First and foremost, it’s a really cool title’, said Todd Palin.  ‘Sarah didn’t like the word ‘vice’ anyway, and commissioner solves that problem.  Plus, can you think of anyone with a more qualified resume than her?’ Actually, this reporter can. But all of them have jobs.

How this effects the former Republican VP’s long-term political future is uncertain. Will this new 7-year appointment become her new 2-year passion?  Or will the experience of running an unpopular league, dealing with dwindling fan bases and an uninteresting product, be the opportune springboard to a much higher office in 2012?  I bet Newt Gingrich won’t be able to match this resume builder.  Let’s see Mitt Romney come off his high horse of health care reform to talk about the new drama in the Mystic front office.

Way to go Sarah. You have once again proved that if they set their mind to it, women can do anything.  Now if only the LPGA could lure Hillary Clinton to take a career step up, we’d start to have some gender equality.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Move over Pro bowl, horrible NHL All-Star goal fest, and no-D NBA all-star crapfest. Step aside soccer exhibition matches, one-on-one celebrity poker tournaments, and pretty much the entire Olympics. Golf has decided it wants in on the all-star game phenomena.

This week, to coincide with the MLB’s midsummer classic, the USGA announced that it too will hold an ‘All-Star’ event, perhaps as early as 2020.

Officials stated their need for the decade long delay, to work out the kinks in the system, but most expert analysts, and Jim Nantz, believe golf will follow the baseball format.  Meaning: Players will be selected by flawed fan voting; the game will be played in the middle of a season to maximize player schedule disruption; there will be some sort of skills event (think putt putt, longest drive, and a ‘fan-interactive’ club toss); and players will be forced to wear stupid uniforms signifying the event.

Said one pro, “I think it’s great.  It will be so unlike the regular tour.  Instead of the best 120 golfers competing each weekend, this will take the best 100-120 golfers, and have them compete over a weekend.  But individually.”

True.  Unlike majors, where major titles, legacies, and reputations are made, a ‘Golf All-Star Event’, will allow the players to play for something they can’t get at regular events, majors, skins games, or charity pro-ams.  This will be an ‘All-Star’ tournament, mostly because it’ll say ‘All-Star’ on the trophy.

Said John Daly, “As long as there’s a Hooters nearby, I’m in”.  Then he continued, “Actually I’ll take a 7-11 if the beer is cold and they smell smokes.’” (can you say lock for fan-vote champion?).

Who knows, if successful, maybe tennis and boxing will follow suit.  This writer doesn’t just believe we ‘should’ have ‘All-Star’ Golf.  We need ‘All-Star’ Golf.  Hey, if the WNBA can have one, why not golf?

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

Twenty-five years ago Carl Lewis owned the ’84 Olympics.  Actually it might have been ’88, but stay with me.

Everyone in America knows these names: FloJo, Jackie Joyner Kersey, Mary Decker, Edwin Moses, and that weird guy from Russia who won like 300 straight pole vaults.  But, somehow track and field has lost its way.

Drugs, other sports, doping, TV, doping and drugs, and the fall of the importance of the Olympics each have played their part.  Now the governing body of Track and Field, the GBoTaF, has decided to take a pro-active role, by hiring a marketing firm to ‘rebrand’ their brand.

As of 2010, track and field will now be called ‘Adult Gym’.

Said one official,”We really feel this will make us more relatable to adults and kids. Every kid loves gym, and what adult wouldn’t love to back to the comic absurdity of gym class, opposed to working at his desk”.

And the argument has merit.  Many of track and fields main events are gym class staples: the triple jump, long jump, sprint, and 800.  This reporter can’t believe they haven’t dones this earlier.

And going forward, who wouldn’t like to see the pegboard, floor hockey, and dodgeball added to track events.  It would make them more interesting, and increase sponsorship potential.

Way to go, adult gym. I look forward to your next meet, where all of you have to wear the same outfit, including the reversible shirt.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Last night, in a stunning announcement, Brett Favre admitted that much his childhood hero, Spock, he is only half-human. The other half, it was discovered, is robotic.  Said Favre, ‘I’ve hid it for a long time, and I think it’s about time I spill my guts – well at least half of them anyway.’

The story broke prior to Brett’s appearance on sportscaster Joe Buck’s new HBO show.  But the rumors have been circulating for years.

Many consider Favre’s durability and arm strength impossible.  The 39 year old still possesses a cannon on his shoulder, and now it turns out, his arm “was in fact modeled after a howitzer”, said an anonymous source that this reporter tracked down in a remote robotic lab in Louisiana, which may in fact have constructed the quarterback.  “Look at his injury record”, the source continued. “He plays the hardest position in sports, and no one comes close to matching his durability.  I can’t believe people never put 2 and 2 together before. He never gets hurt because he can’t get hurt.”

Is it so far fetched? A half-robotic athlete? This reporter has seen the movie X-Men.  If they can do it with Wolverine, who’s to say some crazed scientist wouldn’t do it with a sports figure?  In fact, it helps explain the rationale of his countless retirements. The human side of him knows it’s time to quit, but the robotic half keeps telling him that’s just his emotions talking, and his robotic lifespan will allow another 20 years.

We’ll see come September if Brett will play again in the NFL, but at least now we have a better understanding of how he was built, why he never gets injured, and why his endless comebacks are so methodical.  It’s in his DNA and programming.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Amidst all the hoopla surrounding the new Yankee Stadium:  Is it home run friendly, is it too big, can A-Rod still choke when it matters in more spacious surroundings, etc., one thing has gone under the radar with local fans.  The team’s decision to alter the National Anthem.

In an effort to be more PC, team officials decided over the summer that starting this year, they were going to alter the song to assure no ethnicity, race, team, fan, political entity, and Islamic extremist was offended.

Said one Yankee spokesman, ‘First of all, call me spokesperson, so I don’t offend any females.  We thought that with a new President, and a new stadium, now would be the perfect time to show the world that the Yankees are expanding their brand.  It’s the right thing to do.  We expect it to catch on.”  Then he continued, “Plus in this economy, s***, we need as many people as possible to pay for the seats we totally overpriced.  S***, don’t print that last part.  If you do, I’ll just deny it.  Wait, is that a tape recorder.  F*** me.”—(inaudible commotion).

DBB research has obtained a few of the changes to the Yankee’s new version.
‘bombs bursting in air’, will be changed to ‘tireless peace talks’;
‘our flag was still there’, will be changed to ‘our flag was still there but we’re not occupiers, and we’re not here to colonize your Arab country’;
‘home of the brave’, will be changed to ‘home of the very cool’.

Is this going too far? Will the Yankees regret this decision?  Does anyone even listen to the anthem or are they getting beer and finding their seats? Short answer.  Maybe.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – News broke this morning that the MLB had come up with a solution to finally put to rest the performance-enhancing scandal: ‘An All-Juicing League’. A counter-baseball league where all players on every team ‘MUST’ juice from their choice of HGH, Roids, Greenies, or the latest illegal synthetic blends made available from Track and Field.

Said one spokesman, who refused to be identified by name, but said if you want to follow him on twitter, his sign-in was BudSelig54, “A lot of fans know most of our players cheated, and yet attendance was still through the roof.  This new ‘juicing’ league just allows us to capitalize on that.  And we don’t have to worry about any askterisked records”.

Purists may not like it, but if you think about it, the proposed plan makes a lot of sense. Just think about the level of talent that could instantly feed such a league.  Barry Bonds, A-Rod, Roger Clemens, and Sammy Sosa.  The new league might even rival the old for interest.

“I’d love to play again”, said the Rocket.  “And this time, I wouldn’t have to worry about what to misremember, or who sees what in the locker room.”

Owners say the new league could generate much-needed revenue, in a time where financial crises are looming.  Said the owner of one New York team, “Sure, we’ve added a pharmacist to our club-house staff, but lucky for us, most of our trainers already had the skill set.”

The J-MLB, Juiced Major League Baseball, will debut in 2010 and the plan to include teams in every major market (and Kansas City) currently home to a big league team.

For more comedyntary, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

BOSTON, MA  -  Bat Boy is outraged over the postponement of the Red Sox home opener.Bat Boy was scheduled to attend his first baseball game at Fenway Park this evening. However, officials have cancelled the game due to heavy rain. Dressed and ready to go in his newly purchased fan gear, Bat Boy was very disappointed when he showed up at the stadium unaware of the game change.

After arriving at Fenway Park, Bat Boy decided to join other outraged fans who had decided to camp out overnight and wait for the highly anticipated home opener. The game against the Tampa Rays was rescheduled for Tuesday afternoon.

Bat Boy and his new friends strolled over to Who’s On First to meet up with other loyal Sox fans.
Italian Sausages and lemonade were the items of choice for Bat Boy while others consumed multiple PBR’s.  I can only imagine – a few PBRs and the night will be flooded with tunes of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”.

Nothing like some Sox spirit for Bat Boy’s first game debut.

NEW YORK, NY – Much has changed since Philadelphia locked up last year’s title. We have a new President, Conan O’Brien is gone from 12:30, and oh yeah, and a little thing called the recession has altered the financial status of Americans.

With fans facing hard times, how will this impact America’s pastime?  How will franchises get strapped-for-cash fans into the seats? Just this year, both New York teams open lavish new facilities?  They have built them, so will they (the fans) come?

To address that question, baseball announced today it’s new ‘Meet the Celebrities’ program, geared to generate buzz, and push traffic to the ballparks.  What’s different about this campaign? Baseball is using only dead celebrities.

Said commissioner Bud Selig, “We don’t think anyone, in any sport, has ever tried this, so we’re pretty excited”.

Using unproven DNA and cloning technology, the MLB is partnering with HGH Biometrics (a Tijuana-based pharmaceutical giant), to recreate anyone from the past, to help promote their game.  Said one club official, who refused to be identified, ‘Sure it’s dodgy, but we’re the Dodgers.  You may not come to see LA play the Pirates, but you would if you can meet John Belushi.”

Said an ESPN analyst, “I think it’s great for fans.  Imagine going into the bleachers in Detroit, and starting a fight with Joe Louis, or elbowing up next to John Wayne at a Fenway urinal.  This is brilliant.”

But not everyone is a fan, said Giants opening day celeb, Dr. Ruth, “I’m not dead.  What are you talking about”.

Sure there are kinks in the system, but this reporter cannot wait to go to Wrigley and drink with uber-fan, Elvis Presley.  Stay tuned.

For more sports comedintary, check out www.dbbsports.com