WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama has launched a new plan to keep kids in school. Puts the pressure of under-performing schools to get their act together!

President Obama shifted his focus to the nation’s school dropout epidemic on Monday. He proposed a $900 million school grant to states and education districts that agree to drastically change their worst performing schools.

“Over 1 millions students don’t finish high school each year,” Obama said during an education event at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. He went on to add that there may have been a time when kids could leave school and still get a good enough blue collar job to pay the bills, but: “That’s just not the case anymore.”

The $900 million in grants will target states with graduation rates of less than 60 percent. If schools fail to increase those rates they will face the prospect of new principals, new managements, or even outright closure.

“There’s got to be a sense of accountability,” the president added during the event. America’s Promise Alliance sponsored the event which was founded by former Secretary of State Colin Powell.

NEW YORK, NY – TV political commentator Chris Matthews made a controversial statement during his State of the Union coverage.

Chris Matthews hosts the nightly TV show “Hardball with Chris Matthews” on news channel MSNBC. Like the rest of the cable news networks, MSNBC had a number of its commentators discussing President Obama’s State of the Union address last night.

As Matthews was explaining his appreciation for Obama’s speech, he made a very odd statement:

“You know, I forgot he was black tonight for an hour.”

Despite Matthews’ attempts to clarify the statement, many are appalled by the implications of his statement about African Americans in general.

I’m madder than Glenn Beck during a Kleenex shortage!

So yesterday, the Teleprompter Kid took a break from his hard work turning our country into the next Cuba — by phoning a talk radio show!

That’s pretty rich for the same President who said a while back: “You can’t listen to Rush Limbaugh and get anything done!”

Obama hates talk radio and wants to shut it down, but that didn’t stop him surprising his old friend, the governor of Virginia, when the guy was the guest on some program yesterday.

The radio guy took a phone call from “Barry in D.C.” and it turned out to be the Communist in Chief on the line. He and the governor yucked it up for a while and had a great old time.

Isn’t that touching? I’m glad all these politicians have so much spare time on their hands, so they can kid around and joke on the radio, in between ruining our once-great nation and turning it into a land of freeloaders, welfare bums, criminals and crooked lawyers!

At this point, Obama is one of the only guys in America with a job, and what does he do? He goofs off doing pranks on the radio with his buddies. After he leaves the White House, he can go be on that Crank Yankers Show.

I wish “Barry from D.C.” would call ME on the phone. I’d give him a piece of my mind, dammit!

Then I’d yell, “Get back to work, if that’s what you call it” and hang up on the guy. That’d show him!!

COPENHAGEN – When Hugo Chavez addressed the Copenhagen climate summit in his native tongue, all waited with eager hearts.

Unfortunately, his anti-American/capitalism/democracy/sunshine/freedom/common-sense/lactose/vision/common-sense speech was mistakenly translated to Bill Pullman’s epic speech from Independence Day. The investigation has began and is on-going.

Actual Chavez pronouncements like:

- “this summit is not democratic, it is not inclusive, but isn’t that the reality of our world, the world is really and imperial dictatorship…down with imperial dictatorships! ”

- “our revolution seeks to help all people…socialism, the other ghost that is probably wandering around this room, that’s the way to save the planet, capitalism is the road to hell….let’s fight against capitalism and make it obey us.”

- “I don’t think Obama is here yet. He got the Nobel Peace Prize almost the same day as he sent 30,000 soldiers to kill innocent people in Afghanistan.”

were all mistakenly translated to:

- “Mankind — that word should have new meaning for all of us today.
We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore.
We will be united in our common interests.
Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution — but from annihilation.
We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist.
And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:

“We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on!
We’re going to survive!”

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!”

The error was noticed almost immediately by the attending delegations, but there was a solidarity of Twitter messages that ranged from I Love This Movie…LOL…! to LMFAO, HC = jersey d-bag

Mr. Chavez was warmly applauded after his speech, but delegates were horrified to learn that they would have to actually listen to Zimbabwe’s President Mugabe’s speech.

Bill Pullman nor Hugo Chavez were available for immediate comment.

MIAMI, FL – To complement an upcoming Golf Digest issue featuring President Obama and Tiger Woods, Woods has created a list of tips for the President!

Here is a preview of Tiger’s Top 10 Tips for Obama:

TIP # 1  – Keep erotic dreams about Derek Jeter to yourself.

TIP #2

Turns out that big time movie star Angelina Jolie hates the Communist-in-Chief!

She even called him a “socialist” – and she means it in a bad way!

OK, she says Obama is a “socialist in disguise” and if you ask me he’s not wearing a disguise, but let’s take what we can get.

Angelina Jolie says Obama is turning America into one giant welfare bum and she’s not happy about it!

Funny: when Glenn Beck calls Obama a commie, he gets called “crazy” and “dangerous.” Sure, Beck doesn’t have big puffy lips and hair and boobs (give it time) but that’s not the point. What will Angelina’s Hollywood pals say about this?

The thing is, Angelina Jolie IS crazy and dangerous! From what I’ve found out standing in line at the supermarket, she’s got tattoos everywhere and used to be married to some freak and she kissed her own brother on the lips on the TV! Plus she knows karate!

You can do all that stuff in Hollywood and that means you’re just an “artiste”!

But the one thing you can’t do in Hollywood is mess with the Teleprompter Kid. How will Angelina afford to buy more little African kids to play with, if movie moguls only let her make infomercials for zit cream at three in the morning from now on?

Here’s why I’m confused: she’s a pretty lady with lots of kids and a good looking husband who makes lots of money – and she doesn’t like the Communist in Chief.

Doesn’t that sound like Sarah Palin to you?

Old Ed Anger hasn’t gone to a movie since The Green Berets came out, but I might have to spring for a ticket to Angelina’s next one, dammit! We tea partiers gotta stick together!

I guess the Teleprompter Kid has nothing better to do than get mad that not everybody loves him.

You’d think the President of the United States would be busy fixing (or wrecking) the economy or blowing the moon up or buying car companies or having beers with racists. But you’d be wrong!

When Obama said he wanted to “focus on the real war,” I thought he meant shooting more A-rabs, not whining about Fox News!

I think Obama’s just mad because Fox has higher ratings than he does!

Osama bin Laden is still running around, but the Communist-in-Chief is out to get Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. Last time I checked, the biggest danger those two guys are to the country is they give some people heartburn.

Now look: I’ve said it before that I’m not happy about those guys stealing all my ideas and getting their own tv shows and being millionaires. Especially that no-neck Sean Hannity, who looks like a fire hydrant in a necktie.

But now we’ve got that Zippy the Pinhead guy who answers reporters’ questions, saying Fox isn’t “real” news.

Hell, I could say Obama isn’t a real President – but that would be crazy talk!

I wonder why the Communist in Chief can’t take time out from his disco dancing date nights to have beers in the backyard with a bunch of Fox News guys?

As long as they don’t let Glenn Beck anywhere near the booze, we’ll probably be ok. But I don’t want that guy anywhere near the red button that blows everything up. He might think it’s an M&M and try to eat it or something!

WASHINGTON, DC – A government think tank has come up with a plan to put $10,000 cash in every family’s pocketbook… and key congressional leaders are meeting with President Barack Obama to consider it!

The exciting plan, which has been kept under wraps since it was first suggested in June, is based on the belief that giving money to every adult citizen in the country would stimulate mass spending, giving the economy a boost and creating millions of new jobs. The money would be a no-strings-attached gift, with the only condition that it must be spent on American-produced goods and services. It is believed it will bring America out of the recession, to join countries like England that are already recovering.

“They’re expecting unemployment levels to plummet as people start spending the extra money,” said a congressional source familiar with the elements of the new plan. “All sectors of the economy will have to tool up to produce durable goods and luxuries for the marketplace as consumers rush out to buy, buy buy.

“For the average American, this is going to be an incredible windfall offering substantial long-term benefits. It’s a terrifically expensive plan that will tack on about $2.2 trillion to the already swollen Federal deficit, but the experts believe we can make it all back in just a few years. They expect that once the upward economic spiral begins we will see a new era of prosperity that should last for years and years.”

The plan – dubbed the Cash Incentive Option – has already been discussed with select senators and congressmen, who appear to view the plan favorably, sources say. Even Republicans, who will fight it at the beginning, will be unable to say no to money for their state’s citizens.

“If this plan goes through – and it appears right now that it certainly will – every one of the 218 million adults in this nation will get a check for $10,000 in the mail. They’ll be able to spend the money any way they want – for vacations, as the down payment for a new house, for a new car, for clothes, anything at all.

“Yet unbelievably, this isn’t a giveaway plan. We’re expecting that every cent the government spends will be returned to the public coffers two or three times over. It’s a terrific idea and we have great hopes for it.”

A spokesman for the Obama administration refused to confirm or deny the existence of the cash award plan. However, it is expected to be announced shortly before the Labor Day weekend.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – An American artist has spent the last 14 years carving celebrity faces out of phone books!

Fourteen years ago, Alex Queral was out looking for wood for a new sculpture, when he suddenly noticed all of the out-of-date phone books being thrown out. It dawned on him that these books could be put to better use, so he collected some and took them home to practice carving.

Queral has since made a reputation for himself for the uncanny portraits of celebrities he is able to find in the pages!

So how does he do it? He sketches the person’s face on a piece of paper and lays it over the phonebook. Using a razor blade, he then begins to carve away at the thousands of pages to create the 3-D portrait!  Queral is now able to do about two per month.

Queral has had three solo shows to display the phonebooks, as well as a recent joint Obama display for his new portrait:

Do you like his portraits?

I’m madder than a caveman who’s allergic to dinosaurs!Obama’s cult followers aren’t satisfied at getting him elected. Now they want it illegal to criticize him!

Some bunch of professional whiners (I mean, “community organizers”) are getting big corporations to pull their ads off the Glenn Beck TV show.

Now I’ve said it before: I’m pretty mad at Glenn Beck getting rich imitating ME, the great Ed Anger. It’s bad enough he cries like a baby with a boil on its butt, but he belongs to some crazy pretend religion with its own magic underwear.

Glenn Beck’s got so many crazy theories about what’s wrong with America, I’m surprised he hasn’t started doing his show from a high up window ledge.

But this is still a more or less free country, so he has a right to say all the nutty stuff he wants!

Funny thing: the same lefties who think giant, all powerful corporations run the world can get those same corporations to jump to their tune — just by sending them a couple of angry letters!

I also like how these lefties always boycott companies they don’t even use in the first place! If poor people can’t afford insurance anyhow, how can they “boycott” Progressive and Geico?! And everybody knows poor people eat government cheese, not Sargento!

So now only two commercials run on Glenn Beck: jailbird G. Gordon Liddy telling you to buy gold — then another guy who probably SHOULD be in jail, telling you to mail in the gold you just bought!

It’s enough to start Glenn Beck drinking again, and if that happens, I don’t think this great nation will survive!

So start writing your own angry letters, America, and tell Geico where they can stick that little green lizard!