WASHINGTON – The White House has approved the redesign of U.S. currency.  Barack Obama will be on the new dollar bill.

The Obama Administration feels that the American dollar is in bad need of a makeover.  They have partnered with the Dollar ReDe$ign Project to pick a new design for U.S. currency.  Currently, the design that the administration likes best was done by Dowling Duncan (a British duo), which features a unique vertical design.  It also features President Obama on the one dollar bill.

“We love the Dowling Duncan look.  They’ve come up with a creative design and put President Obama where he belongs… on number 1,” said David Axelrod, Senior Adviser to President Obama.

The Dollar Redesign Project was organized by creative strategy consultant Richard Smith.  He is still soliciting ideas for the dollar bill of the future. “Our great ‘rival’, the Euro, looks so spanky in comparison it seems the only clear way to revive this global recession is to rebrand and redesign,” the project notes on its website.

Here’s the web site for  The Dollar Redesign Project.

“Don’t waste your time submitting a design, it’s a done deal,” said Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff.  The President wants “change” in the currency and we’ve unanimously picked Dowling Duncan’s work.  Fed Chairman, Benjamin Bernanke, has signed off on our choice for the redesign.  We intend to have the money in circulation by June, 2011.”

Emanuel went on to say that there are plans to redo U.S. coins as well.  “We don’t need a complete redesign of our coins, but we do want to put President Obama on the penny and move President Lincoln to the nickel. Thomas Jefferson, who was on the nickel, will be… discontinued.”  Republican  Congressman Paul Ryan suggested President Obama be  put on both the “nickel and dime” instead of the penny.

Another American icon might also be replaced.  “Uncle Sam is outdated,” said Axelrod.  “We need to update this icon as well.  It will now be Uncle Barack.”

Republicans are apoplectic about the changes the Administration is proposing.  “They won’t get this passed when we get control of the house,” said Minority Leader John Boehner.  “Typical Republicans, they want to block everything, even a little meaningless design issue,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.  “It doesn’t matter what they think, we’re going to pass this and every American will be carrying Obama dollars in their wallets and purses come June, 2012.”

FYI:  The Obama dollar will reportedly be worth $0.47.

WASHINGTON, DC -  Sources close to Hillary Clinton say  she will announce her run for President.

Hillary Clinton came to WWN Headquarters and told editors that she is livid about the downgrade of the U.S. Credit Rating.  “I’ve stood silent long enough.  I don’t think Obama is a leader and I know… I know I can do a much better job.  I am a true leader and… I am going to challenge Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination for the President of the United States.”

The White House was quick to deny the news, saying that as far as they knew Hillary Clinton is happy as Secretary of State and remains loyal to Barack Obama.

But, WWN has learned  that in recent weeks, Bill Clinton, has been meeting with democratic operatives in Washington and grass roots leaders early primary states of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina.  Bill thinks this time around, Hillary can easily wrestle the nomination from a weakened Barack Obama.

“It’s her time.  The nation desperately needs Hillary.  The world desperately needs Hillary,” Bill Clinton told  WWN’s Frank Lake in phone interview last night.

Some cynical Republican consultants feel that this was the plan all along.  “They made a pact back in 2008.  Barack would serve one term and get Obamacare passed, then Hillary would serve two terms and pass the other elements of their progressive agenda. The plan is working perfectly.”

Sources close to Hillary said, however, that Hillary has not spoken to Barack Obama personally in over three weeks.  “Hillary feels that President Obama has moved dramatically to the center and abandoned the core progressive principles they both old dear.”

A quick Rasmussen poll of Democratic primary voters puts the race at 52% for Hillary and 45% for Obama with 3% undecided.

James Carville, Paul Begala and, surprisingly, Dick Morris, have all signed up to join the Hillary for President team.  2012 is going to be a wild  year.

Bill Clinton likes Hillary’s chances.  “Hillary is going to crush Obama.  And the country is going to get two for one.  We are back, baby.  We’re back!!”

Republicans and Tea Party Patriots are… very worried.  VERY worried.

WASHINGTON:   President Obama is pushing a new plan to have the IRS do your taxes – tell you what you owe.

The White House has told the new congressional “super committee” tasked with finding $1.5 trillion in cuts by November, that it wants them to allow the IRS to prepare your taxes for you.

The idea has been around for a while, but has been picked up steam in recent years. In 2006, Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucu (D-Mont.) argued it would close a $345 billion annual difference between what the government believes taxpayers owe them and what the IRS actually collects, which he calls the “tax gap.”

“I think the solution to the tax gap problem is to get rid of the middle-man and no fees required,” he said.

Obama’s former Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers Austan Goolsbee  made a strong case for it in a 2006 New York Times op-ed, explaining, “… the revenue service could send you a tax form already filled out with the information it has for you — a Simple Return — rather than a blank tax form. You would simply check the numbers against your W-2 and 1099 and then sign it.”

Barack Obama pushed the plan during a 2007 speech at the Tax Policy Institute: “The government already collects wage and bank account information,” he said, “so there’s no reason the IRS can’t send Americans pre-filled tax forms.”

While this notion of allowing government to encroach on yet another aspect of our lives might sound impossible, members of the  National Tax Payers Association (NTPA) believe this is a very real threat.

“There is a fundamental conflict of interest if the tax collectors also become the tax preparer,” said NTPA President and CEO, Fred White. “If you don’t trust the fox to guard your hen house, why trust the IRS to do your taxes?  It’s the same exact thing. They make it sound so convenient, but it’s really just a convenient way to kiss your deductions and tax credits goodbye.”

White is among the increasing number of voices who fear the “super committee” will follow President Obama’s request and put this new IRS plan into effect – without a single member of Congress having a chance to vote on it.

Last week, Mr. White was audited by the IRS – and declared bankruptcy yesterday.

President Obama would also like the government to have access to everyone’s bank accounts so the government can just take the money from your account without having you write out a check.   “Let’s make things simple for Americans,” said President Obama.

“The President feels that the U.S. Government has the right to take money it’s owed from it’s citizens.  It’ll be a standard wire transfer.  No big deal,” added Vice President Joe Biden.

Biden also suggested that the government collect everyone’s full paycheck and then “just send back the difference.  That”ll really make it easy for us.”

Are YOU worried?

PATERSON, NJ  -  Chris Christie and Barack Obama inked a deal to play Abbott & Costello in a remake of a classic film – Abbott & Costello meet Frankenstein.

This weekend President Barack Obama flew to New Jersey to survey the flood damage.    He was met at the airport by New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie.  The two men immediately hit it off.

“It was like they were best friends their whole lives,” said a source closet to President Obama.  “They both love Earth, Wind & Fire, they’re both lawyers and they both love junk food.  They were like ‘brothers from a different mother.’”

Hollywood Producer Harvey Weinstein was also with the two political leaders and he immediately saw the cinematic potential of the two men working together on-screen.  He told them they should play Abbott & Costello in a movie.

The two men immediately took to the idea and they stood up and did the “Who’s On First” skit, which surprisingly both men had memorized.

Chris Christie is the perfect portly size to play Lou Abbott and Barack Obama is slim enough, and tall enough, to be Bud  Costello.    Abbott is described usually as  dumb and happy and Costello is clever and sly.  They are perfect.

“It was amazing to watch them together,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary. Chris Christie does a dead-on impersonation of Lou Abbott and Barack Obama just kills as his straight man.

Weinstein signed both men up for a remake of the classic film, “Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.”  The men agreed to the terms quickly.   “The only part of the deal where there was some conflict was about the role of Frankenstein.  “Christie wanted George Soros to play Frankenstein, and Barack Obama wanted Rush Limbaugh to play Frankenstein.”  In the end they settled on Justin Bieber for the role.  “They want to have full star power for the movie,” Weinstein said.

Weinstein said the film won’t start shooting until both men have more time – which he speculated would be in February 2013.

Christie and Obama are already in meetings about their new roles.

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Post Office is bankrupt and will be closing for good on December 3, 2001.

The United States Postal Service is so low on cash that it won’t be able to make a $5.5 billion payment due this month and will, therefore, have to shut down.

The last day of mail delivery will be Saturday, December 3rd, 2011.  “There’s no way we can handle the holiday rush this year, we can barely handle a normal delivery day,” said a Post Office insider.

The Obama Administration feel that the shut down will save money and they do not feel that Americans will miss their mail.  “Most Americans get everything they need in email.  And most Americans only get bills in the mail.  So if we cut out the post office, we will save Americans on bills,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney.

 The postmaster general, Patrick R. Donahoe, said in an interview with WWN.  “Americans don’t need any more catalogues.  We could ask Congress to bail us out, but what’s the point.  We had a good run.”

Recently, Mr. Donahoe was pushing for eliminating Saturday mail delivery, closing up to 3,700 postal locations and laying off 120,000 workers — nearly one-fifth of the agency’s work force — despite a no-layoffs clause in the unions’ contracts.

But, Donahoe feels closing up the whole Post Office system is better. “We should let the private sector handle the mail.  They do a better job anyway.”

Missing the $5.5 billion payment due on Sept. 30, intended to finance retirees’ future health care, won’t cause immediate disaster. But sometime early next year, the agency will run out of money to pay its employees and gas up its trucks, officials warn, forcing it to stop delivering the roughly three billion pieces of mail it handles weekly.

Mail volume has plummeted with the rise of e-mail, electronic bill-paying and a Web that makes everything from fashion catalogs to news instantly available. The system will handle an estimated 167 billion pieces of mail this fiscal year, down 22 percent from five years ago.

It’s difficult to imagine that trend reversing, so better to “chop the chicken’s head off now,” said Donahoe.

Ben Franklin is rolling over in his grave…

WASHINGTON. BREAKING NEWS ***  President Barack Obama has resigned the Presidency of the United States!

President Barack Obama has shocked the nation! He called the White House Staff into the Oval Office and announced that he is going to resign as President of the United States.

The President has notified the broadcast networks that he wants to address the nation Monday night at 8pm.  With the faltering economy, his low approval level and after spending the week on the campaign trail – with dwindling donors –  he has decided to call it quits.

President Obama faces numerous challenges at home and abroad.  The economy is getting worse and everything he does seems to make it worse.  Many in the White House feel that the President has fallen into a deep depression.  There are rumors that he started taking Prozac last week.

He also does not feel that he has the experience on foreign policy to handle the ongoing conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan as well as the new  military action in Libya in addition to the turmoil in the Middle East.

But the President will seek to immediately calm Americans.

“I know that Joe Biden will be more than capable of stepping into the Presidency.  He already is putting together his new cabinet,”  President Obama told his staff.

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, would not comment, but said that the President will be “perfectly clear about his resignation tonight.”

Joe Biden was unavailable, but WWN talked to members of Biden’s staff, who say Biden is confident that he can handle all the challenges facing the country.  “Joe is an expert on foreign policy.  He knows he can deal effectively and swiftly with all military conflicts around the world.”

Rumors are that Biden may appoint Hillary Clinton as his Vice President.  Further rumors have Joe Biden resigning in August, which would make Hillary President and put her in position to easily win re-election in November of 2012.

Events are progressing rapidly.  Check back with WWN, for an update!

Here’s our new President and VP!

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – President Obama has been interrupted so much on his vacation, he’s decided to extend it another week.

The President is on the seventh day of his nine-day vacation and because of major world events he’s had little rest and relaxation.  So, the President has decided to stay on Martha’s  vineyard another week.

“The President has had to deal with the financial crisis, the overthrow of the Gaddafi regime and the earthquake.  He’s had very little time to play the kind of golf he intended to on his vacation.  He had hoped to bring his handicap down to a 12, but he keeps getting interrupted,” said Jay Carney, the President’s spokesperson.  “He can’t solve ALL the world’s problems, unless his fully rested.”

“Barack is always working,” said Michelle.  “He needs some family time.  Some time to finish writing his new autobiography.”

Yesterday, the President handled two conference calls with his national security team over Libya, as well as calls to British Prime Minister David Cameron and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, in between his beaching, biking and book-reading.   “He wanted to watch “Jersey Shore” this week and he was interrupted with a jobs report.   He was disappointed,” said Carney.

White House counterterrorism czar John Brennan has been on the Vineyard to keep Obama personally up to date on all the international developments.

The President also monitored economic affairs, including the daily gyrations of the financial markets, while finding time to take first lady Michelle Obama out to dinner and socializing with friends.

For that, he can thank Brian Deese, the deputy director of the National Economic Council, who traveled up to the Vineyard to deliver daily briefings.

And  Obama led a conference call with a wide array of federal government officials to consider the latest challenge — a 5.8-magnitude earthquake that hit most of the East Coast, including the White House and the golf course he was playing at the time.

So, when does he get a chance to rest?

“The President has been steering the economy and solving major conflicts in the Mideast.  The President is getting comfortable up here,” said Carney.  “He’d prefer to work up here. He thinks  he can play golf and solve the Arab-Israeli conflict at the same time.  He’s a world-class multi-tasker.”

Today the president is dealing with hurricane Irene and helping to solve the problem of cracks in the Washington monument.

Rumors are that the President wants to knock down the monument and perhaps put up an Obama monument instead.  “The President feels it would be the appropriate time to build a new monument in Washington.”

So, Air Force One will stay on Martha’s Vineyard for at least another week.   When a reporter shouted a question to Obama about it this morning, the President simply yelled back -

“Fore!”

DALLAS  – According to sources close to the Texas governor – Rick Perry fakes his twang.

Rick Perry is known for his tough talk and his heavy Texas twang.  But an insider close to the governor says that he is faking his Texas twang – because he feels it will appeal to voters.

“Oh hell, he’s been faking it for years,” said Perry family friend, Tad Boller.   “He was born in Texas, but his parents ‘educated the twang’ out of him when he was a boy.  I bust a gut every time I hear him make a speech.”

Why does Perry do it?  “He thinks it makes him more of a cowboy, makes him sound tougher,” said Boller.

Perry considers himself a “rugged Texan” who often tells supporters he can ride a bronco bareback and can rope a calf blindfolded.  Perry proudly tells friends he can wrestle a brown bear and is willing to prove it.  “Brown bears don’t scare me.  What scares me is people who believe in evolution.  That scares the grits out of me.”

Also, according to insiders, Perry is really a Democrat.  “He likes talking like a big ole Red Republican, but he really is an environmentalist at heart, who believes fully in global warming.  He also likes higher taxes, unions and is pro-choice.  Once he becomes President, he plans on doing the Texas two-step on the American people.  He’s already saying that Al Gore is going to be his Secretary of Energy.”

As a boy, Perry took lessons to learn how to speak with a proper Texas twang.  “It was kind the reverse of what you saw in that movie, The King’s Speech,” Boller said.   Boller said taht Perry used to speak English with no accent whatsoever, but he wanted to be considered ‘cool’ by his classmates in high school,  so he started taking Twang Lessons.  In college, at Texas A&M, Perry lapsed back and lost his twang, but when he made a run for Texas governor, he brought back his teacher and… now he’s making a run for President.”

Professor Guy Bailey, a linguistics expert at University of Texas, is Rick Perry’s twang instructor.

Perry tells friends he prefers “Texas English,” than “English English.”  Perry says that Texas English is more desirable these days and that foreign leaders “expect American Presidents to have a Texas twang.  “They respect us more if our President has the twang,” Perry told a town hall in South Carolina.y

Perry wakes up every day to an alarm clock that says, “Y’all have a good day. “  He alwasy says he is all for big “bidness” and tells friends that he is “fixin’ to” send Barack Obama back to Illinois.”  Perry has a personal goal of saying “y’all” at least 100 times a day.  “He thinks the more he says it, the more of a Texan he is,” said Boller.

But there’s another cowboy in town, and he’s learning to twang, too:

NEW YORK – There’s speculation that George Soros placed heavy bets against the U.S.  causing the market crash.

Rumors are swirling that George Soros, 80, reportedly made a bet of almost $1billion at odds of 100/1 last month that the U.S. would lose its AAA credit rating.

It appears that Soros, famously known as ‘the man who broke the Bank of England’, may now have decided to try to break the U.S. stock market.

Questions are being asked of whether Soros had inside information before placing the $850million bet in the futures market.

There have been persistent rumors for the last two decades that Soros has manipulated currencies to increase his staggering wealth.

He made more than $1billion on currency speculation when the British pound left the Exchange Rate Mechanism on Black Wednesday in 1992.

WASHINGTON -   For the first time in history the U.S. credit rating was downgraded – and the White House celebrated in style!

Standard & Poor’s announced Friday night that it has downgraded the sterling U.S. credit rating for the first time in the nation’s history.  The Obama Administration not only shrugged off the announcement, and held another barbecue party before the President headed to Camp David for more parties this weekend.

“We’re still AA+,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.  “An A+ is an A+, we’re still at the top of the class.  If we were downgraded to a B or B+ we would be concerned, but we’re still A rated!”

Obama’s had it’s second Hip-Hop BBQ in two days.   The President had Earth, Wind and Fire over to the White House along with Jay-Z, Beyonce and Oprah.  They all danced in a conga line around Tim Geithner, the Treasury Secretary, who seem unfazed by the downgrade.

“It’s a tiny downgrade, we’ll be upgraded soon.  It’s no big deal.  Have another mojito,” said Geithner to WWN’s Frank Lake.

S&P decided to lower the AAA rating, held by the United States for 70 years, to AA+ after a bipartisan debt deal signed into law this week failed to assuage concerns about the nation’s growing spending.

Analysts have said a downgrade could increase the cost of borrowingfor the U.S. government and lead to tens of billions of dollars in more interest costs per year. That could translate into higher borrowing for consumers and businesses, too.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid were at the White House “dancing barefoot in the Rose Garden.”

“The downgrade does not affect the White House,” said one White House insider, “we all just got 20% pay raises!”

Tom Hanks danced on a piano rug with Susan Sarandon.