MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE —  Flesh-eating bananas have claimed the lives of over seven hundred citizens!

Sales of bananas in Maputo have plummeted following an outbreak of flesh-eating bananas that have claimed the lives of hundreds of citizens infested with a lethal banana bacteria.

The bananas sold in Maputo are grown in Mozambique. Mozambique exports bananas to South Africa. But this has made no difference to panic-stricken consumers who are avoiding the fruit altogether.  Oddly though, if you put the bananas in pancakes, the bacteria is no longer lethal.  So, authorities are encouraging all citizens to eat banana pancakes.

The Ministry of Health has assured consumers that the messages are a hoax and that nobody has appeared at any Mozambican health unit suffering from illness caused by infected bananas.

The Ministries of Health, Agriculture and Trade issued a joint statement on Wednesday stating “there is infected bananas are being dealt with, and removed.   We will soon have a country filled with only good, non-lethal bananas”  The Minster of Bananas guaranteed to ensure that bananas would be “peeled and eaten” again soon.

The authorities in the South African province of Kwazulu-Natal, where the lethal bananas come from, have also stressed that there is no reason for alarm. South African banana producers have publicly expressed their indignation that they have bad bananas and promise to send good bananas soon.

Apparently, the bacterium in the bad bananas causes necrotizing fascitis, an extremely rare infection of the deeper layers of skin and subcutaneous tissues, often referred to as a “flesh-eating disease”.

Local authorities are advising citizens not to purchase bananas that have ooze coming out of them for the next three weeks! If you have eaten a banana with ooze in the last two to three days and come down with a fever followed by a skin infection, please seek medical attention.”

BREAKING NEWS!

These drawings were found left behind on Palin’s debate notes last night showing both her belief in what should be taught in schools but also her view on the natural evolution of woman. The images show Palin evolving from Christian obedience, gunslinging hunter, patriotic beauty queen, and expectant wife to Governor Mother.

These drawings give further backing to the rumored leak of confidential papers expanding on Palin’s faith-friendly approach to school science, “Palintology”.

Apparently, evolution, global warming, carbon dating, and dinosaurs will be presented as theories which children are welcome to disregard if they choose.   During tests, students will have the option of providing a traditional scientific answer or saying “God did it.”  Any answer the student gives will be seen as equally valid and protected by their First Amendment rights.

“Many natural processes,” Palin writes, “are too complicated to be fully understood.  Godly intervention is just as legitimate as any other scientific theory. I mean, there’s a reason why bananas are ideal for human consumption. Do you think evolution made it so perfectly hand-sized?

“Maybe ‘Darwinism’ used to make sense, but we’ve got guns now. Survival of the fittest doesn’t apply anymore.”

Critics in the scientific world remain livid, but many Americans feel its the only way to take their classrooms back. It is rumored Palintology has drawn support from celebrities including former “Growing Pains” star Kirk Cameron and Mel Gibson.

Thursday, October 2, 2008
Republican insiders are abuzz with speculation that Sarah Palin may reveal during tonight’s Vice Presidential debate a faith-friendly take on science the Governor calls ‘Palintology’ in an effort to sway voters.

Hoping to galvanize Republicans in time for the election Governor Palin has released a system for public school science classes which she says “leaves room for faith.” Conservatives are hailing the idea as an appropriate middle ground.

Stay tuned for additional reporting!