WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama issued an Executive Order banning the production and/or consumption of French Fries!

The White House has had enough with the obese in America.  ”Americans can no longer be trusted to eat the right food,” said Michelle Obama to the National Nutrition Association (NNA).  Soon after, President Obama issued an Executive Order banning French Fries in America.

“Any restaurant serving french fries will be heavily fined, as will any individuals eating french fries in public OR in their own home,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

Carney told WWN that obesity is a major health epidemic in the United States and that this is the first of “many executive orders” that President Obama will issue that will serve to control what Americans eat.

“We have to make America great again, and we can’t be a great country with so many overweight people,” said Carney

Fines for serving French Fries in a restaurant start at $5,000 per plate and for consumers – if you are caught eating one serving of French Fries that will cost you $200.

How will the Administration police all restaurants and homes.

“First off, we will be shutting down all French Fry production lines in America, so we will cut of the source of this evil food.  Secondly, we will encourage all Americans to report on their neighbors and friends.  If you see something, say something,” said First Lady Michelle Obama.

Even if it hurts business, restaurants should exchange their top dishes for healthier items with less fat, salt and sugar and they should begin serving smaller portions, Obama said. As an example the First Lady offered this; instead of French fries, restaurants should serve apple slices or carrots with hamburgers and they can use less butter and cream even if it compromises taste.

Speaking at a local Olive Garden restaurant in Hyattsville, MD, Mrs. Obama joined senior management of Darden for a press conference. “This is a breakthrough moment in American history.  We will be come a healthy nation again.”

The boy in this photograph, Tommy Darby of Crystal Lake, IL, was the first to be fined $200.  He had a small fry with his Big Mac.

The White House is encouraging all Americans to eat “an apple a day” and may issue an Executive Order forcing Americans to do so.

BOISE, ID – Quick Gem Staters, hide the Biggie Smalls! The state of Idaho is banning hip-hop music!

The Idaho State Legislature unanimously passed a bill on Friday that prohibits anyone in the state from playing hip-hop or rap.

Under the new law, anyone caught listening to hip-hop would be slapped with a $3,000 fine, or worse, could face up to seven months in prison.

Legislators from the Idaho House of Reps said the decision to ban hip-hop was based on a study conducted by University of Idaho scientists, which showed that rap music can have adverse effects on young listeners.

“Rap music leads to violence,” said Republican Sharon Maclean. “So if you want to get rid of the violence, you have to get rid of rap music. It’s that simple.”

The law would also prohibit Idaho radio stations from playing “anything that resembles hip-hop music,” including reggae, techno, dancehall, and pop.

“I’m just trying to raise my kids in a wholesome environment,” said John Stiglitz, a resident of Boise and father of two, “and if that means getting rid of rap music, then so be it.”

“It’s a shame, though,” added Stiglitz. “I really enjoyed Kanye’s phat beats.”

Though the bill received overwhelming support in Congress, some Gem Staters feel that the new resolution is a blatant attack on hip-hop culture.

“This is unfair,” said Mike Williams, a 23-year-old rapper from Nampa whose stage name is Thuggy Bumpkins. “Hip-hop is a way for people to express themselves through music. It’s not violent. I’ve listened to hip-hop all my life, and not once have I done anything illegal.”

Williams, along with other Idaho-based rappers, launched a campaign against the bill called “Rappers Against the Prohibition,” or RAP. They’ve already organized several protests and “rap-ins” around the state.

“Our mission is to get people out in the streets,” said Williams. “Our voices need to be heard. This anti-rap bill is unfair and it must be stopped!”

But despite the voices of opposition, those in the Idaho State Legislature show no signs of backing down.

“They can complain all they want,” said Democrat Mark Harping. “But we’re standing firm in our decision to ban rap. If they want to beef, tell them to bring it on!”

So, is the new bill unfair? Leave a comment below and tell us what you think. Bonus points if your comment rhymes!

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.