BALTIMORE – A bleach fight broke out in a Maryland Wal-Mart.

Authorities say Theresa Monique Jefferson, 33, and another woman threw bleach and another chemical on each other during the fight, prompting authorities to evacuate the store for two hours and call in a hazardous materials team.

Fire officials say 19 people had to be taken to hospitals, although only one was thought to have serious injuries.

The alleged fight took place in the Lansdowne Station Shopping Center in Baltimore.

According to the Baltimore Sun, the argument between Jefferson and the other woman went back before the store fight.

The paper reported Jefferson has a child with the victim’s boyfriend.

Speaking to the New York Daily News, a spokesman for Walmart said: ‘This is obviously not the type of behavior that we would expect from people at our stores.

BALTIMORE, MD – A new GPS software program is being offered, which alerts any car driver to the presence of nearby Phantoms of the Opera.

Phantom Alert claims to warn drivers if their intended route is taking them by any known haunts of a Phantom of the Opera. The program depends on drivers reporting sightings to the company, who then builds a database of all known hot spots to be sent to customers’ GPS systems.

Raoul Fenway, CEO of Masquerade, International, explained, “We’ve seen a huge uptick in Phantom sightings in the past year. We believe this is due to the recession. Plays are closing across the country and the Phantoms of these failed productions seem to have gone astray.”

When asked if the Phantoms are dangerous, Raoul replied, “Oh no no. We just want to help drivers avoid collisions. The masks impair their vision, so the Phantoms tend to wander in despair into oncoming traffic. But they’re easy to avoid if you can spot them.”

Fenway said his company is currently in the works on a number of new GPS systems, such as ones that detect cats, foul-mouthed puppets and murderous chorus girls.

BALTIMORE, MD – A recently completed study has shown that profanity leveled at deities can extend your lifespan.

The findings, culled from a twelve-year research project informally known as Goddamn Healthy Living, demonstrate a marked difference in health between those who hurl invective at the heavens and those who resist the urge.

“The process isn’t fully understood,” said team leader Dr. Grady Hellman of the University of Delaware in a press conference.  “But what seems apparent is that it’s enormously beneficial to your health to angrily berate God when you feel like you need to.”

Dr. Hellman went on, “I mean, I’m a little nervous right now, but… JESUS H. CHRIST!  And now I feel better.”

The study subjects were monitored according to general health indicators and level of vulgarity in their frustrated recriminations of God.  The data showed a clear corollary between cursing out the creator and better overall health.

In response to the new demand, the researchers have prepared a list of suggested phrases for funneling your rage skyward that is being adapted into a book.

The title for the book, which will be hitting the shelves this spring, is best explained by the author himself.  “If swears can work like health food,” reasons Dr. Hellman, “then I’m starting the Tourette Diet.”

“Dr. Atkins, eat your f***ing heart out,” he added.  “It’s high in protein.”  Dr. Hellman grinned expansively.  “See, now I feel even better.”

BALTIMORE, MD – Bat Boy’s attempts at fitting in for the holidays have again failed miserably.

In the usual shopping center custom, the White Marsh Mall in Baltimore started their month-long Santa Claus residence. Part of America’s Christmas tradition includes children being brought to malls to sit on Santa’s knee and list off their requested items.

A lull in the line occurred when the children heard Best Buy had just received a shipment of Rock Band 2. Bat Boy, hiding in the cover of the giant Christmas tree, saw his one chance and took it. He scurried up to Santa, shrieking with excitement, and tried to hand over his guano-covered list.

Seeing only a blur of big pointy ears and sharp teeth, the mall Santa took off at high-speed, making it to the food court before tripping over his baggy red pants and crashing head first into the Cinnabon stand.

Weekly World News retrieved Bat Boy’s list, which consisted only of crudely-drawn pictures, including:
Nerf gun
Mario Kart Wii
Complete ‘The Naked Brothers Band’ DVD set
‘Wall-E’ sleeping bag