NEW YORK, NY – Times are tough. The economy is tanking.  And some sports leagues, teams, and stadiums have imposed a ticket price freeze. Don’t kid yourself.  That trickles down to the athletes.  These guys aren’t making only small fortunes now.

So why are they not sharing in the federal bailout?   These guys are American too you know*.
*Except half the NHL is from Canada and Europe, and 30% of baseball is Latin**.
**Stop splitting hairs, you ‘America should look out for America only’ bigots.  Your hatred is ugly.

Did you know Stephon Marbury only makes 21.9MM??!!  That’s only $10.5 million after taxes, agent fees, posse maintenance, and excessive partying.  That $28,000 per diem has to sustain him for a whole 12 months!  That has to be his walkaround money for the year.  That’s unacceptable.

Instead of charities, public works, and infratstructure, can we please get our priorities right? The rumor out of the Bronx is that the New Yankee stadium nachos have only 2 kinds of cheese options, due to budgetary constraints.  Yeah, like having a 3rd grade art class is more important than that?

You ignore this countries greatest cross-section, you make them tighten their belt, and you watch how fast we become a 3rd world sports power.

How is a marginal athlete expected to finance his HGH habit?  How is a NFL’er expected to make it reign?  How is any NBA player expected to knock up groupies? If each of them does not have the proper capital to blow foolishly.

Come on, Congress. These guys are just like us (on roids), work almost as hard (for about half the year) as your typical factory worker, and have the same concerns as everyday Americans (who have won the lottery).  They board private jets just like the rest of us (would).

Stop ignoring their needs, and let us help them.  It’s the right thing to do.

All these bailouts and whatnot have got me as mixed up as a high-class hooker at a Motel 6!

Now that I’m back in the saddle here at Weekly World News, fighting for all that’s right and good and decent, some of you keep sending me stuff to write about.

Yesterday, I got a message on my computer machine that said: “FAT CATS GRILLED!”

I just about snorted Dr. Pepper all over my desk. I know times are tough, but even in the Great Depression of blessed memory, we never broke down and fried up our beloved furry pets! Number one, that’s Chinese Communism at its worst! And number two, cat meat’s too damn stringy. And I do love our pal Tonya here, the World’s Fattest Cat. Heck, she’s one of the hardest workers on our staff!

So my grandson helped me figure out what to do with this message I got. This moving picture came up on the screen and it turns out the “Fat Cat” was some big shot banker and the “grilled” part was this lady Senator yelling at him at some big Washington meeting. Ha ha.

Now, Mrs. Cosby or Wheezie or Maxine Nightingale or whoever she is, I didn’t understand a thing she was asking this guy, something about why the banks charge you all those fees to take out your own money.

I was so relieved when it was finally the banker guy’s turn to speak and he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Thought old Ed was finally going senile there for a second.

Anyhow: everybody at this meeting looked like an idiot. But what else is new? Washington, DC was built on a swamp by a Frenchman. When you start off like that, you’d best expect the worst.

DETROIT, MI – After announcing new “self-parking” cars, reports have emerged about the source of the revolutionary technology – goblins!

Unnamed sources from within the Ford Motor Corporation have leaked internal memos revealing details of the “self-parking” technology that will be featured in all top-of-the-line models of Ford automobiles starting in 2009.

The memos state that each car will employ two or four goblin technicians, depending on the size of the engine.  The goblins actually work under the hood of the car and take control of the car once the driver puts it into “park mode.”

Executives and spokesmen for the Ford Motor Corp. have refused to comment or return calls for a statement.

Members of the United States Congress however, have been making quite a fuss over the story and many are not amused by the concept of goblins working on the hoods of American cars.

“We spent many long days working on a bailout for the auto industry,” Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas said.  “I don’t like the idea of American tax dollars going to Goblins!  That was not part of the agreement.”

“If they need small people in the engines to self-park the car, then find a small American!  We’ll breed Americans smaller and smarter and bring automotive jobs back to Americans!”

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.

Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.

09/29/08
The lower house of the U.S. Congress has voted down the rescue plan to bail out Wall Street. Henry Paulson has called on Bat Boy to persuade those in the House of Representatives who rejected it to move the plan forward.

Bat Boy seemed confident that a bounty of mosquitoes and his collection of bird skulls will do the trick.

09/25/08 – A financial crisis has been averted!

WASHINGTON, DC – Henry Paulson has proposed Bat Boy to be Deputy Treasury Secretary of the U.S. Treasury. The Senate is understandably skeptical of this recommendation.

“I mean, people are saying Sarah Palin isn’t qualified enough to be Vice-President, and she’s a governor! This bailout boy lives in a cave!”, exclaimed an unnamed Senator. He wished to remain anonymous, for fear of mutant backlash.

Paulson’s reasoning?

While experimenting in his cave, Bat Boy discovered a rare form of guano left by his fellow bats. This peak guano is such an effective form of alternative energy, the government will be able to sell it as an oil -alternative domestically and abroad for a tidy profit, thus covering the $1 trillion dollar cost of bailing out the financial system.

Paulson also stated, “Bailout Boy will not require lavish executive pay or even a hefty bonus. Bat Boy has asked to be compensated entirely in mosquitoes–an abundant commodity that we are happy to be unloading at this time.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In one of the most shocking moves of his candidacy run, John McCain has proposed selling Hawaii to Japan to help repair the economy, a leading Washington insider has informed Weekly World News.

“Basically, Senator McCain sees this as a quick and easy way to generate a huge bundle of cash,” stated the source, an upper-echelon State Department official with close ties to McCain’s inner circle.

“As everyone knows, the U.S. economy is hurting real bad. McCain figures that by selling Hawaii, he’ll be able to pay off a sizeable portion of the recent bailout of AIG while also generating funding for continuing military operations in Iraq, and quite possibly, a full-scale invasion of Iran.”

Initially, McCain considered putting up Massachusetts for sale, along with several other “blue” states. But after Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin pointed out such an action might trigger a massive popular revolt on the U.S. mainland, he decided to hang a “For Sale” sign on remote, isolated Hawaii.

“It’s so far away, that it doesn’t even seem like part of America anyway,” the Senator is alleged to have said at a campaign strategy meeting.

The campaign’s spokesman has been sure to point out that this has nothing to do with Hawaii being Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama’s home state. “It never occurred to Senator McCain, and frankly, we find it offensive that that is even being suggested.”

It is widely believed that Japan would outbid any other countries, including Canada, China and Australia, for ownership of the “Aloha state.”

According to a telephone poll of Hawaiian residents conducted last week, 98 percent described themselves as “extremely pissed” after being told about the Senator’s alleged plan.

“He’s so lolo!*” fumed Roy Kaena, a Honolulu native. When asked if he would be voting for McCain, he proclaimed “Not! I nevah.**”

*= “He’s an idiot”
**= ““Of course not! That is inconceivable.”