NEW YORK, NY – Times are tough. The economy is tanking. And some sports leagues, teams, and stadiums have imposed a ticket price freeze.

All these bailouts and whatnot have got me as mixed up as a high-class hooker at a Motel 6!

DETROIT, MI – After announcing new “self-parking” cars, reports have emerged about the source of the revolutionary technology – goblins!

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.

Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.

“It’s so far away, that it doesn’t even seem like part of America anyway”