RUSSIA – Baby-Swinging Yoga is growing in popularity in Russia.

The video below shows a Russian woman – Lena Fokina – doing yoga with a squirming baby.  She uses “dynamic exercises” that involve swinging it by its arms and ankles, upside down and over her head.

Baby Yoga with Lena Fokina is the biggest trend in Russia today and will soon be coming to the United States.

Lena was inspired by this man:

Russians have for centuries felt that swinging babies around helps develop them into “tough, strong” individuals.

Russians will typically swing their babies until they reach age 2 – then they will begin the Tossing Toddler phase.  Toddlers are often tossed 10-15 fifteen in order to “toughen them up.”  Afterward, the toddlers are given a shot of vodka.

Vladmir Putin has often said that if he wasn’t swung as a baby, he might not be as gifted and brilliant as he is now.  “My mother swung me every day, and that has made all the difference,” said Putin.

As per usual the Yoga enthusiasts in the United States want to “kick it up a notch” so they are introducing Bikram Swinging Baby Yoga or Hot Swinging Baby Yoga.  The mother will take her baby into a yoga room set to 120 degrees fahrenheit and then… the swinging begins.

Here’s the Baby-Swinging video.  Check it.  It IS real.

LOS ANGELES -   Khloe Kardashian revealed on her reality show tonight that she was impregnated by an alien.

The reality TV star who married Los Angeles  Lakers, Lamar Odom, in September 2009 after a whirlwind romance, admitted on the premier of her show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, that she wants to have a child and was worried about being able to conceive.

She said: “It’s in God’s hands, and let it happen when it happens. I’m 26. It should happen naturally. I don’t want to force it. I would love to have a baby, and if I get pregnant, I get pregnant. I don’t think, like my biological clock is ticking!”

However, Khloe’s husband – who has a 12-year-old daughter, Destiny, and eight-year-old son, Lamar Jr. ,with ex-girlfriend Lisa Morales – does not share the same view.  Khloe  said he wants to have a baby “right now.”

Lamar said, “The clock is running down, there’s five seconds left and we have no more time outs.  Let’s get this done!”  When Khloe said that maybe they should call Kobe Bryant because “he’s good at finishing the game” Lamar said, “I can finish strong. Now get in that bedroom. I’m gonna shoot, I’m gonna score!”

No luck.

So since they were having trouble, stepfather, Bruce Jenner (a certified alien) contacted his friends on Planet Zeeba. On the show Khloe said, “Bruce got in touch with them and… the next thing I know there was an alien in my house and today, I woke up pregnant!  Lamar and I are so excited.”

Khloe wouldn’t say how the alien impregnated her and would not say whether Lamar was involved or not, but… the alien sneaking out of her house looked very happy.  The alien would not speak to WWN, but Bruce Jenner said, “Every birth is a miracle. And this baby is going to be… out of this world!”

The alien baby will be born in about two months (aliens have shorter gestation time).   After that the baby will be taken to Planet Zeeba to be programmed (and de-programmed).   Jenner said, “they have a special Kardashian Abduction Center,  so we expect things to go smoothly up there on Zeeba.

According to Jenner, if the baby is a boy, he’ll be playing for the Lakers in sixteen years.  If it’s a girl, she’ll be pregnant in sixteen years.

We wish Khloe, Lamar, and Kree (teh alien) all the best.

Here’s a promo from the E show, highlighting Khloe’s morning sickness.  No mention of Kree… but he doesn’t mind.  He scored.

1863 A.D.: INFANTRY MADE UP OF INFANTS!

DURING the Civil War, the Confederacy won a victory in the Battle of Chickamauga and the North’s need for more soldiers forced President Lincoln to create a new branch of the infantry.

“A fierce patriot, Lincoln felt that all Americans should do their part in the war,” said Civil War historian Daniel Grey. “That’s why the new infantry consisted of drafted infants.”

While the babies in this new infantry weren’t required to fight, they did serve other functions. They were first used in military observation balloons.

“Hot air balloons were used for reconnaissance,” said Grey. “The babies were employed as ballast.

Although the babies were strapped to the outside of the gondolas, surveyors had to keep their ears plugged to block out all the crying. The babies were quite helpful in keeping the balloons from flying away.”

Drool was also a useful commodity.

“There was a shortage of oil in those days, and many of the union sabers were rusting from rain and blood,” said Grey. “Ulysses S. Grant realized that baby saliva was almost as good at keeping swords in good fighting condition. There was enough saliva to keep every sword in the Union from rusting.”

Babies also saw action on the front lines.

“Despite their young age, seasoned soldiers were able to show babies how to load muskets,” said Grey.

“Fortunately, the infants enjoyed shoving the ramrod in and out of the muzzle. Even amidst explosions, the babies were having fun.”

If it hadn’t been for Lincoln’s daring initiative, the outcome of the war might have been very different.

“It was certainly more successful than his other idea, which was to use baby cows as mounts,” said Grey. “The ‘calvealry’ never quite caught on.”

MUSCATINE, Iowa — A local hospital recently revealed that Allan Collinson, son of Ted and Dede Collinson, was born with fragmented, refracted eyes.

“At first I thought they were just really, really bright,” said his proud but confused mother. “Like he was angelic or something. But when they handed the swaddled newborn to me and I looked close, I saw they were like diamonds. That’s when I started talking real loud and real fast. I didn’t want to start screaming, ’cause that might scare the baby.”

“We call them ‘multi-faceted ocularities,’” explained Dr. Wayne Dickens, the country’s leading optometrist/pediatrician, who traveled from Accokeek, Maryland to offer his assistance to the family. “Even though little Allan is the first child born with this condition, we’ve been expecting this for some time now. In this age of PCs, video iPods, videogames, cell phones, HD-TVs, those wonderful Blu-ray players, and every other light source today’s generation stares into for hours at a stretch, it was only a matter of time before nature took its course.”

Dr. Dickens foresees a time in the not-so-distant future when all newborn eyes will be genetically predisposed to handle the demands put on them by the modern age. “This is not an aberration. This is evolution!” For their part, mama and papa Collinson are just happy that baby Allan has all his fingers and toes.

“I’m told it will look, to him, like he has about eight hundred digits, but he’ll get used to that,” his mother said. “Right,” agreed Ted. “If he had come out a full-fledged fly-baby, we’d be a little concerned — though we wouldn’t love him any less.”

For now he’s just the couple’s bright-eyed boy. “Though you don’t get into a staring contest with him,” Ted added. “Trust me, you’d lose.”