DINGLE, Ire. – After years of extensive searching, the lost city of Atlantis has been found – on Google Maps!

The reports are in from officials at Google Maps. They say the computer-based cartography system, which provides high-resolution satellite images for geographic locations around the world, beamed hundreds of photos from the lost city of Atlantic back to Google’s headquarters in Mountain View, California.

The image clearly shows a glittering mythological palace floating atop the Atlantic Ocean. See for yourself:

“The photo taken by Google Maps is most definitely the Lost City of Atlantis,” said Yale Mythologist Anthony Braxwell. “It displays all the trademark characteristics of the legendary metropolis. A shimmering castle, glistening drawbridges made of gold, crystal spires – yep, it’s all there.”

“I’m just surprised it took so long to find,” added Braxwell.

According to sources, the Google Maps satellite was performing a routine scan of the Atlantic Ocean when it came across the strange, previously uncharted Kingdom of Atlantis.

The satellite images, which have been proven accurate to within 1/100th of a millimeter, show the island of Atlantis sitting just 10 miles southwest of Dingle, Ireland, a small township with a population of 300.

“I’ve lived here for 75 years,” said Brian MacElhose, a farmer and lifelong resident of Dingle, “and never noticed that gigantic city floating out there in the ocean. How could I have missed it? Oh well, I guess that’s what Google Maps is for.”

Experts in the fields of geography and history say the recent discovery of Atlantis will have a “monumental effect on the future of mankind.”

“This is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most important discovery of the last millennium,” said Braxwell.

Word has yet to be released concerning the population or demographics of Atlantis. Some authorities speculate that the city is probably barren, while others estimate its population to be somewhere around 10,000.

Either way, international diplomats are foaming at the mouth for a chance to colonize the mythological island. England, Iraq, Russia, Greece, and the United States have all expressed interest in claiming Atlantis as a territory.

PHOTOS BY BOY MACK

BARCELONA – Scientists were shocked to find that the deep waters of the Atlantic Ocean have shifted directions!

Scientists studying the Atlantic Ocean were shocked to discover yesterday that for some unknown reason the deep waters of the  ocean have reversed their direction of flow.  This hasn’t happened since the beginning of the last ice age!

Instead of heading southward as they usually do, these abyssal waters are now flowing northward a new study suggests.

The change in flow could have accompanied profound changes in climate, researchers explained.  It may be evidence of Global Cooling!

In the Atlantic, the Gulf Stream brings warm surface water from the tropics to high latitudes, where it cools, sinks and flows southward in the deep ocean. The way that water flows in the ocean helps redistribute large amounts of heat – and in this way is critical to how the world’s climate works.

Contradictory lines of evidence from during the cold peak of the ice age – the last glacial maximum – make it difficult for scientists to determine whether this ocean circulation was strongly or weakly in any particular direction back then.

But now… the Atlantic Ocean has clearly shifted directions!!  What does it mean?

To reach these conclusions, scientists investigated a pillar of sediment roughly 128 feet (39 meters) long, extracted from the seafloor by use of a ship off the coast of the tip of Africa under about 8,000 feet (2,440 m) of water. The upper 15 feet (5 m) or so of this core sample contains material reflecting ocean conditions over the last 50,000 years.

“It is very tricky to take such long cores from such depth without breaking the metal tube in the open ocean, which usually has bad weather conditions,” said researcher Juan Magrita, a paleoceanographer at the Autonomous University of Barcelona in Spain. However, the staff onboard the vessel, the Juanita Dafania, were very expert, he noted.

Scientists across the globe are scrambling to determine why the Atlantic Ocean is switching direction.  “This could have catastrophic implications for people living on both sides of the Atlantic.  This is a dangerous global problem, one that the nations of the world have to act together to correct, if we can.” said Professor Jacob Jabolin of Harvard University.

Of course, surfers are rushing to the beaches on both sides of the Atlantic… trying to take advantage of the waves that come from the switch.  “No matter which way the ocean flows, surfers are always crazy,” said Jabolin.

UPDATE – The killer crustacean has finally been identified as George the giant lobster’s son!

Last September, Weekly World News reported on a giant lobster that attacked an innocent diver. The lobster was never found, but recently a 140-year old lobster was released back into the wild after living at the City Crab and Seafood restaurant in New York City.

Weekly World News was able to speak to George for a moment before he departed into the waters off Boothbay Harbor, Maine. In a heavy New England accent, George admitted, “Yeah, that boy was unfortunately my son. I say was ‘cos we ain’t speakin’ no more. I ain’t got no problem with the humans – they let me come back to my home and everythin’. I could not abide by his actions, and he was officially disowned!”

George then slipped off the bow of the boat and disappeared into the waves. Will George’s disapproval stop his son from striking again?

September 4, 2008

Colossal mutations declare war on humans, warns scientist!

The great white shark and the giant squid are no longer the most fearsome predators lurking in the world’s oceans.

Their place as the primo monster of the deep has been taken by a mutant strain of enormous lobsters — and one scientist fears the mammoth creatures are waging a bloody war of vengeance against human beings.

In the second such incident ever recorded — the first was reported by Weekly World News in 2002 — a diver barely escaped with his life after being attacked by one of the lobsters off the coast of Maine last month.

Mark Lagrange was diving near Kennebunkport — the site of the 2002 attack and the summer home of former president George H.W. Bush — when the aggressive shellfish sprung without warning and grabbed him around the torso with its powerful pincers.

“I was minding my own business, swimming around and looking at the sea life, when I felt a searing pain,” Lagrange says. “I looked around and saw my blood gushing into the ocean and this humongous lobster hanging onto me.

“It shook me like a rag doll. I thought I was going to break in half!

“All I could think of was the times I’ve eaten lobster — boiled, broiled, steamed, grilled. “I realized it was payback time. This giant lobster was going to eat me!”

Lagrange managed to free himself from the lobster’s vise-like grip in the nick of time. He swam to the surface, where his diving companions pulled him into their boat and applied a tourniquet to his gashed leg.

Marine biologist Henrietta Newman performed the autopsy on the lobster originally found in 2002 and stated, “What I found truly shocked me. Apart from its freakish size — it was 30 feet long and weighed 587 pounds — I discovered brain abnormalities that are cause for genuine alarm.

“Lobsters are very primitive creatures. Normally their brains — if you can even call them that — are the size of a grain of rice. But this lobster’s brain was as big as that of a 4-year-old child.

“Even more disturbing, it had a prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that deals with cognition, planning and regulating social behavior. This lobster had the ability to think and plot revenge.

“Some kind of rapid evolution is going on in the lobster world. And it’s not a stretch of the imagination to theorize that these creatures are sick and tired of ending up on our dinner plates.

“I think they’re plotting a revolution and plan to pick us humans off one by one. I strongly urge everyone to stay out of the water to avoid becoming lobster feed.”

“I thought I saw a boat broke down, so I went to help out,” claims Captain Swan.  “But weren’t no break down.  I seen Fossett fightin’ with Jimmy Hoffa for the love of Amelia Earheart.  After a bit they noticed me and just poof vanished.”  Swan was released from official custody this morning after testing negative for drug and alcohol use.

Colossal mutations declare war on humans, warns scientist!

The great white shark and the giant squid are no longer the most fearsome predators lurking in the world’s oceans.

Their place as the primo monster of the deep has been taken by a mutant strain of enormous lobsters — and one scientist fears the mammoth creatures are waging a bloody war of vengeance against human beings.

In the second such incident ever recorded — the first was reported by Weekly World News in 2002 — a diver barely escaped with his life after being attacked by one of the lobsters off the coast of Maine last month.

Mark Lagrange was diving near Kennebunkport — the site of the 2002 attack and the summer home of former president George H.W. Bush — when the aggressive shellfish sprung without warning and grabbed him around the torso with its powerful pincers.

“I was minding my own business, swimming around and looking at the sea life, when I felt a searing pain,” Lagrange says. “I looked around and saw my blood gushing into the ocean and this humongous lobster hanging onto me.

“It shook me like a rag doll. I thought I was going to break in half!

“All I could think of was the times I’ve eaten lobster — boiled, broiled, steamed, grilled. “I realized it was payback time. This giant lobster was going to eat me!”

Lagrange managed to free himself from the lobster’s vise-like grip in the nick of time. He swam to the surface, where his diving companions pulled him into their boat and applied a tourniquet to his gashed leg.

While speeding him to a hospital on shore, they radioed the Coast Guard, who captured and killed the crazed crustacean and brought the creature’s massive body to the lab of marine biologist Henrietta Newman.

“I personally performed a necropsy on the lobster and what I found truly shocked me,” the scientist says. “Apart from its freakish size — it was 30 feet long and weighed 587 pounds — I discovered brain abnormalities that are cause for genuine alarm.

“Lobsters are very primitive creatures. Normally their brains — if you can even call them that — are the size of a grain of rice. But this lobster’s brain was as big as that of a 4-year-old child.

“Even more disturbing, it had a prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that deals with cognition, planning and regulating social behavior. This lobster had the ability to think and plot revenge.

“Some kind of rapid evolution is going on in the lobster world. And it’s not a stretch of the imagination to theorize that these creatures are sick and tired of ending up on our dinner plates.

“I think they’re plotting a revolution and plan to pick us humans off one by one. I strongly urge everyone to stay out of the water to avoid becoming lobster feed.”