ORANGE BEACH, AL – Brain-eating amoeba have been found in the Alabama water supply and communities in Mississippi.

Several  lifeguards succumbed to a bug known as the “brain-eating amoeba,” according to reports.   There have been over thirty-five deaths this month in Alabama and Mississippi alone.  With more reports coming out of the Florida panhandle.

The lifeguards died from meningitis.  Naegleria fowleri — or “brain-eating amoeba” as it is sometimes known — was originally suspected as the cause.

Several teenagers who were nearby thought zombies were responsible for the bug -  NOT the amoeba.

“I think I saw a few ole zombies in the water and maybe they had amoebas in their mouth or in their butts.  But the lifeguards were bitten by zombies, that’s why they died.  For sure.  I knows it,” said Tyler Biggs of Selma.

Zombies have long been suspected of being carriers of brain-eating amoeba.  “Yes, of course, they can eat the brain directly, but they also like to use amoeba for a more subtle way of attacking victims,” said Zombologist, Dr. John Blanton.   “Like all of us, zombies get bored and want to kill in new and unique ways.”

Some say that Michele Bachmann contracted the amoeba after being bitten by a zombie (reportedly her husband) last week when she was in Florida campaigning.

Health department officials told WWN that these were isolated incidents, but WWN has confirmed that though the amoeba may be contained, the zombies are not.

“We gots a zombie epidemic down here,” said Jeb Stuart of Orange Beach.  “Zombies are everywhere.  I got my gun ready.”

Mr. Stuart’s brain was eaten by a zombie before WWN could follow-up with him.

NEW JERSEY – Horny young men with no ambition fear for their survival with news of the extinction of the eastern cougar.

What was once a thriving species of rich older women preying on strapping young men, known as cubbies or cubs, is now no more. Wealthy divorced and perpetually single women ranging in ages from 35 to 55, known as cougars, were once in abundant supply in major U.S. cities along the eastern seaboard. However, results from the 2010 Census have revealed that the eastern cougar is now completely extinct.

New Jersey was once the main breeding ground of the species. However, due to the ongoing financial crisis, many women that were once considered to be cougars have disappeared. With their 401k accounts completely bottomed out and several without work, most were unable to keep up with their Botox and plastic surgery allowing them to maintain their “youthful” appearance. This lack of necessary maintenance and financial liquidity has caused many of them to fall out of the cougar category being downgraded to middle-aged woman.

The last known cougar was last spotted in Short Hills, NJ. But when her net worth fell went into the red, rendering her unable to fund future hunts and surgeries, a cougar she was no more.

The closest kin to cougars that can be found in the east are located in sanctuaries in southern Florida, also known as nursing homes.  However, field researchers say that due to their age, these women are not actually cougars but better classified as jaguars. And although most jaguars are found in sanctuaries, occasionally a jaguar is spotted living in the wild, often assisted by a Haitian caretaker.

As a result of the extinction, a mass exodus of cougar hunters or safarists, young men that seek cougars, has occurred in major eastern cities that were once heavily populated by cougars. Along with New Jersey, New York and Atlanta have seen a drop in the population of young, cougar seeking men. Most of these men have headed for the west coast to seek the last remaining North American cougars. All of these men have avoided south Florida stating that the jaguar population is “just too weird” for them.

“I have my standards you know,” said Chip an accomplished cougar hunter who claims to have captured over 37 cougars in just one months time, “past 50 is just too old for me. It doesn’t matter how much money she has.”

Who knows what will become of the cougar population throughout the rest of the nation. But if things do not come under control fast and soon, ABC’s smash hit Cougar Town may be better suited for the National Geographic Channel before you know it.

ATLANTA -  A mystery red fireball was seen above Atlanta last night.  Authorities confirm it was a UFO.

In the last two months there have been an increase number of UFO sightings – red UFOs, blue UFOs, red streaks across the sky, green streaks across the skies…  As reported on this blog before, the U.S. Government is covering up the ongoing alien invasion, documented extensively by the United Nations Panel on Extraterrestrials.

Last night in Atlanta, there was another UFO sighting.

A DeKalb man happened to have a camera rolling when what looks like a fireball floated in the sky overhead last week. Or maybe it was just an optical illusion created by a passing aircraft.

Charsign Raymond, of Clarkston, was visiting a friend’s apartment just west of downtown Stone Mountain when his friend’s wife happened to drive up.

“She ran in and said, ‘Look, you’ve all got to see this,” Raymond recalled.

Raymond, 39, had been playing with his video recorder, and he got out of the apartment in time to capture whatever it was in the sky.

It looks like a double-barreled ball of fire falling toward earth.

Raymond contacted the AJC last weekend with his find and later loaned a reporter his videotape so the AJC could publish it here.

On Monday, a reporter visited the site where Raymond shot the video. The apartment is off the intersection of Memorial Drive and James B. Rivers Memorial Drive. Raymond’s camera was aimed at the southwestern sky.

The DeKalb Police Department had no reports of fireballs hitting the county recently.

Mekka Parish, a police department spokeswoman, said she probably would have heard about it if one had.

“Interesting, but I didn’t hear a rumor about something like that,” she told the AJC on Monday.

This incident, which occurred at around 5:30 p.m. on Nov. 28, is about as strange as the unexplained explosion that rocked Villa Rica west of Atlanta two days earlier.

People in three counties — Carroll, Douglas and Haralson — complained about hearing a loud boom around 9:45 p.m. on Nov. 26. Police officers and firefighters responded to the Mirror Lake neighborhood in Villa Rica, but found nothing — not even smoke — that would indicate something had exploded.

Authorities there later guessed that the noise had been a sonic boom, but the Federal Aviation Administration said there were no commercial aircraft fast enough to produce such a noise.

WWN has learned from insiders in the CIA that last night’s red streak was, in fact, a UFO… and is part of the ongoing alien invasion – which is projected to last until 2015.

They’re coming, they are here… when are you going to believe?

Here’s the YouTube video from last night:

ATLANTA, GA – Following a trip to Australia where Anderson Cooper taped a shark special, he was treated to a surprise guest in the studio.

Cooper traveled to the coast of Australia to investigate the tourism destination increasingly popular for boat trips that offer the opportunity to swim with sharks without the aid of cages.

Argued to be both educational and entertaining, the pastime has been under critical review for many years.

What Cooper expected to be a routine trip turned out to be much more when one of the sharks, a seven-year old female named Lorna, became infatuated with the silver-haired bachelor.

“Lorna is usually one of the less friendly sharks out there,” Captain Argul Sherman of the Swim With Sharks Boat Tour told reporters. “We were surprised at how playful she became after Anderson went for his swim. She kept swimming along side the boat, continually turning over to show her underside, a common mating practice in dolphins but rarely seen in sharks.”

Cooper, who planned to leave the smitten shark in Australia, never expected to see Lorna on the set of Anderson Cooper 360, especially not with a bouquet of flowers.

“The whole thing was very flattering,” Cooper said with a blush on CNN’s Morning Show. “During a commercial break I took Lorna aside and told her that she is very sweet and I enjoyed swimming with her.”

“I thanked her for the flowers but said that I didn’t see a future for us. I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment, and to be honest, she just isn’t my type.”

When asked what his type is, he tactfully dodged the question while slowly turning over a portrait of a very lovely wildebeest.

ATLANTA, GA – Following four extra weeks of campaigning, Democratic challenger, Jim Martin lost by an impressive 15 percent.

On Election Day, no single candidate received 50 percent of the votes plus one, so under Georgia election law, the race would bpe decided by a run-off election of the top two candidates, Martin and incumbent Republican Saxby Chambliss.

“This was an important race for the Democrats,” PhD Ape said in a statement early this morning, “with two races lingering and two seats away from a filibuster proof super-majority in the Senate, Democrats were fighting hard for Georgia.  Not only were their hopes of that majority dashed last night, so too were their hopes of Georgia turning blue.”

“Jim Martin is a good man and dedicated public servant.  He looks forward to continuing to serve the people of Georgia by doing… whatever it is he did before running for Senate.”

The run-off election brought out some of the brightest stars on both sides of the aisle.  Chambliss rolled out former Massachusetts’ Governor Mitt Romney as well as failed VP-candidate Sarah Palin.  Martin had the support of Vice President Al Gore in addition to political consultants Ludacris and TI.

Despite Ludacris’ confusing performance of his hit single ‘Politics’ in which he criticizes not only President Bush but also Hillary Clinton and John McCain, it was not enough to save Martin from an embarrassing loss.