Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR

CHANDLER, AZ – Have you ever had a prank go wrong? Have you wondered how bad it could really get? This man found out the hard way.

While waiting for his friend to finish pumping gas, a man jokingly lit a match next to the gas tank. And then… well, you would imagine hilarity ensued, right?

NEW YORK, NY – No doubt that most in America have heard of the NCAA tournament, if not gotten involved in an office pool, online contest, or friendly wager. Even President Obama filled out a bracket, where (true to Democratic form) he picked a ‘blue state school’ to win it, North Carolina. ESPN covered Bam’s picks with a segment called ‘Barack-otology’.

What most don’t know, however, is that the tourney has always been global, and the world’s foremost leaders and tyrants also get a case of March Madness.

Former British PM Tony Blair notoriously always picked Duke for his Final Four, noting it ‘seemed like the English thing to do’.  Pol Pot may have been a brutal leader, but that basketball savant once won a small fortune with Indiana in ’76.  And departed dictator Saddam Hussein once reportedly imprisoned every mid-major in his Army after heavily favored Arizona lost to a Colonial Conference team in the 2nd round.

And this year is no different.  According to anonymous sources found on a college blog, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il (a noted NBA fan) is having a helluva run in this year’s tourney, with 15 of 16 teams still alive, and his entire Final Four intact.  Said Kim, through an unconfirmed spokesman, “That Louisville game almost f***ed me.  And thank your ill-chosen God that I picked Zona.”

When pressed on how sports might help thaw relations between North Korea and US, Kim hesitated, and then conceded, “If Pitt beats Memphis in the final… I promise I’ll stop nuclear testing for at least a week.  See, I’m not unreasonable.”

Then, when asked if he would attend this year’s championship game in Detroit, if he had a shot to win, the little ball of hate replied, “Pyongyang is no treat, but it’s better than Motown.  Oh, and as to will I win my pool?  I’m the supreme commander, I always win.”

Kim continued, but his response was muffled by the maniacal laughter that all tyrants must have.

PHOENIX, AZ – Charles Barkley was spotted on another law-breaking ride, with a familiar passenger in tow!

After being arrested on December 31st for DUI, it was expected that Charles Barkley would lay low for awhile. But the former basketball player turned liberal commentator was photographed driving through the Arizona countryside with Bat Boy shrieking through the open-top convertible.

Gila County Police were not happy with Barkley’s apparent driving conduct. Chief Lenny Williams stated, “We have no evidence of whether Mr. Barkley was driving under the influence, or even driving over the speed limit. We are most concerned with the fact that the shirtless child in the passenger seat was not wearing a seat belt.

“It’s state law that children age 16 and under must wear a seat belt when riding in the front vehicle seat. Mutant or not, Mr. Barkley was in charge of him and he failed. This only confirms his statements early in his career that athletes should not be role models.”

Weekly World News was not able to secure a statement from Barkley on how he knows Bat Boy, but Bat Boy seems to associate himself with celebrities who look like him, such as James Blake and Mena Suvari.

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

PHOENIX, AZ – With his presidential bid seen as lost, John McCain is putting a Flux Capacitor on the Straight Talk Express. It appears that the GOP is resorting to time travel to secure the election.  McCain is expected to travel back in time later this evening and change several strategies of his earlier campaign.

Campaign officials have gone on record assuring voters that the time machine is eco-friendly and will run on all natural fusion from renewable Venusian grade Dark Matter.

There is much speculation about what strategic changes McCain will make, including whether he will pick a new running mate.  When asked about having her relevancy erased from existence, Palin instead talked about American Exceptionalism and rural anecdotes.

A functional time machine is currently being installed by the MIT Motor-Shop class who put the hydraulics, hover-conversion, and 13” sub-woofers on Stephen Hawking’s motorized chair.  McCain hopes the new “Tricked Out” look will help him appeal to younger voters.

Further changes in the timeline are not expected by the Arizona senator as the Republican campaign can only afford enough fuel to send him back roughly three months.

SVALBARD, NORWAY – Cindy McCain will return to her ice kingdom following the November elections should her husband not be victorious.

Longstanding rumors allege Mrs. McCain has difficulties remaining for long periods of time in the hot temperatures of Arizona and Washington DC’s summer seasons.

Mrs. McCain, heiress to an American beer fortune, is also the Queen of Svalbard, the northernmost province of Norway.  Although the archipelago is technically part of Norway, the Norwegian government leaves all authority over the province to Mrs. McCain.

“We have treaties and we have an armistice line.  We don’t cross and thank heavens those creatures don’t cross either,” Morten Wetland, Norway’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations said through a translator.

The creatures that Wetland refers to, in addition to Mrs. McCain herself, include The United Tribes of the Three Polar Bear Legions as well as the Worg Enclave and the Sasquatch Nation.

While under McCain’s despotic rule, peace has been achieved among the bears, wolves and sasquatches.  In Wetland’s own words, “Thank the heavens the Ice Witch does not turn her icy glare south. “

Should Senator McCain lose his bid for the presidency, it is feared that Mrs. McCain will mobilize her minions from the ice kingdom to wage a war of revenge against America and her allies.

Stay tuned for updates as they become available.

SAFFORD, AZ. – A fugitive’s abduction by aliens has prompted a hasty interstellar extradition treaty, now under review by the U.S. Senate.

The abduction disrupted a high-speed police chase along Interstate 70. Police cornered the fugitive, thirty-seven year old Jonathan Lee Walden, but his stolen SUV suddenly vanished from the highway.

“I saw some kind of metal craft hovering over the truck, then there was this intense white beam, and the truck disappeared,” said one eyewitness.

Two leaked documents revealed a new law enforcement authority called ‘Interplanetpol.’  Government officials denied that any non-terrestrial extradition treaty was in the works.

A Weekly World News source reported that members of the President’s staff have extensively briefed Ambassador Richard L. Zlevin on US-extraterrestrial relations, and have reserved broadcast time on the Federal Radio Observatory’s Red Bank transmitter for treaty negotiations.

When asked at a recent debate how the situation should be dealt with, Presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama explained, “Regardless of what Mr. Walden was serving time for, he should be dealt with in a terrestrial system, and not by some invading force with no authority. The aliens should be ready for us to retrieve him, with or without their consent.”

Presidential nominee Senator John McCain rolled his eyes in response. “I’ve been a prisoner, so I would know exactly how to deal with this kind of sensitive situation. Not guns a blazin’ like that one over there,” he stated as he gestured at Obama.

Given that aliens have had a certain affinity for Senator McCain’s wife, it may be advantageous for Walden if McCain were to win the election.

PHOENIX, AZ – At age 13, the mysterious Bat Boy’s hormones are apparently kicking in — he’s developed a crush on Senator John McCain’s daughter Meghan!

Ms. McCain’s security team say the half-human, half-bat mutant has made repeated attempts to see the young beauty — and whined “like a sad dog” when he was shooed away!

These Secret Service agents believe Bat Boy — who has bitten and attacked people in the past – to be a potential threat and don’t want the bizarre, pointy-eared youth anywhere near Meghan.

“We are taking this matter very, very seriously,” said a Secret Service source who insisted upon anonymity. “This may sound like an innocent case of ‘puppy love,’ but we are concerned that we may have a stalker on our hands.”

Dr. Ron Dillon, the scientist who originally discovered Bat Boy, strongly believes that the agents are blowing this out of proportion. “Bat Boy is absolutely not a stalker, he wouldn’t harm a hair on Meghan McCain’s head.

“He is clearly in love for the first time in his life and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Don’t you remember how that felt? Now imagine that AND being a half-bat mutant. Puberty is Bat Boy’s biggest challenge yet.”

The bat-like creature has continued to elude the authorities. Law enforcement officials were stunned when he snuck in to a recent book signing for “My Dad, John McCain” and tried to talk to Meghan.

“Apparently, he saw her chatting with Jay Leno on TV and became fixated on her,” said the Secret Service source. “We believe he has tracked her cross-country on her campaign trail, using his superior hearing and sense of smell.”

Agents say the pint-size creature has tried to see Meghan at least three times, most recently when he showed up beneath her hotel window with guitar in hand and screeched what may have been Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”.

Given his shaky grasp on English, it did not go over well.