I’m madder than an astronaut who’s run out of Tang!

When I heard it was the anniversary of the moonwalk, I thought, Oh no: not more on that Michael Jackson nutcase!

But then I remembered! It was forty years ago that I sat up all night with my wife, staring at the TV, and turned to her about 3 in the morning and said, “So where the hell are the green, bug-eyed monsters?”

What a let down. But I never cared much for this whole space program, anyhow. First off, it was that damn Kennedy’s idea – probably another scam by his old man and the Mafia to smuggle booze, this time to the Martians. If Kennedy had lived, there’d be a casino up there by now.

I never trusted Kennedy with this “man on the moon” thing. I mean, the guy screwed up landing a handful of guys on a Cuban beach!

You probably thought old Ed was one of those idiots who think they faked landing on the moon, and just filmed it in Hollywood. Well, that’s crazy! Everybody knows it was really a plot to get us all to buy new television sets, so we could watch the stupid thing – then keep watching all their advertising for the next forty years.

Zillions of dollars were dumped into this NASA thing, and for what? Some crappy pictures on my television, and fake orange juice. Otherwise, a bunch of mice got to go on a fancy airplane ride!

My fellow Americans, we must shut down this make-work project for nerds! Unless NASA coughs up a real live space alien in 24 hours, I want my money back!

WASHINGTON, DC – A noted scientist has just produced proof that the lunar surface was inhabited by intelligent life: a 10-inch angel sculpture embedded in a moon rock.

Geologist Dr. Morris Charles revealed last week that NASA lab workers chipped the angel from one of the rocks brought to Earth by Apollo 11 astronauts 40 years ago, in 1969. Dr. Charles was a NASA scientist himself for 23 years but left the agency in 1987. He still maintains close ties to many of his former colleagues.

“The implications of this figurine are absolutely mind-boggling,” Dr. Charles told reporters. “It means that at one time the moon had an atmosphere conducive to life. And what’s more, it was once home to a sophisticated race of people with a highly refined sense of beauty.”

The angel – a humanoid female with wing-like appendages on her back and long flowing hair – is made of an iron compound found exclusively in the highlands of the moon.

This rules out the possibility that it was dropped by a race of aliens from another planet. It’s been hand polished to a silvery metallic sheen. Based on chemical analysis of the metal, geologists estimate the sculpture to be 200,000 years old which means it was made 170,000 years before the human species appeared on Earth.

It’s been examined by art experts who concur with Dr. Charles’ appraisal of the culture that produced it. “Clearly these beings had a sense of religion that parallels our Christianity. Perhaps they had a Jesus of their own, proving that the important spiritual principles are, in a very literal sense, universal,” said a Washington anthropologist.

Others are not so sure of its religious significance. Dr. Miles Fredericks of New York University countered, “This is just more Christian propaganda. The Sumerians told stories of the Annunaki, winged deities, as far back as 18th century BC. Maybe the Sumerians were visited by these moon beings, who merely modeled the statue after their own image.”

While many ponder the significance of the figure, others are curious about why it has remained a secret for so long. “The artifact has been common knowledge among NASA insiders for years,” said Dr. Charles. “But space agency higher-ups have kept the information highly classified, fearing world-wide panic. It was smuggled out to me by persons who must, for obvious reasons, remain anonymous.”

NASA officially denies Dr. Charles’ allegations. The statue was displayed to photographers and newsmen but is now being held for further study at an undisclosed location.