HOBOKEN, NJ – Chris Christie returned to NJ from The Reagan Library and took part in the annual Hoboken Donut Eating Contest… and he won!

Chris Christie – often referred to as Christie Kreme on the donut-eating circuit, is still denying that he is running for President of the United States, but he is NOT denying that he is the greatest donut eater in the world.

“Christie Kreme, the donut machine,” is the Governor’s slogan.  “He can eat over three dozen donuts in fifteen minutes, four dozen if he doesn’t have his usually 25 breakfast pancakes to start the day,” said New Jersey Lieutenant Governor, Kim Guadagno.

Christie went up against The Jelly Man, Vinny Grimaldi, of Bayonne. Grimaldi has been Christie’s toughest competitor for the last five years, though the Governor has won the contest every year.

Christie is particularly good at eating Chocolate Glazed Donuts without chewing. “He just pops a chocolate glazed, or a marble frosted donut in his mouth and it just kind of slides down to his belly. He’s amazing,” said Donut-Eating Reporter, Sal Provenza.

Some say that the reason that Christie doesn’t want to run for President is that he may have to give up his donut eating. “Americans want a healthy President and one that will lecture them on eating fruits and vegetables,” said Democratic Strategist Kirsten Powers. “Christie probably doesn’t think he can make it without his donuts.”

A number of Republicans are still begging Christie to run for President. But Christie keeps saying no. “The Republicans are going to have to stop asking him and have to drag him into the rest. It’s going to take a lot of Republicans to drag him, but they are a number that have some weightlifting background.”

There are a number of citizens that think poking fun about Christie’s weight is Politically Incorrect. Those citizens want Christie to be President.”

While eating three powdered donuts in his car after the Donut Eating Contest, Christie did talk to WWN about running for office. “Look, my heart is not in it. Neither is my brain. My stomach isn’t into it either. But I do like people begging me and if they keep begging me and I keep saying no, then they’ll keep begging me and I can feel good about myself and then I’ll tease them and say that I might run, and then I’ll say no, and then they’ll beg some more. This whole thing is a blast. I love screwing with Republicans and the American people. I love it.”

And with that he threw a jelly donut in the air. He got under it and swallowed it whole. Now THAT’S presidential material…

You all can keep your Michelle Obama, with her fake smile and angry eyeballs and ropey arms!

As far as I’m concerned, the real First Lady of the U. S. of A. is the other Michelle – Michelle Malkin!

If you don’t know, because you’re either a commie hippie or a dingbat, Miss Michelle is a famous lady writer who’s as smart as a kennel full of border collies but a hundred times prettier!

I buy all her books, even if they’re sometimes too hard for me to figure out all the way through. I keep Miss Michelle’s books in the bathroom and read them a little bit at a time – or at a stretch, if my wife’s made her prize-winning prune whip again!

Michelle Malkin’s first book was “Lock ‘Em Up and Throw Away the Key!”, which was really good. The next one, “Looneybin Liberals Belong in the Crazy House!” was even better.

But Miss Michelle’s brand new book is her best ever. It’s called “Obama is a Crooked Commie Pinko From Chicago and So Are All His Damn Crazy Friends!!”

I bought it brand new and didn’t even wait for the paperback, so it had to be good! And it sure was, from what I could figure out!

I said before how much I love smart and beautiful lady writer Miss Ann Coulter, and I still do. But  lately Miss Michelle Malkin has stolen this old man’s shriveled up heart!

I’m glad FOX News puts Miss Michelle on TV every day now – it keeps Obama’s face from burning into my new plasmatic TV like he did the old one. (And he still hasn’t paid me for the replacement, dammit!)

So Miss Michelle, if you’re reading this: I pledge my love for you! Just don’t tell Mrs. Anger!! She might put something funny in my prune whip!

HARTFORD, CT – Weekly World News investigators have discovered that Ann Coulter may actually be a man. The Connecticut Elections Enforcement Commission is currently making a “thorough investigation” on whether Coulter committed fraud by registering in the Nutmeg State as a woman.

WWN investigators were tipped off by Coulterwatch.com blogger Stan Butcherson.  Coulter has accused Butcherson of being “crazy” and “a stalker” who is “out to destroy” her. Butcherson said “No, I just saw her in a parking lot once.  She was buying nachos, and she had a huge Adam’s apple.”

Butcherson’s observation has instigated an investigation which may lead to criminal charges against the popular commentator.

The Weekly World News has uncovered the birth certificate of an Anthony B. Coulter, born December 8, 1961.  Before enrolling in Cornell University, there are no records of Ann Coulter in her hometown of New Canaan, CT.  However several teachers in the area remember a skinny young boy who would turn in papers citing himself as an academic source.

It is suspected that Anthony realized he wanted to live life as a woman while attending his first Grateful Dead concert in the summer before beginning college.  Coulter continues to be an avid Grateful Dead fan, and their concerts are the only time strangers are permitted to look her directly in the eye.

Most recently Coulter has appeared on Fox News to criticize President Obama’s stimulus package as an economic expert, despite having no economics credentials whatsoever.

Connecticut officials are expected to make a ruling on the fraud accusations within the week.

Whether the GOP will reject her status as Arch-Bishop of Conservativism for being transgendered has yet to be seen.

I’m madder than a bulimic with a broken finger over this whole Ann Coulter business.

First, NBC banned the red-white-and-blue-blooded book babe “for life” from all TV shows, all on account of her saying stuff about our new Communist-in-Chief with the funny name. (Though I think they were more mad about what she was saying about the suckers in the Midstream Media!)

That caused such a ruckus that NBC up and had her back on TV the very next day. Ha! What kind of broadcaster bans broads, anyhow?

Miss Ann Coulter just wanted to talk about her new book, “Assault: Guilty White Liberal Traitors and Their War Against America.” I’ve read each and every one of Ann Coulter’s other books – “Shut Up or I’ll Kill You!”, and my favorite, “Bite My Bony Butt, Gay Boy!” – and they really help you win all those fights about politics you get into with stupid liberals, mostly on account of how the hardcover versions leave a hell of a dent on their foreheads.

Miss Coulter reminds me of that other fine lady, the late great Esther Schenectady, who ran the very first conservative think tank, the American Institution Institute. Back in the good old days, Esther ran the “Impeach Eisenhower” campaign, and led the movement against the government putting that fluoride stuff in the water supply. (Her slogan: “Today your teeth. Tomorrow your mind!”)

Today we have the great Ann Coulter to lead us, my fellow Americans. Liberals hate her and that’s good enough for me. And if you don’t agree, you might as well tinkle on the Washington Monument, you lice headed pinko!

NEW YORK, NY – NBC’s Today Show regretted re-booking right wing pundit, Ann Coulter, after the controversial writer went into overload on live television.

This marks the first time one of the rumored Hate-Monger 3000 androids has outed itself in public.  Coulter, along with Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, has long been suspected of being a robot programmed to spew hate-filled rhetoric into the public discourse.

During the Today Show interview, Coulter was asked why she spends so much time criticizing First-Lady-Elect Michelle Obama’s personal style at a time when America needs real dialogue on the economy and domestic affairs.

Coulter eyes widened and her head made three abrupt jerking motions.  Smoke began billowing from her ears before she began an almost unintelligible rant.

“Liberal bias!  Liars!  Guilty!  Guilty! Guilty!” Coulter yelled.  “Republican victims!  Conspiracies!”

The rant, laden with censorship bleeps, was cut off as Today Show hosts Matt Lauer and Ann Curry quickly took the show to commercial.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like that,” Today Show veteran Willard Scott said in his Smuckers Birthday Wishes segment of the program.  “I’m out here wishing happy birthday to century year old ladies that make more sense than that broad.”

“She may be prettier than a sun-tanned turkey laying face up on the bright side of the pig pen, but that woman just doesn’t make any sense!  And a happy 101st Birthday to Ida Mae Simmons of Grand Rapids, Michigan!”

SMITHDALE, VA – Since their defeat on Election Day, Republicans have questioned what will be the new direction of their party.

The party has been divided since John McCain’s defeat, searching for a figurehead to lead the charge against the democratic majority in Washington.

Karl Rove held a conference in his mountaintop castle to summon the next great conservative leader.

Rove, who acted as President Bush’s top advisor for years, has been communing with the dead and making deals with dark forces in his search for ways to secure Republican power.

A breakthrough was made on Tuesday and the political commentator sent notes attached to the legs of ravens requesting the presence of top conservatives.

Under Wednesday’s full moon, heads of the Republican Party gathered in a dark ritual to summon their next leader.

A séance was held with Pro-Life leaders and Focus on the Family members seated around the bones of Joseph McCarthy. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh used a Ouija board to contact the spirit of Ronald Reagan. Copies of the Drudge Report were smeared with chicken’s blood and read backwards. Newt Gingrich attended via telecom. A dozen Young Republican virgins were sacrificed so Ann Coulter could bathe in their blood. At the stroke of midnight, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, culminating the séance and hopefully opening a portal to summon the next great conservative leader.

The ritual failed, however, due to John Ashcroft substituting ketchup when they had run out of chicken’s blood.

It is believed Republicans will repeat this and other rituals until they find their parties next leader.

Current President Bush spent Wednesday evening at home playing Xbox.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3826/gop-gathers-to-summon-next-leader/feed/ 0 Reginald Cunningham III conservativeseance