NEW YORK -  Authorities are dealing with a unique health in Manhattan:  wild possum are terrorizing residents!

Wild possum have been spotted all over Manhattan and have attacked numerous residents – many who have been taken to New York hospitals and treated for multiple possum bites, rabies and several other possum-related diseases.

A number of possum have been spotted on subways – particularly the D, F and B trains.  Strangely, though the possums have only been spotted in Manhattan, so they seem to get off the trains before heading to Queens or Brooklyn.

Last straphangers on the D train were shocked to see a herd of possum attacking an elderly man.  “They was chewing on his face and hands.  We tried to beat them off, but there was too many of them and they was attacking everybody after that,” said Rodney Williams of Manhattan.

Authorities captured a few of the creatures and brought them back to the crime lab in Manhattan.  “We had a tough time identifying them at first.  Some of us thought they were big rats, but then we knew they were possum, but we debated for hours whether they were possum or opossum.”    One NYPD officer told WWN that the he was instructed that the “white devil” opossums were more deadly and dangerous than the regular darker skinned possum.  “We want all citizens to look out for the white devils.”

The intrepid marsupials are sneaky.  They usually curl up under seats, close radiator, and seem to like the “feel” of moving trains.  Here’s a photo taken after an entire D train was attacked.

Opossums tend to like trees. They are not big burrowers, although they have been known to venture below ground in search of food or warmth. And unlike rats or pigeons, they do not commonly carouse within the city’s mass transit system.

But the opossum, as it turns out, is a nomadic creature — and if they feel “threatened”, they will attack.  “We think they are more dangerous than the Honey Badger,” said Marsupial Specialist, Tanya Redmondi.

Officials from New York Animal Control are inundated with “possum sightings” and are trying to keep up with the calls.  “We have asked the federal government for help,” said Amir Blasov from Animal Control.  “They said they would be sending help and have the National Guard ready to roll in and protect our citizens.”

Beware the possum!

SEATTLE, WA – A dead cow washes ashore with the Mark of the Alien

Late last week a 400-pound cow washed ashore in West Seattle. The animal beached itself near the 5900 block of Beach Drive on Wednesday, Feb. 2. The cow was discovered by two children who were skipping down the beach, hand in hand, singing “Old McDonald Had a Farm”. The two youngsters literally tripped over the beached bovine, both taking face plants in the sand. Upon noticing the dead cow, they immediately screamed and ran home to get their mommy.

Cindy Townson, mother of the two children, unable to believe the story, went to the location where the children found the animal and was instantly concerned by what she saw. Townson, who sits on the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials, took immediate note of The Mark of the Alien that she saw on the hind quarters of the cow.  Townson decided to call WWN today to insure that the public would know of the discovery.

“We have seen this mark before and just recently too, with the mass killings of the fish and birds last month,” explained Townson over the phone, “What concerns me most by this is that the aliens have moved up in the animal kingdom.”

Townson went on to explain that the aliens are clearly getting closer to beginning their all out assault on mankind since they have now figured out how to kill more complex organisms.

“I see this cow as a sign from the aliens, similar to that of when studio head Jack Woltz wakes up to find the severed head of a horse next to him in bed, like in the Godfather. This is most certainly a message being sent to us that the invasion is imminent and forthcoming,” stated Townson, “All inhabitants of earth need to be aware of this. We must stay vigilant if we want to survive this invasion.”

Later that same day the Seattle Police Department Harbor Patrol came by and towed the animal away with a Police boat to the Don Armeni boat ramp where it was picked up by Animal Control.

Authorities are trying to cover up the alien invasion by reporting that the owner of the cow must have dumped the carcass into the Puget Sound after the bovine had died of natural causes. But thanks to Townson’s willingness to share her knowledge we know differently.

EAST RIDGE, TN – A young boy had the misfortune of discovering the world’s fattest spider monkey sitting in his back yard!

Four year old Elijah Gutierrez was looking out of his window when he told his mother he saw a monkey sitting in the grass. Ms. Gutierrez was shocked to see he was right! She called Animal Control, who captured and soon returned the chunky monkey to its owners.

The reason for his weight issues? He just loves those little debbies!