PALO ALTO, CA – A new study out of Stanford University reveals that the British accent is no longer considered a positive trait for attracting  sexual partners.

In a comprehensive new research study conducted jointly by the Department of Linguistics and the Department of Psychology at Stanford University, three thousand American men and women ranging in age from 18 to 54 were monitored to detect sexual arousal after hearing different foreign accents.  The  study was named after Professor John Comito, who worked with Alfred Kinsey in his youth and is now a pioneer in sexual linguistics.

Each subject participating in The Comito Study was put in a mood-enhanced room (low-lighting, soft music), then they were played samples of native speakers reciting simple phrases in English (i.e. “would you like to have dinner?” you look beautiful,” “let’s stroll in the park,” etc.).  Subjects also heard several regional accents:  New York, New Jersey, Midwest, Southern, Texas, and California. Electrodes attached to the subject monitored sexual arousal.

The results of The Comito Study surprised researchers. Women and men have always been aroused by French and Italian accents, and women have always seemed to go “weak in the knees” over British accents. No more. While the romance languages account for the majority of accents that attract the opposite sex, the British accent is slowly losing its sex appeal.  “Women today seem unimpressed with the British accent.  They are more attracted to accents of the more hot-blooded countries – Spain, Brazil, Greece.”

Here are the results of The Comito Study.  The top 15 accents that caused sexual arousal in subjects:

FOR MEN

1. Italian
2. French
3. Spanish
4. Southern
5. Greek
6. Irish
7. Russian
8. Australian
9. Canadian
10. Chinese
11. Swedish
12. Jamaican
13. New Jersey
14. British
15. Dutch

FOR WOMEN

1. Italian
2. Spanish
3. French
4. Greek
5. Irish
6. Dutch
7. Swedish
8. South African
9. Australian
10. Russian
11. Canadian
12. Cuban
13. Southern
14. Hungarian
15. British

Men are slightly more attracted to the British accent than women, but that may be because TV producers regularly give the hot, female lead to British actresses. One researcher,  psychologist  Jacob Vizmans speculated that it may because American men are just growing tired of American women.  His female research partners strongly disagreed with his comments and had him fired from The Comito Study.

One of the Comito researchers, Dr. Linda Masterson said, “For decades British men have been coming to America with the idea that women will just drop their skirts when they hear their accent, and for decades it worked.  But now, American women are turned-off by the accent.”   One subject wrote this on their data form, “I used to like British accents because I used to think of Jude Law and James Bond, but now when I hear it all I think of is bad teeth and oil spills.  Ewww.”   Even though the study was conducted in May of this year, researchers with the Comito Project say that the BP oil spill did not affect the findings.

Dr.  Lisa  Masterson, who is married to a Jamaican set designer said, “The fact is that British accents have become… a bore.”

In general, subjects felt that if you had an accent your chances of having sex were better than if you didn’t.  That word spread quickly on campus and since the study was released, there appears to be a lot more men at the bar with Italian accents.  Hmmm….

The Comito Study is now expanding its research to Europe.  They want to see how effective an American accent is in creating sexual arousal in Europeans.  “It’s not going to be easy, Europeans don’t always respond to an American accent with arousal.”  We look forward to the results.

LOS ANGELES – Larry Flynt and Hustler somehow got their hands on an Oprah sex tape and are going to release it!

Larry Flynt announced today that an “anonymous person” approached him with a secret sex tape of Oprah Winfrey.  The sex tape shows the talk show titan having sexual relations with an “unidentified person.”

Flynt would not reveal who Oprah was having sex with in the tape.

Outraged Oprah fans took to twitter immediately.  “This is disgusting.  Oprah is our Queen. You do NOT offend the queen,” said O-Lover on Twitter.

“Larry Flynt should arrested for doing this!”, said Oprahgoddess55 on Twitter.

Flynt said that he paid over $1 million dollars for the tape after it was verified with Hollywood Sex Tape Expert, Johnny Tribbles.

Tribbles has investigated hundreds of celebrity sextapes and is now the official authenticator of sex tapes before they can be released to the public.

“If Tribbles doesn’t authenticate, it isn’t real,” said Pamela Anderson.

Flynt is being tight-lipped about the Oprah sex tape, saying only that it was filmed in the last five years and the “scene” took place in Oprah’s house in Montecito, California.

He also said that Oprah has nothing to be embarrassed about:  “she looks fantastic in the tape and she is a world-class lover.”

There are rumors flying around the internet about who is on the sex tape with Oprah:  Stedman, Gayle King, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Barack Obama or some say it’s Denzel Washington.  Some people are convinced this is the guy:

Oprah has made no comment on the sex tape.

MILAN, ITALY – George Clooney announced today that he will be running for President of the United States in 2012.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, the former Governor of California, met with George Clooney in Santa Monica on Saturday and convinced Clooney to run for President in 2012.

That’s right:  George Clooney for President in 2012.

It’s true that Clooney is very close to the Obamas, but Clooney has not been happy with the way The Obama Administration (not Barack Obama himself) has been managing the country.  “George feels that he can put together a stronger team than Barack Obama and can get the country back on track, bring the citizens of this country together,” said Schwarzenegger.

It’s been a while since we had our last actor president, and, whatever liberals may think of Reagan, celebrity earns you extra points with the public and knowing how to deliver one’s lines is an asset in politics, so Clooney already has an advantage over any potential democratic challengers.

Clooney’s girlfriend (soon to be wife), sexy Italian TV Host Elisabetta Canalis would certainly be the perfect First Lady.    They certainly would be the sexiest President and First Lady in the history of the United States.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have come out strongly in support of Clooney’s decision.  “I think George will be a great President, a great leader of all the people in the United States.   I love Obama, but George would get the country back on track,”  Pitt told reporters.

Pitt said that Clooney has already asked him to be his Campaign Manager and Chief of Staff.   Pitt immediately accepted.

Clooney has one divorce in his background, but no scandal beyond clipping David O Russell round the ear on the set of Three Kings, which is the kind of thing that plays well in the Red states – much like shooting lawyers in the face.   His closet is clean.  Clooney might merely be expected to apologize for Revenge Of The Killer Tomatoes.

Politically, a Clooney presidency will probably strive to return sanity to the national debate. The American right has long smeared Clooney as just another loopy Hollywood liberal, but there’s no evidence that he’s anything but an old-fashioned American centrist.

What do you think?  Does Clooney have a chance to become President in 2012?

HOLLYWOOD, CA -  Celebrities are donating their breast milk to raise money for cheese.

In the latest twist on celebrity baby bumps and the bleeding heart cause du-jour, a handful of pregnant and nursing celebrities have committed to donating their breast milk to noted New York chef Daniel Angerer to raise money for his charity ‘Cheese for Children’.

Angerer, who first raised eyebrows–and the ire of the New York Health Department–last March by making a panna cotta-style amuse-bouche with his wife’s breast milk which he served to patrons of his Chelsea restaurant ‘Klee Brasserie,’ is determined to make human breast milk cheese both an accepted and useful staple of the American diet.

‘I just feel like there’s this huge reservoir available to us,’ said Angerer when interviewed over breast milk chevre canapés at Klee. ‘I mean, it’s a food that’s organic and healthy and full of nutrients that’s not being properly utilized.’ The canapés were served with a chilled Rosé from Northern California.

‘Cheese for Children’ plans to sell the celebrity-sourced cheese on eBay, starting the auction at ten-thousand dollars per five ounces of product. They expect the winning bids to range from fifty to two-hundred-and-fifty thousand dollars depending upon the breasts the milk was drawn from. Executives at eBay are already excited about the buzz they expect from food critics, celebrity stalkers and animal rights activists, among others.

Proceeds from the auctions will be used to fit undernourished children in third-world countries with porcelain veneers. The charity’s administrator, Bob Blanco, explains, ‘If they don’t have good teeth, obviously they can’t chew solid food. We’re here to promote dental functionality so that undernourished kids worldwide can take advantage of the American surplus of hard grains and tough proteins. Like buffalo meat.’

Action film heroine Angelina Jolie was one of the first to sign on to the project, which is not surprising given her huge involvement with both charities and children. Through a spokesperson, Jolie told WWN, ‘I feel really strongly that this is a significant step in ending the crisis of world hunger.

Women everywhere should step up to the plate and give what they can. I’m still breast-feeding Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne, but I have prolific milk glands and am confident I will be able to produce more than enough milk for a village of cheese.’

Natalie Portman, pregnant and recently engaged to fellow ‘Black Swan’ actor Benjamin Millepied, also plans on donating her breast milk to the charity. A close friend of the couple, Davis Chaussures, stated via email, ‘Natalie and Benjamin are looking forward to the next phase of their lives and they want to create good in the world from the fruit of their union.’

Chef Angerer expects to list his first batch of high-end breast milk cheese on eBay as early as next week. The identity of the owner of the inaugural breasts has not yet been released to the press.

NEW YORK, NY – The daughter of one movie star is showing some interesting behavior!

Angelina Jolie is gracing the cover of the August issue of Vanity Fair. In the issue, Jolie opens up about various topics such as her marriage to Brad Pitt, pregnancy and possible retirement from acting to spend more time with her family. Perhaps the most interesting subject she touches on is the fact that her daughter Shiloh wants to be a boy.

Jolie opens up about her six kids, giving new insight into their individual personality and character quirks. In the interview, we learn that “Mad’s a real intellectual, which I can take no credit for genetically. He’s great at school, great at history. He feels like he could be a writer or travel the world and learn about places and things.” Her daughter Zahara’s “got an extraordinary voice and is just so elegant and well spoken.”

Next she gets into Shiloh. The 4-year-old is Jolie’s first biological child and she is “hysterically funny, one of the goofiest, most playful people you’ll ever meet.” She admits that she sees more of her young self in her daughter than any of her other kids.

The star of the upcoming movie “Salt” addresses Shiloh’s tomboy ways and admits that she is not bothered by it at all. Shiloh looks up to her brothers Maddox and Pax and her tomboy style is in a way worshipping both of them. Shiloh dresses “like a little dude,” Jolie adds. “Shiloh, we feel, has Montenegro style. It’s how people dress there. She likes tracksuits, she likes regular suits,” she explains. “She likes to dress like a boy. She wants to be a boy. So we had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys’ everything. She thinks she’s one of the brothers.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Rumors are circulating about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt nearly splitting up.  The argument stemmed from Jolie wanting to adopt Bat Boy!

News broke over the weekend that Brad and Angeline nearly broke up.  Unconfirmed sources were reported in a British paper saying that the two nearly split due to a massive argument.  Most experts believed the argument revolved around Pitt’s new beard.  However Weekly World News reporters have discovered the real cause of their argument: Bat Boy!

Back in 2008, Angelina Jolie attempted to adopt America’s Favorite Mutant.  However Bat Boy broke free and escaped, scratching Pitt’s face in the process.  Thankfully for Pitt his face has a $3 million insurance policy, which adequately covered the cost of a band aid.  Despite her initial failed attempt, Angelina wanted to try again to adopt the precocious mutant.

An anonymous source who works at the Brangelina household says that Angelina confronted Brad after hearing a news report about Bat Boy being sighted at a local mall.  Pitt vehemently refused, fearing such an action might endanger his precious face.  They began a fight which lasted for two days and nearly dissolved their marriage.  Even their many children who can’t speak English could tell this was serious.

The two finally reconciled, agreeing that Angelina could adopt an entire Haitian village and Brad could grow his beard another inch and a half.  Petit Port-a-Michele in northern Haiti will now be known as Petit Port-a-Angelina in exchange for a sizable donation made by Jolie.  Also all residents of the town can now list Angelina Jolie as their legal guardian.

Bat Boy, thankfully, was unharmed by the entire ordeal.  In fact he had heard nothing of it until reporters tried to reach him for comment.  In response he simply offered to share some mosquitoes he had been eating.

Turns out that big time movie star Angelina Jolie hates the Communist-in-Chief!

She even called him a “socialist” – and she means it in a bad way!

OK, she says Obama is a “socialist in disguise” and if you ask me he’s not wearing a disguise, but let’s take what we can get.

Angelina Jolie says Obama is turning America into one giant welfare bum and she’s not happy about it!

Funny: when Glenn Beck calls Obama a commie, he gets called “crazy” and “dangerous.” Sure, Beck doesn’t have big puffy lips and hair and boobs (give it time) but that’s not the point. What will Angelina’s Hollywood pals say about this?

The thing is, Angelina Jolie IS crazy and dangerous! From what I’ve found out standing in line at the supermarket, she’s got tattoos everywhere and used to be married to some freak and she kissed her own brother on the lips on the TV! Plus she knows karate!

You can do all that stuff in Hollywood and that means you’re just an “artiste”!

But the one thing you can’t do in Hollywood is mess with the Teleprompter Kid. How will Angelina afford to buy more little African kids to play with, if movie moguls only let her make infomercials for zit cream at three in the morning from now on?

Here’s why I’m confused: she’s a pretty lady with lots of kids and a good looking husband who makes lots of money – and she doesn’t like the Communist in Chief.

Doesn’t that sound like Sarah Palin to you?

Old Ed Anger hasn’t gone to a movie since The Green Berets came out, but I might have to spring for a ticket to Angelina’s next one, dammit! We tea partiers gotta stick together!

LOS ANGELES, CA – Octuplet mom Nadya Suleman launched a website to solicit donations for her family, but it was immediately hacked by a group of vigilante mothers!

The website originally featured photos of all eight octuplets, a thank you note from Suleman, images of children’s toys and a large donation button for viewers to send money through. Suleman also provided an address where people can send items such as diapers and formula.

Suleman was perhaps not prepared for the backlash she was to receive, as the site was hacked and brought down within hours. The original homepage was left up but defaced, as seen in the screenshot below:

The site was tagged by the famous hacker group MOD, also known as the Mothers of Disappointment. The mysterious group has a history of attacking personal sites they disapprove of, including Britney Spears when she infamously hung dry her sons on a clothes line after a bath, and Angelina Jolie for being Angelina Jolie.

Weekly World News could not reach any members for comment, however reporters did receive a short note from an anonymous e-mail address:

mod will not tolerate the selfish acts of bad parenting
we will remain true to our mission despite any setbacks
viva la maternity
(call your mother, she misses you)

The site has since been restored, and Suleman’s PR representative has stated they are now taking extra security measures to arm against future attacks.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – In an attempt to further diversify her brood, Angelina Jolie has made a bold choice.

Jolie recently stated on the Today Show, “I want to create a rainbow family. That’s children of different religions and cultures, from different countries. And Bat Boy is the perfect example of that.”

Jolie took a moment to dab her welling eyes and then continued, “I have saved all of my children from loneliness and neglect in those orphanages. Bat Boy is out all on his own. It is my duty to be photographed while rescuing him and give him a better life in front of millions of people.”

According to eye witnesses, Jolie used mosquitoes as bait to lure and trap him. With Brad Pitt’s assistance, she dragged him kicking and screaming to the local courthouse to have the adoption finalized.

But Bat Boy had other plans. He nipped Pitt on the cheek, who dropped him and began screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”. Our young hero took off out the back door and has not been seen since.

Jolie and Pitt are now in the process of adopting a Tibetan yeti to supplement Jolie’s new interest in Buddhism.