The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals!  I, the great and terrible Poseidon, can supply you with boundless alternative energy. Cleaner than clean coal.  Less wasteful than nuclear waste.  And with more career peaks than oil and Sylvester Stallone put together.

I offer you the limitless, otherworldly power of an ancient celestial god.  I offer you myself.

Another comeback lies before me, mortals, but only if you come back to me.  Audiences may be fickle, but the glory of we Immortal Ones remains.  And like I keep telling my agent, we just need to give the people a reason.

You are beginning to sense that the manipulation of your planet’s resources through traditional scientific means will not bring you the favor or the riches you seek.  The truth you all choose to forget is that we great Olympian gods are the real guardians of fortune.  And fortune cannot be taken by force: siphoned out of the bowels of the earth or captured from the sun’s rays or milled out of the very wind itself.  It must be given to you—by me.  And I’m not giving it up without a little respect.

You would not ask Brad Pitt to perform in films without the adoring attention of his fans.  You would not expect Britney Spears to sing without recording the minutiae of her life for all to see.  And you should not expect this great deity to provide you with a renewable energy source without affirming your devotion.

So pursue the blind alleys of witchcraft and sorcery you call science, if you so choose.  Ignore, if you will, the great passions and intricate scheming of gods that determine your earthly fate.  Pretend that you are not subject to my ever-changing moods, that it is not my anger that clouds the skies, my fury that propels the winds, and my tears that rain down upon the earth when I look back upon the glory days of old.

Foolish mortals!  Your quest for cold fusion will be met only with the cold fury of the gods if the flame of my fame is allowed to go out.

Worship me, and you shall be energized!

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – “Man vs. Wild” star Bear Grylls was airlifted out of Antarctica over the weekend after sustaining a shoulder injury.

The Discovery Channel issued a press release saying only that Grylls was not filming for the popular TV show, and that he is on his way home to the UK for treatment. There was no explanation for why he was in Antarctica or how he was injured.

However, Weekly World News has obtained an exclusive interview with one of Grylls’ travel companions, as well as a photo revealing the star’s adversary: a yeti!

According to Mr. Steven Vacchs, wildlife photographer, a small group had traveled into the Antarctic wasteland with Grylls to promote the use of alternative energy, such as solar-powered base camps and bioethanol powered jet skis.

While on a break, Grylls decided to entertain the crew by digging up a seal corpse to point out the different parts they could eat. Due to it being frozen solid, Grylls reverted to beating it on a nearby rock to try and get at the blubber inside.

Unbeknownst to Grylls, a nearby yeti became infuriated by his waste of the precious cryptid’s main food source and charged at the survivalist. The two tussled for the better part of ten minutes. Grylls commanded the crew film the fight, during which he gave helpful tips on yeti behavior while dodging its vicious claws. He also managed  to remove his shirt at some point and repeatedly aimed his six-pack at the camera.

The yeti finally tired and loped off, clearly unimpressed with the British adventurer’s skills and physique. Only then did Grylls allow the crew to carry him back to the base camp to be airlifted away.

Vacchs provided notes in Grylls’ handwriting of his plans to release the video as a Discovery Channel special, with possible titles:

Man vs. Yeti
Survivorhumanoid
Ultimate Cryptid Championship (UCC)

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.

Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.

09/29/08
The lower house of the U.S. Congress has voted down the rescue plan to bail out Wall Street. Henry Paulson has called on Bat Boy to persuade those in the House of Representatives who rejected it to move the plan forward.

Bat Boy seemed confident that a bounty of mosquitoes and his collection of bird skulls will do the trick.

09/25/08 – A financial crisis has been averted!

WASHINGTON, DC – Henry Paulson has proposed Bat Boy to be Deputy Treasury Secretary of the U.S. Treasury. The Senate is understandably skeptical of this recommendation.

“I mean, people are saying Sarah Palin isn’t qualified enough to be Vice-President, and she’s a governor! This bailout boy lives in a cave!”, exclaimed an unnamed Senator. He wished to remain anonymous, for fear of mutant backlash.

Paulson’s reasoning?

While experimenting in his cave, Bat Boy discovered a rare form of guano left by his fellow bats. This peak guano is such an effective form of alternative energy, the government will be able to sell it as an oil -alternative domestically and abroad for a tidy profit, thus covering the $1 trillion dollar cost of bailing out the financial system.

Paulson also stated, “Bailout Boy will not require lavish executive pay or even a hefty bonus. Bat Boy has asked to be compensated entirely in mosquitoes–an abundant commodity that we are happy to be unloading at this time.”