In this week’s installment, we examine the life of the most misunderstood of these lesser known saints.

We present:

Saint Francis A Sissy
Queen of All Queens

Saint Francis rose to prominence ministering to the poor of San Francisco.  Francis was cast out of his home by his parents for painting their tenement apartment powder blue.  In Saint Annie’s school for orphans he was always in trouble for cutting up and redesigning his school uniform.

Once in the priesthood Francis was renowned for his excellent touch in dealing with the poor.  In memory of his parents the outreach house was painted a bright mauve “so people could find it easier.”  When making food for the hungry, he turned three donated chickens and a pound of flour into enough brioche and tapas to feed 500.  It is said that he always sang while cooking and, even though he was often off key, birds and small woodland creatures would come in to assist him with the chores.

When a local gang threatened Saint Francis while he was fabric shopping, he dutifully turned the other cheek but did so with an impressive amount of sass.  The gang struck Francis, and before he could even get up the birds and small woodland creatures descended on the gang, devouring them piece by piece.

Today Saint Francis is celebrated as the saint of non-athletic types, designers, and sass.

You can pay homage to Saint Francis, or any of the forgotten saints, by updating your wardrobe and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

This week we bring you the most gloriously illustrated one in our continuing feature on lesser known saints.

For this installment we present:

Saint Theresa the Tatted

Patron Saint of Body Art

Saint Theresa lived in Kosovo in the early 1990s.   In her pre-war life she was an assistant tattoo artist living with her boyfriend.  Once hostility broke out in the mid-nineties she sought refuge by joining a monastery.  Her unorthodox appearance at first made her an outcast among the sisters, but in time it became their salvation and helped bring her to sainthood.

When food became scarce in the region she was able to smuggle extra rations in small satchels attached to her various body piercings.  None of the other sisters asked here where her piercings were or how she was able to carry such weight with them, they were simply grateful she was there.

As the violence escalated it became clear the sisters would have to leave the area.  Among the chaos of war they quickly became lost in the Balkan mountains.  Theresa, while meditating, noticed a tattoo of a map had formed on her upper thigh.  Seeing a miracle before their eyes the sisters stared at the map on her inner thigh until they could follow it to salvation.

Once they had safely arrived in Greece Theresa used her tattoos to help teach underpriveliged children to read.

Today she is the Patron Saint of body art, piercing, and bikers.

You can pay homage to Saint Theresa, or any of the forgotten saints, picking up some ink with the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

This week, we bring you the most overworked mother in this holy feature on lesser known saints.

For this installment, we present:

Saint Olivia the Overextended
Patron Saint of Working Moms

Saint Olivia worked at an orphanage in the midlands of England in the late 19th century.  Due to a sudden outbreak of tuberculosis every other sister that worked with her went out for a picnic one day and died halfway through a game of horseshoes.  Olivia was left tending to all 56 children by herself with no foreseeable means of income.

Saint Olivia immediately put the children to work.  Older children would help watch the younger children.  Those in the middle helped turn the orphanage playground into a garden.  Once this was set up the children worked the fields and sold their wares to local blue collar laborers.

One day a child came running to her from the fields, his left hand having been clean chopped off from the thresher he was working.  The child started to cry for his lost hand.  The distracted Olivia simply held it back in place, spit on it, and the hand was good as new.  She then told the child to get back to work which he did gladly.

In the middle of running this business to keep them all eating, Olivia still needed to care for the tasks of running an orphanage.  Through many a sleepless night her coffeepot was her only companion.  When money for coffee ran out, her pot miraculously always had lukewarm coffee in it, just enough to keep her awake.

Saint Olivia is now known as the Patron Saint of working mothers, child labor, and mediocre coffee.

You can pay homage to Saint Olivia, or any of the forgotten saints, by taking up a mop and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

Weekly World News brings you perhaps the “friendliest” woman in this holy feature on lesser known saints.

For this installment, we bring you:

Saint Amnesia the Fornicator
Patron Saint of Champagne Fountains and Party Blackouts

Saint Amnesia lived in France in early 20th century.  She had the distinct privilege of being invited to many society balls, officially as a church emissary to the social elite, but really because of her extreme beauty.  Unfamiliar with customs, she was taken with a champagne fountain at the center of the floor.  When she was asked to take a glass, she reached for the closest one, at the base of the fountain.  Miraculously the fountain remained upright, bending the laws of physics until Amnesia gracefully put her glass back, saying “Did I do something wrong?”

Saint Amnesia took solemn vows of chastity upon entering her order.  However finishing a bottle of champagne herself Amnesia seduced two of the servant boys at once.  The following day the two boys were cured of their scurvy and Amnesia remembered nothing.  She woke up naked in a public fountain very confused.  Realizing what she’d done she prayed intensely for forgiveness, until a miracle restored her virginity and right to stay in the monastery.

As the society balls continued, this happened several times: Amnesia would get drunk and seduce the help.  They would be cured and she would remember nothing.  Then she would pray and her virginity was magically restored each time.  At a particularly bawdy get together Saint Amnesia was walked home by a couple of angels, and Amnesia stumbled straight into Heaven.

Today Saint Amnesia is the Patron Saint of champagne fountains, party blackouts, and penicillin.

You can pay homage to Saint Chenille, or any of the forgotten saints, by grabbing that champagne bottle and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

Weekly World News brings you perhaps the frumpiest woman in this holy feature on lesser known saints.

For this installment, we bring you:

St. Chenille Velour
Our Lady of Frumpy Christmas Sweaters

Saint Chenille Velour lived in Chicago in the 1950s.  Hoping to help the homeless brave another harsh winter she asked her parish to donate any spare yarn they may have.  Chenille was dismayed the following week to discover only 4 balls of yarn had been donated.

Saying a prayer, she asked God to help her make as many sweaters as possible, all in his name.  She began knitting joyful Christmas sweaters from the 4 balls, but to her amazement she never ran out of yarn.  For 40 days and 40 nights she stayed isolated in her room knitting festive reindeers and snowmen to help the cities downtrodden.  When she finally came from her room, her hands were said to still be glowing from the touch of God.

Saint Chenille is the patron saint of Christmas Sweaters, appliqué, and DIY crafts.

You can pay homage to Saint Chenille, or any of the forgotten saints, by dusting off your knitting needles and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

Weekly World News is proud to present the first woman in this holy feature on lesser known saints.

For this installment, we bring you:

Saint Frances the Frizzy
Patron Saint of Bad Hair Days

Saint Frances rose to fame during a mission trip to South America in 1974.  Based out of a Boston convent, Frances was lovingly teased by her fellow sisters for her massive frizzy hair.  Some even speculated that she had joined the nunnery for an excuse to wear a habit at all times.

During her trip Frances’ mission attempted to help villagers caught between a military dictator and a violent insurgency.  Military checkpoints were set up to keep people from bringing any aid into the country, or taking anything out.  Taking off her habit Frances was able to hide food and medicine for the village in her massive fro.  When it was time to leave Frances, making several trips, was able to smuggle several orphaned infants out of the country, each carefully nestled in her frizzy locks.  Her massive hair saved many lives, held aloft by the native humidity, and Jesus Christ.

To this day Saint Frances the Frizzy is the patron saint of bad hair days, large hair, and high humidity.

You can pay homage to Saint Marcus, or any of the forgotten saints, by teasing your hair and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

Weekly World News continues this holy feature, honoring the lesser known saints we tend to forget.

For this installment, we bring you:

Saint Marcus the Moocher
Patron Saint of the Unemployed

Saint Marcus rose to prominence in early 18th century Bavaria.  Believed to be less than motivated, Marcus only joined the ministry when he had been fired from every other job in town.

Marcus’ rise to sainthood began when he was asked to leave the monastery to minster to the needy.  Marcus took to staying with friends in various cities, often for several weeks at a time.  By a miracle, whenever his hosts went to make food for Marcus there was always something to share.  Unemployed friends were able to feed their families for the first time in months.  And hosts of Marcus who played the lottery while he was staying on their couch won small fortunes.

Households that got tired of Marcus and kicked him out were devoured by locusts.

Now Marcus is considered the patron saint of mooching, the unemployed, and lotto tickets.

You can pay homage to Saint Marcus, or any of the forgotten saints, by borrowing money from a friend and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

Weekly World News continues this new weekly feature, honoring the lesser known saints we tend to forget.

For this installment, we introduce:

Saint Edward the Endowed
Patron Saint of Hung Stockings

Saint Edward was born in 1609 in Lourdes, France.  The son of a famed shoemaker, Edward wanted for nothing in his early years.  While Edward was touring Europe and living off his trust fund his family was killed in a freak pig stampede.  Distraught, young Edward joined a monastery.

Still having access to his family’s wealth Edward became known for providing the biggest and grandest gifts to orphans and the needy of any holy man in France.  Come Christmas morning widows in his village would be surprised by a special package just for them.  So large it was that it often took all morning for them to unwrap.

Having a heart to match his bulging money sack Edward also saw to the women of his town who were in unhappy marriages.  Offering a wide shoulder to lean on Edward helped many a housewife whose needs were not being met.  So good was his reputation that it was said even the most melancholic of women could be cured just by his touch.

Now Edward is celebrated as the Patron Saint of Hung Stockings, Large packages, and disappointed housewives.

You can pay homage to Saint Edward, or any of the forgotten saints, by stuffing your stockings and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin’ guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.

Weekly World News is debuting a new weekly feature, honoring the lesser known saints we tend to forget.

For our first installment, we introduce:

Saint Thaddeus of the Thinning Hair
Patron Saint of the Combover

Saint Thaddeus was born in Leipzig in 1584.  Originally an accountant by trade he found religion one day when he accidentally wandered through a bad neighborhood on his lunch break.  While running from a gang of youths he made a promise that if the Lord would deliver him, he would join the church.  At that moment all 11 youths fell down dead from plague.  Thaddeus was saved.

During his work with a local monestary Thaddeus became known for his refusal to simply cut his hair short and accept his baldness.  Instead he grew what little hair he had long and laid it over the bald parts of his head.  This practice saved his life when in 1622 the local baron issued an edict that all monks should be put to death “And you will know them by their bald heads!”

Thaddeus took his brothers to a cave where they hid.  When a mob approached to inspect them, Thaddeus’ combover had grown so convincing the mob passed them over and they were saved.  Since that miraculous day Saint Thaddeus has been the patron saint of combovers, hair plugs, and men over 40 who date.

You can pay homage to Saint Thaddeus, or any of the forgotten saints, by severely parting your hair and acquiring the Mortal Sins holy cards, lovingly created by NobleWorks.