PHOENIX, AZ – With the beginning of another school-year approaching, it’s been reported that space aliens have enrolled in local colleges and universities. However, we can learn to spot these creatures with help from leading expert Dr. Karl Bauer.

Bauer explains, “By learning to see through their disguises, we’ll be able to track their movements and make sure their intentions are honorable.”

Whether or not these alien’s motives are evil in nature is still in question, but Dr. Bauer remains rather conflicted:  “We know for a fact that thousands of them have arrived on Earth over the past few years. They have enrolled in colleges and universities in order to learn more about mankind and our culture. I’m not in a poition to say whether that is good or bad.”

How can YOU identify extraterrestrials on your campus? Dr. Bauer has compiled a list of traits and quirks that may give away an alien visitor:

• Mismatched clothing. Aliens have little to no understanding of human fashion. They might wear tuxedos with a bathing suit, socks of different colors — or striped skirts with paisley blouses.
• Bizarre eating habits. Aliens may try to eat soup or peas with a knife or guzzle poisionous liquids like ammonia or kerosene.
• Flawed sense of humor. E.T.’s are notorious for telling jokes that no one understands.  They also tell the same bad jokes over and over.
• Fear or hatred of music. Aliens often find Earth music shrill or difficult to understand. They won’t hesitate to turn off a radio — even when it doesn’t belong to them.
• Misuse of telephones. Though it’s not clear why, aliens often answer phones that aren’t ringing — or continue to hold the handset to their ears hours after they party they were talking to has hung up.
• Unwarranted fascination with machines. Space aliens may spend hours staring at a clock or watch — or stare in stunned silence at a children’s toy gyroscope.

KARACHI – A video of the burnt body of a four-inch “alien” has been circulating on the Internet. Is it real?

A news report on Al-Jazeera explained that children in Lahore, Pakistan found the alien walking around and stoned it to death in fear, and subsequently set it on fire.

However, it is rumored that the children have confessed simply burning a toy and creating the hoax.

What do you think it is?

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/alien-alert/8579/four-inch-alien-found-in-pakistan/feed/ 8 Erik Van Datiken pakistan_alien http://weeklyworldnews.com/alien-alert/8030/6-signs-your-doctor-is-an-alien/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/alien-alert/8030/6-signs-your-doctor-is-an-alien/#comments Fri, 01 May 2009 19:01:51 +0000 Erik Van Datiken http://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=8030 ]]>

Thousands of aliens are masquerading as doctors in America and the patients who go to them are being subjected to unethical medical treatment, a leading researcher warns.

In fact, Dr. Terrence Starnes estimated that as many as two million innocent Americans are trusting their health to alien creatures.

“This isn’t just an alarming situation – it’s a terrifying situation, ” the UFO expert told newsmen in Los Angeles. “These extraterrestrial impostors have infiltrated the medical establishment and are using our own hospitals, tools and trust to achieve their evil ends.”

Dr. Starnes refused to say how he learned about the aliens but alleged that medical authorities are aware of the situation and actually have conspired to keep it under wraps to avoid a public relations nightmare.

The expert went on to say that patients must do everything in their power to protect themselves against the physician-intruders, who are alleged to be conducting life-threatening medical experiments, including the implantation of mind-control devices, under the guise of helping people out.

Dr. Starnes also provided the following list of guidelines to help you determine if your doctor is a space alien:

1. Beware of doctors who have trouble identifying body parts. If you complain of pain in an elbow and he examines your wrist or forearm, you might very well be in the clutches of an extraterrestrial.
2. Human physicians often run late, but extraterrestrials are always right on time.
3. A doctor’s handwriting is usually quite sloppy. But aliens labor over their handwriting and the result is easy-to-read printing.
4. Most doctors draw blood for testing but need very little to get the job done. Physicians who ask for a quart or more of your blood have a hidden agenda – and may be extraterrestrials.
5. The vast majority of doctors dispense drugs through prescriptions and pharmacist. Alien doctors prefer to pass out “sample” pills and preparations that usually have nothing to do with the patient’s illness.
6. Aliens often recommend surgery for patients who feel great and have no symptoms of disease.

“Take these warning signs seriously,” said Dr. Starnes. “If two or more of them apply to your doctor, he’s almost certainly an alien.”

ATHENS, GA – The rumor mill has already begun: former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is preparing to run for President in 2012. Will the Alien endorse him once more?

The Alien famously encouraged Gingrich to run in 1996:

“The Speaker has said many times in the past he isn’t interested in being President but the alien apparently encouraged him to reconsider that decision. The alien indicated he strongly supports Gingrich’s policies and would likely back him if he decided to run for President.”

However, Senator Bob Dole famously ran and lost that election to President Bill Clinton. But is this finally Gingrich’s year? And if so, will he win the Alien’s favor once more?

GOP insiders have spoken anonymously with Weekly World News, hinting that “Newt finally feels like his time has come. After the big 2008 loss for the party, there is no big contender for 2012 yet. Jindal and Palin have nothing on Gingrich’s career and contributions to the Republican party.”

The Alien was very active during the 2008 Presidential elections, first putting his weight behind then-Senator Obama, and then, at the last moment, switching to Senator McCain. Since McCain’s defeat, the Alien has gone into hiding, taking no part in current political affairs. But fans of the Alien believe that if Gingrich were to announce his Presidential run now, the Alien could potentially spend the next three years endorsing him.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ – Google Street View users have discovered what appears to be an alien next to a mysterious beam of light!

The image was taken by one of Google Street View’s Camera Cars in Diamond Hill Road, in Berkeley Heights, New Jersey. The object on the left has an undeniable resemblance to that of famous movie alien E.T.

Malcolm Robinson, head of the Strange Phenomena Investigations, said the image was “the first of its kind”.

“On close inspection the similarities with E.T. are obvious but it’s hard to say with any certainty what exactly it is. Of added interest is the strange beam of light to the right, which I cannot explain either.”

“Without further details to go on I’m really stumped. We’d all love it to be alien, but that’s a big assumption.”

Alternate theories are being presented, such as the “beam of light” being merely a glitch in the software, where two images were stitched together improperly.

However alien enthusiasts are enouraged by the fact that only three months ago, police in nearby Morris County were called about a series of unidentified flying objects that appeared. Dozens of citizens watched saw five flickering red lights in the night sky above.

Local resident and pilot Paul Hurley said: “I’ve been in the aviation industry about 20 years, so I knew they weren’t airplanes”.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Long running Internet rumors have been confirmed as the wife of San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom’s acting debut hits shelves this week, featuring a steamy love scene “with a twist”: a supernatural threesome!

Producers of the film, The Trouble With Romance, have been mum for months about details of the films “twist”, even as they struggled for a distributor to put the film in front of audiences.

Jennifer Siebel Newsom, who shot the film before meeting her husband, is now the films biggest name due to her husband’s notoriety in the political world.

Despite the content of the film, Mayor Newsom is a big supporter of the project, “I think it’s high quality art,” he said.  “People are quick to judge based on rumors and whispers on the net.  It’s really a film that needs to be seen to be believed.  I think it will be a crowd pleaser and create a lot of discussion.”

As the film is set for a limited release in San Francisco and Los Angeles as well as available online through Netflix, details of the much discussed “threesome with a twist” have finally emerged.

And they are more scandalous than expected.

***SPOILER ALERT***

In the final act of the film, the two male protagonists are revealed to be an alien and a Sasquatch!  There is an epic battle playing out that pits the two species against each other, complicated when both characters fall in love with Newsom’s character.

As is typically the case, the tension, and the rivalries, can only be resolved in the bedroom with all three parties taking part.

Mygar, one of the galaxy’s biggest movie experts, presents the top 8 most influential depictions of aliens in film.

Greetings and Salutations, sentients.  This is your humble master of ceremonies, Mygar.  Again it has fallen upon me to share my wealth of knowledge for the enlightenment of all things epicurean.

Today I shall be sharing eight of the greatest and most influential alien films to come from your planet.

8. Alien

A romantic tragedy for the ages.  The story of an unnamed parasitic alien and the woman the stars destined him to be with.  He is born into a confined and cruel world, unable to help what he is.  Soon he falls in love with the strong and spirited Ripley, but she cannot understand his language and in ignorance kills him, committing his body to the stars.  This has been turned into an opera in the Kleo system.

7. Close Encounters of the Third Kind

A rousing documentary of one fateful night in Earth’s history.  The film is made ever more poignant by the final two hours, where the government hushes everything up, having been cut from the film so it could be marketed as a fictional narrative.  A victim of its own message.

6. The Day the Earth Stood Still

The first use of actual aliens in cinema.  After being abducted several times, writer Harry Bates eventually befriended his captors and they began a dialogue about the nature of mankind.  Once released, Bates began working on a story based on his experience.  It is a little known fact that during production, Bates was able to cast his new friends in small parts in the movie.

5. The Abyss

Written by an entirely alien staff, it gave voice to the Extra Terrestrial perspective on global affairs.  It was a blatant metaphor, painted in broad strokes, but conveying the precise message that millions had wanted to say.  Aliens even played a crucial part in the film.  It was a distinct moment in a culture when aliens on earth finally felt that their voice was being heard.

4. Predator

The first openly gay alien to star in a Hollywood film.  Rumors of a romantic affair between the two primary stars were never proven, but also never dis-proven.  That two of the film’s principal actors went from action movie obscurity to elected office has only fueled the controversy.

3. Cocoon

Few works of art can inspire hate-filled vitriol in dozens of species the way this film can.  Riots broke out that covered entire planets once news of this film hit the airwaves.  It is the benchmark of alien stereotypes in film: aliens having ‘magic’ powers, aliens forced to serve a lower life form, Steve Gutenberg.  This film has become synonymous with insensitivity to inter-species relations, and as such has served as a warning sign to help promote healing across the galaxy.

2. Lilo & Stitch

Doesn’t everyone love this movie?  It’s just fun, and depicts how friendly alien-human relations can be.  And yes, I did cry a little the first time I watched it.  I am mature and secure enough to admit that.

1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Based of the epic of Kringlaar, which chronicled the failed Martian invasion of Venus.  According to legend, after Kringlaar’s wife was put in stasis, he led the resistance to defeat the vastly superior Martian fleet.  Originally intended to be much truer to the source material, arguments between the director and the studio led to the compromise of using an Earth folk hero in place of Kringlaar.  The movie is still used in history classes throughout the system.

This is a personal list of the top 8 alien films.  For the sake of education and edification, I hope you choose to explore them on your own time with the added depth of considering the alien perspective.

As always, your humble servant, Mygar.

READERS: What is your favorite alien movie? Vote in the poll to the right!

SKOKIE, IN – Weekly World News has uncovered the extraterrestrial origins of Rock Band 2.

Rock Band 2, the popular music game, was actually created by aliens looking for the most talented players in the universe to save their planet with the power of rock.

Indiana native Mark Handler recently returned to Earth from the Orion Nebula where the fate of Planet Grohl was decided in an interstellar Battle of the Bands.

Grohlians, using the controls of their own native instruments, created the game which would act as a test to find the most talented players in the galaxy. Four players were then recruited to help save their planet from the invading forces of Ryloth.

Mark Handler of Skokie was taken by the aliens shortly after getting a perfect score on the final hidden song. At roughly 4:30AM, after an all night binge, Handler finally nailed the drum solo on Hyperspeed Lateralus Medley by Tool. The song is noted for using a time signature yet to be deciphered by human mathematicians. After receiving his score, his Playstation 3 sent a signal to a waiting satellite, and within minutes Mr. Handler was picked up to save the Planet Grohl.

The Ryloth band, whose name translates to “Ironic Purveyors of Death”, played Ace of Spades by Motorhead, but lost points for using acid during a guitar solo to literally melt faces in the first three rows. The Grohlian’s band saved the planet with playing Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi.

On a key riff during Living on a Prayer, all four players went into Overdrive, sending the crowd into hysterics and thoroughly vanquishing the Ryloths, who vowed “Next time. Next Time!”

Mr. Handler was invited to live on Planet Grohl, but said he preferred living in his parents’ basement and working at the local movie theater.