NEW YORK – An anonymous donor offered Derek Jeter $100 million to ditch his new Yankee deal and join the Red Sox.   Jeter agreed.

The mysterious donor, whose identity remains unknown, announced this morning that he would personally pay the salary of Yankee’s shortstop if he would trade out the Yankee pinstripes for a Red Sox uniform.

According to sources, Jeter and the anonymous agent met in a secret location earlier this week to discuss contract negotiations. Also present at the meeting were Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner, president Randy Levine, and GM Brian Cashman.

“We thought we had Jeter in the palm of our hand,” said Cashman. “But then this mysterious donor came along changed everything. Now we’re screwed.”

Desperate to entice their franchise shortstop, the New York Yankees offered Jeter a three year, $51 million contract. However, the deal doesn’t become official until Jeter passes a physical examination.

But all that changed when an anonymous financial backer entered the picture and offered Jeter $100 million to join the Boston Red Sox.

“100 million dollars is a lot of money,” said Derek Jeter in a phone interview. “With all that money, I can finally buy that warehouse to store all of my World Series rings in.”

Many sports critics feel that Derek Jeter’s skills have declined over his fifteen year stint as a New York Yankee, citing his old age and constant injuries. Still, the 36 year-old shortstop and five-time Gold Glover winner says he’s stronger than ever and is worth his $100 million price tag.

“I’m playing better now than I have in fifteen years,” said Jeter during an interview at Yankee Stadium Friday night. “Sure my hair is a little grayer and my arthritis is acting up, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be the same old Jeet. I mean, I still look good in those skin tight pants don’t I?”

While the identity of the anonymous financial backer remains uncertain sources have speculated that Stephen King, the best-selling author and noted Red Sox fan, might be the man behind the mystery.

“It makes perfect sense,” said Yankee scout Armando Ruiz. “Stephen King is rich, obnoxious, and a master of horror. But this could be the most terrifying thing he’s ever done!”
Insider sources say talks between Jeter and the mysterious agent will resume on Sunday night, when the Yankee skipper will finally decide if he’s going to play for the Red Sox next season.

So Yankees Universe, are you prepared to lose your captain to the dreaded Red Sox Nation? Well if Jeter decided to follow the money, you could be looking that this next season:

LOS ANGELES, CA – One actress shares some of her best advice in the latest Vogue magazine!

Cameron Diaz has recently been romantically linked to Alex Rodriguez. She’s also been involved in a little tiff with Kate Hudson. Diaz is making headlines now as she graces the cover of British Vogue and shares her thoughts on everything from A-Rod, plastic surgery and sex as the fountain of youth.

As everyone in America struggles with staying young, Diaz, 37, shares her advice on how to stay young.

“The fountain of youth? Let’s see,” she says. “I guess it’s exercise, healthy diet, lots of water, lots of laughter, lots of sex – yes, sex, we need that as human beings. It’s healthy, it’s natural.”

A-Rod and Diaz are reportedly getting hot and heavy in their relationship. Diaz is asked if she’s in love.

“You know what? Yes I am. I’m in love with life,” she says.

Diaz also shares her thoughts on plastic surgery in the July issue of British Vogue.

“Yeah, well, hey. I’m not doing anything right now. But we’ll see. So far, so good. But I’ll never say never to anything.”

NEW YORK, NY – One baseball star is just “playing the field” and has blondes fighting over him!

Alex Rodriguez might be the envy of many men. Not only does he play for the Yankees and owns a championship ring with them, but he’s now got a little cat-fight brewing for his affection. Kate Hudson was left high and dry by A-Rod and he’s moved on to his next blonde, Cameron Diaz. Hudson isn’t exactly happy with that move.

Hudson is reportedly pissed off at A-Rod for dating Diaz. According to her, she thinks Diaz is dating the baseball star to get revenge on Hudson for hooking up with Justin Timberlake. That is some high school drama for your mama. One would never guess that Hudson is a grown Hollywood actress.

“Kate hates Cameron,” an insider told the Daily News. “She thinks it’s payback, pure and simple.”

The Cameron Diaz corner begs to differ. They see this new relationship as A-Rod opting for a committed relationship rather than a sputtering fling.

“Cameron was actually in a serious long-term relationship with Justin,” a Diaz friend said. “She thinks it’s a joke Kate would be mad. Kate is only upset because she hates being single.”

Diaz won’t be attending too many Yankee games, however. The two have decided to keep a low profile for the time being.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – As Madam Kristen Davis debates whether to publish her tell-all biography, she has turned to a longtime friend and alleged client for counsel: PhD Ape!

Madam Davis, supplier of prostitutes to A-List clientele who first came to notoriety in the wake of the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal, has made quite a name for herself over the past few weeks as her relationship with baseball slugger Alex Rodriguez has come to light.

What began as a romantic relationship initiated by A-Rod after spotting the busty Davis at a local gym, became a client-madam business arrangement by which Rodriguez was supplied high price call girls in the service of the exclusive Madam Davis.

Although married, Rodriguez allegedly became smitten with Davis, sending her flowers and lavish gifts, often claiming to enjoy her escorts but never as much as he enjoyed the company of Davis herself.

As public attention focused on her illicit business, Davis has been forced to abandon her seedy, yet lucrative Madam lifestyle.  And without the hundreds of thousands of dollars earned every year, Davis has had to consider other avenues for financial support.

Unsure about the potential fallout from the details divulged in her racy tell all book, Davis has sought out the advice of longtime confidant, PhD Ape.

“Kristen is a classy woman, a successful businesswoman and a dear friend,” PhD Ape told reporters after arriving in Philadelphia this past weekend.  “We have been friends for years and I have often provided counsel to her during troubled times.  Often a partner in troublesome relationships, whether they be personal relations with married men or business partnerships with loose women, Kristen seems to be a magnet for people who need and want something from her.”

“I told her that tell-alls can be tricky business, often prompting retaliatory allegations to emerge.  But I understand her financial quandry.  We will spend the next several days weighing her options and coming to the most fruitful conclusion.”

While PhD Ape’s long list of celebrity clients has associated him with his fair share of scandalous people, PhD has kept a respectable PG image for himself over the years.  However, recent information leaked to the press regarding Madam Kristen Davis’ client roster has led to some rethinking the nature of her “professional” relationship with the celebrity shrink.

“Our relationship is completely on the up and up, and I do not appreciate any implication that it is not of the utmost professional level.  I take my oath very seriously.  Kristen and I have maintained a two way friendship and a one way professional relationship.  While friends, Kristen indulges in my professional counsel, but I have never indulged in her… ‘services.’”

BURBANK, CA – ESPN’s parent company, Walt Disney, is in discussions to create a made-for-TV movie about the rise and fall of Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez. In an additional bombshell for the studio, rumors circulating among Hollywood is that Miley Cyrus will be tapped to play the lead.

Said unconfirmed sources at The Hollywood Reporter: “It’s a list of 4 possibles.  And all 4 are Miley Cyrus”.

Said a disgruntled intern to an executive at Variety: “Miley already approved the script, now they’re just looking for a director”.

Said two actors / directors working at the Sunset Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, “Please read our script, we hate LA”.

The storyline will apparently follow A-Rod’s rise, fall, and redemption from young phenom, to highest paid player ever, through the steroid admission and the upcoming season. Studio insiders say that Cyrus was their ‘dream choice’ because not only is she as pretty as Alex, but also can portray his fragile feminine side, and his jealous of Jeter insecurities.

Those in the Miley camp were hush about the rumor, although eyewitnesses say Miley recently met with A-Rod’s cousin, Barry Bonds, and Barry’s ex-personal trainer, Greg Anderson, about researching the role.

Would Miley actually juice to get ‘into character’?  Disney had no comment.

Scheduled release date is October 2010, to coincide with A-Rod’s predictable, and annual, playoffs flameout.

NEW YORK, NY – Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking performance-enhancing drugs, and all the angels in the heavens above have wept as one.

“There’s nothing serious in mortality,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi in a statement.  “The wine of life is drawn.  All is but toys; renown and grace are dead.”

“We’re really hoping A-Rod will make a big effort to stay clean,” he added.

Mr. Rodriguez made the admission in an interview aired yesterday on MSNBC and provoked by a story posted on SI.com, the website of Sports Illustrated magazine.  As the data revealed and Mr. Rodriguez has now acknowledged, he used steroids in his 2003 season with the Texas Rangers.

As the words of his admission echoed through space, a single celestial chorus exploded into a sorrowful harmony, and divine tears descended upon the earth like torrential rain.

“The very sun itself has gone dark in our eyes,” said Steve Grabowevich, an electrician and devoted Yankees fan.  “There’s no savor to our bread, no quenching to our water, no joy to our wine.  Love never shall return to me, never never never never never.”

The star third baseman, who has been called the greatest player in baseball, cited “an enormous amount of pressure to perform”, and apologized for what he described as “negligent, naïve” behavior.

For now, heaven and earth together await the final judgment: Will A-Rod still make the hall of fame?

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – Middle aged pop singer Madonna is at the center of controversy again for being seen with a Brazilian model names Jesus.

Despite rumors of being in a relationship, Weekly World News reporters have discovered that the two are actually planning a nativity scene.

Madonna, recently off her walker after breaking her hip on stage, is planning on staging a multimedia interfaith Nativity Scene for release on her website.

Leaked shooting scripts describe an opening video, shot on a sound stage in London, with Madonna and Alex Rodriguez portraying Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem.  The two mount a donkey wearing a burkha, underscored by an acoustic version of “Like a Virgin.”

The travel sequence will be projected on to the side of the Catedral Metropolitana in Rio De Janeiro, the Great Wall of China, and Mount Rushmore on Christmas Eve.

Broadcast live on the web, Madonna and the hunky Jesus will complete her artistic vision in front of an audience in Glasgow.  In a highly choreographed number, Madonna will use interpretive dance to tell the story of a promised savior, which will be translated into sign language by people dressed as Vishnu, Gilgamesh, and Luke Skywalker.

In a manger that greatly resembles Islam’s Dome of the Rock, Madonna will give birth to the sexy 24 year old Jesus while the audience is sprayed with Kabbalah water.

A Rabbi, a priest, and a Pentecostal minister will shepherd on dancers in livestock costumes designed by Julie Taymor.  Each animal will have PETA slogans written on their sides.  Actors dressed as Buddha, Confucius, and Brigham Young will come bearing gifts after following a star created from a volcano by Lord Xenu.

The performance will culminate in all the characters dancing to an electro-house version of Ave Maria, serenaded by the Vienna Boys Choir dressed as angels and suspended from the ceiling on cables.

The Pope has not prepared his reaction yet.

BOSTON, MA – After striking out at the plate in Game 7 of the ALCS, slumping slugger David Ortiz finally scored off-the-field with Cynthia, the estranged wife of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez.

Ortiz hightailed it out of Tampa Bay last night to enjoy a morning stroll in Boston Commons with C-Rod earlier today.

Alex Rodriguez, rumored to be conducting his own off-hours activities, could not be reached for comment.

The real reason behind Madonna’s divorce!

Exclusive information reveals that Alex Rodriguez, Yankees player and rumored lover of Madonna, is actually Madonna’s son!

As a teenager, Madonna dreamed of becoming a performer. The year before she was to attend the University of Michigan on a dance scholarship, she realized she was pregnant from an encounter with a local disco dancer Herve Fernandez.

Speaking only on the condition of anonymity, a source familiar with Madonna’s childhood revealed that she quietly bore the child after moving to New York and giving it up for adoption in 1975.

Now many believe that the love child she gave up is in fact none other than Alex Rodriguez!

Speculation on this development is now fueled by both her recently announced divorce from husband Guy Ritchie as well as her new found interest in adoption.

Are they even closer than they realize?