WASHINGTON — The Ronald Reagan School for Political Dramatics has opened!
On the 100th anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s birth, his foundation announced the opening of a brand new acting school founded in his honor.

In an official statement, the Reagan family explained:

“We wanted to combine his passions, politics and acting. We have created an environment that encourages both. He appeared in 53 films before making it to the big stage as Governor of California and then as our 40th President. Many people with dreams of the stage become politicians, so it makes perfect sense to cultivate young talents and allow them an opportunity to explore theater and government together, just as Ronald Reagan did.”

The school will be located in Washington, D.C. A comprehensive internship program will allow students to ingratiate themselves politically, socially, and dramatically.

Fred Thompson, former Law & Order star and former Tennessee Senator, will serve as the institution’s president.

Thompson commented, “I’m ecstatic to be involved. I wish this place would have been around when I was coming up as a young actor-politician.”

The school will start small, with only forty students for its first semester.

Classes will include:

– “Picking the Right Party No Matter What You Believe”

– “Raising Money in Hollywood”

– “Negative Campaigning”

– “Making the Rounds: Washington Cocktail Hour”

– “Hair and Makeup: Don’t Kid Yourself” led by Sarah Palin’s campaign stylist and hairdresser

– “Muscles Mean Big” led by Arnold Schwarzenegger

– “Smart and Funny? You Better Believe It” with Al Franken

– “How To Cry” by Speaker John Boehner

– “The Mind and The Body” taught by Jesse Ventura.

The foundation was also happy to announce two scholarships, the Sonny Bono Memorial Scholarship and the Shirley Temple Scholarship for Singing and Dancing.

Senator Al Franken shut up Joe Lieberman on the Senate floor yesterday.  Lieberman quickly responded with fisticuffs!

Minnesota Senator Al Franken has been flexing his political muscle of late, taking on Republicans who are trying to block Democrat bills.  On Monday he reprimanded Senator John Thune for only intentionally misrepresenting facts on the Health Care bill.  When Thune objected to being spoken to in such a way Franken asked if “the Senator from South Dakota would like to take it outside?”  John Thune abdicated the rest of his time.

Yesterday Franken set his sights on Joe Lieberman.  Lieberman has been at odds with the Democrats ever since he switched from their party to being technically classified as an “Independent,” and began sitting with the Republicans at lunch.  since then he has sided with Republicans at every turn, most recently in filibustering to block passage of the Health Care bill.  Yesterday Lieberman used up his allotted time and asked for more.  Franken said no.  There was a tense stare down between the two middle aged political giants.  Lieberman spoke up “You can’t tell me what to do!  I’m an Independent!  I don’t play by your rules!”  Franken answered “Seriously Joe, you need to shut up.”  “Or what?  What are you gonna do about it, Franken-weenie?”  Lieberman popped the collar of his ill-fitting leather jacket.  Franken vaulted over the podium onto the Senate floor to face off with Lieberman!

Franken and Lieberman stood face to face staring each other down.  “Does the Senator relenquish the floor?” Franken bellowed.  “No” Lieberman replied in a cool determined voice.  Franken backhand slapped Joe Lieberman in the face.  “Does the Senator relenquish the floor!?”  “No” he replied again.  Again Al Franken slapped Joe Lieberman as hard as he could.  “Come on Joe, are you gonna do something?  Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?”  Spit a little blood on the Senate floor, then launched himself at Franken.

Al Franken and Joe Lieberman faught on the Senate floor for some time.  The fight had been a long time coming, and was the culmination of strong animosity felt by both sides.  Democrats cheered on Franken, who was dealing blows they had all wanted to issue since Lieberman crossed the aisle.  And the Republicans cheered on Lieberman who was taking on the Democrats in a way they had all been wanting to since falling out of power.  Some of the Senators immediately began taking bets, giving Franken 3/2 odds.  After several minutes security broke the two up with no clear winner.

Both parties of the Senate cheered their respective champions as security led them to the Senatorial Quiet Rooms.  Lieberman would not stop screaming as security pulled him away “You can’t hold me back!  Nobody tells Joe Lieberman what to do!”  Al Franken responded “I’ll see you next time Joe Lieberman!  Next Time!”

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican Olympia Snowe has voted in favor of Health Care reform.  The GOP is charging she was seduced by Al Franken.

On Tuesday, Olympia Snowe, Republican Senator from Maine, shocked the country by crossing the aisle and voting for health care reform.

“This is an outrage!” cried Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “Absolutely preposterous!  No human being in their right mind would vote for this bill!  Those smooth-talking snake in the grass Democrats must have drugged or seduced her.  That or they’re holding her loved ones hostage.  It’s the only explanation!”

Snowe was seen making eyes with Al Franken in Washington recently.  All last week the two had pages delivering messages back and forth to each other.  Majority Leader Harry Reid had to stop what he was doing to threaten to read their notes aloud to the rest of the Senate before they would stop giggling.

“How?!” continued Mitch McConnell.  “This guy’s a nerd!  Isn’t he the ‘I’m good enough, and smart enough’ guy?  His movie was terrible!  Why is she risking her career for him?!?”

When Al was inducted into the Democratic conspiracy, aimed at destroying Christian values and establishing a Socialist state, he received a copy of “How to Pick Up Chicks, the Democrat Way.”  This secret tome is believed to have been written by John F. Kennedy himself, with a forward by William J Clinton.  The secrets contained within the book are the stuff of legend, and could easily be responsibly for Al Franken’s new status as a “Chick Magnet.”

“I’m not saying anything about Senator Snowe,” said Franken to reporters.  “What’s most important is that we can finally move forward with Health Care reform.  Olympia and I are just good friends.”  Al Franken ended his sentence with a wink that made every woman within a 7 foot radius swoon.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Al Franken was approved Tuesday to join the US Senate.  The Democratic Party will now involve him in their secret plans.

The Minnesota Supreme Court ratified Al Franken yesterday as having won the Senatorial election seven months ago.  Incumbent Norm Coleman, having exhausted all legal channels except for the Minnesota Thunderdome, finally conceded the race, saying only, “Next time Franken.  Next time.”  The Democrats welcomed Franken into their upper echelons of power with a decoder ring and other perks.

In a private ceremony involving robes and jasmine scented aromatherapy candles, Franken was sworn in as a Democrat with his right hand placed on the original hand-written Communist Manifesto, and standing atop a Bible.  While waving olive branches, the assembled Democrats watched as Nancy Pelosi branded him with the words “Peace at Any Cost.”

Now Al Franken will have all the perks of the upper echelons of the Democratic Party.  He will have access to the Democrat Library, which includes all the war plans of Jimmy Carter and the actual Kenyan birth certificate of Barack Obama.  He also received a Democrat Decoder Ring, which also gives him a 20% discount at Pottery Barn.

As a Senator, Franken will now be instrumental to the Democratic Party.  His presence grants them a filibuster-proof “Super-Majority.”  Franken’s win in the Minnesota Courts places the Democrats even closer to pushing through strong reforms they’ve been looking forward, to like European-style Socialism, sex education in kindergarten and mandatory gay marriage.

When asked for comment, Franken said, “I’m glad that my presence will help turn America into what it needs to be: Europe.”

I’m madder than a diabetic with a deep fried candy bar!

So that Al Franken guy finally got himself elected in Minnesota. I still can’t believe it, even though these are the same people who let a pro wrestler run their state for a while!

You look at Minnesota and think the people there must be pretty normal.

We get fooled cuz they’re so nice and polite and Lutheran. When they do something like elect Al Franken, you start to wonder what’s really in those cheese curds. Has all that snow frozen their brain cells?

We make fun of all the fruitcakes down in San Francisco, but isn’t Minnesota just as crazy? The only difference is in Minnesota they don’t walk around wearing bare ass leather pants cuz they’d get frostbite on their behinds!

Well, now the rest of us have to suffer, listening to Al Franken for the next how many years. He’s the biggest commie going, and the only thing worse than a commie is a loud mouth commie.

Back in the good old days, commies at least had the sense to keep their mouths shut and take the Fifth. Now they’re the ones in charge, forcing the rest of us to shut up! What a nightmare!

It’s hard for old Ed to get to excited about Independence Day this year, that’s for sure. Seems these great United States are getting turned into Soviet Americastan by the Teleprompter Kid and his commie crew!

The good news is, there’s gonna be more than a thousand of those Tea Parties this Forth of July all over America! I say we start by dunking Al Franken in Lake Superior! Who’s with me??

I’m madder than Jesse Ventura with a busted microphone about that idiot Al Franken. It’s bad enough America picked a commie President with a crazy name, but now Minnesota went and made some potty mouth “comedian” a senator.

Our Founding Fathers didn’t die at the Boston Tea Party just so a four-eyed squirt like Franken could get himself elected. If George Washington were alive today, he’d slap every idiot in Minnesota with a cold slab of dried out fish, except they’d probably like it! Those people eat deep fried Snickers bars and build statues out of butter to win prizes.

Remember: Al Franken made fun of that red-blooded American, Rush Limbaugh, whose pants he could never hope to fill. Franken was so jealous, he started his own radio thing called Air Pollution. Too bad was so busy insulting our President that Franken forgot to pay his taxes — in 17 states!

No one listened to his show, so “Senator” Franken will be wasting your hard earned money and mine on one-legged Eskimo lesbian art, solar powered windmills and other Demon-crat junk.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m calling on all Americans to boycott Minnesota! That’ll teach ‘em to make a mockery of the United States Senate, where true patriots have napped and bribed and dueled their way into the history books.

Starting today, the Mall of America is off limits, even if that means hiding your wife’s car keys. Cans of tuna and those little fried up onions will be turned back at the state borders. Lips that have touched Pronto Pups will never touch mine!

Until “Senator” Al Franken is impeached, we vow never to eat another deep fried pork chop on a stick. Commie-sota, you are on notice.

ST. PAUL, MN – Minnesotans have turned to schoolyard protocol in a last ditch effort to solve their Senate conundrum.

Following a 2-month recount that has still not determined a winner in the Minnesota Senate race between incumbent Norm Coleman and challenger Al Franken, officials have decided on an age-old method to settle the matter – Rock Paper Scissors!

With ballot challenges fluctuating into the thousands, lawsuits being filed by both sides every day, and Minnesota voters unwilling to start the next session of Congress with incomplete representation, election officials have had a very difficult task before them.

Secretary of State Mark Ritchie endorsed the move as weather difficulties prevented the State Canvassing Board from meeting on Monday.

“We now have a concrete, time-tested, voter approved method of ending the debate over this election.  Voters are eager to move on.  They’re eager to start fixing the economy, the environment, foreign relations.  And they’ll do it with whichever Senator wins the battle of Rock Paper Scissors in three throws or less.”

Representatives of the Franken and Coleman campaigns have confirmed that they have agreed on the referee for the match-up.

Former Minnesota Governor and third-party candidate Jesse “The Body” Ventura will act as the referee and oversee that it meets all the rules and regulations of the American Association of Rock Paper Scissors.

“I know some people are worried that I may end up throwing a Rock in the ring at the last minute,” Ventura told reporters.  “But if I wanted that seat, I would have thrown my hat in the ring over the summer.”

“It’ll be a fair match and we’ll have a winner.  No whining, no lawsuits, no appeals.”

Ventura has had to knock some heads after Coleman tried to weasel out of the competition citing carpel tunnel syndrome.

ST. PAUL, MN – The Lizard People have come forward to officially cast their vote for Al Franken.

In a much publicized gaffe, a vote was issued for Franken with “Lizard People” in the write-in candidate section.

A representative of the Lizard People, a reptilian humanoid race that lives far below the surface of the earth, has come forward.  At a press conference this morning, he stated that his people wish to officially cast their vote for Al Franken.

In an electoral battle that has come down to a margin of roughly one dozen, every vote counts.  This vote brings Franken one precious step closer to a razor thin victory.

Attempts by Norm Coleman to have the ballot disqualified for typographical errors were annulled by the state canvassing board.

At the conference Franken said, “This is a good day, not only for human/reptoid relations, but for democracy.”

The Lizard People are issued one collective vote in Minnesota for local and national elections, a practice which dates back to the landmark 1893 case Lizard People vs Minnesota Board of Education. Reptoids were struck from all educational materials in exchange for one vote, mineral rights and several tons of live crickets.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After the presidential election went off without a hitch, many citizens were hoping the Chaos Cloud would vanish. But it isn’t satisfied just yet.

The senate race in Minnesota between Incumbent Senator Norm Coleman and former SNL star Al Franken has become dangerously close. As of Wednesday, there was only a 477 vote difference in the election.

While Coleman is asking Franken to concede, Minnesota law requies a recount for such a small margin. Franken supports the recount and stated, “Let me be clear: Our goal is to ensure that every vote is properly counted.”

It appears the Chaos Cloud has parked himself directly over the recount, to act as a warning against any poll-counting shenanigans. It is widely believed the Cloud does not want any chaos to break out before his final descent to destroy the world in 2014.

We can only hope the Chaos Cloud is not driven to act…