WASHINGTON, DC – Passing by an huge majority, the House of Representatives set a new precedent in fiscal oversight: seizing executives’ pants and first-born child!

As details of retention pay and bonuses being paid with taxpayer funded bailout money to AIG executives came to light this week, Congress was called on to take action quickly.

The public, already bruised over details of corporate mishandling of bailout funds to pay for luxury jets and retreats to exotic locations, demanded that Congress recoup taxpayer funds used to pay bonuses rather than prevent layoffs or cover necessary debts.

Congress, in a surprisingly bipartisan movement, took even greater action than the average taxpayer could have hoped for.

“We are just as disgusted by the actions of AIG as are our constituents,” Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank, chairmen of the House Financial Services Committee told reporters after the bill passed the House.  “This is not just a symbolic move to show our anger.  Democrats and many Republicans united to pass this bill which will reclaim 90% of the bonuses paid along with some non-monetary assets that will drive home our point.”

In addition to the 90% tax on the bonus funds, the bill calls for the seizing of various assets based on the level of participation in decision making and allocating of funds on the part of each executive.

Executives who simply received bonuses, but were not involved in the decision to pay them, will have their bonus taxed as well as three out of every five pairs of pants confiscated.

In the more extreme cases, the top brass of AIG will have their bonuses taxed, in addition to every pair of pants they own being seized, as well as their first born child, regardless of age, and the removal of every third tooth starting with the rear right molar.

“This bill sure means business,” Robert Gibbs, Obama Administration Press Secretary said during a special afternoon press briefing to discuss the bill.  “I won’t discuss the President’s feelings on each specific detail of the bill, as it is surely to be tweaked in the Senate before reaching his desk for signature.”

“What I will say, is that The President feels the House accomplished a great achievement today and their constituents should be proud of their Representatives.  President Obama was deeply disturbed by the paying of bonuses to executives of a company that needed billions upon billions of taxpayer dollars to prevent going belly-up and feels Congress is on the right track to correct the situation.”

“If I could speak off the record for a moment, I will tell you that The President told me in the strictest of confidence that he personally looks forward to carrying out some of the ‘seizing’ called for in the bill.”

Back on the record, Secretary Gibbs declined further comment.

NEW YORK, NY – AIG executives are leaving the planet to avoid paying back bonuses, but Charles Grassley won’t let that stop him from getting justice.

Government and the American people are in an uproar at news that executives with the failing bank AIG have given themselves $165 million in bonuses, despite receiving a 170 billion government bailout.

Iowa Senator Charles Grassley made headlines earlier this week suggesting AIG executives should commit ritual suicide to regain their honor.  President Obama is seeking legal action to have the exorbitant bonuses repaid to the American people.

However, it was revealed earlier this week that AIG actually stands for Alien Investment Group.  All of the Executive level staff are fleeing the planet to avoid paying back the hefty bonuses.

Government officials are furious, but their hands are tied due to interplanetary extradition laws.  Charles Grassley won’t let that stop him from getting justice.

The Republican Senator from Iowa is hunting down the alien investment bankers one by one.  Armed only with a 500 year old sword and a jetpack he acquired in a no-bid contract with Halliburton, Grassley is determined to recoup the millions in bonuses for the American people.

Representatives from the Alien Investment Group have asked President Obama to call off the rogue Senator.  President Obama denied any knowledge of Grassley’s whereabouts or actions.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In one of the most shocking moves of his candidacy run, John McCain has proposed selling Hawaii to Japan to help repair the economy, a leading Washington insider has informed Weekly World News.

“Basically, Senator McCain sees this as a quick and easy way to generate a huge bundle of cash,” stated the source, an upper-echelon State Department official with close ties to McCain’s inner circle.

“As everyone knows, the U.S. economy is hurting real bad. McCain figures that by selling Hawaii, he’ll be able to pay off a sizeable portion of the recent bailout of AIG while also generating funding for continuing military operations in Iraq, and quite possibly, a full-scale invasion of Iran.”

Initially, McCain considered putting up Massachusetts for sale, along with several other “blue” states. But after Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin pointed out such an action might trigger a massive popular revolt on the U.S. mainland, he decided to hang a “For Sale” sign on remote, isolated Hawaii.

“It’s so far away, that it doesn’t even seem like part of America anyway,” the Senator is alleged to have said at a campaign strategy meeting.

The campaign’s spokesman has been sure to point out that this has nothing to do with Hawaii being Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama’s home state. “It never occurred to Senator McCain, and frankly, we find it offensive that that is even being suggested.”

It is widely believed that Japan would outbid any other countries, including Canada, China and Australia, for ownership of the “Aloha state.”

According to a telephone poll of Hawaiian residents conducted last week, 98 percent described themselves as “extremely pissed” after being told about the Senator’s alleged plan.

“He’s so lolo!*” fumed Roy Kaena, a Honolulu native. When asked if he would be voting for McCain, he proclaimed “Not! I nevah.**”

*= “He’s an idiot”
**= ““Of course not! That is inconceivable.”