CHARLESTON, WV – Bat Boy trapped Santa Claus!  Mutant child not sure what he’s supposed to do with him now.

Last night while making his yearly trip Santa Claus was successfully captured by America’s Favorite Mutant, Bat Boy!  Santa trackers were bewildered when he appearing in radars and being seen by people in airplanes.  Santa is at the time of publishing still detained in a cave in West Virginia.

Bat Boy is believed to have used his night vision and natural sonar to get the best of Santa.  Sources believe it most likely that Bat Boy was hiding among stalactites on the roof of his cave wearing his Christmas sweater, and dropped a fishing net on Santa when he arrived.  Santa probably passed out from the image of an excited Bat Boy rushing towards him, as Bat Boy has that affect on people.

The international community is stunned that Santa Claus has been successfully captured.  Most political figures are breathing a sigh of relief that Santa was caught before he could try and enter Iran.  Earlier this week President Ahmedinejad  spoke out against Santa, vowing that any intrusion of Iran’s borders by him would be seen as an act of war by all Western countries.  This violates international conventions as Santa Claus has been seen as an a-political fixture since 1685.  Thankfully with Santa detained an international incident has been avoided.

Bat Boy is expected to release Santa Clause later this morning.  Sources close to Bat Boy believe he most likely caught Santa for harmless reasons.  Once they have shared a few cookies and talked about Bat Boy’s wish list Santa will resume his yearly rounds.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/14695/bat-boy-traps-santa/feed/ 4 Reginald Cunningham III bat_boy_traps_santa http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/9399/irans-michael-jackson-tribute/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/9399/irans-michael-jackson-tribute/#comments Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:32:13 +0000 Reginald Cunningham III http://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=9399 ]]>

TEHRAN – Despite repeated crackdowns, protests in Iran continue.  To calm and distract the populace, Ahmedinejad staged a tribute to Michael Jackson.

Since last week’s elections, violence continues on the streets of Iran.  Citizens keep protesting on the streets of Iran what they believe to be an unfair election.  But government authorities, police and national guard have suppressed their dissent violently.

In an effort to distract his people from the election, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad organized a special tribute to Michael Jackson.  Broadcast on state television this weekend, the tribute video was a restaging of Jackson’s Smooth Criminal starring the Iranian Dictator.

Filmed on a government soundstage in Tehran, the video opens on Ahmedinejad, wearing a white pinstripe suit and blue shirt, entering a 1930’s style club.  Going to the back of the club he approaches a gangster, Mr. Big, who appears to be an Armani clad overweight version of Uncle Sam.

Mr. Big sits in a large chair atop a cage holding several Iranian children.  Ahmedinejad accuses Mr. Big of having stolen the “Hearts and Minds of Iran’s youth” and demands he return them.  The villain only laughs and orders his men to shoot Ahmedinejad.

The Iranian Leader throws a coin into a jukebox, which have been outlawed in Iran since 1982, that starts to play.  Mahmoud Ahmedinejad leads the gangsters in dancing to Smooth Criminal in a low budget recreation of Michael Jackson’s famous video.  Dancers for the video were taken from Iran’s popular show “So You Think You Can Dance for the Glory of Allah?”

Using his “Dance Magic” to distract the gangsters, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad frees the children and escapes.  Shortly the magic wears off and Mr. Big orders his men to follow “That cursed yet benevolent man!”  Ahmedinajad and the children are soon surrounded by the gangster and his men.

Looking to the sky Ahmedinejad sees a crescent moon and star, and drawing power from the Iranian people, turns into a giant Iranian robot.  The robot looks suspiciously like an original 1984 Optimus Prime doll, repainted with the Iranian national colors.  In a dazzling stop motion animation sequence cut together with stock news footage of explosions, the giant Ahmedinejad robot dispatches the American gangsters and saves the day.

Ratings for the broadcast cannot yet be determined, but State sponsored media insists that it was incredibly popular despite millions of Iranians saying otherwise.

I’m as mixed up as a she-goat at a Taliban stag party!

Now look: nobody hates Hollywood as much as I do. The place is run by America-bashing, draft dodging, drug crazed hippies. I haven’t seen a really good picture since The Green Berets.

Most of the time, Hollywood getting nuked would put a smile on my face. But now I hear that Achmed Dirtybad in Iran is mad about movies they’ve been making. He wants Hollywood to say sorry — or else!

I thought maybe he wanted them to say sorry for Howard the Duck. Turns out he’s mad about that cartoon soldier movie, where they made some old timey king look like a fairy. Also that new wrestler movie shows a guy tearing up an Iranian flag. Hell, I didn’t even know they had one. I figured they just ran a goat up a flagpole.

These idiots hostagized us back in the 70s and been killing people ever since, and I don’t hear THEM saying sorry. Nope, instead our new Communist-in-Chief sent a bunch of movie stars over there to make nice with Achmed Dirtybad – on my dime, too!

Funny thing is, if he took those Hollywood bigwigs hostage, nobody back in the U. S. of A. would care. Instead of wearing yellow ribbons, this time we’d put up signs that said YOU CAN KEEP ‘EM!

Besides, if anybody’s gonna nuke Hollywood, it should be America. We’ve already got too many foreigners doing our dirty work. Or we could nuke Iran before they nuke us. Hell, it’s just a bunch of sand anyhow – who’d notice the difference?

Anyhow, I’ve got this funny feeling we’re gonna see a new TV show any day now called “Everybody Loves Achmed! (Or Else)”.  Don’t you?

TEHRAN, IRAN – Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmedinejad shocked the world this week by appearing on a one hour Christmas special broadcast on the BBC.

“Iranian Mountain Holiday with Mahmoud Ahmedinejad” was broadcast on BBC World satellite television station, to the offense and confusion of many.

Greeting the world in a seasonal appliqué sweater, the Iranian dictator hosted the special featuring holiday songs, skits, and numerous special guests. Arabic pop singers and entertainer appeared on the show, taking place on a soundstage poorly constructed to look like a cabin in the mountains. In several of the scenes a boom mic or automatic rifle could be seen pointing at the entertainers.

Several puppets made out of burlap sacks with “US NAVY” still written on them appeared throughout the special, singing cheery songs with Ahmedinejad. Fatima Al-Shiraz, a classically trained Persian singer, brought the host and several members of the attending death squad to tears with her rendition of Silent Night.

Ahmedinejad then took a moment to have a fire-side chat directly with the audience. The despot called upon people of all faiths and backgrounds to come together in a spirit of peace and cooperation. He then gave a coded message to all his friends with an “Ahmedinejad Secret Decoder Pin.” The CIA has refused to comment on the messages translation.