WASHINGTON – The White House is pushing through a bill that will give Affirmative Action benefits to ugly people.

The Obama Administration has felt for a long time that ugly people are facing discrimination in all sectors of the United States – jobs, college, healthcare etc.

The Administration first looked at amending”ugly” to the definition of “disabilities” under the American’ With Disabilities Act (ADA), but they figured it would take too long to enact.

Now, they are just going to declare “ugly people” to be an official minority that should be protected under Affirmative Action laws.

Republicans were quick to point out that “ugly people” might actually be in the “majority” – and felt certainly that to be the case in terms of the RNC (and the DNC).

The White House pointed to a study that showed that an American worker who was among the bottom one-seventh in looks, as assessed by randomly chosen observers, earned 10 to 15 percent less per year than a similar worker whose looks were assessed in the top one-third — a lifetime difference, in a typical case, of about $230,000.

The Administration said that “for purposes of administering the law, “ugly” is defined as the bottom 1-2 percent of  “ugly people” in the United States.

The difficulties in classification are little greater than those faced in deciding who qualifies for protection on grounds of disabilities that limit the activities of daily life, as shown by conflicting decisions in numerous legal cases involving obesity.

The White House responded:  “You know it when you see it.”

There are other objections. “Ugliness” is not a personal trait that many people choose to embrace; those whom we classify as protected might not be willing to admit that they are ugly. But with the chance of obtaining extra pay and promotions amounting to $230,000 in lost lifetime earnings, there’s a large enough incentive to do so. Bringing anti-discrimination lawsuits is also costly, and few potential plaintiffs could afford to do so. But many attorneys would be willing to organize classes of plaintiffs to overcome these costs, just as they now do in racial-discrimination and other lawsuits.

Short people, bald people, cross-eyed people and people with “bad hair” are all applying for Affirmative Action protection as well.

In the meantime, if you think you are ugly – call the government and… get protected!

LONG ISLAND SOUND, NY – The Lake Erie Monster tried out for the Saturday Night Live auditions to find new female cast members.

Star member Amy Poehler departed from the show after giving birth, leaving the show in dire straits. With only two female cast members left, Saturday Night Live quickly put out the call for interested parties to audition. Little did they know what it would bring up from the murky depths…

The Lake Erie Monster was able to make her way into the try-outs and did the only impression she has: Sarah Palin. Her 60-second audition consisted of her alternating between shouting, “Maverick!” over and over again and winking at the camera.

She was seemingly oblivious to the fact that former cast member Tina Fey had shot the show to ratings heaven with her own Palin impression just a few weeks back. Lorne Michaels was not amused. Comedians Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins were chosen and introduced in last Saturday’s episode.

It is believed that Lemmie (as she refers to be called) was only allowed to audition because of Affirmative Action, which has recently been broadened to include cryptids. After being rejected, she cried hysterically for four seconds and then re-submerged into Long Island Sound, leaving only a trail of mascara behind.

Is this the last we’ll see of the Lake Erie diva? This Weekly World News writer thinks not.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/3854/snl-rejects-lake-erie-monster/feed/ 1 Garrett Hawley lemmiesnl