AARP Member and WWN Special Correspondent Biff olpersson has landed an exclusive interview with Tiger Woods’ mother, Kultilda “Tida” Woods!

Tiger’s mom, Tida Woods has agreead to break her silence and speak to me. As a fellow AARP member, she felt that I would understand her point of view. Now, there are new facts regarding Tiger’s predicament and what might have brought him to the darkest place in his life.

While one might think of her as an elegant lady, Tida Woods is – dare I say – something of a redneck when she opens her mouth. (This could perhaps account for her son’s affection for pancake house waitresses.) Mrs. Woods Sr. explosively asserts that Tiger claimed his wife Elin was “all hat and no cattle.” The blonde Swede was allegedly “no good in bed” and – shockingly – did not shave her legs or underarms regularly. Says Mrs. Woods, “The poor boy, he slept in my room most nights.” According to his mother, “Tiger do what any normal red blooded man do under such pressure.”

When asked her thoughts about Tiger’s 6 week stay at Gentle Path, a Mississippi sex addiction treatment center, Tida Woods replied curtly, “His wife made him do it. If she had just gotten a Brazilian wax job, none of this ever would have happened.”

For a professional perspective on Mrs. Woods blistering comments, we turned to Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil replied, “Slovenly ‘housekeeping’ in the form of pre-historic personal hygiene is a lethal combination that often leads to a spouse looking for comfort and cleanliness elsewhere. In this case, seedy strip clubs and greasy spoons – so we can only imagine how bad things must have been for Tiger at home.”

Buffalo, NY – Fay Sanders, 73, takes the offensive in a minor standoff between American senior citizens and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  AARP member and First Baptist Church of Lancaster, Pennsylvania bake sale runner-up Sanders fired off two rounds, nearly hitting a military humvee before authorities captured her and two accomplices.  The border patrol confiscated $125,000 (US) in a variety of prescription medications.

“This kind of thing is so common now that we don’t even report ‘em anymore if there aren’t any casualties,” said a weary Inspector Cheneau.  The FDA estimates that a group of seniors crosses the borders with foreign prescriptions once every seven minutes.